I don't want MM to leave his family...

[lday]

I have no children, it's only MM who has a daughter.

 

Right now all I can do is make sure that everyday, everytime possible MM puts them first before me, that's the least I can do.

 

Dude, the thing is, do wateva u want, but be really honest with urselves. Your happyness = free to you, but someone pays - the person payin is ur partners, n ur kids pay the highest price if thy find out, ull mess thm up foreva.

[Owl]

So the bottom line is that you are exactly where you've chosen to be.

 

You don't want to end your marriage.

 

You don't want to/can't change or improve your marriage.

 

You're in an affair with another married man.

 

You've made it clear that you're not going to change any aspect of the situation that you're in.

 

It sounds as if your fear is that MM is going to make a change...and you don't want the situation to change.

 

What is it you're hoping that we here on LS can help you with? What support/advice are you looking to find?

 

If you're not wanting to/willing to make a change...I'm not sure what any of us can offer to help/support you.

 

The only suggestion I can offer to you at the moment is to suck up all the happiness you can right now...change is inevitable, and when it hits, there will be many people who end up paying the price for the choices made today.

 

Are you willing to let those people pay the price then for your happiness today?

[lday]

Right now I can't change my marriage. Not yet. Things are still unclear. But if I deign to let it go as it does, the M will not dissolve.

 

I just need to know or find out more from OWs what to expect. I'm afraid I'll go nuts and be that stalker woman. Or that MM will disappoint/go nuts/don't know. I just don't know what to expect since most I read are ready and willing for their OM/OW's marriages to go south.

 

I'm also afraid that in time, I'd want more from MM. More time, more love, more commitment?? I really don't know where my heart will go...

 

Am I willing to let other people pay the price for my happiness?

Right now, yes Doesn't sound fair does it? I'm afraid to say that I am willing to risk MM's wife/child for my own happiness. That's the ugly truth. I don't like it but I cannot help it.

 

 

So the bottom line is that you are exactly where you've chosen to be.

 

You don't want to end your marriage.

 

You don't want to/can't change or improve your marriage.

 

You're in an affair with another married man.

 

You've made it clear that you're not going to change any aspect of the situation that you're in.

 

It sounds as if your fear is that MM is going to make a change...and you don't want the situation to change.

 

What is it you're hoping that we here on LS can help you with? What support/advice are you looking to find?

 

If you're not wanting to/willing to make a change...I'm not sure what any of us can offer to help/support you.

 

The only suggestion I can offer to you at the moment is to suck up all the happiness you can right now...change is inevitable, and when it hits, there will be many people who end up paying the price for the choices made today.

 

Are you willing to let those people pay the price then for your happiness today?

[Owl]

Right now I can't change my marriage. Not yet. Things are still unclear. But if I deign to let it go as it does, the M will not dissolve.

 

I just need to know or find out more from OWs what to expect. I'm afraid I'll go nuts and be that stalker woman. Or that MM will disappoint/go nuts/don't know. I just don't know what to expect since most I read are ready and willing for their OM/OW's marriages to go south.

 

I'm also afraid that in time, I'd want more from MM. More time, more love, more commitment?? I really don't know where my heart will go...

 

Am I willing to let other people pay the price for my happiness?

Right now, yes Doesn't sound fair does it? I'm afraid to say that I am willing to risk MM's wife/child for my own happiness. That's the ugly truth. I don't like it but I cannot help it.

 

Fair enough...there's not much I can offer for you as far as support or advice...all I can do is wish the best for you, MM, and everyone else who will be impacted, and bow out for others to potentially provide what you seek.

[lday]

Thank you. This is all too new and surreal to me. I'm just reading other OWs posts and threads trying to see something of them in me and perhaps gauge how I will react in the future.

 

Fair enough...there's not much I can offer for you as far as support or advice...all I can do is wish the best for you, MM, and everyone else who will be impacted, and bow out for others to potentially provide what you seek.

