I don't want MM to leave his family...

[lday]

Been lurking for a long while and finally got the courage to write my story.

 

I'm married for 20 years with no children and have always felt strongly that if I want anything to do with an affair, I'll have to end my marriage first. How idealistic.

 

MM is married for 6 years and has one child, a daughter. I'm not going into details but in his culture, marriage is not for love.

 

He is also younger than me by a few years. I know I look at least a decade younger than my age. We look good together

 

Before MM, I've quite a few other men ,married and single, trying to date me but I was not interested because I am a MW right? Then I met MM and for the first time in 20 years, I fell and felt for another man.

 

Obviously MM must have been attracted to me but it was an instant connection for us both. And over the months during our times together (not dates, our work has us meet up a few times a week) we got to know each other so well. Finally after 6 months of incredible tension, both emotional and sexual I suppose, we went on our first 'date' and that was it.

 

I do not want him to leave his wife and child. I cannot leave my marriage presently either. Please don't ask me why but as we all know, all of us have to stay in our marriages for a variety of reasons.

 

I've been reading and reading and I see that most OWs live for the day their MM decides to leave his family. I don't. I love mine too much to see him lose his family.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop enabling cake-eating or that I'll want more one day. Right now I know I am just happy being able to spend time with him and both of us are gloriously happy when we are together.

Edited March 6, 2011 by lday

[BB07]

So both of you are enjoying the cake eating and the double life and you don't desire more?

 

Have you thought about what might happen should you get caught? Have you considered the possibility that your husband might dump you? How would you feel about that?

[Viscious Vendetta]

Been lurking for a long while and finally got the courage to write my story.

 

I'm married for 20 years with no children and have always felt strongly that if I want anything to do with an affair, I'll have to end my marriage first. How idealistic.

 

MM is married for 6 years and has one child, a daughter. I'm not going into details but in his culture, marriage is not for love.

 

He is also younger than me by a few years. I know I look at least a decade younger than my age. We look good together

 

Before MM, I've quite a few other men ,married and single, trying to date me but I was not interested because I am a MW right? Then I met MM and for the first time in 20 years, I fell and felt for another man.

 

Obviously MM must have been attracted to me but it was an instant connection for us both. And over the months during our times together (not dates, our work has us meet up a few times a week) we got to know each other so well. Finally after 6 months of incredible tension, both emotional and sexual I suppose, we went on our first 'date' and that was it.

 

I do not want him to leave his wife and child. I cannot leave my marriage presently either. Please don't ask me why but as we all know, all of us have to stay in our marriages for a variety of reasons.

 

I've been reading and reading and I see that most OWs live for the day their MM decides to leave his family. I don't. I love mine too much to see him lose his family.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop enabling cake-eating or that I'll want more one day. Right now I know I am just happy being able to spend time with him and both of us are gloriously happy when we are together.

Since you asked. Yes ma'am. I'm afraid you are. And unreasonable and unkind to your husband.

[Emme]

Not every other woman wants the married man to leave his family. You have an arrangement as do many of us. It's what works for you. The thing is you are in a certain stage of your relationship. The way you feel now is not what you will feel later down the line. When I started my affair more than ten years ago before marriage was not even a thought. After marriage the feeling remained the same of not wanting more... but in time your emotions change. So, you saying this now is how you feel in the present day. You have no idea if years from now you won't be the crazy woman in the bushes outside his house. People and emotions change with time. I hope you never get to that stage. If you are content with the way things are now lets hope for your sake it stays that way.

[spice4life]

Been lurking for a long while and finally got the courage to write my story.

 

I'm married for 20 years with no children and have always felt strongly that if I want anything to do with an affair, I'll have to end my marriage first. How idealistic.

 

MM is married for 6 years and has one child, a daughter. I'm not going into details but in his culture, marriage is not for love.

 

He is also younger than me by a few years. I know I look at least a decade younger than my age. We look good together

 

Before MM, I've quite a few other men ,married and single, trying to date me but I was not interested because I am a MW right? Then I met MM and for the first time in 20 years, I fell and felt for another man.

