dave22 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I met this amazing woman about six months ago, and knew almost right away that she was different than any I had ever met before. We thought the same way and had many similar interests. It often felt like we could read each others thoughts. The problem is, she lives in another country and a thousand miles away and neither of us wanted a long distance relationship when there was so much uncertainty. I visited her a couple of months ago, we ended it and after I returned home things got a little tense, I said some things I shouldn't have, she didn't want to talk to me. We straightened things out somewhat by email and finally last week we talked for the first time in almost two months. I was nervous about it, but it was as if we had never stopped talking. I realized then that she really was the real thing, that we would always get along like this no matter the distance or that things got a little difficult for a while. It has me thinking, I am 34 years old and I have never met anyone like her. Am I going to end up comparing everyone I meet to her for the rest of my life? How do I deal with that. I know we will always be good friends, how can we not be with the chemistry we have? But I wonder what will it be like when she ends up with someone else? And I wonder if I should have made more of an effort to be closer to her when I had the chance. How do I deal with all of this?
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I can completely relate. A little over two years ago, I met a girl that I was completely crazy about, and she was in so many ways exactly the type of girl I had been looking for. When it finally became clear to me that things weren't going to work out, I beat myself up for the longest time wondering what I could have done differently, etc. But then, a few months ago, I hung out with her a few times before she went to return home overseas (she was only in the U.S. for school). At first things were the same as always, the same feelings from before came flooding back. But, then I began to notice a few things about her that I didn't before, things that almost certainly would have made us incompatible, and it was then that I realized that things were never going to work out between no matter what I had done differently. So, what I'm saying is that there's a reason why things didn't work out between you and her, and there's really nothing you could have done to change that. It may take time, but you should just move on and not worry about her anymore.
quietGuy13 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Yeah, well when it doesn't work out you just have to forget it and move on. Not that i've had that experience yet but i can imagine it.
Avaa Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I can completely relate. A little over two years ago, I met a girl that I was completely crazy about, and she was in so many ways exactly the type of girl I had been looking for. When it finally became clear to me that things weren't going to work out, I beat myself up for the longest time wondering what I could have done differently, etc. But then, a few months ago, I hung out with her a few times before she went to return home overseas (she was only in the U.S. for school). At first things were the same as always, the same feelings from before came flooding back. But, then I began to notice a few things about her that I didn't before, things that almost certainly would have made us incompatible, and it was then that I realized that things were never going to work out between no matter what I had done differently. So, what I'm saying is that there's a reason why things didn't work out between you and her, and there's really nothing you could have done to change that. It may take time, but you should just move on and not worry about her anymore. What were the things you started noticing about her?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I met this amazing woman about six months ago, and knew almost right away that she was different than any I had ever met before. We thought the same way and had many similar interests. It often felt like we could read each others thoughts. The problem is, she lives in another country and a thousand miles away and neither of us wanted a long distance relationship when there was so much uncertainty. Did you meet her and correspond mostly online? It's very easy to create the idea of the woman of your dreams when she lives thousands of miles away.
swan_song Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I have wondered and worried the same myself. I dated a guy briefly a few months ago ago who was, based on the little I knew of him, a LOT of what I hoped to find in a guy. We clicked instantly and the chemistry gave me hope there was definitely solid potential - for lack of a better way to put it, it was exciting to be with him, but in a balanced, healthy way - it just felt right. I met him randomly too, so that made it slightly more unique, at least to me. Unfortunately this-that happened and we are still in touch, but I don't feel I have a sense of real closure. Ever since then, I have found myself wondering what I could have said/done differently and feeling a good amount of regret. It's been slightly annoying meeting new guys, as I find myself bored/uninterested/frustrated that I am obviously hoping to meet someone else LIKE him. I try to tell myself that, really, I didn't know him that well and chances are there were things about him that would have made us incompatible - otherwise, things would have worked out, right? If you've ever seen 500 Days of Summer, there's a scene where Tom's sister asks him to look back and scrutinize his ex VERY carefully, telling him he'll see that she was in fact not as perfect as his memories make her out to be...
Author dave22 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Did you meet her and correspond mostly online? It's very easy to create the idea of the woman of your dreams when she lives thousands of miles away. I met her while on vacation and then we mostly talked by phone or on skype after that, as well as by email. So, yes, I probably idealized her somewhat.