[BB07]

Thank you. This is all too new and surreal to me. I'm just reading other OWs posts and threads trying to see something of them in me and perhaps gauge how I will react in the future.

 

The thing is there is no way to know. Some do get past it with few negative remains but few come out completely unscathed, some come out with scars and baggage that they never get past and then there are some who come out past the point of crazed.

You really have no way of knowing which way it will turn out for you. You are taking a risk that there is really no way to measure of how big the risk is.

[ver13]

Completely. You don't want your MM to go through pain or his family to be in pain. Plus, it sounds like you are having a lovely time there. Why ruin it with the drudgery & pressure of everday day life & responsibilities? This A is at the beginning stage, and I suggest that you enjoy every moment of this fun time. Not say that it will change, but you don't know what lies ahead. I don't think you are nuts. Take what amount of happiness you can find, albeit very carefully and discreetly for all concerned. Many people on here would trounce on me for that, but it is my opinion and I am entitled to it. We all deserve a bit of happiness when/where we can find it without hurting others. Can't emphasize discretion enough especially since you are apparently colleagues.

If you really want to be happy why not just leave and be free to do your own thing? Why do you have to be discreet in the first place, be single and be able to walk out in the light of day anywhere you want to go together.

[ver13]

No he was unkind to me. That's why a never before adulterer was born after 20 years. I am a beautiful woman and I could have gotten any man I want if I wanted to the past 20 years.

 

We have an arrangement, husband has his life and I have mine. We do not flaunt it in each other's faces that's all.

 

The issue I guess is I'm afraid if I fall too deep, I might want more. Need more but that can never happen.

 

MM can't leave his marriage because of the child although he is thinking about it. Even if he does leave, my marriage is complicated and it involves more than just husband and I and right now even if we want to, we can't divorce either.

IMO when living with your H becomes an arrangment because of something that has happened to change the way in which you live in your M maybe you need to move on and be by yourself. I know M can be complicated be when you reach the arrangement stage it's no loner marriage it's a business deal. One thing is for sure when relationships become basesd off of non-emotional arrangements watch out. Somethings that one might tolerate in Luv aren't always the same in business.

[Bionic Me]

Smells like danger. I wonder how things will play out if the two of you got caught.

[neveragain1]

I am indescribably happy now

 

then you and MM should give your spouses the opportunity and choice to be happy as well.

 

If you and your husband, for some gawd awful reason, have this thing where you cannot divorce, then your MM's wife should be afforded the choice to be happy and be with someone that won't f### her over.

[neveragain1]

Yes, I used to think that too.

 

looks like you still do

 

 

By the way the husband admited it is his fault.

 

well then I guess things are all hunky dory.

[neveragain1]

I won't answer the rest but the first one about money.

Honey, I'm the one with the money.

 

so you afraid if you get divorced your husband will take you to the cleaners then?

 

you say you can't get divorced. I say bull, unless one of you is afraid of having your arse handed to you.

[neveragain1]

I'm afraid I've fallen....

 

My M is what I've known most of my life. If MM were not married or has no child, I'd give up the M for MM without a thought.

 

uh, you just got done telling this forum that you can't get a divorce and that it isn't an option.

 

here you say you would based on MM's situation.

 

So seems really what you are afraid of is getting a divorce and the relationship with MM falls through.

 

or is it that you may realize that if you and MM end up together, then monotony will set in because it won't be as much of a thrill any longer as it is to sneak around or only be with each other once in a while?

[fooled once]

Been lurking for a long while and finally got the courage to write my story.

 

I'm married for 20 years with no children and have always felt strongly that if I want anything to do with an affair, I'll have to end my marriage first. How idealistic.

 

MM is married for 6 years and has one child, a daughter. I'm not going into details but in his culture, marriage is not for love.

