Logik Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I think the only way to be happy post divorce is to meet somebody new. I see it all the time. The only happy divorced people are the ones with a SO. It obviously takes away all the pain and helps you let go and forgive the WAS. Pity I'm not interested in being with another woman again, so I guess it's unhappiness and bitterness forever. Thoughts?
2sunny Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 from my own experience - the only way to be truly happy - is to learn how to be happy on my own... IF someone is with me - it's just a bonus. i've now learned that i can be happy with or without another person in my life. i would never willingly hand someone that much power over my daily happiness level again. good balance helps...
proactivedreamer Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Well...maybe you still need time to heal from the relationship. I think you have to work on forgiving yourself, and keep a positive attitude about relationships. I know it is easy to become disheartened if we are not careful to be mindful of how painful things, such as divorce can effect our perspective. I'd say don't give up. I am right there with you, although, I never have been married, but I know it is easy to become cynical if you have been severely hurt by a failed relationship. Just take this time for yourself, and you will be able to get out there again.
Author Logik Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Well, it's coming up to 2 years now and I thought I was doing well but I'm obviously not. Still bitter, still angry and still hate life. I'm tired of it now. And I'll never trust anybody ever again. I guess I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place.
BlindRage Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Well, it's coming up to 2 years now and I thought I was doing well but I'm obviously not. Still bitter, still angry and still hate life. I'm tired of it now. And I'll never trust anybody ever again. I guess I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. I'm there with you its been already 7 months and it feels like the first day. I don't even go out anymore because I want to cry if I do. I think that in two years I'll still be the same, if misery like company.. just know I'm right there with you buddy.
willowthewisp Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Well, it's coming up to 2 years now and I thought I was doing well but I'm obviously not. Still bitter, still angry and still hate life. I'm tired of it now. And I'll never trust anybody ever again. I guess I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. It's been two years tomorrow for me and I thought I was doing OK, this last few weeks have been tough, probably because the two year mark was coming up and exams, but a friend informed me this weekend that in her opinion I have not moved forward. Personally I think that's a bit harsh, I have achieved a lot since he left and I have recently dated and want to find someone. I agree with your OP, I do think when you have been married or in a long term relationship like marriage (as in my case), you can't be completely content until you meet someone else. Whilst I don't think you need someone new to take away the pain I do think when you are used to having a companion, a marriage, to suddenly not have one, to go back to the state of before, but having had it, is not possible. Does that make sense? I discussed this with my IC a few weeks back, whilst I am not willing to just be with anyone and ended the dating of two guys I have been out with since before Christmas, I do want to find someone. I think what I am trying to say (not very well) is that once you have been married and you have the memory of that, to go back to being single and to be completely happy is not possible. As for trusting, I've been there, but you have to remember that not everyone is your ex, not everyone will treat you like she did. As for forgiveness, well, has she asked for it? Forgiveness must be asked for, it requires repentance, not remorse, but admitting that you did wrong and telling the person so. It's not the same as being sorry, we all do things that we should not have, repentance is saying "I did you wrong, please forgive me". You do not need to give your ex forgiveness in order to move on. To try and do so without that acknowledgement of wrong doing is impossible in my opinion and understandably so. I know others will disagree with me, just my opinion.
trippi1432 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I would say that trust is one of the hardest things to get back to....but more so when the heart gets involved again with someone else. I do agree though, the next person doesn't have to be like your ex, they should be better. I can agree with your point Willow that going back to single is the hard part...especially when you haven't been single in a very long time. The hardest part is finding the right person to want to spend that time with...today's dating world is like a mad-house with men collecting women and women collecting men...it's not a place anyone would want to be, and a place I've chosen to stay away from for the most part. And on meeting someone else...well, that's a challenge in itself as well as you may have to go through a few "someone else's" before you find content. It takes a while to really get to know someone to know if that brings contentment. Sometimes we have to find content in ourselves before we can be completely content with someone else.
