wheretofromhere Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I will make this as short as possible. First off, hello to everyone, have been reading threads for a while and have gotten a good idea that there is a lot of good folks here. so hello and here we go.... married for 6 years this coming april. gave up so much to move to my DH's home. i was strongly committed to the marriage and my DH's business for over 4 years and barley ever received a thank you and very little appreciation. have tried to talk to him, he is far from a communicator, have told him i wasn't happy that i needed more love, affection and attention from him. He is a workaholic and an alcoholic. His work is his life. I am his 4th wife. found out the end of January 2011 that he has been texting another woman, then started calling her and they have been talking off and on since. Can't be sure if they have ever hooked up. I said a long prayer yesterday asking God to give me a sign and if he talks to her this weekend then I was filing for divorce. Well checked things out this morning and he talked to her last night. I am out of town and he is home alone. Lawyer said he can have papers filed on him next friday. I need thought provoking questions, I am not one for drama. I can confront him, but not sure i can do it to where I would not buckle to his power. of course there is more that goes along with the story, but here is the basics.
tojaz Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I will make this as short as possible. First off, hello to everyone, have been reading threads for a while and have gotten a good idea that there is a lot of good folks here. so hello and here we go.... married for 6 years this coming april. gave up so much to move to my DH's home. i was strongly committed to the marriage and my DH's business for over 4 years and barley ever received a thank you and very little appreciation. have tried to talk to him, he is far from a communicator, have told him i wasn't happy that i needed more love, affection and attention from him. He is a workaholic and an alcoholic. His work is his life. I am his 4th wife. found out the end of January 2011 that he has been texting another woman, then started calling her and they have been talking off and on since. Can't be sure if they have ever hooked up. I said a long prayer yesterday asking God to give me a sign and if he talks to her this weekend then I was filing for divorce. Well checked things out this morning and he talked to her last night. I am out of town and he is home alone. Lawyer said he can have papers filed on him next friday. I need thought provoking questions, I am not one for drama. I can confront him, but not sure i can do it to where I would not buckle to his power. of course there is more that goes along with the story, but here is the basics. What was his response to your pleas? Have you confronted him over the OW yet and he still continues contact or just checking up on him without his knowledge and basing your decision on that? Basics are good, but the truth is in the details my dear, these are affairs of the heart after all. TOJAZ
Author wheretofromhere Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 What was his response to your pleas? Have you confronted him over the OW yet and he still continues contact or just checking up on him without his knowledge and basing your decision on that? Basics are good, but the truth is in the details my dear, these are affairs of the heart after all. TOJAZ my lawyer does not want me to confront him about the OW. My lawyer wants the element of surprise. This is where i get so confused. If i confront him and he tells me a lie, i will believe him, that is just the way I am. I have not led on to knowing about this OW. When I have pleaded to him to talk to me, for us to try and work things out, he has nothing to say. He is work oriented and does not know what marriage is all about. I feel like I am filler for him. completing the puzzle.
tojaz Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 my lawyer does not want me to confront him about the OW. My lawyer wants the element of surprise. This is where i get so confused. If i confront him and he tells me a lie, i will believe him, that is just the way I am. I have not led on to knowing about this OW. When I have pleaded to him to talk to me, for us to try and work things out, he has nothing to say. He is work oriented and does not know what marriage is all about. I feel like I am filler for him. completing the puzzle. Your lawyer is not at all concerned with your marriage hes concerned with ending it in a way that is profitable, quick and easy. What outcome are you looking for? Are you done looking for support, or are you considering reconciliation and need advice toward that end? Trying to move in both directions at the same time is a sure way to stay exactly where you are. TOJAZ
Author wheretofromhere Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Your lawyer is not at all concerned with your marriage hes concerned with ending it in a way that is profitable, quick and easy. What outcome are you looking for? Are you done looking for support, or are you considering reconciliation and need advice toward that end? Trying to move in both directions at the same time is a sure way to stay exactly where you are. TOJAZ That is me in a nut shell. Not knowing which way to go. I have been so very unhappy with this man for years, but have been looking for an "excuse" to end and go on and save my pride. I have family telling me that i need to get something for all the work i have done for him, the fact that i gave up so much to move down there with him and how hard i worked the farm with him. i just got another confirmation that he contacted this woman tonight and may even be seeing her. I wont know until the morning. I want to nail his ass to the wall in one breath and the other breath I want him to know I know and I can just walk away without a fight. Because I know him, after three ex wives, there is going to be a fight. I am not strong enough to take this on. My family says I am.
tojaz Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 That is me in a nut shell. Not knowing which way to go. I have been so very unhappy with this man for years, but have been looking for an "excuse" to end and go on and save my pride. I have family telling me that i need to get something for all the work i have done for him, the fact that i gave up so much to move down there with him and how hard i worked the farm with him. i just got another confirmation that he contacted this woman tonight and may even be seeing her. I wont know until the morning. I want to nail his ass to the wall in one breath and the other breath I want him to know I know and I can just walk away without a fight. Because I know him, after three ex wives, there is going to be a fight. I am not strong enough to take this on. My family says I am. You are strong enough, everyone thinks they are not at the outset, and you have every right to an equitable settlement if that is the path you choose. You do have to make a choice though, and things tend to get harder the longer they go on. If your just waiting for him to dig himself deep enough for you to justify leaving, then you have already made a choice, and from the sound of it he has already done plenty to justify your feelings, hes done a lot of damage and from the sound of it, for quite some time. If you are thinking about trying to repair though, you have to lay your cards on the table and let him know with out question how you feel, what you know and what you need from him, then it is all in his hands and at least you will know you did all you could. Your lawyer may not be happy with you, but I doubt the element of surprise will make that much difference in the outcome. (philandering is philandering after all) If nothing else withhold the facts and give him suspicion. At least you won't have to wonder "what if" later down the road. TOJAZ
Author wheretofromhere Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 You are strong enough, everyone thinks they are not at the outset, and you have every right to an equitable settlement if that is the path you choose. You do have to make a choice though, and things tend to get harder the longer they go on. If your just waiting for him to dig himself deep enough for you to justify leaving, then you have already made a choice, and from the sound of it he has already done plenty to justify your feelings, hes done a lot of damage and from the sound of it, for quite some time. If you are thinking about trying to repair though, you have to lay your cards on the table and let him know with out question how you feel, what you know and what you need from him, then it is all in his hands and at least you will know you did all you could. Your lawyer may not be happy with you, but I doubt the element of surprise will make that much difference in the outcome. (philandering is philandering after all) If nothing else withhold the facts and give him suspicion. At least you won't have to wonder "what if" later down the road. TOJAZ tojaz, i have no idea who you are, but you seem to hit the nail on the head. thank you for being here for me. i know what my gut and head are telling me to do and my heart is finding it's way. i worry so much about the other family members that will be affected by my disclosure. but all in all i have to worry most about my well being. my family knows all that is going on. his family just bows down to him and does whatever he wants. but, part of his family is very important to me and i really hate hurting them. again another but, his mother has lived with a man just like him (his father) and deep down i know she will understand.
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