 

He is also younger than me by a few years. I know I look at least a decade younger than my age. We look good together

 

Before MM, I've quite a few other men ,married and single, trying to date me but I was not interested because I am a MW right? Then I met MM and for the first time in 20 years, I fell and felt for another man.

 

Obviously MM must have been attracted to me but it was an instant connection for us both. And over the months during our times together (not dates, our work has us meet up a few times a week) we got to know each other so well. Finally after 6 months of incredible tension, both emotional and sexual I suppose, we went on our first 'date' and that was it.

 

I do not want him to leave his wife and child. I cannot leave my marriage presently either. Please don't ask me why but as we all know, all of us have to stay in our marriages for a variety of reasons.

 

I've been reading and reading and I see that most OWs live for the day their MM decides to leave his family. I don't. I love mine too much to see him lose his family.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop enabling cake-eating or that I'll want more one day. Right now I know I am just happy being able to spend time with him and both of us are gloriously happy when we are together.

 

As someone who has been married and divorced, I refuse to believe people "can't" divorce. Nope. Even with a small child - which I had - I STILL divorced. I was broke beyond broke - but I was divorced. NEVER did cheating enter my mind; never would I have done that instead of divorcing.

 

Cheating is a cowardly thing to do.

 

Enjoy the cake eating. In time, you will probably want more - when you realize that he does love his wife (even though he tells you he doesn't), that he makes love to his wife (even though he tells you he doesn't), that he enjoys going on vacation with her (even though he tells you he doesn't), he and his wife sit down and plan their future together (even though he tells you he doesn't), etc.

 

If you are happy knowing he is more concerned about keeping his wife happy and his family intact, then no problems. If you are okay with being 2nd choice, a hidden secret, someone that he uses to amuse himself and build his ego, then no problems.

 

Just remember that he can replace you with any other OW he finds he wants. He continues to stay married to his wife, which speaks volumes about who he cares about (besides himself). He is a crappy husband and father (because IMHO a good father doesn't treat the mother of his child disrespectfully by sleeping with some woman who could have an STD or be a stalker - not saying you - just a general statement).

 

It sounds like you are both happy with the cake eating so what is the issue? If you are both on the same page and happy with where things are, then I don't really understand what it is your asking. Are you feeling guilty about having an affair? If that's the case then you should be asking why you're in one instead.

 

Good post Spice.

[Heather1]

Heather, yes I am quite relieved to read someone else doesn't want the MM to leave either. Seems like most do. I'm just afraid I'll be like that, natural progression kind of thing.

 

Yes I guess I am trying to see what's ahead and if I/we can handle it without making a big horror of a mess ie drama from family.

 

Mine ended from his guilt, not one of us wanting more. The way I looked at it was we both have our families, my kids are a lot older than his & no thanks on the step mom of a toddler!! I'm already wife, mom, daughter, in-law, sister. I just liked what limited time we had together to be ME & not be taking care of someone elses needs & being wildly attracted to someone. i liked the bubble, he didn't.

 

So even w/out the regular progression of the woman wanting more, one or both of you will feel really guilty & try to end things (over & over & over). I'm sure there's A's that last years & are not the rollercoaster I went through. Most of the A's on this board are the one's that are failing or have failed. People who are OK in their A's don't really post much on here anymore.

[carrie999]

No he was unkind to me. That's why a never before adulterer was born after 20 years. I am a beautiful woman and I could have gotten any man I want if I wanted to the past 20 years.

 

We have an arrangement, husband has his life and I have mine. We do not flaunt it in each other's faces that's all.

 

The issue I guess is I'm afraid if I fall too deep, I might want more. Need more but that can never happen.

 

MM can't leave his marriage because of the child although he is thinking about it. Even if he does leave, my marriage is complicated and it involves more than just husband and I and right now even if we want to, we can't divorce either.

 

My first question was whether or not MM fully understands your intentions and where you stand. That's really crucial. If you're open and honest about NOT wanting this to become a true relationship, you are truly only responsible for the damage you do to your own family. If you lead him to believe that your feelings are strong and this *might* progress further, you officially have a hand in destroying what he has, too.

