highviolet Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) I am a frequent lurker, first time poster. This is long, so bear with me, but this is my story thus far. I have been involved in I guess what you would call an EA, although it is somewhat unrequited. More about that later, but first some (read: a lot of) background info. I have been married for less than a year, we have been together for 5. We have two small children, 3 and 1 1/2. Our relationship has been rocky. When we dated, we had lots of fun, but I soon realized he was a bit controlling and very jealous and moody. When we got along it was great but it was the type of relationship where I found myself giving up friends and things I liked to do for him. If I tried to do anything else, he would get very angry and jealous and I would end up just hanging out with him. I moved in with him and I got pregnant. We decided to make a go at being a family. I felt I loved him and he was the kind of guy who wanted to take care of me. He didn't want me to work, even though I did. From there we have had many ups and downs, but I always tried to stand by him and make our family work. I followed his decisions on everything and tried to be a good SAHM. We have been through selling his business, moving across the country for an opportunity that didn't pan out, moving back, starting a new business that failed and left us with nothing and our savings depleted. He became addicted to painkillers which caused a lot of lying and deception and made our home life miserable. Meanwhile I gave birth to our second son. I was very alone and stressed while I was raising an infant and a toddler. Needless to say he did not help my with any childrearing or housework and often criticized how I did those things. As we were broke, he kept asking me to borrow money from my parents, usually thousands of dollars at a time. He is off drugs now,and we got married, mostly for my parents. We are now living with them as they could not afford to keep paying our rent and bills. We fight a lot still, ut not as much as we used to. He still drinks a lot. All the financial and emotional stress hastaken its toll on our relationship. He has changed a lot and is trying to be a better husband and dad. He now has a job and works long hours. I feel I have lost a lot of respect for him through all this. I blame him for the financial situation we are in. I don't think I love him anymore, but want him to be a part of our children's lives as long as he is trying to be a good dad. Now through all of this, an old flame of mine has contacted me and we have been emailing back and forth frequently since Christmas. I have vented my frustrations about my marriage to him and we have flirted back and forth. I have not told him exactly how I feel about him though. The truth is I am completely in love with him. He has always been "the one that got away." We have so much in common and I have never completely stopped thinking about him. I don't know how strongly he feels for me. He lives out of the country, and when the job is over that he is working on where he is, he is going to either move to another country or to a city a few hours from where I live. I think I have accepted that this EA may not ever become a real relationship, as I do not know how he feels about me or if it's even possible for us to persue a relationship. I think what the OM represents for me is the identity I feel I have lost in becoming a wife and mother. I feel trapped and lonely and unfullfilled as a SAHM. I do not have a life outside of motherhood I am unhappy with my husband. I think that I want to separate and I dream of doing things on my own the way I want to do them. I feel bad because I know H does not want to separate, that he wants to make things work for the kids. I know in a lot of ways I am not the wife he wanted, and he told me he has accepted that and still wants to e together and we need to "work with what we got." I feel like I have been accepting his faults for years now and I am over it and have lost too much love for him. I think if I cut off contact with OM, I can make things work with H, but I don't know that I want togb. I don't want to fake it and be unhappy for the rest of my life foor the sake of the kids. I dream of having an amicable divorce and remain friends with H and help each other raise the kids separeately but I don't think it is possible. I'm afraid H will be too angry and cause a lot of problems for me if I try to separate. I don't know what to do. I want to suggest a trial separation and see how I feel. Any advice or comments are appreciated, you are a saint if you made it this far Edited March 6, 2011 by highviolet Tried to edit, but it's still long. Sorry. If anyone has advice I'm all ears
