iheartsuki Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 so...this is probably dumb. but it really upsets me when my boyfriend comments on other women. i think he already doesn't have a really strong filter when it comes to other attractive women and i think he has tried to cut back on that stuff (after i asked him to), but ultimately he thinks it's stupid that i even expect him to at ALL and he feels like i'm asking him to be someone he's not. i definitely have low self esteem, but aside from that, i feel like it's still disrespectful for a guy to comment on other women or check out other women in front of his significant other. he insists that i only view it as disrespectful b/c of my self esteem and that it's in no way HIS responsibility. he says it's not his actions, but instead, my feelings that cause me to end up feeling hurt. even if this is the case....i feel like everyone has their insecurities and maybe the people who care about you should take a tiny bit of the responsibility by being sensitive to your feelings. he, however, insists that he's being controlled, even when i tried to explain that i'm just asking for respect on this issue. i told him i'm not trying to control him, i'm just trying to be respected on an issue that really impacts my feelings and that he's not separating the two. he doesn't say anything that's vulgar/disgusting about other women. he generally just looks too long at an attractive women to the point that it becomes a little conspicuous, makes a big deal about things he thinks are hot, or makes comments that insinuate he thinks someone is hot. i know there are plenty of girls who are totally ok with this and aren't phased when their bf runs over to the tv to see naked boobs. but it really leaves me feeling hurt and disrespected and i think the thing that really hurts the MOST is that i can't get him to understand this. it's almost like he makes comments -- knowing full well that it hurts me -- to assert HIS control or antagonize me or something. when i try to talk to him about it, all he says is that this is "too out there" or "where do you draw the line? you can just get upset about any irrational thing and expect it to be ok". i've been in tears all afternoon after a dumb comment about an actress he "loves" and i think it's more the respect i keep asking for and feel like i'm not getting that has me so hurt, than the dumb comment itself. he also insists that all of his other good, caring actions should count for more and that instead of focusing on this as the reason he doesn't care about my feelings, i should be focusing on all the other good things he does. as usual, i really don't know what to think. am i going overboard and expecting too much? or is there a deeper issue here involving basic respect that he just can't give me?
paleblue Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 your issue isnt dumb or invalid. its rude and slightly disrespectful to check out other women in front of you. youre bf no offense sounds immature. all those reasons he stated trying to justify his position are invalid in my opinion. so im kinda wondering how does he really feel about you deep down. what if the shoe was on the other foot? and you did it in front of him? would he get mad? try it out and see what happens. maybe he will realize how he is really making you feel. in my opinion you are not going overboard. you are asking for basic respect which you should have.
lookingforadvic Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 It is totally valid. In my eyes I have never been to a strip club because of the respect I have for my significant other. Sure, I have thought a woman is hot but I keep it to myself and at the end of the day my woman is the woman that makes me happy and that attraction is greater than anything else. She is the sexiest woman in the world.
Author iheartsuki Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 thank you for your replies. "what if the shoe was on the other foot? and you did it in front of him? would he get mad? try it out and see what happens. maybe he will realize how he is really making you feel." he would absolutely detect this as game playing and totally disregard it. he has also told me (when i get upset) that it wouldn't bother him if i did it because it's "normal". he does gets upset about other things though (that he does not deem comparable), like other men checking me out, or me wanting to dress up when i go out with friends (which is, truly, once in a blue moon these days). he also kind of tries to encourage me to wear flatter shoes due to the fact that he is a little bit shorter (but denies that this is the reason), saying that women who wear high heels are "looking for attention". so, he has his insecurities too, even if me looking at other men isn't one of them. but, as much as i want to give him a dose of his own medicine in hopes that he'll understand my viewpoint, i know it will only go right over his head and ultimately, i'll be the one to pay for my own actions somehow. "....at the end of the day my woman is the woman that makes me happy and that attraction is greater than anything else. She is the sexiest woman in the world. " he insists that this is how he feels and that he does everything to show me this as well. he says it doesn't matter what he does day in and day out to show me that he feels this way and that instead, i turn something that has "nothing to do with" me and "shouldn't matter" into something negative and i "only focus on that". i feel completely and utterly defeated. some of what he says seems logical....and at the same time it doesn't seem quite logical enough. on top of all this, his dad looks and makes comments in front of his mom (and his mom occasionally makes comments too), and neither one cares. so i pretty much feel defeated from the get go.
BlueRidgeMTs Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 It IS disrespectful..dont let him tell you it's not. And it's also embarrassing. Because when I am out alone, and I notice a man checking me out even when his significant other is nearby, I feel embarassed for the woman. Because believe me, other women will know when your man is checking them out. I hate a man like that. It's like..are you THAT much of a total wild beast that you can't control your wandering eye even when you are out with your woman?
Author iheartsuki Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 "Because when I am out alone, and I notice a man checking me out even when his significant other is nearby, I feel embarassed for the woman." i have said this EXACT sentence to my bf many times. he says these are my feelings that i'm projecting onto the others and that that woman may not even care at all that her bf/husbad is looking.
Author iheartsuki Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 honestly, i think a lot of my feelings have to do more with pride than insecurity. or maybe both equally, b/c some of it at the very least is driven by insecurity/low self esteem. i'm not sure how much of that is ok or healthy though. it is, afterall, his pride that is preventing him from really understanding my feelings enough to empathize with them and respect them. he cannot or will not separate being controlled from being asked for respect and i think is due to his pride.
