Katt22 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now. I took a break from school and moved in with him about two months ago. I am so in love with him and although things haven’t always been easy for us we generally get along very well with very little bickering and fighting. He told me when we first started dating that he has this anxiety thing where he kind of freaks out for seemingly no reason and says and does things he doesn’t mean. He told me if this ever happens that I should just disregard it and that it would pass. We had one of these incidences early on in our relationship but worked through it. One thing that’s always bothered me about him is that he still talks to his ex-girlfriend. I’ve told him how much it bothers me but I feel uncomfortable telling him who he can and can’t talk to. I know he’s faithful to me and I can’t really explain why it makes me feel so uncomfortable. He came home from work a few nights ago and started talking about her. I got upset and told him how I felt about it. He listened and apologized and everything seemed fine. The next morning he went to work as he usually does and about an hour later texted me that he was freaking out and that he wanted me to move out. I made him come home from work to talk to me. I was shaken and nearly hysterical. He kept telling me that he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted me to move out. Then out of nowhere he threw his arms around me and told me he didn’t mean any of it and that he was being stupid. He hurt me so much, I can’t stop feeling like I’m always about to cry. Last night we went to bed and I broke down sobbing afterward, and so did he. He told me he wanted me to forget everything that he had said and that I was the love of his life. He thanked me for staying and being strong for us. I am a little inexperienced in relationships and although I am fairly confident that we simply had our first big fight as a couple I’m still afraid that all those things he said are secretly true, he continues to deny it adamantly. So I guess this all comes down to a couple of questions. Am I being ridiculous by being so uncomfortable with his continued friendship with his ex? Is it normal to have fights this intense? How do I get over the hurt I feel about this?
Rita86 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 The contact with his ex should be the least of your worries. How old is he? He just broke up with you and then took it back Seriously? And you accept to be treated like that?
SunshineD Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Agree, bail. You're sitting there waiting for it to happen again? You freaked him out. He got very uncomfortable. I would think he's plotting away to get away with the lowest level of emotional display next. Just my guess. I would also bet he talked to his ex about your breakdown. The ex friendship would be a huge factor for me. Just saying. Do you know why they broke up?
Author Katt22 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 He's 24. No, I'm not just sitting here like a sad little puppy letting him mistreat me. ;)We've both been under a lot of stress and I think it just came to a big ugly head. His personality kinda factors into it as well, he's very fiery and emotional. When we both calmed down he admitted that he had a little lapse and acted like an ass. I don't want to give up on him but I can admit that we have a little bit of a communication problem. I want to work through this and it seems like so does he. I just want to know what to do next? I don't want to continue on like nothing happened but I don't want to beat a dead horse and make him feel even worse about this than he already does.
SingVoice Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 He needs therapy. Seriously. Are you really going to be able to deal with someone who says terrible things and then takes them back? That's the problem with words...you CAN'T take them back. If he has anxiety he needs to get help. Maybe suggest this to him. If he really does care about you (and himself!) he should consider it.
Author Katt22 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 He's been to the doctor about it, he was managing his anxiety with medication. Iv'e asked him to get back on the medication months ago but he gave me excuses. I think he's embarrassed that it takes a hold of him sometimes and he can't help himself. I guess what makes me feel really pathetic is the fact that I could forgive him anything. I think that the easy thing to do is to walk away, but I don't think its the right thing. I guess I just don't know how to approach him about this. Or even what to say. I know he knows he hurt me, I just don't know where to go from here
xpaperxcutx Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 He's been to the doctor about it, he was managing his anxiety with medication. Iv'e asked him to get back on the medication months ago but he gave me excuses. I think he's embarrassed that it takes a hold of him sometimes and he can't help himself. I guess what makes me feel really pathetic is the fact that I could forgive him anything. I think that the easy thing to do is to walk away, but I don't think its the right thing. I guess I just don't know how to approach him about this. Or even what to say. I know he knows he hurt me, I just don't know where to go from here Has he ever been diagnosed with a proper disorder? In all seriousness, his behaviour is a red flag to me. If you're going to put up with him be forewarned that he's most likely going to do this more and more often down the road, and guess what, he'll apologize only for the fact that he knows he does things he doesn't mean.
Avaa Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 (edited) He needs therapy. Seriously. Are you really going to be able to deal with someone who says terrible things and then takes them back? That's the problem with words...you CAN'T take them back. If he has anxiety he needs to get help. Maybe suggest this to him. If he really does care about you (and himself!) he should consider it. You can take words back, but actions you can't. OP, we all say things in the heat of the moment even though we know it may be out of line. Don't take certain things to the heart. Oh, and when he does apologize next time make sure he backs it up with his actions. Edited March 6, 2011 by Avaa
heartshaped Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I think that it would be very hard to get over something like this because usually when people fight there's an actually argument. This wasn't a fight; he said a bunch of mean, hurtful things to you and you are just supposed to forget it. Maybe the anxiety did cause him to want you to move out, but the part about saying he didn't love you? Yeah... Personally, I'd leave. If this is a recurring problem of his, he won't take his medication, then, I'd leave. No point in staying and putting up with his crap whether he meant to say it or not.
Author Katt22 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 He was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder several years ago when he was in a horrible job and very stressed all the time. His health insurance isnt that great and the medication is expensive. There is an element of shame involved I think. He doesn't like talking about it. He has a new job he actually likes and things are much better I think, but he occasionally has an issue like this. I try not to be so sensitive, I have a sneaking suspicion that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. After the fight thing seem to have gotten back to normal. He apologized profusely and assured he will try to be better. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with and I think we have both been rubbing each other the wrong way for a little too long and it got a little too heated. I know the way he behaved was inappropriate. I just want to ensure to the best of my ability that it doesn't get that way again.
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