To the LS ladies - Are these red flags for you?

[scott123]

I just recently got dumped from a 2 year relationship. Basically my ex had a lot of flaws that I saw through but she couldn't see through mine and she said she didn't feel the same for me kind of out of the blue.

 

These were her reasons:

- I hurt her because I didn't text her first or call her first enough. This was only brought to my attention toward the end of the relationship. I do admit I didn't do these things but I did initiate asking her to hang out a lot and more than she did so it isn't like I was a distant guy who didn't give her any attention, I just had a different way of showing it.

 

- She got herself in a bit of trouble a few times when she went out of town so I wasn't as supportive of her going away as she wanted me to be. For instance, she got picked to attend a conference and I said great job and that I knew she'd get picked and she kind of got mad because I didn't jump up and down for joy and wasn't as enthusiastic about it as she wanted me to be. This is because she is a party girl and parties when she's away a lot and she makes it seem like she goes away to party more than for the actual conference itself. This combined with her being a little shady when she goes away on trips in terms of not contacting me very often made me not be as supportive as I could have been, however I never did ask her not to go or anything.

 

Anyway other than those two things I treated her well, she knew she was the only girl I was interested in and I never made her jealous or feel below anybody else. Gave her everything she wanted and often told me I was the best she had ever had. I genuinely did care about her and made sure I didn't screw it up or take her for granted. Didn't give her any reasons not to trust me.

 

Anyway she had a lot of flaws and did a lot worse to me than I did to her but I always forgave her for it or saw through it eventually.

 

I just want to know from the LS ladies here if they would have dumped me for the above reasons. I was supportive in terms of her school work and was always there emotionally for her which was hard sometimes because she is very emotional and cries often over a lot of things, but I was always a shoulder to lean on.

 

Honest answers please, I am just trying to better myself in the long run. I'm only 22 by the way.

[USMCHokie]

It sounds like you kinda got played a little...just shake it off and move on. Don't settle. You'll be better for it.

[lemonlegs]

Well, obviously this is your perspective and YOUR side of the story. She told you this, and you have a counter argument to back yourself up. She obviously didn't see it that way if both of those were serious enough that she felt the need to break up with you.

 

Everyone's situation is different. If I genuinely felt that my boyfriend never initiated contact with me, then yes, I would be mad. And I would also feel mad if I genuinely thought that he wasn't happy for me for all that I accomplished, etc. Not to say that's how things went down, but as I said, that's how she saw it in her mind. Whether or not that's the truth, well it doesn't really matter because what's done is done.

 

All's you can do is explain your side of the story without getting defensive and if that's not good enough, the just think of those 'flaws' of hers that clearly bothered you (despite the fact that you overlooked them) move on.

 

Sorry about the breakup, dude.

[scott123]

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I've been played but I'm not sure because I also see her side and the fact that maybe she doesn't see things the way I do.

 

I should have added that I did initiate texts, but she's more talking about good night's and who initiates first thing in the morning. We would talk often, I was just used to her texting me first thing when I woke up. I didn't think that meant I didn't appreciate her but like you said there's two sides to every story and two viewpoints. Thanks.

[Imajerk17]

She's banging another dude and trying to rationalize her guilt away.

 

Go ahead and read some of the posts of the female LS regulars. They're taking way more crap than that and are still hopelessly devoted to their boyfriends.

 

Something shady is up.

[scott123]

As much as I hope that's not true I know it could be. I also think of that fact often, that many girls put up with a lot more than what she did. But hey, she's attractive and she knows it and she frequently told me she deserves the best of the best. She told me she already got asked out 4 times since we broke up, and she has an outrageous sex drive so I guess anything is possible. Thanks.

 

Feel free to criticize me too or ask more about my side of things. My ego can take a little beating, I just want to improve.

[USMCHokie]

She's banging another dude and trying to rationalize her guilt away.

 

This is what I was trying to say without actually saying it.

[snug.bunny]

Hearing her POV from your perspective, the items you listed do not sound like major disappointments enough to warrant breaking up a two year relationship.

 

Her wanting you to jump up and down over things, that is a bit much on her part. You made an effort to be with her in person, that to me is more important than "who texts who first". Sadly, she didn't view it that way, and it could either be her age or other issues that were going on with regard to your relationship where for whatever reason, she did not feel valued enough by you.

 

It all boils down to expectations within the relationship and both individuals expectations will vary and at times conflict. Sometimes though (as in this case) the conflict is just to great to overcome in order to sustain the relationship.

