i-wish-i-knew Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Hello.. About 6 mos. ago I reconnected with a guy I graduated with on a social networking site (he sent me the friend request). We weren't friends in school, but we instantly started chatting and soon developed a strong emotional connection, innocently just talking about mutual friends and life. We live a couple of states away, so no physical interaction. In the next few months, we develop a close friendship of constant text messages all day, occasional phone calls, and emails. Very flirtatious, but such a spritual connection we have together. He finally confessed that he had a girlfriend he's been with for 2 years, they recently got back together after breaking up a couple of months. Apparently she has some type of prescription drug addiction (so he says). Well, my dilemma is that I have fallen completely in love with him, and he says he "hearts" me and wishes we could be together. If a whole day goes by where we don't communicate somehow, we are both going crazy. It's almost like an obsession. I have a planned trip down to his area (where all my family and friends live) this month and he wants to get together. He says if we do get to meet, it will be "the right way", meaning he will be single. But I don't know whether I can trust him. Or whether I would even want to start a relationship with someone that is obviously emotional cheating on his current gf. He's convinced me that what they once had is over and he is only still with her to see her through her drug addiction recovery, so I've tried to be patient and not text him, but we end up sending each other messages saying how badly we miss each other. Then I feel guilty like the other woman all over again. I want so bad to believe that he's breaking it off with her so we can get together when I travel down there, but I would have no way of knowing if it's true or not. I wish I could just trust his word, but I don't know if these are red flags that he's totally untrustworthy. Our conversations are not sexual in nature at all, just caring about each other and how our day is going. But my heart completely aches for him when we're not talking, and he says he feels the same. I don't know what to do! Another note, I'm planning to move down there permanently in a few months, and I've told him we should wait until then and see if his situation has changed then maybe we can pursue ours. But in the meantime, every day we miss each other and have to talk. I don't know if I should see him on this trip. I want to, but I just know it will end up intimate... We have been talking for 6 months now, I feel that he truly cares about me, I'm just very confused. I've read so many articles about emotional affairs and how just to steer clear of them, and the guy is just being selfish having his cake and eating it too. I fear I might be blind and not seeing it. I feel like our situtation is so unique (but i've read that everyone OW feels that also).
desertIslandCactus Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 May I ask: Will you be moving there because of him. I don't think it would hurt for you to meet with him for a short time. I'm hoping it will give you a more complete visualization of him. But it's true, as long as he is involved in Any other relationship - it would make your relationship incomplete - and leading to emptiness and hurt.
spice4life Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 You have every right to be concerned and the fact that he said he is helping his current gf through a drug addiction is a red flag. This is a line many of these guys use to rope you into having an affair with them. If you decide to pursue this then do so with your "eyes wide open." Read up and watch for clues that he is not being honest with you. Good luck. Better yet, let BB07 fill you in on what happened to her.
East7 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Probably he is not being totally honest about his girlfriend. You have no way to know, maybe he is engaged, even married.. If he likes you so much why is he still staying with her..drug addiction..? maybe, maybe not, you can't totally trust someone you don't really know so well and who is in a relationship. I would suggest, don't go to meet him unless he tells you he is totally single.
spice4life Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I would suggest, don't go to meet him unless he tells you he is totally single. ...and he can prove it! If he started communicating with you while having a gf then you have every right to ask for proof. Don't accept anything less because your life and time is valuable. If he beats around the bush when you need him to show you he is single then you have your answer.
Author i-wish-i-knew Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Wow, I love this forum and how quickly advice comes flooding in I am not moving there for him. I was married and got divorced almost 2 years ago. I have had plans to move back home for a long time now. It just happens conveniently (or inconveniently) that it's happening soon. Another reason this is so hard for me is because he is the first guy I have even talked to/considered since my divorce. So, my heart is so ready and willing to love again. I should also add that it seems we have a Monday thru Friday, 9 to 5 relationship. It seemed like plenty for me at first, but now I'm realizing that on the weekends I don't hear from him at all, yet here comes Monday morning I get the "I thought about you all weekend" text message. Maybe he's bored or whatever, but I'm so head over heels for him that I am happy to receive and respond to him. I've been reading a lot of these posts and can really relate to the OW's viewpoints. I am so happy to get crumbs from him. I am sure his girlfriend does not know about me, maybe that's why I don't hear from him on weekend or on weeknights. This makes me think I should not even move forward with it. Thank you all so much! Even reading and hearing your advice is a blessing to me, as I haven't been able to share my relationship with him to my family or friends, as I would be ashamed of it since he's involved. Hugs..
