StevieJanowski Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 (edited) Hello to you all. This is my 1st post on here or any relationship forum for that matter...and I'll apologize in advance if any of it is cliche or too in depth. I have been dating my GF for 4 years(I am 28 now and she is 26). We have lived together for nearly that entire duration...almost immediately with her spending the night frequently from pretty much the beginning. I was the one who had to ask for "break nights" sometimes...although I didn't refer to them to her as that. Just that I wanted a night to myself. Needless to say it eventually developed to us 100% legit living together(my first time doing so with a girl). During the ENTIRE course of our relationship....I have had extremely strong sexual and sometimes even emotional feelings towards other women. I know that it is a natural feeling for any man in a similar circumstance...but these feelings have always acted as a barrier for me to give my 100% all to my relationship with my GF. There has never been a time in our relationship where I was totally content with not being able to go after other women. Never. It is through no fault of my girl either. She has never been ANYTHING but loving, supportive and helpful to me. I have never had a girl love me as unconditionally as she does. Not even close. We have broken up twice in 4 years. The first time being by me after about 6 months. I simply said that I was not ready to be settled down. It was a huge, horrible emotional ordeal for both of us. I was devastated telling her this....more so than I ever have been breaking up with another girl. As I said...after a week I gave in to her and we gave it another try. The second time actually happened recently(about a year ago). She broke up with me...finally getting fed up with my inconsistent behavior. By inconsistent I mean sometimes loving and other times distant and hard to communicate with. I pleaded with her to come back and she did. While I was asking her to reconsider...a small part of me thought about how she may have been right...but I still pleaded anyway. In the past 2 years I have met and developed feelings for someone I work with. Mutual feeling on her part too. Nothing physical has happened. But we both have talked a great deal(on the phone and at work), and acknowledged how we feel. I must admit that from a pure physical attraction standpoint I have NEVER felt as strongly about my GF as I do for my co-worker. I am not trying to replace my GF either. I do not look at my co-worker as the reason to break up. In fact....I would not want to be in another committed relationship for a good while if I became single. Not to sound cocky...but I would have ALOT of missed opportunities to make up for. Including a phone number I got as recently as 2 nights ago(I am a bartender). After reading all of this... I know one will think "all this guy is doing is talking about why he wants out of his relationship". Well.....as much as I have always tried to talk myself into breaking up...I can't do it. The thought of hurting her literally sickens me. So does the thought of not seeing her...or losing touch and randomly running into her sometime later with another guy. I hate thinking about it....and I know it is irrational with all of the other things I talked about. My GF and I have not been communicating well for a long time. Plus our sex life has been going downhill(once in the past month). I just cannot bring myself to break up with her. I know it's not supposed to be easy but I feel like I have a mental block that I have not identified with all of this. So I guess what I am asking all of you is....have you ever been in a relationship where you were scared ****less to break up, only to look back in retrospect and know it was the right decision? Or....have you ever ended a relationship when the sex life was fading and other temptations were looming...only to look back and really regret it? Sorry for the length...and if you read all of it thank you. Edited March 6, 2011 by StevieJanowski
tinaatinaa1 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 .have you ever ended a relationship when the sex life was fading and other temptations were looming...only to look back and really regret it? hell yes I regret a few of my breakups mostly when they turn into someone else,
D78 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Hey Stevie, It sounds like you know you should break up with your girlfriend because you can't give her 100%. I understand you don't want to hurt her, and that's very kind of you. My boyfriend was afraid to break up with me. He stayed with me longer than he should have. For months he lied when I asked him what was wrong, and I would believe him when he said 'nothing.' It's from that standpoint that I say please please break up with her as soon as you can. Dragging this on only makes things worse. Here are some reasons why: 1. You're not being honest with her (not judging - just assuming she is unaware of your views on monogamy), and it really hurts to find out someone you trust has been lying to you. Therefore, the less time you keep this up, the less it will hurt her. 2. You're not being fair to yourself. Seriously - life's too short. Why are you in a relationship when you could never be satisfied with the idea of only being with your girlfriend? Let your freak flag fly. Be yourself. You will eventually regret it if you don't. 3. You're not being fair to your girlfriend. As if being dumped is not enough of a punch to the stomach, she will get the bonus of asking herself why she didn't figure it out earlier, and not trusting her judgment of other people. 4. You leaving is not going to be the end of the world for your girlfriend. Based on your description of her, she is a great girl and will be able to find someone who is able to give her 100%, or be single, or whatever she wants to do. 5. If you keep delaying the inevitable, you will keep all of your thoughts and feelings bottled up. Sooner or later they will come out. Keep delaying long enough, and you could find yourself doing really screwed up things to your girlfriend (such as trying to make her miserable so she will dump you). 6. You're being selfish. You should take some time to consider how she feels, rather than focusing on your fear of hurting her. I could go on and on with this list. I'm sorry if I sound harsh - I don't think you're a bad guy, and I'm not trying to criticize you. I just think both you and your girlfriend deserve better. If you continue to lie, the scarier it will be to break up with her, and the more you will hurt her. It will help you and her if you have a script for the break up speech. Try not to freak out and say all manner of crazy ****. A line like "I know you think I'm an a**!@#$, but if I continued to be with you and not give you 100%, I'd be even more of an a**!@#$" might not hurt. You should probably re-word it I included the links below because they will lead you to less biased information than I have. Good luck! http://lovesagame.com/category/breaking-up/ http://artofmanliness.com/2008/12/16/how-to-break-up/
Recommended Posts