AlexDP Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 This is a long story, please bare with me. My ex and I met in August. We started going out and it looked like we really loved each other. We started struggling in November/December, but the first serious break up occurred in January. Before this we would tend to go NC for a day or two and then get back together. This time however it lasted for three weeks. Late January we got back together and things looked better than ever. We showered each other with love, she told me she needed me and didn't want me to leave ever. Things started deteriorating soon though. The big problem was I hadn't told my parents about her. I only wanted to tell them if this could develop into a serious relationship, without us bickering the entire time. She thought I didn't tell them because they wouldn't accept her. This is why she wanted to remain 'just friends'. I respected that opinion. We still texted all the time though. The 8th of February I went out with a female friend. Just a friend. But Jolien (my ex) went insane. She immediately shut off all communication. I tried relentlessly to get her to tell me what was wrong and I told her I loved her. She didn't believe me. Even told her mom that she thought I had only been in the relation because of the sex. It got to a point where she told me that if I would contact her again she would call the cops. After this she spent a week sick in bed. Her mom told me Jolien looked and felt horrible. However she went out the following weekend and hooked up with someone. She's still with him today. It has been three weeks. In the meanwhile she has totally shut me out of her life and she's told me she thinks I'm a creep. I texted her a final time yesterday, telling her that I wanted to have her in my life and that I loved her. Her new boyfriend texted me back saying that she was happy with him now and that I had to leave her alone. What do you guys make of this? Is it truly over? Is she on the rebound? Is she just angry because she doesn't believe I truly loved her? And what do I do now? Should I just get over her?
Saphira Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 well honestly i would say your first mistake was not telling your parents. you dont have to say anything serious like "oh mom this is the woman im going to marry" but all you have to say is this is my girlfriend. you cant wait too long because even if you thing something may be serious it could still end up in a break up. When you hide the truth from friends, FAMILY, or anyone for that matter, it makes a girl feel hidden from the world. like you dont want anyone to know about us. makes us feel really bad, and like you dont care for us. so that was your first mistake. Now if you both were on a break, or were broken up and you went out with your female friend then yes she is mad because she thought you too would probably get back together. and she felt betrayed. now dont get me wrong, when a relationship is ended or on a seperation you dont really have a right to get angry when your ex goes out with someone of the opposite sex, but we still feel hurt and angry. If she didnt let you explain then she probably thinks the girl was more then a friend. and that you moved on. Now she may be moving on, or getting with someone to get back at you. I am not her, so i cant answer that for you. I would say you should try and talk to her in person, but if she is in another relationship then its not your place at the moment. you have to let her do her own thing. i hope things end up the way you want. but you have to be willing to share her with your life (family). or else she is going to feel like your pushing her to the side and hiding her. and that is not a good feeling
Author AlexDP Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 You think there is something I can do to fix this? Or should I abandon all hope?
Saphira Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 well, i dont think you can do anything while she is seeing another man. I mean you can attempt to. apologize to her. and tell her how you feel. But if she has moved on to another relationship it may not change anything. But if you feel for her so, then you can always make the attempt
Author AlexDP Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 I did that already and I did so sincerely. She still doesn't want to talk, says she hates me and wants me out of her life for good. You reckon I should give her what she wants and disappear? The way I see it all that hate means she's not over me.
Saphira Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 well, i think right now what she wants and needs is space. jut tell her your will always be there for her if she need you. and leave it at that. give it some NC time and see if that changes anything. Like i said. she move on so quickly she could just be doing it to get back at you. so tell her your there for her, and then leave her alone and see what happens. i dont think there is much else you can do if she wont even talk to you at the moment.
Author AlexDP Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 True. It's probably best for my mental health as well. But my heart is shattered right now. The pain you feel when you realize that someone who said she loves with you all her heart hates you three weeks after saying that, right up to the point she will call the police to have you removed, is incredible.
Saphira Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 yeah, its a pretty big jump from love, pretty fast. but all you can do is give her and yourself some time to heal and get to a better place mentally. then maybe you both will be able to talk it out. but you have to do it one step at a time. unfortunately there baby steps :l
Author AlexDP Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 I guess it's better than indifference though..
Author AlexDP Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 I'm thinking of writing her a letter and posting it in a week. Anyone think this is a good idea? Or am I definitely out now she's seeing another man?
Saphira Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 well you can always write the letter if you want. If she is not speaking to you then she may not even read it. but you can always try
Author AlexDP Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 You think it would be better to move on? Somehow I think she has very strong feelings for me and is actually running away from them by blocking me and seeing a new guy...
Saphira Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 well it is up to you to move on or not. Im not the best person to give you advice on that. Im currently going through that myself. My ex broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. But we still love each other. He just needs to do some things on his own first or something. He texted me the other night saying all these things about missing me but still we cant be together or something. blah blah. So in my case im still holding on. so like i said i cant give you advice in that area. that is up to you. you can spend all this time waiting and she may never come back around. or she will. is she doesnt then you wasted alot of time, if she does then good for you. But only you can decide that. If you cant get through to her. Like i said. it wont hurt to try and write the letter. she will ither read it or she wont. if she does then she will ither contact you or appear as if she didnt get anything. if she doesnt read it, then well thats that on the note thing. there is only so much a person can do. Unfortunately you never know whats gunna happen
fresh8 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 She's already with someone and thinks your 'come-ons' are creepy. I think it's time to back off and move on? As hard as that would be...