BB07 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Wow, I love this forum and how quickly advice comes flooding in I am not moving there for him. I was married and got divorced almost 2 years ago. I have had plans to move back home for a long time now. It just happens conveniently (or inconveniently) that it's happening soon. Another reason this is so hard for me is because he is the first guy I have even talked to/considered since my divorce. So, my heart is so ready and willing to love again. I should also add that it seems we have a Monday thru Friday, 9 to 5 relationship. It seemed like plenty for me at first, but now I'm realizing that on the weekends I don't hear from him at all, yet here comes Monday morning I get the "I thought about you all weekend" text message. Maybe he's bored or whatever, but I'm so head over heels for him that I am happy to receive and respond to him. I've been reading a lot of these posts and can really relate to the OW's viewpoints. I am so happy to get crumbs from him. I am sure his girlfriend does not know about me, maybe that's why I don't hear from him on weekend or on weeknights. This makes me think I should not even move forward with it. Thank you all so much! Even reading and hearing your advice is a blessing to me, as I haven't been able to share my relationship with him to my family or friends, as I would be ashamed of it since he's involved. Hugs.. Oh hon you are in a vulnerable postion and your guard should be very high. Big red flag there, that you aren't hearing from him on the weekends. Did you write that correctly about you are happy to get crumbs???? Gawd I hope not.........please don't ever be content to get crumbs. Never, ever, ever!!!! My intuition says this guy is bad news and he is playing you, I think your intuition is telling you much the same or you wouldn't be here. Please heed it.
fooled once Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Hello.. About 6 mos. ago I reconnected with a guy I graduated with on a social networking site (he sent me the friend request). We weren't friends in school, but we instantly started chatting and soon developed a strong emotional connection, innocently just talking about mutual friends and life. We live a couple of states away, so no physical interaction. In the next few months, we develop a close friendship of constant text messages all day, occasional phone calls, and emails. Very flirtatious, but such a spritual connection we have together. He finally confessed that he had a girlfriend he's been with for 2 years, they recently got back together after breaking up a couple of months. Apparently she has some type of prescription drug addiction (so he says). Well, my dilemma is that I have fallen completely in love with him, and he says he "hearts" me and wishes we could be together. If a whole day goes by where we don't communicate somehow, we are both going crazy. It's almost like an obsession. I have a planned trip down to his area (where all my family and friends live) this month and he wants to get together. He says if we do get to meet, it will be "the right way", meaning he will be single. But I don't know whether I can trust him. Or whether I would even want to start a relationship with someone that is obviously emotional cheating on his current gf. He's convinced me that what they once had is over and he is only still with her to see her through her drug addiction recovery, so I've tried to be patient and not text him, but we end up sending each other messages saying how badly we miss each other. Then I feel guilty like the other woman all over again. I want so bad to believe that he's breaking it off with her so we can get together when I travel down there, but I would have no way of knowing if it's true or not. I wish I could just trust his word, but I don't know if these are red flags that he's totally untrustworthy. Our conversations are not sexual in nature at all, just caring about each other and how our day is going. But my heart completely aches for him when we're not talking, and he says he feels the same. I don't know what to do! Another note, I'm planning to move down there permanently in a few months, and I've told him we should wait until then and see if his situation has changed then maybe we can pursue ours. But in the meantime, every day we miss each other and have to talk. I don't know if I should see him on this trip. I want to, but I just know it will end up intimate... We have been talking for 6 months now, I feel that he truly cares about me, I'm just very confused. I've read so many articles about emotional affairs and how just to steer clear of them, and