MrsJaneDoe Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I have a thread in Infidelity...the consensus is that I am in an EA, although I don't feel like I really am. A flirtation within a friendship that has gone too far, yes, but an A? There is no commitment from him to me or me to him whatsoever. And I do not believe things will get physical. I'm really just curious, not so much caring about labels, but at what point does the realization hit that you are the OW and yes, are in an A? Because it certainly hasn't happened to me, which reinforces my feeling that I'm really not in a true A.
spice4life Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I have a thread in Infidelity...the consensus is that I am in an EA, although I don't feel like I really am. A flirtation within a friendship that has gone too far, yes, but an A? There is no commitment from him to me or me to him whatsoever. And I do not believe things will get physical. I'm really just curious, not so much caring about labels, but at what point does the realization hit that you are the OW and yes, are in an A? Because it certainly hasn't happened to me, which reinforces my feeling that I'm really not in a true A. Hi. Describe a flirtation that has too far. Do you have conversations with this man that you keep secret from your husband? An emotional affair means that you have a connection that betrays the emotional boundaries of your marriage or commmitted relationship. It means you say and do things that you don't disclose to your husband\SO..things that really should be done with your husband.
woinlove Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I have a thread in Infidelity...the consensus is that I am in an EA, although I don't feel like I really am. A flirtation within a friendship that has gone too far, yes, but an A? There is no commitment from him to me or me to him whatsoever. And I do not believe things will get physical. I'm really just curious, not so much caring about labels, but at what point does the realization hit that you are the OW and yes, are in an A? Because it certainly hasn't happened to me, which reinforces my feeling that I'm really not in a true A. I don't think anyone can answer this question sufficiently except the two of you and the spouse who would be betrayed if it was an A. Who is married? You, the man, both of you? Whoever it is, they should just talk to their spouse about their feelings, the flirtation, the words and actions, and between them and their spouse, they will sort it out.
woinlove Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 MrsJD, I see from your other thread that you are married and already know your H would object to some of your interactions. So you already know the answer. I'd suggest embracing that answer. It may feel a bit better temporarily telling yourself that you are not in an A, even though you know you are doing, saying and encouraging things behind your H's back with another man, things you know your H would object to. But, you are the master of your own life and I think it is always better to acknowledge that, to acknowledge reality, and make sure you are steering your own life in the direction you actually want to go.
trinity1 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Perhaps you are in the beginning stages of an affair. If you continue down this road, you will become the married other woman. Perhaps you do not feel so much that you are the other woman because you are married. In that sense you are not as vulnerable, at least not yet, as the single other woman. You always have your marriage to fall back on.
BB07 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 IMO, if you are hiding any of the interactions from your husband and/or you are questioning yourself about those interactions it is a EA. A EA can be a slippery slope and EA often times lead to a PA. FYI........until I came here I didn't know the definition of a EA.
tami-chan Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 IMO, if you are hiding any of the interactions from your husband and/or you are questioning yourself about those interactions it is a EA. A EA can be a slippery slope and EA often times lead to a PA. FYI........until I came here I didn't know the definition of a EA. I agree with this. I truly did not know that the years of "friendship" that I had with my xMM(now divorced and with me:love:) was considered an EA until I came to LS. So yes, I believe it IS a gray area and is a slippery slope. I think you should think about why you need to have a friendship like this and why you can't be open about this with your husband. If you are honest with yourself you will find that it is probably because you know it is not acceptable behavior. Good luck.
OWoman Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 If there's chemistry & you're fantasizing.... what if one person isn't, but they don't know if they other person is?
OWoman Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 FYI........until I came here I didn't know the definition of a EA. I'd never heard of such a thing either, and figured it must be something Oprah invented . I was accused of having an EA with a close friend of mine, by his thenGF, who found our (completely platonic) R very threatening. He would discuss his concerns about the R with me, so I guess that would be threatening to her, but he was my friend, and friends do discuss stuff like that and try to advise and act in each others' best interests. I wouldn't know how someone else would define it, and where the boundary would lie. I imagine it varies from couple to couple and situation to situation. I know, for myself, that I would not do anything I considered disloyal to my H - but what that may include or exclude for me may well not be the same as for someone else.
BB07 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 is there a definition of the elements of an EA? Here you go.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 You wouldn't have the type of conversations you have with your coworker infront of your husband. You wouldn't openly flirt and have sexy talk infront of your H. I wouldn't say you're the OW, but you are having an inappropriate friendship with your co worker. You have feelings for him and there's chemistry between you two, which has been acknowledged and talked about it between you two. Even though it's been said neither of you would actually do something about it, it's still an elephant in the room. All I can say is, how would you feel if your H had that type of closeness with another woman?