 

Obviously MM must have been attracted to me but it was an instant connection for us both. And over the months during our times together (not dates, our work has us meet up a few times a week) we got to know each other so well. Finally after 6 months of incredible tension, both emotional and sexual I suppose, we went on our first 'date' and that was it.

 

I do not want him to leave his wife and child. I cannot leave my marriage presently either. Please don't ask me why but as we all know, all of us have to stay in our marriages for a variety of reasons.

 

I've been reading and reading and I see that most OWs live for the day their MM decides to leave his family. I don't. I love mine too much to see him lose his family.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop enabling cake-eating or that I'll want more one day. Right now I know I am just happy being able to spend time with him and both of us are gloriously happy when we are together.

 

It sounds like you are both happy with the cake eating so what is the issue? If you are both on the same page and happy with where things are, then I don't really understand what it is your asking. Are you feeling guilty about having an affair? If that's the case then you should be asking why you're in one instead.

[tami-chan]

I agree with Spice4life. I am not really sure what is the issue. Some people will think you are nuts, some people are indifferent and some people will think you are a hopeless romantic.

 

There are consequences to our actions. Calculate the risks you are taking.

[lday]

Since you asked. Yes ma'am. I'm afraid you are. And unreasonable and unkind to your husband.

 

No he was unkind to me. That's why a never before adulterer was born after 20 years. I am a beautiful woman and I could have gotten any man I want if I wanted to the past 20 years.

 

We have an arrangement, husband has his life and I have mine. We do not flaunt it in each other's faces that's all.

 

The issue I guess is I'm afraid if I fall too deep, I might want more. Need more but that can never happen.

 

MM can't leave his marriage because of the child although he is thinking about it. Even if he does leave, my marriage is complicated and it involves more than just husband and I and right now even if we want to, we can't divorce either.

[lday]

It sounds like you are both happy with the cake eating so what is the issue? If you are both on the same page and happy with where things are, then I don't really understand what it is your asking. Are you feeling guilty about having an affair? If that's the case then you should be asking why you're in one instead.

 

 

Yes of course I feel guilty, who wouldn't?

[BB07]

What you are doing is full of risks......and the cost could be very great to yourself and others.

[lday]

What you are doing is full of risks......and the cost could be very great to yourself and others.

 

I know, you are so right. Hence the guilt. I don't care about myself so much, my marriage is set in stone. If it ends, it'll be more a relief than anything else. I have to think very carefully how to deal with it or how to end it when the time comes. Right now I cannot let go though. Even if I can, I can't avoid MM, we don't work together but do meet for work.

[TurboGirl]

Completely. You don't want your MM to go through pain or his family to be in pain. Plus, it sounds like you are having a lovely time there. Why ruin it with the drudgery & pressure of everday day life & responsibilities? This A is at the beginning stage, and I suggest that you enjoy every moment of this fun time. Not say that it will change, but you don't know what lies ahead. I don't think you are nuts. Take what amount of happiness you can find, albeit very carefully and discreetly for all concerned. Many people on here would trounce on me for that, but it is my opinion and I am entitled to it. We all deserve a bit of happiness when/where we can find it without hurting others. Can't emphasize discretion enough especially since you are apparently colleagues.

[Heather1]

I've never wanted more either, never has really crossed my mind.

 

Other things came up though, despite that. Are you trying to see what's down the road for you? I think it just depends on if you both can handle this. When one can't, it's a rollercoaster.

[findingnemo]

No he was unkind to me. That's why a never before adulterer was born after 20 years. I am a beautiful woman and I could have gotten any man I want if I wanted to the past 20 years.

 

We have an arrangement, husband has his life and I have mine. We do not flaunt it in each other's faces that's all.

 

The issue I guess is I'm afraid if I fall too deep, I might want more. Need more but that can never happen.

 

MM can't leave his marriage because of the child although he is thinking about it. Even if he does leave, my marriage is complicated and it involves more than just husband and I and right now even if we want to, we can't divorce either.