the guy is just being selfish having his cake and eating it too. I fear I might be blind and not seeing it. I feel like our situtation is so unique (but i've read that everyone OW feels that also). Sorry, but bad idea to get involved with him. It seems he didn't even tell you the truth to begin with - that he was with someone. Of course he is going to say he isn't happy - it is easier to 'rope you in' if he is oh-so-miserable than for you to know that he tells his girlfriend daily he loves her, etc. You have every right to be concerned and the fact that he said he is helping his current gf through a drug addiction is a red flag. This is a line many of these guys use to rope you into having an affair with them. If you decide to pursue this then do so with your "eyes wide open." Read up and watch for clues that he is not being honest with you. Good luck. Better yet, let BB07 fill you in on what happened to her. Ditto Probably he is not being totally honest about his girlfriend. You have no way to know, maybe he is engaged, even married.. If he likes you so much why is he still staying with her..drug addiction..? maybe, maybe not, you can't totally trust someone you don't really know so well and who is in a relationship. I would suggest, don't go to meet him unless he tells you he is totally single. Dito Wow, I love this forum and how quickly advice comes flooding in I am not moving there for him. I was married and got divorced almost 2 years ago. I have had plans to move back home for a long time now. It just happens conveniently (or inconveniently) that it's happening soon. Another reason this is so hard for me is because he is the first guy I have even talked to/considered since my divorce. So, my heart is so ready and willing to love again. I should also add that it seems we have a Monday thru Friday, 9 to 5 relationship. It seemed like plenty for me at first, but now I'm realizing that on the weekends I don't hear from him at all, yet here comes Monday morning I get the "I thought about you all weekend" text message. Maybe he's bored or whatever, but I'm so head over heels for him that I am happy to receive and respond to him. I've been reading a lot of these posts and can really relate to the OW's viewpoints. I am so happy to get crumbs from him. I am sure his girlfriend does not know about me, maybe that's why I don't hear from him on weekend or on weeknights. This makes me think I should not even move forward with it. Thank you all so much! Even reading and hearing your advice is a blessing to me, as I haven't been able to share my relationship with him to my family or friends, as I would be ashamed of it since he's involved. Hugs.. You are the hidden secret. He is with his g/f on the weekends, which is why you don't hear from him. You only hear from him during "working hours". You are his ego boost. After texting and talking for 6 months, and only M-F, you really do NOT know this guy. You know what he wants to show you - and what little he can show you considering he has a girlfriend!!! So when you go visit later this month, will you go to his place where he and his g/f live? Will you be introduced to his girlfriend? Will you all go out to dinner as a group? Will you tell your family and friends that you are meeting a guy who you have been talking to for 6 months and that he has a girlfriend, but you love him and are ready to be his hidden mistress for .... however long it takes? I don't buy the whole "my g/f has a prescription drug problem". Ask him specifics - such as what drug, where is she in rehab at, is he entering any support programs to help him to stop enabling her or being co-dependent? What is he doing to get "healthy" since he stays with someone with a drug dependency? Ever watched the show Intervention? If not, check it out (on A&E cable channel). It is all about helping someone with a drug addiction or an alcoholic get help/treatment and many many times, the family/partner of the person needing treatment gets help too. UNTIL he is single (which I think will be a long time), stay away from him. Tell him you will not be someone's hidden secret. Tell him you will not be someone's option / someone's 2nd choice. I think you are wanting to be "in love" and you are settling That is so sad because it doesn't sound like this guy is worth your love. He is a liar and a cheat. He is a coward. He isn't being respectful to you or his g/f. I also find it funny (not in ha ha funny) that he will ignore you completely starting after work on Friday until after work starts on Monday and then tells you he missed you If he missed you, he would have been in touch. But he was busy with his g/f.