Author dave22 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 I try to tell myself that, really, I didn't know him that well and chances are there were things about him that would have made us incompatible - otherwise, things would have worked out, right? If you've ever seen 500 Days of Summer, there's a scene where Tom's sister asks him to look back and scrutinize his ex VERY carefully, telling him he'll see that she was in fact not as perfect as his memories make her out to be... Wow, you almost had me thinking you were her for a second, lol. We talked about 500 days of summer, and the scene where Tom goes to Summer's party and they show what he expects will happen on a split screen of what does happen as an example of how its best not to get your expectations too high because things rarely turn out as you had hoped.
Author dave22 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Unfortunately this-that happened and we are still in touch, but I don't feel I have a sense of real closure. Ever since then, I have found myself wondering what I could have said/done differently and feeling a good amount of regret. It's been slightly annoying meeting new guys, as I find myself bored/uninterested/frustrated that I am obviously hoping to meet someone else LIKE him. . I think closure is what has been most difficult for me and the distance hasn't made it any easier to achieve that. At least she has been willing to talk about it, which has helped. I think the fact that neither of us were willing to give up our lives for each other should probably tell me something.
swan_song Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Wow, you almost had me thinking you were her for a second, lol. We talked about 500 days of summer, and the scene where Tom goes to Summer's party and they show what he expects will happen on a split screen of what does happen as an example of how its best not to get your expectations too high because things rarely turn out as you had hoped. Hahaha... good grief is that movie depressing but I do like to watch it when I'm in an awful mood; very instructive anti-romcom.
Cee Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I have lived your story although the details are different. I met my ultimate match when I was 26 and we broke up when I was 31. The break up wasn't over not loving him. In 10 years, I dated other people, but couldn't love anyone that way. I held a torch that I didn't let go. But I went through a grieving process and healed completely. Anyway, I visited him after 9 years post-breakup. And it all was there between us. BUT, I was different. It was like Wendy seeing Peter Pan after she grew up. After that, I was ready to love again. I let go and kissed some frogs. And then somebody asked me out and we have this great thing. My ex is such ancient history I don't care at all anymore. I am in love and it feels amazing. I only had to wait 10 years for it to happen.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I was kind of on and off with a person who felt like the person of my dreams. I didn't talk to him for about 6 years... just recently messaged him back and forth on Facebook. A lot about his life has changed but when I look at his pics and stuff I still get that same feeling I then... but I come also to the same conclusion I did last time we spoke and before I met my stbxH. It didn't work with "person of my dreams" then, and it's not going to work now. It comes as a bittersweet revelation, and a bit of a hard pill to swallow. But we are not together for a reason, and I am not going to make any effort to rekindle what was over with that many years ago. He is a FB friend, but we have different paths to follow in this life. I don't doubt though, that in past lives he played a major part, and we will probably meet again in future lives. This is the life I am in right now though and there is someone out there I am supposed to be with, and it's not him. Talking to him on FB did give me some closure though, maybe I will not dream about him anymore. Enough of my prattle. The point is that the person of your dreams is not necessarily the person you are supposed to be with. The longer you keep them on that pedestal or carry a torch for them, the longer it will take for the person you ARE supposed to be with to show up.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 What were the things you started noticing about her? Well for one, she put a lot of weight into what other people thought about her, not in terms of looks, but in terms of personal integrity. She let other people decide whether the things she did or believed in were good or not. To me, that's a turn-off.
swan_song Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I have lived your story although the details are different. I met my ultimate match when I was 26 and we broke up when I was 31. The break up wasn't over not loving him. In 10 years, I dated other people, but couldn't love anyone that way. I held a torch that I didn't let go. But I went through a grieving process and healed completely. Anyway, I visited him after 9 years post-breakup. And it all was there between us. BUT, I was different. It was like Wendy seeing Peter Pan after she grew up. I think that is a smart and sweet way of putting it. It's SO disenchanting to realize that even if something feels absolutely perfect, doesn't mean it is perfect for you - and to spend time chasing after those feelings, hoping someone else can spark all that in you once again. This is all somewhat confusing for me as I hate to think I'm WRONG about the person/relationship when it clearly feels so right. And as someone prone to nostalgia, I'm always a fan of the improbable happily ever afters. Kind of bummy that it doesn't really work that way (or rarely does, anyway)!