 

Sorry to hear it didn't work out.

[NoMagicBullet]

Not texting first in the morning and not being enthustiastic enough about her success? Those sound like lame excuses to me. Maybe she was with another guy or guys. Maybe she just didn't feel the way she thought she should if she was going to stay with you. Maybe she expected you to dump her sooner for her chronic bad behavior and had to tell you something to end it. Whatever the real reason, it doesn't seem like she can articulate it. Or if those really are important things to her and worth breaking up over, you can certainly do much, much better than her.

[alethean]

I wouldn't break up a 2 year relationship for those small reasons...but then, there are always two sides to a story. She may have other reasons she is not stating that may or may not have anything to do with you.

[daphne]

If these are really the reasons she's breaking up, there's something else at play. Either she has taken you for granted and thinks the grass is greener, or she may have met someone else and is taking you for granted. Either way, there's not much you can do about it but move on.

 

Whether these reasons "warrant" a breakup or not, doens't matter because they just sound like excuses. It seems like she wants to see what's out there. She may learn that there are guys who aren't as loving or caring, and she may find someone who is. If you are a really good guy though, it'll probably be a while before she gets another one.

 

You're very young. Don't let this break your stride. There'll be a girl who is mature enough to know what she has. It may just take a little time to find her.

[tami-chan]

Sorry about the break-up. But those things you mentioned are not dealbreakers....more like, excuses.

 

I think you dodged a bullet...you will thank your lucky stars in the future!

[Banker Chick]

I hurt her because I didn't text her first or call her first enough. This was only brought to my attention toward the end of the relationship. I do admit I didn't do these things but I did initiate asking her to hang out a lot and more than she did so it isn't like I was a distant guy who didn't give her any attention, I just had a different way of showing it.

My bf and I have discussed this very thing, although there's a little more too it than just the texting/calling first. He's very laid back so isn't always concerned about what he thinks are little things and feels his love for me should show in other ways. I was honest that I got to the point where I hated feeling like I was always the one initiating texts/calls and that he wasn't interested in what was going on with me. He felt I should just tell him stuff instead of expecting him to ask. We had a nice talk and realized we just have different communication styles. He did make more of an effort to intiate the conversations more and it's helped immensely & I've tried to be a little calmer about it. Another aspect of this is we live an hour and 1/2 apart so those "touches" are even more important since our face to face interaction is very limited right now.

 

It's unfortunate she didn't mention this earlier in the relationship ... or did she give you little signals and hints that you just disregarded? Either way, if she didn't have any other complaints other than that, I'd say she's reaching for a good reason to make herself feel better.

[scott123]

Thanks people for the quick replies, I appreciate them all.

 

I have a feeling she might think the grass is greener just because of the way she makes herself sound sometimes. She will often tell me how a million guys would have loved to have been in my shoes, how lucky I was to have her, and how I should be using all my effort to "win" her back. and this doesn't really make me sound or feel all that special. But her standards are very high and her parents have commented on this before and also all of her close friends.

 

However even after that sometimes she will say she could fill up a book listing all the good qualities about me and how great of a guy I am, and attractive in every which way and that I am "good enough" for her but she wants me to fight for it which is difficult. When she told me she didn't feel the same about me anymore I lost all my will to fight as I have been in this position with her before, fought for her, and "won" her back and it takes an emotional toll on me.

 

and snug bunny : yes she would expect a big reaction out of me everytime, and analyze my reaction. If it wasn't good enough, she would often get mad at me. I often felt sometimes like I had to try to over-exaggerate my reactions just to please her.

 

Banker chick: it's nice to hear from someone who's been in that same position. We actually met and talked about this and agreed that our communication styles were also different. The only difference with me is that I would often ask about her life. If she had a big test I would make sure I wished good luck and made sure I initiated after it was over and asked how it went. In a lot of ways I was her best friend and helped her through a lot with school and being emotionally there for her. She seemed to understand when we talked about this but then the next day she went back to saying it was an issue again, even after I had tried to force myself to text "hi" to her every morning I woke up. Another difference is that we live in the same town and goto the same college. It's a small college so we could easily see each other lots.

 

I admit I am laid back in some ways. Like I would expect us to have plans together on the weekends, but I would constantly find myself fighting with her friends for time with her. If I asked on a Wednesday what we were doing on Friday or Saturday she would tell me I didn't ask her early enough and that she had other plans. So maybe part of the reason I was laid back with texting was because in a lot of ways she made me feel unwanted so I wanted her to come to me sometimes. Guess it was just too dysfunctional?