Author i-wish-i-knew Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thank you BB07, I think I'm starting to see things more clearly. These forums and the people in them are amazing. *smile* About the crumbs remarks, it's something I've realized in retrospect. That I was happy when I would get even a little text or email from him. Which is not good. I think I know what I need to do. I think I deserve someone who is proud to be with me, not a secret. Thank you again! I feel better! Now to begin the NC process... whee!! ha
Author i-wish-i-knew Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Fooled Once, I sooo needed to hear all of that, thank you! I am so wanting to believe he is this wonderful man, just stuck in a bad situation, and he's such a good guy that he doesn't want to hurt his gf - despite how bad he wants to be with me (he says). And as I actually type the fact that we only chat during working hours really has opened my eyes. I was just so happy to talk to him any way, that I never even thought it was a big deal. I was just being patient as he would routinely remind me that he was 'working things out'. Yet, keeping me in limbo at the same time. I don't really think that in the next 2 weeks (when I'm planning my trip, he knows this), that he will break up with her. Even though he is begging me to make some time for him, and that it he will be single. I used to think we had a soulmate connection and I smiled when I thought of him and our talks. But now I only get sad and can't focus on my own life. I have 2 sons, 17 and 7 and I shouldn't be worrying about getting a text from this guy. Love is so confusing.
BB07 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Please believe you deserve so much more than this because YOU DO! It's an ideal set up for him because of the distance, it makes it much easier for him to play you and play her. Please find yourself and your goodness and then go out and find you a man who will deserve you. Don't let some asshat take advantage of your vulnerabilities. BTDT and I'm older than you and the cost gets higher the older you get. Hugs........
spice4life Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) Fooled Once, I sooo needed to hear all of that, thank you! I am so wanting to believe he is this wonderful man, just stuck in a bad situation, and he's such a good guy that he doesn't want to hurt his gf - despite how bad he wants to be with me (he says). And as I actually type the fact that we only chat during working hours really has opened my eyes. I was just so happy to talk to him any way, that I never even thought it was a big deal. I was just being patient as he would routinely remind me that he was 'working things out'. Yet, keeping me in limbo at the same time. I don't really think that in the next 2 weeks (when I'm planning my trip, he knows this), that he will break up with her. Even though he is begging me to make some time for him, and that it he will be single. I used to think we had a soulmate connection and I smiled when I thought of him and our talks. But now I only get sad and can't focus on my own life. I have 2 sons, 17 and 7 and I shouldn't be worrying about getting a text from this guy. Love is so confusing. Good for you i-wish-i-knew! Proud of you! If you allowed it to continue the "working things out" would turn into "we will talk soon" and then weeks turn into months and before you know it's 2 years later. By that time, you will have reduced yourself to accepting crumbs of crumbs! No kiddding. So glad you saved yourself that agony. You do deserve so much more and don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't. Keep posting! You're an inspiration. Edited March 7, 2011 by spice4life
Author i-wish-i-knew Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Thank you so much for all the advice. I sent him a message telling him that our situation wasn't working out for me anymore. I know it must have surprised the heck out of him. He didn't even reply. I asked him to respect my decision and that was my final goodbye. I think he will respect it, he was always very nice to me. Never disrespectful (other than the actual situation). I felt very empowered afterwards. I am woman! Hear me roar! .... *meow*. lol I expect I might hear from him at some point, but I'm prepared to stick to my guns. Another thing that was a big deciding factor was the fact that his poor girlfriend had no clue that he's emotionally involved with me. I felt like I was treating another sister horribly. And i couldn't live with that either. I'm sort of thankful I went through this, it was a life lesson and I know I'll never go through this again. If an attached man heads my way, i will tell him to kiss my grits. ha God Bless