 

Others may jump on this and say that you are already responsible, just by being involved in MM's life. That's not wrong, necessarily. But in my opinion, until he believes he could have a life (or anything "real") with you, you merely represent someone whom he is adulterous. That could mean you take on the faceless presence of many women...at that point, he is just cheating on his wife, and you (as a person) are irrelevant. When it's just about infidelity, it doesn't matter who is involved...he's screwing around behind his wife's back, and THAT is the issue.

 

But (again just my opinion) if he is IN LOVE with you and wants to pursue this and you let him believe there is any hope, you are now the entity who stands between him and his wife. It's no longer just him fulfilling needs unmet in the marriage...it's a plan for a future with someone else. If it was me, and I found out my husband cheated for sex, I'd be heartbroken and possibly inconsolably sad and angry, but I'd be much more likely to forgive if there was some explanation. Falling in love with someone else, on the other hand, would mean the relationship is irrevocably broken.

 

If his marriage ends up because he fell for you and realized she wasn't enough, even though you made it clear you weren't going to get involved with him, that means it's ending on terms you couldn't control, even if you played a part in the end for them. However, if it ends because you have led him to believe you two have a fighting chance in being together, your role is much bigger in ruining their marriage.

[Star_Bright]

Not every other woman wants the married man to leave his family. You have an arrangement as do many of us. It's what works for you. The thing is you are in a certain stage of your relationship. The way you feel now is not what you will feel later down the line. When I started my affair more than ten years ago before marriage was not even a thought. After marriage the feeling remained the same of not wanting more... but in time your emotions change. So, you saying this now is how you feel in the present day. You have no idea if years from now you won't be the crazy woman in the bushes outside his house. People and emotions change with time. I hope you never get to that stage. If you are content with the way things are now lets hope for your sake it stays that way.

 

I completely agree with this. I think when I first came to LS I was posting that I understood exMM's reasons for staying (his kids) and I felt that if I loved him I had to love his family and understand his reasonings for wanting to keep it together. I thought I was fine with the relationship as it was (I guess I was just trying to convince myself). When I really thought about it I realized he couldn't have everything and neither could I... his being with me jeopardized his family staying in tact because his wife could decide she didn't want to be with a cheating husband and kick him out. So if I did love him and accept his desire for his family to stay together, I needed to stay out of the picture, lest the opposite happen. Plus I wouldn't have wanted him to come to me by default after being kicked out... and I had a feeling that is what he would do because he didn't want to be alone, wanted both of us but would go with whoever took him. I envisioned her dumping him and him coming to me as his next-best bet, and it made my stomach sick. I wouldn't want to hurt him by saying "no" because I loved him, but I wouldn't want to live my life with him knowing that it was only because she didn't want him/ got tired of his cheating.

 

Also natural feelings of love and closeness took over and I started to want all or nothing. I wanted him to make a choice or I would make it for him (which I eventually did). I understand your sitch is different b/c you're married and want to stay married, but, like Emme said, you can't predict how your feelings or his will change in the future. This is one of those situations in life where people learn, I think, that they can't have everything. It never works out as perfect as we want. Eventually one or both of you will want more, one or both of you will get caught... and it's not always fun to think of those "what ifs" and play out the scenarios but I think it's necessary in order to avoid living in delusion and fooling oneself. I think the rare circumstances where this works out is if both parties don't allow themselves to get emotionally attached/invested and realize it's temporary and short-term fun only. (That is how I started out with exMM and I thought he was fine with it and he thought I was fine with it and vice versa. It changed, though... ironically due to him wanting us to explore the emotional connection instead of keeping them boxed up... and once I let my emotions come out, I can't just think of it in terms of fun and games. I got too invested in him because I cared about him and in my own feelings for the same reason. If you are able to make this work then I would say you are a rarity.... I do wish you luck.