Nutmeg617 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Hi there. I'm kind of a lurker myself, but I have also posted a couple of threads with my own story. Dig them up if you like. I felt compelled to respond to you because I understand the confusion you're feeling right now. I can relate to the unhappiness that you're feeling in your marriage and also the possibly one-sided EA with an old flame. I'm in the same boat, although our situations are not completely alike. I should listen to my own advice, but I think the EA's we are involved in are a symptom of our diseased marriages. We feel so alone that having contact with someone else (especially someone we have history with) feels like it's filling the void. I think it's prolonging our healing, though. I also have never stopped thinking about my old flame, and after 10 years of no contact I have no idea how to walk away now that we're back in touch. In my ideal (fantasy) world he and I would leave our respective relationships and grab our children and trot merrily off into the sunset and live "happily ever after". I know it's not real, but my heart won't let me believe my head. I do feel that if we were happy in our relationships with our husbands that these other people would not be the factor that they have become. The issues we are having with our husbands have made us susceptible to positive attention from other men. It just digs a deeper hole because these are men that we once had feelings for, and probably still do, but shouldn't. I'm struggling with figuring out if I even want to make my marriage work anymore, but I was struggling with that long before this EA started. So I truly don't feel that the EA brought out the disappointment I feel in my marriage, but it's becoming a road block on the path to decision. Ultimately I know what to do: cut off contact with the OM and separate from my husband. In my case I feel that only then will I find the clarity I need to decide what our future holds. I think perhaps it's the same deal for you, just different circumstances. But although I know this, knowing and doing are two different things. For me, IC is the next step. My H is already in IC, but he's not working on the marriage, just issues from his past that he's never dealt with. I think I need IC to get over the OM, gain the strength to decide what's best for me and my son, and take action instead of spinning my wheels. I want change so badly it hurts. I'm sure you do too. This is not a good place to be sitting, so just know you're not alone. I hope we both find what we're looking for.
Author highviolet Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Thanks Nutmeg for your response. It is a comfort to know I am not alone. I agree that IC would be good, though in our financial situation right now I don't think I could afford it. Like you, I feel like I need time to myself to figure out what I want; I wish I could just put everything on pause for a sec! Every day I tell myself I am going to talk to H today, tell him how I have been feeling... and then I chicken out when he walks in the door. It's really hard because he is really trying to be a better husband and he's working hard at his new job. But it all seems like, this is what I've been waiting for all this time, why did you make me suffer for so long before? Was it that hard to be better for your family? Isn't this what every husband should be doing without asking? And lately he's been giving me this guilt trip like he's doing all this hard work for me, and I don't appreciate it. Sorry I don't feel like he deserves a freakin' medal for it, lol. I too hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck and thanks again
robf1971 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I feel like I have been accepting his faults for years now and I am over it And I take it you are perfect?
Goldenspoon Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 If you continue this contact with this OM, you will soon rip your family apart and lose respect from your H, your children (when they grow up and know what was going on), and from yourself for being this selfish slut. I am just being honest and straight forward without dancing around and sugarcoating anything.
robf1971 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 but he's not working on the marriage, QUOTE] Lol and you are by talking to some slimy creep who just wants to get his leg over a married woman.
robf1971 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I dream of having an amicable divorce and remain friends with H Hmm, me thinks that you sliming around behind his back cheating on him isn't the best way of achieving that goal.
Author highviolet Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Hi trolls, my names highviolet, nice to meet you!
Author highviolet Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 If you continue this contact with this OM, you will soon rip your family apart and lose respect from your H, your children (when they grow up and know what was going on), and from yourself for being this selfish slut. I am just being honest and straight forward without dancing around and sugarcoating anything. I apreciate the honesty and straightforwardness, but I don't really see how the namecalling is appropriate. Aren't you cute?
Nutmeg617 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Holy crap, highviolet, aren't we being ripped to shreds?! It's interesting to see how quickly people can pass judgment without living in our shoes or taking one moment to view things from another perspective. Robwhateveryourscreennameis....if you would like to take a moment to read my very first thread that I posted on here about a year ago, as well as my most recent one in regards to a letter I wrote to my husband in 2009 I would entertain hearing more from you. You just may see how d@mn hard I have been working on this marriage for years with no reciprocated effort. I appreciate that others have been burned by their SO's, and that bitterness abounds, but please remember that each situation is different while your jumping to conclusions. Thanks for the input.