fooled once Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) Fooled Once, I sooo needed to hear all of that, thank you! I am so wanting to believe he is this wonderful man, just stuck in a bad situation, and he's such a good guy that he doesn't want to hurt his gf - despite how bad he wants to be with me (he says). And as I actually type the fact that we only chat during working hours really has opened my eyes. I was just so happy to talk to him any way, that I never even thought it was a big deal. I was just being patient as he would routinely remind me that he was 'working things out'. Yet, keeping me in limbo at the same time. I don't really think that in the next 2 weeks (when I'm planning my trip, he knows this), that he will break up with her. Even though he is begging me to make some time for him, and that it he will be single. I used to think we had a soulmate connection and I smiled when I thought of him and our talks. But now I only get sad and can't focus on my own life. I have 2 sons, 17 and 7 and I shouldn't be worrying about getting a text from this guy. Love is so confusing. I am so glad you took my post the way I intended it - which was NOT to hurt you or make you feel bad. Yes, focus on your boys! (Boys are the best - have one myself ) I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in love. I believe we deserve happiness and we deserve to be treated with respect. I believe we should get back what we put out. Getting a text from his guy - a cheater - should NOT be a top priority. I know you are lonely ((hug)) but crumbs is UNACCEPTABLE. You should be with someone who is excited to be with you, someone who isn't ashamed of you, someone who wants to shout to the rooftops how much he cares about you. Not some scum who is sneaking texts to you - but only during M-F, someone who you can't rely on to be there FOR YOU and someone who if he was in an accident tomorrow, you wouldn't know about it because you aren't his emergency contact person. Heck, you couldn't even show up to see him without raising suspicion! Is this what you want for your boys? Do you want some girl to be sneaking around with some other guy instead of being loyal to them? Wouldn't you want to kick her butt for hurting your son? If an affair is good enough for you, does that make it good enough for your sons? HECK NO! Because it isn't good enough for you!! I know you are down and sad, but think of things this way - better to find out now that this isn't something you want instead of investing years waiting on some guy to 'pick' you. Being alone and happy is better than being involved with some guy and sneaking around and being on a roller coaster of 'happiness'. I wish you the best and I hope you stand firm and refuse to participate any longer with this affair. This guy is a coward. Instead of ending things with his girlfriend, he cheats on her. Definitely not morals you want your sons to have. ETA: I just read the entire thread, including your last update: Thank you so much for all the advice. I sent him a message telling him that our situation wasn't working out for me anymore. I know it must have surprised the heck out of him. He didn't even reply. I asked him to respect my decision and that was my final goodbye. I think he will respect it, he was always very nice to me. Never disrespectful (other than the actual situation). I felt very empowered afterwards. I am woman! Hear me roar! .... *meow*. lol I expect I might hear from him at some point, but I'm prepared to stick to my guns. Another thing that was a big deciding factor was the fact that his poor girlfriend had no clue that he's emotionally involved with me. I felt like I was treating another sister horribly. And i couldn't live with that either. I'm sort of thankful I went through this, it was a life lesson and I know I'll never go through this again. If an attached man heads my way, i will tell him to kiss my grits. ha I am so proud of you for EMPOWERING yourself!! I also like how you didn't like treating another "sister" horribly. That shows what class you have!! Do unto others as you would have done to you. You are going to be just fine! Hang in there and I wish you the very best!! Edited March 8, 2011 by fooled once
spice4life Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Thank you so much for all the advice. I sent him a message telling him that our situation wasn't working out for me anymore. I know it must have surprised the heck out of him. He didn't even reply. I asked him to respect my decision and that was my final goodbye. I think he will respect it, he was always very nice to me. Never disrespectful (other than the actual situation). I felt very empowered afterwards. I am woman! Hear me roar! .... *meow*. lol I expect I might hear from him at some point, but I'm prepared to stick to my guns. Another thing that was a big deciding factor was the fact that his poor girlfriend had no clue that he's emotionally involved with me. I felt like I was treating another sister horribly. And i couldn't live with that either. I'm sort of thankful I went through this, it was a life lesson and I know I'll never go through this again. If an attached man heads my way, i will tell him to kiss my grits. ha God Bless I felt very empowered afterwards. I am woman! Hear me roar! .... *meow*. lol LOL!!! HUGE *Applause*!!! Wow...you are amazing! I am so happy that you took a stand and said "no way." You totally rock! He will try to "fish" eventually to see if you respond...and it's best to ignore. So glad you came here and saw the road he was leading you down. If you ever feel like you miss him, post here instead. The posters here will support you and keep you strong. Best wishes.
OWoman Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 IWIK, I'm happy you managed to solve all your problems in five posts. I hope your life continues to be happy
Silly_Girl Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 IWIK, I'm happy you managed to solve all your problems in five posts. I hope your life continues to be happy This really made me smile. I wish it were like that for many more OW posters.
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