Dejin Posted March 30, 2004 Posted March 30, 2004 Alright, here is what went down: I broke up w/ my ex about a month ago. Things just werent working out. Before we broke up though, I was in a sort of transition. I'd say that we shouldn't be together, and I would go back to her because I loved her, then I'd feel like we werent working out (mostly because of my depression)... this happened about three times within three months. Now, she views this as "You used me for sex! You used me period! And you lied about our whole relationship!" Which, in my situation, could be viewed that way based on a few facts... but I told her to look at ALL the facts, not just a select few. The facts are - yes, I did go back-and-forth between us and we were sexually active. I was clinically depressed (still am, but working on it) and I felt like I couldn't make her happy, and me happy at the same time. I wasn't sure what I wanted back then, because of my depression. Now I know that I cannot be in a relationship and be mentally healthy, I need to concentrate on myself only. And (not lastly, there are much more, but I don't feel like typing others) that in the year that we were together I was completely committed, saying I wanted marriage and stuff, (I thought it was more of a joke thing, but it turns out she was completely serious) which now I know is a very big mistake to say at a beginning of a relationship. I told her that if I was indeed, "using" her that I would not be fighting so hard for this friendship of ours. (Note: FRIENDSHIP! I don't care about the sex, I want her as a friend because I care about her MORE than that!) I got her to admit that she was just being bitter because of how hurt she was/is, and I understand that she is going through tough times. My main fear is that she will act only off of emotion. She feels hurt and betrayed, which is understandable considering what happened. She might begin to hate me, to paint horrid pictures of who/what I am inside based on only emotions. She might run off and tell her new boyfriend (whoever that may be) what a horrible f*cking jerk/user I was... when in TRUTH our first year together was extremely special!! So I guess my question is... how do I keep this girl a friend? I know that the hurt she feels I most likely cannot comprehend, but through all of this how can I show her that I am NOT what she feels that I am?
kittykat Posted March 31, 2004 Posted March 31, 2004 Well you have gotten yourself into quite the pickle buddy!!!!! I would say that you really hurt her. Why would you break up with her at a time like that when she would be most valuable to you? To be there to support you especially after three years of being together. And NO you NEVER talk about marriage and family with a woman unless you mean it. I would say that you reacted to quickly here and maybe you should rethink what you've done because after being with you that long and you just dump her, I wouldn't want you as a friend either. You are not the only one in the world that has problems guy and leaving a relationship after three years cause you "Have problems" is not kool at all and I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. I might say that using her is a bit strong but she's entitled to her own feelings as you are. good luck..................from kittykat
Author Dejin Posted March 31, 2004 Author Posted March 31, 2004 Thanks for your reply. Our relationship was about one year and three months. Sorry for the confusion. I understand what I have done wrong, and you seem to be explaining it further. Yes, I know my mistakes. But you didn't really answer my questions: how can I keep her as a friend, and how can I show her I am not who she says I am? I already found the answer; which is communication. We are talking and things are going well. Hopefully, it stays that way. You are not the only one in the world that has problems guy and leaving a relationship after three years cause you "Have problems" is not kool at all Why would you break up with her at a time like that when she would be most valuable to you? You seem to under-estimate clinical depression. Let me explain how it works: it eats at you, day and night. It makes you feel worthless. Eventually, it makes you become numb to the world. It makes you think things that are completely messed up, irrational, and weird. At least, that is what my experience has been like. So yeah, I know I am better-off than some, but just the same I am worse-off than others. Well, I read over that and it seems stand-off-ish. I didn't mean to come off as rude or defensive, because in all honesty I only wanted to explain my situation further for less confusion. I hope you have a better idea now, but I guess it doesn't matter because my situation has improved. Thanks again for your reply.
jenica h. Posted April 1, 2004 Posted April 1, 2004 Dejin, I had a situation like yours, only a tad more complicated. I was the girl who felt used in my story, and the boy who broke my heart is now my boyfriend/fiancee (We're eventually getting married, but neither of us have the money for the ceremony, let alone the engagement ring! Since we're poor college students. And my boy only wants the best quality everything for me!) Now, my fiancee has clinical depression and I'm bipolar. Aren't we the dynamic duo? In the end, we worked everything through, but we had to take a break from each other. I needed to work on myself and he on himself. But before everything got better, it was a lot worse. We were back and forth for a very long time. I would constantly accuse him of using me purely for sex and nothing could convince me otherwise, until the day I voluntarily checked myself into the hospital. He went along with me, and he cried-- openly cried-- because it hurt him so badly to see me in that much pain. Everyday, he would call to check in on me for the fifteen minutes we were allotted to speak. That's what it took to convince me that he truly loved me. My suggestion for you is this... If you want her as a friend, you're going to have to deal with her harsh words, you're going to need to continually reason with her. In the end, you need to stick by her. Be there when she needs you the most. One day, she'll hopefully realize you weren't using her. I can't promise you when or even if she'll come to that conclusion. You sound like a good guy. I wish you all the best.
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