amythan Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 (edited) Hi - I do not why I feel so screwed up but lately I put myself into situations which are clearly unhealthy .. And I was not this person in the past. I am in my late thirties and looking from outside I have a great life. I am highly educated, have a very well paid job in finance and lots of real friends who love me unconditionally. I am pretty and funny and the kind of person who is popular. I have lots of hobbies and interests and I am a very independent person. I have lived in different countries and traveled all around the world. BUT something seems to be wrong with me. I lived together with my ex bf for nine years and we split due to the fact I do not want kids. I guess this made us grew apart and eventually felt out of love. It was very sad but we never had an argument and we are still best friends and support each other. I questioned myself many times about why I could not be fulfilled with him, if I am expecting something unrealistic from a relationship and if finally i am letting go someone who is exceptional and loves me dearly to pursuit an impossible thing. After this break up I decided to look for another job in a different country and start over. Which is difficult and stressful but I am ready and excited about this project. The worst bit is ... I have been in a casual relationship with someone who finally told me he has a live-in gf. We do not live in the same country so we travel all around Europe to see each other. I guess he was going through a rough time and I helped him to be back on track. We felt in love, he moved on with his live and started to pull away. And I have to admit I freaked out. We talked and he said that as I had expectations this was not fair for me and we should stop sleeping together but he wanted to keep me in his life. We are still friends but I cannot understand why he is still so important to me. I feel that if I was not trying so hard to be friends he would just not care. Maybe I am unfair because he always says he loves me and so on .. but he never calls me or tries to make plans .. And due to our past I do not treat him as a real friend, I mean it is not a natural interaction. I am always scared he thinks I have a hidden agenda or something like that. I am not in love with him anymore but I am really attracted to him, every time we see each other we finish kissing and holding hands. But I can feel what we had is gone and it still hurts me. I feel rejected and sometimes I miss him around and I miss sleep with him very much Sometimes I think I should just disappear and never look back. I feel I am really f*cked up ... Edited March 6, 2011 by amythan
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