 

Anyway, thanks guys for the replies. She has caused me a lot of hurt since we have broken up in many ways. Mostly because the reasons she gave me sucked and because she seems to have met every guy in our town since we broke up and has been extremely flirty and aggressive in trying to meet new guys while I am just trying to heal. I know from her past that she can't be happy just being single and needs someone to fill that void for her right away whether it be sexually or emotionally. I am trying to heal but she is causing me great nightmares for now. Another reason why it hurts so much is because she kept reminding me how much the things I listed above hurt her and how much grief I caused her because of it. I think if I had cheated on her I would get the same reaction that she gave me when we broke up. The amount of times she has says that I hurt her because of that makes it sound like I cheated on her or something or did something big. Hearing her say that and watching her cry her eyes out over it is haunting me to the point that I may need to see a therapist if I can't get through this on my own.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words and to the people who give me hope for the future.

Edited March 6, 2011 by scott123

[Imajerk17]

Tell her that a relationship is a two-way street. She was just as lucky to be with you.

 

She needs to lose her Princess Mentality. Do NOT lose your self-respect by trying to put up with that.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Leeway Harris]

This is because she is a party girl and parties when she's away a lot and she makes it seem like she goes away to party more than for the actual conference itself. This combined with her being a little shady when she goes away on trips in terms of not contacting me very often made me not be as supportive as I could have been, however I never did ask her not to go or anything.

 

...she frequently told me she deserves the best of the best. She told me she already got asked out 4 times since we broke up, and she has an outrageous sex drive so I guess anything is possible. Thanks.

 

She will often tell me how a million guys would have loved to have been in my shoes, how lucky I was to have her, and how I should be using all my effort to "win" her back. and this doesn't really make me sound or feel all that special. But her standards are very high and her parents have commented on this before and also all of her close friends...

 

...she seems to have met every guy in our town since we broke up and has been extremely flirty and aggressive in trying to meet new guys while I am just trying to heal. I know from her past that she can't be happy just being single and needs someone to fill that void for her right away whether it be sexually or emotionally.

 

It's too bad you let this one get away, because she really sounds like excellent relationship material.

 

Dude, I think it won't be long before you see that you dodged a major bullet here. Get some rest, eat some ice cream or whatever, and focus on healing yourself up for now. It won't last forever.

[Ruby Slippers]

People with that picky, princess mentality are usually pulling that act because they are afraid. They fear they will not get enough love/attention just for being their normal selves, so they demand more attention by dramatizing/catastrophizing their behavior.

 

They're kind of impossible to deal with, because the love and attention you give them will soothe their ego temporarily. But the fears always flare up again soon enough, and the cycle starts over.

 

(I have a friend like this. She is fun, sweet, beautiful, and all-around awesome, but she's a major princess control freak who will never give a decent guy a chance. I don't indulge her princess behavior one bit.)

 

Until the person gets to the root of the fears and insecurities, which is almost always a feeling of inadequacy and not accepting themselves as they are, they won't escape the prison of their mind, and they'll pull others into the web of negativity, since misery loves company.

 

It's probably a good thing the relationship ended.

[Cee]

Part of the break up process is making sense of the justification the dumper gives. She decided to go the route of blaming everything on you. And basically saying you hurt her so badly that she had to break up with.

 

Don't buy into her reality. She is "crazy making." Look instead at the things she did to let you down and disappoint you. Question why she needs to drink so much on "business" trips. Look at subtle cues in her behavior that indicated the break had been coming for a while.

 

P.S. She seems to have an inflated ego with these conferences. Anybody who can write an abstract can get into a conference. Not that big a deal. Had she said she was going to be published, that would've been celebration time.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with Cee.

[Jesper]

It sounds like the real reason she dumped you is she doesn't respect you. Possibly also some maturity issues and personality differences.

 

I just recently got dumped from a 2 year relationship. Basically my ex had a lot of flaws that I saw through but she couldn't see through mine and she said she didn't feel the same for me kind of out of the blue.

 

These were her reasons:

- I hurt her because I didn't text her first or call her first enough. This was only brought to my attention toward the end of the relationship. I do admit I didn't do these things but I did initiate asking her to hang out a lot and more than she did so it isn't like I was a distant guy who didn't give her any attention, I just had a different way of showing it.

