jthorne Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 But you would think that if someone had walked a very, very, very long mile indeed... that they would be able to offer polite, thoughtful and insightful advice, without compromising their new principles. Rather than being insulting and curt. Maybe.Wow. Judgmental much? Very, very, very few people here know my real history. And that's fine with me. Who are you to decide how people should post or who is qualified?
desertIslandCactus Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Hmm, let's look at who the hypocritical one is. Would you have dated your now-H if you knew he was married? Obviously he didn't think you would or he wouldn't have LIED about his M status for over a year. A few months ago, you yourself did not advocate being an OW. There was a former uOW here who you refuted quite frequently. Now that you won your prize, your tune has changed to "follow your heart" on every post. So who's cookie-cutter now? If you want to talk about hypocritical, the fOW that says they are just here to "piss people off", yeah, that's hypocritical for sure. Throw in "make your own destiny" .
BenThereDunThat Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Uh, really cuz if you didn't realize, I just joined in February. So I really don't know where you are getting your information. And I don't think you even know the definition of hypocritical. You're using it wrong. Oh for the love of.... You don't really think that everyone doesn't know who you are. Really. When you do this you completely negate every point you ever tried to make.
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Very, very, very few people here know my real history. Agreed. And that's entirely your prerogative.
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Who gets to decide what is "curt" or "insulting"? what is curt or insulting to me, may not be to you. Doesn't it go back to treat others as you want to be treated? And once again, here we are with the whole "who can post where" or deciding how someone is allowed to post. I've not suggested anyone shouldn't be permitted to post here. Not sure what you're referring to.
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Silly Girl, you state in the above post that you don't see BB in the "gang" of others, yet then you state: So, which is it? There is obviously considered to be a number of these posters. I've seen the types of post and BB doesn't sit close to those, to my mind. But I have no list and I don't label. I take each post afresh and look at the content.
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 If 2 former OW say the exact same thing, but one has better writing skills or one is a newer poster who you don't know, or is someone who you don't particularily like, does that automatically mean their advice is not useful or not warranted? Firstly let me assert that I have never advised a newbie to disregard certain posts based on a so-called status. My responses in this thread are because I find the issues to be interesting and pertinent. I have no vested interest, as such, because I don't use the labels myself. Secondly it has NOTHING to do with writing skills and everything to do with attitude. There are posters who do not show any kindness or understanding (at times) and use insults. There will always be some like that. However, the controversy arises when an onlooker knows the poster has experienced something similar yet is apparently hypocritical in their attitude. When someone who is - for want of something more appropriate - "no better" because they've done the self-same things, it's INEVITABLE some will view it as hypocritical or preaching. I know you must understand this concept, intellectually, even if your opinion on the actual posts is not of the same viewpoint (i.e. You don't find it to be mean or insulting yourself). I am just truly trying to understand. I can guarantee you I would NEVER post on a newbie's thread "watch out for certain posters, they are not nice" or "don't listen to XYB, that is a betrayed spouse and has an ax to grind" or words to this affect. I don't do that. But I have often understood why others have felt the need to do so. Like I have said, I do not refer to myself as a reformed anything - and would appreciate not being labeled by others. You may not like my views, my opinions or how I chose to write things, but that doesn't give you (general you) a right to throw a demeaning or belittling label at me. The label is irrelevant really. The point is that sometimes, for a board intended to - amongst other things - offer SUPPORT to those who find themselves in an affair, some newbies who are in pain are met with a great deal of hostility. Other posters see that and attempt to reassure the OP that this is not how everyone feels, but maybe is the way a person with that experience may feel. I've not seen anyone post "oh ignore poster such-and-such, because she's [insert reason here]".