Author Logik Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 As always, thanks for the replies. They really help me see myself from different angles.
marqueemoon4 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Well, it's coming up to 2 years now and I thought I was doing well but I'm obviously not. Still bitter, still angry and still hate life. I'm tired of it now. And I'll never trust anybody ever again. I guess I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. man, i'm not even divorced yet and I feel the same way. this whole thing has changed me forever, and I'm not so sure in a good way.
trippi1432 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I think that this is a good affirmation for the day. http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904
You Go Girl Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Your post a couple years ago. "Only you can make you happy. You don't need him to make you happy. He needs others to make him happy and when one isn't making him happy any more, he just casually moves onto the next one. That's absolutely ridiculous. You're with someone because you WANT to be, not because you NEED to be. And if it is a NEED, then it's wrong. Be happy inside yourself for you first, then your relationships will be better for it. Come on. You need to start working on yourself and not carry on thinking about the past. That's all it is, is the past. Yes, it shapes the future, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Think to the future, just like the Wallabies are doing with their young team. It's not going to turn around in one season (sorry if you don't follow rugby, but it's a pretty good analogy). Love YOURSELF first." Last edited by Logik; 29th September 2009
Author Logik Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Your post a couple years ago. "Only you can make you happy. You don't need him to make you happy. He needs others to make him happy and when one isn't making him happy any more, he just casually moves onto the next one. That's absolutely ridiculous. You're with someone because you WANT to be, not because you NEED to be. And if it is a NEED, then it's wrong. Be happy inside yourself for you first, then your relationships will be better for it. Come on. You need to start working on yourself and not carry on thinking about the past. That's all it is, is the past. Yes, it shapes the future, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Think to the future, just like the Wallabies are doing with their young team. It's not going to turn around in one season (sorry if you don't follow rugby, but it's a pretty good analogy). Love YOURSELF first." Last edited by Logik; 29th September 2009 Thanks for the reminder. I still do believe this but I'm trapped. Maybe it's because I haven't let go. I keep blaming her instead of moving on I guess. Most of the time I'm ok. It's just the times I have to see her or when the kids mention the other guy who's been around the whole time. It's actually when I found out about OM. The ex takes the kids on a week-long holiday. I didn't even know about any OM. I found out about him from my son who, after the holiday, called me by his name by accident. She doesn't tell me that he exists and I have to find out this way? On holiday with my children? Really? I confronted her about it and she said that she saw nothing wrong with it because she was just going on holiday with a "friend". I was obviously born yesterday in her mind. Then he's at my son's birthday party and she doesn't even introduce me to him. She just ignores the fact that he's there. WTF? They spend time at his house on the weekends etc. and she doesn't even let me know. She obviously sees the kids as hers and I have nothing to do with them. She'll take the child support every month, gladly. She just does what she wants and ignores me. Keeps me in the dark. It's like she has no conscience. Or maybe she's scared at what my reaction would be. She obviously thinks that if she ignores it, it'll go away. I suppose I backslid after that.
You Go Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) I should be honest. I quoted your post about being happy with yourself, alone, as the way to live first, before finding somebody else. Yeah, we all say it. How many actually believe what they say? I don't. I think your title is right. We find happiness again when we find it with somebody, not alone. Those who think they've found happiness alone have simply shut their emotional needs for intimacy off, and if they were honest with themselves they would admit they're miserable a lot. That's just me. Others swear by being happy alone is the way to go. Well good for them, really! I'll never be able to feel that way. Maybe you won't either. So forget her! She's gone! It's been how long? Too long. Find somebody new. Start seeking your emotional/intellectual equal like no tomorrow. Search high and low, and find her--somebody worthy. You have nothing to lose. You've done the requisite alone time. You've suffered enough. And for gawd's sake--stop equating your self-esteem with that she's no longer around. Some have moved on, and some are still pining. She's in the moved on category, or she's very very twisted. And quit the obsessing over her. Don't dwell anymore. She's history, and live is survival. That includes emotional survival. A need for intimacy. Go find the new woman who is waiting for and looking for you! Throw your trust apprehension out the window except for obvious red flags. So you nearly drowned once, you still love to swim, right? Get back in the ocean. Those that don't sit and sigh on the sidelines, protecting their scrubby little piece of beach, watching those that are having the time of their life. Edited March 8, 2011 by You Go Girl
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