mrsgump Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Hello I got married two and a bit years ago after knowing my husband for a year and a half. Our relationship was long-distance for most of the time before we got married as he lived abroad. I had lived with him for three months in his country before we got engaged. After marriage, he moved over to England to be with me. We are both 28 and have no kids. I was never the kind of girl who always wanted to get married - I even thought I may never get married, but my husband really won me over as he is kind and charming and we really connected with each other. I was heart broken to discover soon after our honeymoon that he had cheated on me while we were engaged. He had a week long affair (he slept with her three times) with a girl who was on holiday in his country, while we were still long-distance. I found out by chance and he denied everything and lied as long as he could before finally admitting it was all true. I was really pissed off because if I had known before we got married, I really doubt I would have married him at all. So that was two years ago. I decided to stay and give him the benefit of the doubt. For me, it was totally out of character for him, he's not that kind of guy. He isn't from a cheating family and he is a very loving and affectionate person. His explanation was that he wanted to have some fun before getting married, but that he would never do anything like that again. It's only in the last eight months that I've really started to be ok with the fact that he cheated and not cry periodically about it, I haven't fully forgiven him still. It really hit me hard. So far I do feel like he is giving his all for me and our marriage, but on some level I am not doing the same. He always has financial issues and whenever he is short I am the one who is sending money to his account to pay for his share of bills. It's frustrating for me as I would have loved to have a husband who supports me once in a while instead of me always supporting him, particularly when I'm not that financially stable myself (I was studying full time last year, it wiped out my savings and I always paid my half of the bills). I know that is not good wife talk! But it's even more frustrating for me because I always think back to how he cheated and put me through hell and now I'm the one who is always helping him out financially. Something doesn't feel fair. I feel like part of me is always holding back. I do love him and he is the only man I have ever thought of marrying - but why do I not feel more comfortable about sacrificing financially to support my husband? Also, part of me is worried that one day he will cheat on me again. I have told him quite clearly that if he does I will definitely leave. Can I really believe that he won't do it again? He says he won't, but what man would be stupid enough to admit it if he did intend to cheat again? I think this is the other factor that is holding me back - somewhere at the back of my mind I feel like I shouldn't get too close, because that is why I was so hurt in the first place. That's quite a sad way to lead a marriage. I'm worried that if he cheats again ten years down the line and I leave him, I will feel like I have wasted so much of my time and life with this man. Things between us are generally good but he has been a bit depressed lately as he has been out of work for the past two months. Every once in a while when we argue I'll say some really mean things to him about how he cheated, his rubbish finances and how he lives in 'my' house (I bought it by myself a few months after we got married and decided not to add his name after I found out he cheated). After a recent argument combined with his depression, I think something has clicked with him that maybe he doesn't want to be with me forever. This feels strange and I'm not sure if it will go away or if he is making some big decisions in his own mind. I suppose this is fair enough - it's not fair that he should have to suffer with his cheating being brought up for the rest of his life or a wife who isn't happy to support him. Sometimes I wonder if on some level I have been self-sabotaging our marriage and I don't want to just 'be happy' because I could be if I accepted all of these issues. Or am I right to be questioning all of these things? Anyway, just feeling confused. I don't feel ready to leave or anything like that, but I do wonder what would be best for the longrun... Any thoughts? Many thanks
devilmaycare Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Have you sought counseling at all? This may be a way to work out, at least, the cheating portion. As far as sacrificing financially for H, it may be fine for awhile, but speaking from experience, it can definitely take a toll on the marriage. If he is not actively seeking work, or does not find work after a prolonged period of time, this will only add to your frustration and doubt. And if he experiences inadequacy being reliant on you, it may create the circumstances for cheating again. Counseling will definitely help you determine if these issues are related (they appear not, at present, except when you chastise him for cheating when on the subject of finance). It is completely possible to recover from the cheating (I have friends who were just wed, and he cheated on her prior to their engagement). The insecurity about the cheating, though, COMBINED with the fact that you are uncertain about his ability to support himself, will definitely create more problems if not addressed in a professional environment.
heartshaped Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 At the end of the day, simply put, cheating is something that either you can forgive and forget or you can't. Right now, it doesn't sound like you can. It's already been two years and you haven't gotten over it. I would suggest marriage counseling and individual counseling, but if this is just something you can't let go/get over then, your marriage is as good as over.
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