 

- She got herself in a bit of trouble a few times when she went out of town so I wasn't as supportive of her going away as she wanted me to be. For instance, she got picked to attend a conference and I said great job and that I knew she'd get picked and she kind of got mad because I didn't jump up and down for joy and wasn't as enthusiastic about it as she wanted me to be. This is because she is a party girl and parties when she's away a lot and she makes it seem like she goes away to party more than for the actual conference itself. This combined with her being a little shady when she goes away on trips in terms of not contacting me very often made me not be as supportive as I could have been, however I never did ask her not to go or anything.

 

Anyway other than those two things I treated her well, she knew she was the only girl I was interested in and I never made her jealous or feel below anybody else. Gave her everything she wanted and often told me I was the best she had ever had. I genuinely did care about her and made sure I didn't screw it up or take her for granted. Didn't give her any reasons not to trust me.

 

Anyway she had a lot of flaws and did a lot worse to me than I did to her but I always forgave her for it or saw through it eventually.

 

I just want to know from the LS ladies here if they would have dumped me for the above reasons. I was supportive in terms of her school work and was always there emotionally for her which was hard sometimes because she is very emotional and cries often over a lot of things, but I was always a shoulder to lean on.

 

Honest answers please, I am just trying to better myself in the long run. I'm only 22 by the way.

[scott123]

Well guys I have some more news.

 

I didn't mention this before but when we broke up she didn't cancel our relationship status on Facebook, she used privacy settings to hide it from everyone but she didn' cancel it. So, me and her could still see we were "in a relationship".

 

I cancelled it today because I did not want to keep kidding myself and clicking on her profile, she's been out partying and moving on and I have been having a hard time.

 

Well... when I did this she called me bawling saying I hurt her and then her mother started texting me calling me an ******* and saying I never did love her and all this crap.

 

I am at an extreme low point right now. I would not tell LS I cared for her if I didn't. I am a quiet guy who is extremely sensitive and to hear a 21 year olds mother get after me like this is crazy. My self esteem is gone. Her mom sent me 20 pages of texts telling me how I don't show I love her daughter and all this crap. The other day my ex was texting me getting angry at me saying I should be busting my balls to win her back because a million guys would want to be me and be with her. I responded saying I'm not worthless and I have got asked out a few times lately but have declined them. Stupid me I had even tried to get her back for 4 or 5 weeks but it was still not a "good enough effort" from her view. She must have told her mother this because her mother texted me saying I am heartless and cold, but she does not know all the abuse I took from her daughter. I let her daughter walk all over me and now they are attacking me like no tomorrow. You can refer to my thread in "breaking up" if you want to hear more about the abuse I have taken from her in terms of how little she valued a relationship with me yet I still tried so hard for her but her and her stubborn family can't see it.

 

I don't know what to do. I am not fully innocent but I have not called her names or put her down. ALl i have done is try to defend myself when she has put me down. I guess I should have went complete NC and I have made a mistake in that. BUt if I did go NC I still feel like I would be taking this abuse from her and her parents because they would keep accusing me of not caring about their daughter.

 

help please I could not have ever pictured this happening to me. I did not harrass her at all I would tell you guys if I did. Since we have broke up I have not called her or showed up at her door or anything. She gets emotional and overreacts over little things and now I am feeling majorly depressed with her mother getting involved.

Edited March 7, 2011 by scott123

[Leeway Harris]

Umm... you are involved with some serious crazy, and it's apparently hereditary. If I were you, I would do whatever I could to extract myself from that situation.

[scott123]

I don't know what to do.... everyone thinks she is this little innocent girl and I'm worried about people coming after me. Guys have threatened me before that if I hurt her they would kill me. I am worried about her dad or something trying to find me.. I don't know. I just can't explain how frustrated and hurt I am to be constantly accused of not caring and to have her cry over stuff that isn't even hurtful.

 

 

 

 

.....oh did I mention after all this she sends me txts saying she wants me back?

 

wht a joke

Edited March 7, 2011 by scott123

[Ruby Slippers]

What you do is cut this crazy woman and her crazy mother out of your life and move on.

[scott123]

Thanks everyone. and I did not disregard all the posts in this thread before mine, I did read them all. I was just shocked to hear from her mom over something so small. But the posts make sense to me and let me look at things differently. I am glad to be reassured that she is not relationship material. I am also glad to be reassured that she expected way too much effort on my behalf compared to what she gave me. I could go on and on forever about the stories I have, but they are not needed now, they are the past. Thanks for the support as this has been a rough time for me but the support on here and in real life will get me through.

 

Thanks

Edited March 7, 2011 by scott123