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Holy crap, highviolet, aren't we being ripped to shreds?! It's interesting to see how quickly people can pass judgment without living in our shoes or taking one moment to view things from another perspective. Robwhateveryourscreennameis....if you would like to take a moment to read my very first thread that I posted on here about a year ago, as well as my most recent one in regards to a letter I wrote to my husband in 2009 I would entertain hearing more from you. . Hi, No disrespect meant I promise, nothing wrong with a bit of lively debate!!
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 that bitterness abounds, I wouldn't have turned my marriage around If I was bitter. So maybe, just maybe I've got something to say thats worth listening to.
What_Next Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 highviolet you have to remember that posting a story like yours will garner all sorts of reaction, including negativity from those of us who have been through infedility. First and foremost this OM (yes he is a OM) is NOT your prince charming, he is NOT riding a white horse. He is willingly and purposely contributing to the destruction of a marriage. He is well aware you have children and he could care less what impact your actions (yes BOTH of your actions) will have on them. If (and that is a big IF) the marriage is as you claim it to be, then your husband is no prince himself, I'd hazard to say he's a bit of a tool (I'm being nice), but he DOES NOT deserve to be cheated on. If you truly want out of this marriage, then do so. Tell your OM to go away, tell him that you intend on figuring out how to end your marriage WITHOUT him inolved or clouding your mind.
uncool Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) i think you're already toast. You have a husband that craves you and you're out looking for another piece of meat. He needs to know you don't want to be his wife anymore so he can go out and find a real wife who loves him and appreciates how a husband can change & work his ass off for his family. Edited March 7, 2011 by uncool
jstobo Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I'm the husband of a wife who started an EA about 4 months ago and told me she is no longer in love with me. I'm not judging because I know my contributions to push her away. After 4 months of me doing everything I could to save my marriage, I finally gave up. I wasn't a prince the last for months. I was on an emotional roller coaster. One night I blew up so bad, she was scared I was going to hurt her. I never would, but I showed a side I had never shown before and of course that is something I regret and need to ask forgiveness for. My Wife is going through a little reality right now. She is a SAHM also and we have struggled financially as well. I'm OK with her working because its helping us get through this difficult financial period. It's good that you want to work, because guess what, if you divorce you will HAVE to work. Think about this as well. One day, like me, your husband will throw in the towel and believe the marriage is over. He'll tell a few friends and before you know it, he will be texting women. Probably a few women. One he may like. He'll meet women for coffee or drinks. Suddenly, YOU don't look so good anymore either. That's when reality will REALLY set in for you. You could say I'm having an EA now with a woman I like A LOT. We went to high school together. Never dated, but the connection is there. I have a date lined up with another woman that I'm attracted to. My stbx found this out over the weekend and has been crying non stop. I'm canceling the date, but I'm NOT stopping the EA with the high school friend. My Wife needs to prove to me that she wants to try and make the marriage work. If she does, I'm ALL IN. I don't want my kids going through a divorce. I would definitely talk to your husband about what is going on. Give him a chance. Put your foot down about getting your life back and going to work. He'll realize that is much better than you doing that anyway after you divorce him. Financial stress is VERY difficult for a man to deal with. When he can't provide for his family, he loses all respect for himself. He becomes incapable of providing the emotional support you need. If you were in love with him before, you can be in love with him again. I know you don't think it's possible right now, but it is. Cut the contact with the OM. You don't want your kids being raised by a man who gets involved with married women. And if he is married, he's even worse. If you divorce, there will be plenty of nice men to meet. As a man, I think VERY LOW of any man who would get involved with a married woman. VERY LOW!
robf1971 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 . My stbx found this out over the weekend and has been crying non stop. ! I just don't get it, why women are so quick to trash a man that loves them but can't handle it when that man meets someone new. It happened to me in my first marriage, I got the whole stupid ILBY speech and thrown out of my own home. About 8 months later I met someone else, when my STBXW at the time found out, she went over the high side, which had the effect of turning me off her even more.