woinlove Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 All I can say is, how would you feel if your H had that type of closeness with another woman? This is a valid question, which tries to get one to consider the feelings of their spouse. I think the OP answered it in the other thread - she would not like it if her H did this. However, I think there is another important question, which is how much do you value what you share with your H? You discussed your feelings for each other with MM and decided not to pursue a physical relationship (not counting things like phone sex) because of how you each feel about your friendship with each other and about your marriages. Seems you do not want to jeopardize either. That is exactly the type of conversation that some spouses have with each other. How they feel about each other, how much their marriage means to them, whether feelings for another interferes with that or risks any of that. Your H is in the dark about what you think risks your marriage and what doesn't. This means some foundation of your M may already be crumbling under the distance that secrecy creates. While you may think you have this all under control, provided physical intimacy is controlled, you may be swept up with feelings of lust, infatuation, budding love, attraction, excitement, newness of experience,... and may be putting your M in a lot more risk than you can currently see. If you told your H, he would likely have quite a different take on how much you are risking. If your M is dead, then the risk to you is not large, except that you might look back and feel that you could have handled it better, with more kindness and respect to your H. If your M is still alive, I think you need to take a hard look and see if you really feel you have the perspective to make a judgement call on the risk you are taking for both yourself and your H.
bentnotbroken Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 The same consensus here. You are in an EA whether you admit to it or not.
BB07 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I went and read your other thread and after reading it here are my thoughts. You are in a full blown EA which if not stopped will become physical soon in spite of your "friend" saying he wouldn't go there. It's a set up of sorts, because you both are lying to yourselves. It's easier that way because you don't have as much to feel guilty about if you tell yourself you won't go there. One day........something is going to happen and one of you is going to go for it. All that tension, that passion that has been building up is going to explode and then you'll be saying "I couldn't help it". The thing is........don't lie to yourself or don't deny the truth that is right in front of you. With the truth you should also grasp what you are risking and also you need to acknowledge how much hurt and pain affairs leave in their wake. If you are going to keep this EA going, don't stick your head into the sand about what WILL happen sooner or later.
spice4life Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Okay, I read your thread in the Infidelity Forum and yep, you are in an EA. You've already crossed the line and this guy is totally game for an affair with you. He will keep the pressure on, subtly at first, and work to break you down until you give in. The more you have friendly conversation (even if it's innocent), but maintain that you don't want an affair, the more this guy is going to try to pursue one with you. That's how MM work. It's the thrill of the chase and the more you resist, the more he will pursue. It's already too late, he has you marked. The only way out of this is to stop all communication with him that is not strictly business, ignore and be cold to him and possibly tell your husband. This may be the wake up call your marriage needs to make things more exciting. Telling your husband will certainly do that. But don't fool yourself, if you continue "friendly" conversations, no matter how innocent they seem, you are headed down a the path to an affair. If that's not what you want then refer to the bolded statement above. This guy's actions are showing that he is totally game! Read through the stories here to see what is waiting for you down the road. It's not pretty.
Emme Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Any form of converstion or contact that you would not do in the presence of your significant other or there significant other.
Woggle Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Maybe you are not in a full bown affair but the seeds are certainly being planted. Look at most affairs and this is how it starts.
Calif_hope Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) MrsJaneDoe I followed your other thread; your posts pain me deeply. How do you know when you’re an OW? Wrong question Mrs. JaneDoe, the question should be “When do you know when you’re a BS (Betraying Spouse)? Your question shows to me that you position yourself with him and not your husband, you are the OM’s “other women” in relation to the marriage with HIS WIFE, not the relationship your have (as weak as it is) with your husband. I had hope you when you admitted “flashes of clarity” and guilt, and stated “and I know I am in denial the rest of the time”. I was relieved and surprised at my emotion that you could see past the EA fog. Then you followed with a posting that almost brought me to tears: “I don’t want to give up a friend because he is a man” (Do you want to risk giving up a husband because you can’t give up a male friend who you crossed a line with?) “I want to be friends with this man” (How about being a good and honest wife) “We have many interactions that are completely suitable and could occur right in front of our spouses” (Should it be that ALL interactions be suitable in front of your spouse’s?) “I really do not think things will escalate” (SHOULDN’T YOU BE CERTAIN – 100% CERTAIN) Then later you posted: “There is no commitment from him to me or me to him” (Since when did “Commitment” become a requirement to betray your spouse – doesn’t take “Commitment” to get physical with your OM – lust, selfishness, shallowness, dishonesty but not commitment.) “And I do not believe things will get physical” (An opened ended statement, why didn’t you post I KNOW THINGS WILL NOT GET PHYSICAL” MrsJaneDoe, you haven’t gotten the point that most of us here are trying very hard to get you to understand. Please remember most of us on this forum have been through this, seen it, done it, and hopefully survived it, some of us with our marriages intact. “I’m really not in a true A” MrsJaneDoe the experts have broken down AFFAIRS into two basic categories – Emotional Affairs and Physical Affairs, I assume when you say “True Affair” you mean the physical type. Have to let you know that research has shown that Emotional Affairs are as damaging to a marriage as a physical affair, sometimes more so. You are not exception to the rule, no one is. MrsJaneDoe, you are changing your marital landscape because of your lack of boundaries, with the OM. You are in an EA, think about it, this OM will be part of your marriage forever or as long as it lasts. A quote from a Dr. Neumann: Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. "We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage," says Neumann. "And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both." For GOD sake and the sake of your marriage - please wake up and quit rationalizing your EA....is you friendship worth damaging your relationship with your husband. I imangine it has already had a negative effect. So very sad. Edited March 8, 2011 by Calif_hope Typo
Calif_hope Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 PS: I bet you and the OM are the talk of your office, is that a good thing for your professional life! Others always notice!
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