tami-chan Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Tami, if it makes you feel good to insult posters and belittle them, continue to do so. You seem to know me enough to call me a reformed OW, yet you have no idea of "my story". Fooled, I do not know you at all and I did not call you a "reformed OW". Although, in the truest sense why would you not be proud to be one? At any rate, you ask who are these rOWs, I told you to go back and re-read you posts, if you recognize yourself as one then you are one, if not then you are not. You took issue of that. Seems like a personal problem to me. You seem to want to label me, yet you also imply I am not interesting enough (and it seems like from what you posted, there aren't many stories here that are interesting enough....). Does that make you feel good about yourself? LOL...you are funny . I did not want to "label" you(nor did I label you), you asked, I responded. I guess I could have ignored you. Jeeez, I should have known . Oh, and I did not say YOU are not interesting ( I actually do not know that-jesus christ, I do not know you!). I said there are very few stories that I find interesting and compelling (and those I remember). I am sure very, very few people remember my story. So what? As for lumping you and labeling you - I didn't label you - I said "your group". I didn't say a group of what By group, I meant the others you 'hang with' - agree with all the time. The ones who think the same way as you seem to project - you will see who you want, when you want, however you want, no matter who gets hurt in the process. You are not anti-affair. If you treat people IRL like you do posters at LS, then I would venture a guess that you have little respect for others views/opinions. Do you realize your statement above is full of inconsistencies? Because you are lying and spinning something to get yourself out of a hole of hypocrisy. Let's get this straight shall we? By "group" you didn't say "what", but it is the "other's that I hang out with"? So WHAT is the group? Oh it is the group that I "hang out" with. LOL...oh boy....somebody's is losing it.... Fooled, your statements above are desperate and angry and baseless. I never have encouraged affairs, but, I would not even bother to defend myself from someone like you who now is reduced to ridiculous and pathetic generalizations.
tami-chan Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 The label is irrelevant really. The point is that sometimes, for a board intended to - amongst other things - offer SUPPORT to those who find themselves in an affair, some newbies who are in pain are met with a great deal of hostility. Other posters see that and attempt to reassure the OP that this is not how everyone feels, but maybe is the way a person with that experience may feel. I've not seen anyone post "oh ignore poster such-and-such, because she's [insert reason here]". You are right, SG. I have never seen any member's name mentioned to a newbie to be ignored(but then again, I have not posted here in a while-so I could be wrong). Why would anyone take issue about that though? The newbie has a mind of their own, they can decide for themselves. Sometimes, it does help to have an idea where a person is coming from..like ViciousVendetta, when I read his posts, I was like "WHOAH", this person's kinda mean. But then somebody mentioned his experience and so now you have an idea why and take it from there.
tami-chan Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Oh, they don't need to. There are plenty of people who are hell bent on getting certain people infracted if they ever spy the chance. Hhmmm..... Lol..:lmao:!..no...really? you wouldn't happen to know these people, eh, donna?
tami-chan Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Whoa! And you call others rude and uncouth! Either the pot needs to meet the kettle and give him a big ol wet sloppy kiss, or the lady dost protest too much! Who did I call rude and uncouth? Is this all you have? :rolleyes:. Sad. Try again, bud.
tami-chan Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Who has the gun and bullet for this horse? Ah..violence...to some it always comes to that, does it not, bent?
trinity1 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 As for lumping you and labeling you - I didn't label you - I said "your group". I didn't say a group of what By group, I meant the others you 'hang with' - agree with all the time. The ones who think the same way as you seem to project - you will see who you want, when you want, however you want, no matter who gets hurt in the process. You are not anti-affair. If you treat people IRL like you do posters at LS, then I would venture a guess that you have little respect for others views/opinions. Isn't a shorter way to say this "unapologetic" or "unrepentant"? This is exactly why we have labels, to quickly identify a phenomena. It would get out of hand if each time we spoke of something we had to use a paragraph.
NoIDidn't Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 It's one thing if I decide to inform someone I am posting to of my "status" or position on the triangle (as in...formerly Betrayed spouse). I may do so for a variety of reasons. It's another thing entirely when someone decides to use that or similar label to attempt to discredit my advice or viewpoint because they feel that my "status" or "position" somehow invalidates my advice/support/comments. And this is where I have an issue with labels on this site, because there are indeed a lot of posters who try to do exactly that. And I don't care which side it's on...it's offenseive, mean-spirited, and just flat out doesn't need to happen. I've seen it done a good bit all three ways. On the Infidelity forum, I've seen posters attempt to discredit someone because they had been the WS, or the OW. I've seen it done here on the OW forum equally as much because the poster was a BS, or an "rOW". And THAT is where these labels become a problem. If you disagree with my advice, fine. Post your counterpoint. DO NOT try to discredit me or my advice because you don't like where I'm coming from. I'll offer you the same courtesy. If you use a label to describe someone...personally, I think you'd better have that person's permission or agreemant...or it should be subject to action here under the TOS. Just my opinion...yours may vary. Been avoiding this thread, but this post is just so well stated! Thank you Owl for saying what many are thinking and so civilly. It is one thing for us to label ourselves, its quite another when someone else does so and does so to encourage others to ignore or overly-scrutinize our thoughts. In fact, its rude.