heartshaped Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I feel I have lost a lot of respect for him through all this. I blame him for the financial situation we are in. I don't think I love him anymore, but want him to be a part of our children's lives as long as he is trying to be a good dad. If you don't have respect for a man that has turned his life around and works long and hard to take care of his family, then, I don't know who you will have respect for. You also do realize that it's not his job to take care of you, him, and the two children right? So why blame him for the financial situation you are in? Even if he did mismanage money or spend it unwisely on drugs or what have you, you could have very well spoken up and said no. It was your money too. Also, love, real love, is a choice. Now through all of this, an old flame of mine has contacted me and we have been emailing back and forth frequently since Christmas. I have vented my frustrations about my marriage to him and we have flirted back and forth. I have not told him exactly how I feel about him though. The truth is I am completely in love with him. He has always been "the one that got away." Don't be foolish. You aren't "in love" with him. You are infatuated with him. You are unhappy in your marriage and with your life and you've found an object to covet. It's not that unusual. It's just the whole grass is greener thing. If you had ended up with him in the same situation, you'd still be complaining. I think what the OM represents for me is the identity I feel I have lost in becoming a wife and mother. I feel trapped and lonely and unfullfilled as a SAHM. I do not have a life outside of motherhood This makes me wonder how much of this is unhappiness with your husband as this is unhappiness with yourself. You are not happy with your life which includes your husband, children, home, etc. This isn't so unusual for women who are SAHM either. Have you considered going back to work especially considering your financial status or at least, making some friends or getting some hobbies? You need a life outside of being a wife and a mother to be happy. I am unhappy with my husband. You are unhappy with your life in general. It's hard to say whether your husband is the source of your unhappiness or not. When a person is unhappy with their life they aren't usually happy with any aspect of it. You are infatuated with this other man because he represents something more than your life, a different life that you could have. Don't confuse fantasy with reality. I feel like I have been accepting his faults for years now and I am over it and have lost too much love for him. Was this your first long term relationship? You do realize right that everyone has faults and any relationship you are in you have to accept those faults and lifetime commitments last a lot longer than five years. Bottom line: Cut off communication with this other man, start working on making yourself happy, and your marriage. See above.
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) Hi trolls, my names highviolet, nice to meet you! We're not the trolls. We're actually speaking to her. Just leave your husband for good and leave him alone forever. He doesn't deserve this. Edited March 9, 2011 by WorldIsYours
Author highviolet Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Sorry it has taken so long for me to respond, I have had a busy couple of days with my family. I have talked to my husband about how I have been feeling and we are trying to work through things and have agreed to get counseling. Thank you for the thoughtful and not so thoughtful responses everyone. I know it's a lot of reading but I wish people would actually read through and get an idea of my situation before reacting. I am not screwing anyone else, or even in a relationship with anyone who is actively trying to court me or get me in bed or whatever. @heartshaped- Thank you for your thoughts, I realize a lot of the things you are saying. I know I am unhappy about a lot more than just my husband. That is a big reason why I want to be alone and figure out my life on my own. It is not all about this OM like you and others seem to think. He lives in another country and probably will not live anywhere near me. I have accepted that a relationship with him is probably not possible, even if I wanted it, or he did, which I don't even know. I do agree that I need to focus on fixing my life. I would love to go back to work, but childcare is very expensive, and I do not have a college degree and the type of jobs I could get without one wouldn't help our financial situation because of having increased child care costs. I would love to go back to school, but again, cost, child care, etc, comes into play. I get it, I do. I'm a smart cookie. I'm sorry that I vented to this board. I need to fix my situation because I am unhappy, becasue I am not going to continue being unhappy. Being miserable makes me a bad mom and, yes, a bad wife. I am going to go to counselling to figure out what I want to do. @rob- I don't know why women get so jealous when a man they dumped fnds someone new. I'm sure you would feel the same way, so I don't think it's just women. And your posts do reek of bitterness, just so you know. And mysogeny. Oh, and there is a difference between "lively debate" and trying to get a rise out of people; it's pretty obvious which category you fall into. @jstobo- thank you for your story. I am now talking to my husband about how I am feeling. He wants to make this marriage work, so we have agreed to work on it and see how things go. I don't want my kids to go through a divorce either. It breaks my heart. @What_next- thanks for assuming I'm lying about the state of my marriage. Very nice. And I understand there will be some negativity coming from others about my situation, and I can take it, but I didn't come here to be called names and otherwise sh*t upon. If you were involved in a relationship where you were cheated on, maybe just sharing your story and how it made you feel and what you wish could have happened to avoid it would be enough to make someone who is contemplating an A or actively in an A change their mind and turn things around. Some people on this board are doing that, and I honestly appreciate thier input. Some people are just being mean spirited and bitter.