Author dave22 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 I think that is a smart and sweet way of putting it. It's SO disenchanting to realize that even if something feels absolutely perfect, doesn't mean it is perfect for you - and to spend time chasing after those feelings, hoping someone else can spark all that in you once again. This is all somewhat confusing for me as I hate to think I'm WRONG about the person/relationship when it clearly feels so right. And as someone prone to nostalgia, I'm always a fan of the improbable happily ever afters. Kind of bummy that it doesn't really work that way (or rarely does, anyway)! Yeah, I have decided that I am not going to go on comparing other women to her. I'll never meet someone like her, but I might meet someone different that I like just as much. She had a better attitude than me, I think, when she said that this just wasn't meant to be, and if sometime we should meet under different circumstances and something should develop out of that, then it will be because it was meant to be at that moment, and not because either of waited.
daphne Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 The best thing you can do for yourself is to realize that this is limerance. You didn't have enough time to really know this girl so you aren't just idealizing her a little. You are get to fill in the unknowns based on your imagination and preference and voilà ! The perfect woman for you. I know a lot of guys who do this and aren't able to see the good that's in front of them because they have become too familiar with it. There's something about the unknown that makes people overestimate compatability. I had that feeling once, with a guy I hadn't known long enough. I spent years trying to find someone who made me feel the same way. THe problem is, he wasn't what he claimed to be and I wasted a lot of time over an illusion. Do yourself a favor, let it go and leave yourself open to what's ahead. Looking back is a huge waste of time.
swan_song Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 The best thing you can do for yourself is to realize that this is limerance. You didn't have enough time to really know this girl so you aren't just idealizing her a little. You are get to fill in the unknowns based on your imagination and preference and voilà ! The perfect woman for you. I know a lot of guys who do this and aren't able to see the good that's in front of them because they have become too familiar with it. There's something about the unknown that makes people overestimate compatability. I had that feeling once, with a guy I hadn't known long enough. I spent years trying to find someone who made me feel the same way. THe problem is, he wasn't what he claimed to be and I wasted a lot of time over an illusion. Do yourself a favor, let it go and leave yourself open to what's ahead. Looking back is a huge waste of time. It's like your favorite restaurants... I'm a huge foodie and every now and then am convinced I've had the most amazing foie gras, sushi, pasta, whatever, to date. By now I've eaten at so many places that I know I will be able to find multiple variations of whatever it is that I love to eat. And I know sometimes when I revisit certain restaurants I don't feel the same way about certain stand-by favorites. Obviously not a perfect analogy, but I tell myself it's the same with guys. Ultimately you can decide what qualities and traits you love, but not the person who gives you all that.
mishaps Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'm on the other side of this one. We have been going out for three and a half years and she is great, we get on well but I'm thinking if we are compatible for the future kds etc. I know its hard to be dumped by them she broke up with me last July and it felt like the world ended. We got back together in September. Now I'm thinking yes she is great but can I do it. So for the point yes it may not seem easy for you when the person of your dreams ends it but its not easy for the other side either to make that decision. Right now I am still stumbling over that. I know whatever happens from our break up last year, you can get over it I was nearly there before we got back together.
Tigerbalm Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Yeah, I have decided that I am not going to go on comparing other women to her. I'll never meet someone like her, but I might meet someone different that I like just as much. She had a better attitude than me, I think, when she said that this just wasn't meant to be, and if sometime we should meet under different circumstances and something should develop out of that, then it will be because it was meant to be at that moment, and not because either of waited. LOL Dave, I'm so surprised that your 34 and you still feel that way. I'm 39 and I have been with at least a dozen women I thought were the prefect ones. I am pretty sure I left all of them. There is no such thing as the perfect one, it's all in the mind.
East7 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I wouldn't be so adamant as some previous posters to say : forget her, move on..! IME the conflicts that happen in a LDR are often provoked by frustration of not being able to physically meet rather than the topic of the argument itself. If I was in your shoes I would give it another chance, meet with her, spend some days together to see the person on a daily basis. It may help you to either have a closure or see if the R can really work. But then again if none of you wants to leave the respective countries and lifestyle, I don't see any solution. A LDR needs a lot of compromises.
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