Author AlexDP Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) She's already with someone and thinks your 'come-ons' are creepy. I think it's time to back off and move on? As hard as that would be... No, it's not about my come ons. She thinks I'm creepy because I didn't tell my parents about her and 'used' her. Also, I'm thinking of waiting a bit, then writing a letter and tell her that if she's up for it, I want to introduce her to my parents. I know I look weak in doing this, but I also know that I love this girl and that she loves me. Edited March 8, 2011 by AlexDP
Author AlexDP Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Something else I forgot to tell you guys: I also know for a fact that she hooked up with this guy a week after we had our big fight and had no real feelings for him before that. I don't know the guy, but the night we had our big fight she was saying how she was now "going to flirt with hundreds of guys". Which she obviously wouldn't have said if she was already interested in someone. She would also have known that it would be far more hurtful to hear her say she loved someone else.
Saphira Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 well like i said. You cant do much at this moment if she isnt even listening. but you can still try if you want to. did you write the letter?
Author AlexDP Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 well like i said. You cant do much at this moment if she isnt even listening. but you can still try if you want to. did you write the letter? I did. I sent it as well. I know I should have waited longer, but I couldn't, I wanted to give myself some closure for now and I know that I would have kept rewriting it. I wrote that I never lied when I said I loved her. I also told her I had told my parents everything about her and that if she would like to do so, she could meet them. I also said that I understood how she felt about me going to the movies with a female friend and that even though there's only a platonic relationship between us I could understand how it was not a smart move on my behalf. Last but not least I told her that all I ever wanted was for her to be happy and that if she thought that I wasn't the right person for her, I would leave it at that.
Saphira Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 that sounds great. Now she will ither read it or not. Its up to her. but at least you sent it. So you did tell your parents everything?
Author AlexDP Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 that sounds great. Now she will ither read it or not. Its up to her. but at least you sent it. So you did tell your parents everything? Yes. The problem is she has some trust issues. I reckon those come from previous boyfriends, because I have never cheated on her or lied to her. That's why I told her she could meet them (I would be in favour of this anyway if we would get back together). The thing is though.. it has been two weeks since I last saw her. I have attempted to make contact three times since and she hasn't responded to any of my attemps, except for having the new boyfriend tell me she was very happy with him and that she'd call the cops on me. I know this sounds as if she doesn't want to see me ever again, but I still think she only hooked up with this fellow out of spite and because she was angry with me. I don't think her feelings for me are gone.
Layzie89 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Don't let whatever her boyfriend texted you bring you down. Of course he's going to say that she's happy with him now, why wouldn't he say that. But he doesn't know for fact how she truly feels about you deep down, only she knows that. I'm not saying get your hopes up now, I'm just speaking from experience that 'boyfriend' texts don't really mean ****, it's how the girl feels in her heart that matters. You've reached out three times since the breakup and how have those gone for you? Not so well huh? Why don't you take the time to read other peoples threads and you'll discover this wonderful thing called NC. It won't help bring back your ex, as that's an outcome only she can make possible...but it will stop you from further damaging the already bruised/broken relationship you have right now. And to answer your initial question, rebound...in my opinion.
Saphira Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 well i think you better cool off for a little bit. how often are you trying to contact her? yo may becoming off a little stalkerish....ummm and maybe a little creepy. i would wait a little longer since you already sent her a letter and see if she responds. then take some time off. give her some space. shae may need it.
Author AlexDP Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 Thank you guys for your advice. In fact I already decided to go no contact after the letter. Not just to show her I'm a strong person, but also to show myself. I've always been very independent, but I've never been faced with actual love for someone before, so it sort of struck me by surprise. In any case, I do want to return to being the strong person I always was and I think NC might do that for me. The way I see it I've reached out three times and I've told her everything she needed to know. I apologised for what I did wrong and showed her I loved her. It's up to her now and I think that, perhaps in a week or three, she will reconnect.
Movingthrough Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Her new boyfriend texted me back saying that she was happy with him now and that I had to leave her alone. I dont know how old you are but when the "BF" texts back, thats like high school stuff, and you do not want to deal with that. Is she on the rebound? Oh hell yeah, she is doing all that to piss you off, but for someone to get so worked up over you hanging out with another girl....ahhhh..RED FLAG. I can understand maybe feeling weird by you doing that but come on, if you are a mature adult then it shouldnt be a problem. And to top it off, "Im mad you hung out with a girl, so im going to hook up with another guy." Really? Always easier said then done but you need to go NC, and not the im waiting to hear back NC, i dont want this in my life NC.
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