devilmaycare Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I have been married for 3 years, together for 7 plus. Last year was the most difficult year of my life, and H and I went through a lot together. The problem is (remains) that his coping mechanisms including drinking and smoking pot, whereas I have adapted to getting more exercise, eating right, and taking care of myself. I am not judgmental about smoking pot or drinking, but either of these activities to excess bother me. H's addictive personality really concerns me. We are both seeking counseling, but due to work circumstances and the economy, are working in 2 different states and see each other about once a month. We have done some couples counseling, but it is not feasible to set up regular appointments due to our work schedules. H has other issues (anxiety, depression) that he is addressing through counseling, but will take a long time to work out. I am struggling with fatigue and grief, and tired of being a caretaker. When H is around, I feel I must either constantly reassure him or "nag" him about drinking too much. In the meantime, it is difficult to turn to him as he needs so much help. All this in the wake of my mother's death, which was a rapid diagnosis and decline, completely blindsiding me. This event, in particular, bringing to light that despite me being in my darkest hour, H relies on me for comfort and solace, and seems to require more help in adapting than I do. I am exhausted. Has anyone out there experienced anything similar?
giotto Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 No personal experience, although in the past I have self-medicated myself. Drinking in excess and smoking pot can easily be the cause of his depression and anxiety... they seem to help at first, but it's a slippery slope, I'm afraid. It's a difficult vicious circle to break.
Author devilmaycare Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks for the reply...@ giotto, you stated you "used to" rely on pot and liquor...what helped you stop? Are you better now, or have other activities replaced your habits?
NamNam Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Hey devilmaycare, There seems to be a lot of concerns there. Condolescences to you with regards to your mum, out of the blue and blindsiding you, that's some tough **** right there. What to do with your H? Although you may need the support, it sounds like your H needs it more since his drinking and smoking is getting out of hand. Unfortunately it sounds you have to take turns of being the rock in this relationship for now. Really there's no way out of this sorry to say. You just have to be supportive and get to root issue with him and his habits. Is counselling assisting at all? Hopefully things will turn around, but you will have to put a stop to his ways if it's getting to you. If your H has any brains and love for you then he'll understand and will try. Patience is key here though....
Author devilmaycare Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 TY Nam. Unfortunately, I have been "the rock" since the beginning. It is getting very tiring, particularly in light of my recent circumstances. I often think I have the energy or strength to continue. Counseling IS helping, and I know the road will be long, whatever the outcome. I can take comfort in the fact we are both caring for ourselves right now, and when we are able to see each other next, individually we will be stronger, and that may help us be stronger as a unit.
NamNam Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Well good luck to you, it sounds like there is progress and you're slowly approaching it. Stay strong !
giotto Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks for the reply...@ giotto, you stated you "used to" rely on pot and liquor...what helped you stop? Are you better now, or have other activities replaced your habits? I never smoked pot, apart from the odd joint when I was younger... I did enjoy drowning my sorrows in alcohol, though... it was an escape thing (from my marriage), but then I "grew up", mentally, and, although I still enjoy a glass of wine or two, I don't rely on alcohol anymore. What's changed? Introspection, self-analysis, growing up as a man, generally. And I'm much better. I've been off anti-depressants for ages and I feel great. I still like socialising... I suppose going out a couple of evening a week keeps me sane. My dog helps too... And I adore my children. I think your husband is depressed, but drinking and smoking pot will make him even more depressed. He should really reduce his intake dramatically or stop. It's a difficult thing to do, because he is unhappy and so drinks and smokes and he gets even more depressed and unhappy...
denise_xo Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 H relies on me for comfort and solace, and seems to require more help in adapting than I do. I am exhausted. Has anyone out there experienced anything similar? My situation is very different to yours, but I identify with what you're writing here and having to always be the one that is 'strong'. I don't mind that 90 per cent of the time, but I wish I could just have someone be my rock now and then. But I have just learned to find that kind of support with friends rather than from my partner. However, in terms of being your partner's 'rock' I think it's really up to you to play the ball back in his court. That's what I've been trying to do over the past couple of years. We choose how much we take on, and I'm now choosing to take on less and being a bit more discriminate with regard to what kind of support I provide and in what ways, if that makes sense. There's a fine line between providing constructive support and facilitating someone's insecurity/depression/whatever. Try to figure out where that line goes.
Author devilmaycare Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Yes, Denise, that absolutely makes sense. At times I have made that decision. During those certain times, though, I feel I have been perceived as "selfish"...putting my needs before his, when in fact...those NEEDS are paying the bills, etc... It is a tough balance. Right now my female friends are my strongest cohorts and yes, we LEAN on each other, A lot. But part of me feels what was the point of getting married if my H could not be that person? We don't have any kids yet, and we may never, because I already feel as though I am a single parent to a 30+ year old boy. And yes, I DO know I choose to take on what I do...and at this point I am just caring for myself. He knows I have no time/energy/money left over for him. But he will just rely on his parents if not on me. Eventually he will learn but I hate to think about what that lesson will cost him.
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