Author iheartsuki Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 one other thing that really makes me angry is that he says he "can't control it". he says comments like the one today just "slip out" and when he does a double take at an attractive girl, he's "not even aware of it". i find this VERY hard to believe and have told him this. he then gets really, really angry and stops listening to anything after that point (usually) and tells me that he can't continue to have a rational discussion with someone who disregards facts/calls him a liar/etc/etc. he completely INSISTS that it's subconscious and out of his control and "how is he supposed to control something" that he's "not even aware of doing". i'm really not sure how to feel about this either. i'm not sure if i should be appreciating the fact that he's cut back on looking/commenting (b/c it is supposedly difficult for him to do), or if feeling like i'm still being shortchanged and bullsh*ttted is completely valid.
phillyfan Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 DUDE he is completely controllin u. He likes u to have low self esteem. Any dude that likes u 2 dress plain, dont like u to wear heels, but at the same time checks out hot girls in front of u is a complete pr*ck. Its in the manual, seriously, it the easiest way 2 make ur girl eat outa ur hand and do wateva u want. Its immature and pathetic but take it from a dude like me tht used to be a total playa (yea what a douche lol) - dont take crap lilke that.
Author iheartsuki Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 thanks for your reply..... he doesn't try to influence what i wear often and doesn't outright tell me i can't wear something (he just guilts and makes suggestions or shares his "opinions"), but the fact that he does it at all indicates to me that he does have his own insecurities and that he does, to some extent, expect them to be "coddled" too (what he says of what i expect). i just tried talking to him AGAIN....he still insists that i'm asking too much and it requires "too much effort" on his part to change. i asked him what prevents him from letting curse words slip out when he's around elderly people, then, and why he modifies his words/actions around them if he doesn't believe in changing your own actions out of respect for other people....and his reply was, "that's how he was brought up" and that he feels that IS repsectful. he claims in that case, it comes instinctively. what i'm asking for is not something he considers respectful and what i'm asking him to change is also instinct (which he is "unable" to change). he says that i basically want him to never comment on another person's looks at all and that what i'm expecting is "extremely bizarre". i am so confused, so f*cking hurt, so tired of coming to a message board and typing long drawn posts b/c i feel completely unheard, not valued, and/or not equally respected. i don't think he's going to budge on this at all... OR another issue which i posted about fairly recently involving a girl who contacts him semi-regularly who he will not stop talking to because she's done "nothing wrong". i feel like i'm going f*cking insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so angry right now and so lost as to what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all i can do is cry and cry some more.
K.K. Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I get so tired of people saying that a girl is insecure if she doesn't jump for joy because her boyfriend's checkin out other girl's asses because after all "they're beautiful!" and "everybody appreciates beauty!" blah blah blah... Yea ok people look at other people. But there is NO NEED whatsoever to have your girlfriend catch you blatently staring or actually saying out loud that another girl is SO HOT. It's Disrespectful, MEAN and a downright TURN-OFF. He's supposed to be telling me how sexy I AM. Sounds to me like your boyfriend is the one with the insecurities. Getting you all riled up and jealous so he can feel like a big stupid stud.
Woman In Blue Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 i know there are plenty of girls who are totally ok with this and aren't phased when their bf runs over to the tv to see naked boobs. What is this idiot - 13 years old? You're probably too sensitive to an EXTENT, but it's quite clear this little troll you're dating was raised by a pack of wolves in the wild. What a schmuck. His parents obviously didn't teach him how to RESPECT other people. A good kick in the teeth ought to correct his behavior..but that's just me.
PegNosePete Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 he feels like i'm asking him to be someone he's not. Well, he is right. You are asking him to be someone he's not. You're asking him to be considerate and respectful. And he is not.
Chakra Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Hi--you don't need to stay with someone who has total DISREGUARD FOR YOUR FEELINGS AND THE RELATIONSHIP. I was in a similiar thing, the guy said he didn't know he was doing it, then lied about it, and tried to make me feel like there was something wrong w/ me for not wanting disrespect. Everyone can notice beautiful people. NOTICE is a fleeting glance. The person I was with stared so much and back and back again, the women he was staring at were uncomfortable--or looking at me wondering what I was doing w/ this jerk. I spoke several times about it, he said he would change--and yeah, he did change-- it got worse. I left him almost 9 months ago. It is a pleasure to go out and to not have to feel bad when there is another woman around. It is a pleasure to know that I truely care enough about myself to leave a man who is being disrespectful to me (no matter how much I love him) and to the women he is gawking at. He had very many good qualities, but I expect to be treated at least as well as I treat my partner. Again, you do not need to put up with excuses, or lies or bad behavior from people. I left, have my self worth intact, and hes been writing letters since, of which I don't respond. Isn't it funny, he's having such a hard time now (going out so he can gawk)--because he is depressed. Oh well.....!
stace79 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 It is totally valid. In my eyes I have never been to a strip club because of the respect I have for my significant other. Sure, I have thought a woman is hot but I keep it to myself and at the end of the day my woman is the woman that makes me happy and that attraction is greater than anything else. She is the sexiest woman in the world. God bless you - this is so wonderful to read. For the OP - There may be times where we all have a worry or fear that is not entirely rational, but someone who loves you will understand and would NOT do something purposely knowing it would hurt you more. Perhaps you do need to work on your self-esteem a little, and it IS normal that he will find other women attractive. However he doesn't have to be so blatant about it right in your face. My exbf used to be that way, too, and he used to tell me he shouldn't have to change how he acts just because I'm insecure. However, after four years of being on/off, we are talking again and he has grown up quite a bit. He now says that while he may always find other women attractive, he does realize it was immature to flaunt it in my face and he doesn't want to add to my insecurity because he loves me. In fact, he's started joking around recently about how I'm so much hotter than these other women on TV and jokingly calls them sluts or something. I know he thinks they're attractive but we make a joke out of it and it seems much less threatening!
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