 

 

lday,

 

You like your M the way it is and your fear is that MM is going to mess things up for you. Wow. That is a unique problem on this forum.

 

You seem like an intelligent and mature woman who is able to balance her needs for intimacy with her other needs. Since MM provides only intimacy and your M provides pretty much everything else, you will probably need to let MM go. The question for you is what is worth more, intimacy or stability in your M? Don't wait to fall for him...

[spice4life]

Yes of course I feel guilty, who wouldn't?

 

I'm sorry if you took my post as a dig - it wasn't intended that way. I was just trying to figure out what you were questioning if you are happy and enjoying your affair.

 

I know for some that is the way it is and you have to do whatever it is that makes you happy. Are you happy in your marriage?

 

Best wishes.

Edited March 7, 2011 by spice4life

[bentnotbroken]

Yes of course I feel guilty, who wouldn't?

 

 

You would be shocked at those who don't.

[neveragain1]

I cannot leave my marriage presently either.

 

why not?

 

 

Please don't ask me why but as we all know, all of us have to stay in our marriages for a variety of reasons.

 

sorry, I have to ask why not. must be money.

 

 

 

I've been reading and reading and I see that most OWs live for the day their MM decides to leave his family. I don't. I love mine too much to see him lose his family.

 

well he must not love his family too much to be robbing them of time to sleep with some other woman.

 

when you cheat on your spouse, you cheat your children.

 

 

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop enabling cake-eating or that I'll want more one day.

 

since you are cheating on your own family, it would be rather silly to advise you to stop enabling your MM's cake eating. you say that as if he is the only one doing wrong and you are just along for the ride.

 

 

Right now I know I am just happy being able to spend time with him and both of us are gloriously happy when we are together.

 

don't you feel that your spouses deserve to be happy too? You don't think it is fair to afford them the same that you are getting for yourself?

 

His wife, and your husband deserve to be free so they can find someone that truly loves them and someone that won't do to them what you are.

[neveragain1]

No he was unkind to me. That's why a never before adulterer was born after 20 years.

 

always someone elses fault for the choices made:rolleyes:

[lday]

Dear Turbogirl thank you.

 

We are not colleagues, we don't see each other often. We are in the same line of work and our companies have dealings with each other. We meet 3 times a week at most.

 

Thank you for your advice and no worries we are beyond careful, for the sake of our companies, colleagues and of course his family.

 

I am indescribably happy now, words cannot express.... mixed with guilt towards his family though. Quite excruciating. I never thought in my life I'll be like this, my family if they knew would be shocked. I am the last person in the clan they'd figure will ever embark on an affair.

 

Completely. You don't want your MM to go through pain or his family to be in pain. Plus, it sounds like you are having a lovely time there. Why ruin it with the drudgery & pressure of everday day life & responsibilities? This A is at the beginning stage, and I suggest that you enjoy every moment of this fun time. Not say that it will change, but you don't know what lies ahead. I don't think you are nuts. Take what amount of happiness you can find, albeit very carefully and discreetly for all concerned. Many people on here would trounce on me for that, but it is my opinion and I am entitled to it. We all deserve a bit of happiness when/where we can find it without hurting others. Can't emphasize discretion enough especially since you are apparently colleagues.

[lday]

always someone elses fault for the choices made:rolleyes:

 

Yes, I used to think that too. Life in black and white. Now my favourite shade is grey

 

By the way the husband admited it is his fault. That was how bad it was. Surreal kind of marriage we have now really.

[lday]

I won't answer the rest but the first one about money.

Honey, I'm the one with the money.

 

why not?

 

 

 

 

sorry, I have to ask why not. must be money.

 

 

 

 

 

well he must not love his family too much to be robbing them of time to sleep with some other woman.

 

when you cheat on your spouse, you cheat your children.

 

 

 

 

since you are cheating on your own family, it would be rather silly to advise you to stop enabling your MM's cake eating. you say that as if he is the only one doing wrong and you are just along for the ride.