What_Next Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Highviolet, I did not call you any names, nor is my post mean spirited. For the record no I was NOT in any relationship when my wife cheated on me. I was being a faithful husband when she did so. My point was to illustrate that your reality of your OM was not a true reality. Try not to take offense, but it is obvious that you cannot take criticism very well and on this board you'll often need a thick skin, something you do not have. I for one am delighted to read that you are going to take the moral high road and try and fix your marriage and not cheat. Here's hoping you succeed.
Woggle Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 In no way do I condone the way he used to treat you but the fact of the matter is that he can't change the past and you can either forgive it or not. An affair is not the answer and the OM is just a fantasy that would in no way be this way in reality. A man who would chase after a married woman is not a good catch. If you really do want this marriage to work realize that you both did wrong with his drug use and other things and your cheating and agree to wipe the slate clean from here on.
Author highviolet Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Highviolet, I did not call you any names, nor is my post mean spirited. For the record no I was NOT in any relationship when my wife cheated on me. I was being a faithful husband when she did so. My point was to illustrate that your reality of your OM was not a true reality. Try not to take offense, but it is obvious that you cannot take criticism very well and on this board you'll often need a thick skin, something you do not have. I for one am delighted to read that you are going to take the moral high road and try and fix your marriage and not cheat. Here's hoping you succeed. Oh no I didn't think yours was meanspirited, I was just referring to this statement you made previously "highviolet you have to remember that posting a story like yours will garner all sorts of reaction, including negativity from those of us who have been through infedility." I was talking about people that actually did call me names, not you. I really do not mind the constuctive criticism, as I have already stated. I don't really feel like I've displayed a thin skin, but oh well. Nowhere didI say anything about you cheating on your wife and being a bad husband, so I'm not sure where you're getting that.
What_Next Posted March 9, 2011 Posted March 9, 2011 Perhaps a mis-understanding then. Good luck on your journey.
heartshaped Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 @heartshaped- Thank you for your thoughts, I realize a lot of the things you are saying. I know I am unhappy about a lot more than just my husband. That is a big reason why I want to be alone and figure out my life on my own. It is not all about this OM like you and others seem to think. He lives in another country and probably will not live anywhere near me. I have accepted that a relationship with him is probably not possible, even if I wanted it, or he did, which I don't even know. I do agree that I need to focus on fixing my life. I would love to go back to work, but childcare is very expensive, and I do not have a college degree and the type of jobs I could get without one wouldn't help our financial situation because of having increased child care costs. I would love to go back to school, but again, cost, child care, etc, comes into play. I get it, I do. I'm a smart cookie. I'm sorry that I vented to this board. I need to fix my situation because I am unhappy, becasue I am not going to continue being unhappy. Being miserable makes me a bad mom and, yes, a bad wife. I am going to go to counselling to figure out what I want to do. I don't think it's all about the OM dear. I don't even think it's about him at all to be honest, but also, this friendship with him isn't helping you or your marriage. You have a responsibility as a wife and a mother to defend your marriage and these types of thoughts/feelings you are having for this other man is a direct threat to your marriage. Don't be naive. Affairs begin from these types of things if some wouldn't call what you have going on already an emotional affair. Also, I understand that going back to work or school might be too expensive right now, but have you looked into even just getting out of the house with the kids or even taking up some hobby something that could be yours and yours alone? I also stress the fact that even as a stay at home mom, you need alone time, and time with other adults. It will drive you crazy sitting in the house all day with just the kids.
Recommended Posts