 

 

 

 

don't you feel that your spouses deserve to be happy too? You don't think it is fair to afford them the same that you are getting for yourself?

 

His wife, and your husband deserve to be free so they can find someone that truly loves them and someone that won't do to them what you are.

[lday]

Heather, yes I am quite relieved to read someone else doesn't want the MM to leave either. Seems like most do. I'm just afraid I'll be like that, natural progression kind of thing.

 

Yes I guess I am trying to see what's ahead and if I/we can handle it without making a big horror of a mess ie drama from family.

 

I've never wanted more either, never has really crossed my mind.

 

Other things came up though, despite that. Are you trying to see what's down the road for you? I think it just depends on if you both can handle this. When one can't, it's a rollercoaster.

[phillyfan]

Been lurking for a long while and finally got the courage to write my story.

 

I'm married for 20 years with no children and have always felt strongly that if I want anything to do with an affair, I'll have to end my marriage first. How idealistic.

 

MM is married for 6 years and has one child, a daughter. I'm not going into details but in his culture, marriage is not for love.

 

He is also younger than me by a few years. I know I look at least a decade younger than my age. We look good together

 

Before MM, I've quite a few other men ,married and single, trying to date me but I was not interested because I am a MW right? Then I met MM and for the first time in 20 years, I fell and felt for another man.

 

Obviously MM must have been attracted to me but it was an instant connection for us both. And over the months during our times together (not dates, our work has us meet up a few times a week) we got to know each other so well. Finally after 6 months of incredible tension, both emotional and sexual I suppose, we went on our first 'date' and that was it.

 

I do not want him to leave his wife and child. I cannot leave my marriage presently either. Please don't ask me why but as we all know, all of us have to stay in our marriages for a variety of reasons.

 

I've been reading and reading and I see that most OWs live for the day their MM decides to leave his family. I don't. I love mine too much to see him lose his family.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop enabling cake-eating or that I'll want more one day. Right now I know I am just happy being able to spend time with him and both of us are gloriously happy when we are together.

 

Dude, the thing is, do wateva u want, but be really honest with urselves. Your happyness = free to you, but someone pays - the person payin is ur partners, n ur kids pay the highest price if thy find out, ull mess thm up foreva.

[whichwayisup]

mixed with guilt towards his family though. Quite excruciating. I never thought in my life I'll be like this, my family if they knew would be shocked. I am the last person in the clan they'd figure will ever embark on an affair.

 

Just be prepared to own your part in cheating and betraying your family, cheating on your H. One day you could be caught and facing the fallout of your choices. You could lose everything. Just hope what you're doing is worth it.

[lday]

I'm afraid I've fallen....

 

My M is what I've known most of my life. If MM were not married or has no child, I'd give up the M for MM without a thought.

 

I do not think I'm intelligent but thank you. I am just horribly and terribly lost.

 

My M will stay, the husband knows about MM's existence but nothing else.

 

lday,

 

You like your M the way it is and your fear is that MM is going to mess things up for you. Wow. That is a unique problem on this forum.

 

You seem like an intelligent and mature woman who is able to balance her needs for intimacy with her other needs. Since MM provides only intimacy and your M provides pretty much everything else, you will probably need to let MM go. The question for you is what is worth more, intimacy or stability in your M? Don't wait to fall for him...

[lday]

I understand completely. I take full responsibility for the choice I've made. I'm not proud of myself at all.

 

I hope I can just handle this A well without letting MM's family know and hurt. I am a selfish person, my own happiness is what I care for at the moment but after so many years, to feel even an iota of happiness suddenly makes life worth living again.

 

As for my family, they will understand why I've done what i've done but they will be disgusted with me for sure. I sure hope MM is worth it.

 

Just be prepared to own your part in cheating and betraying your family, cheating on your H. One day you could be caught and facing the fallout of your choices. You could lose everything. Just hope what you're doing is worth it.

Edited March 7, 2011 by lday