anne1707 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Isn't a shorter way to say this "unapologetic" or "unrepentant"? This is exactly why we have labels, to quickly identify a phenomena. It would get out of hand if each time we spoke of something we had to use a paragraph. Trinity You keep coming back to this thread with a "how about we call people this.....". But have you not seen how this thread has deteriorated in to to some pretty rude postings because of the strength of feeling about this subject. This is due to the way labels have been used/perceived to be used over the last year or so (ignore the 2005 postings, this labelling issue is related to 2010). On this basis, can you really not see that the definition and subsequent use of labels cannot be agreed on? Which then means we come to the point that labels, other than the standard LS labels, should not be used. Note: for those who think the bashing is reserved to the OW/OM forum, the bashing on here is nothing compared to what I received on Infidelity when I joined. Apart from so called "cookie-cutter" advice I got of leave my H, he deserves better etc, there were a lot of insults. My view was that I just took that as part of an open forum. I was adult enough to make my own mind up who I listened to because the good advice shines through (especially when from a wise old bird ). I was also adult enough to recognise that there was no way my actions would be supported and condoned by all and that as I had done something which hurt others, I definitely deserved my share of criticism. I needed "tough love"
pureinheart Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Whoa! And you call others rude and uncouth! Either the pot needs to meet the kettle and give him a big ol wet sloppy kiss, or the lady dost protest too much! Coming from you, I find this rather interesting:p:rolleyes:
Spark1111 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Trinity You keep coming back to this thread with a "how about we call people this.....". But have you not seen how this thread has deteriorated in to to some pretty rude postings because of the strength of feeling about this subject. This is due to the way labels have been used/perceived to be used over the last year or so (ignore the 2005 postings, this labelling issue is related to 2010). On this basis, can you really not see that the definition and subsequent use of labels cannot be agreed on? Which then means we come to the point that labels, other than the standard LS labels, should not be used. Note: for those who think the bashing is reserved to the OW/OM forum, the bashing on here is nothing compared to what I received on Infidelity when I joined. Apart from so called "cookie-cutter" advice I got of leave my H, he deserves better etc, there were a lot of insults. My view was that I just took that as part of an open forum. I was adult enough to make my own mind up who I listened to because the good advice shines through (especially when from a wise old bird ). I was also adult enough to recognise that there was no way my actions would be supported and condoned by all and that as I had done something which hurt others, I definitely deserved my share of criticism. I needed "tough love" About the bolded: Thanks. Anne.....that was my point exactly! As a fBS, I too was subjected to harsh criticisms and judgements on the Infidelity forum when I began posting. Why do many posters on this forum believe they should be handled with kid gloves?
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 About the bolded: Thanks. Anne.....that was my point exactly! As a fBS, I too was subjected to harsh criticisms and judgements on the Infidelity forum when I began posting. Why do many posters on this forum believe they should be handled with kid gloves? I'm not fussed about other boards. This is my 'home' board, so to speak. Some folk come here confused and alone and feel they have no one to turn to; they need a rational means to talk over their problems. And sometimes posters are mean to them as a method of projecting feelings they have about themselves, or something bad someone else entirely has done to them. That's not okay. Often there are one line digs or insults that are clearly borne of the posters bitterness and not from wishing to participate in an intelligent exchange, or offer support. When that happens I am not the least bit offended if someone comes along and says 'Oh ignore X/Y/Z hun, they're having a bitter ol' rant '. Makes sense to me if some people feel they want to take that approach in the interests of balance and this board providing what it was set out to provide. You interpret that as 'kid gloves', and I don't.
Spark1111 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 I'm not fussed about other boards. This is my 'home' board, so to speak. Some folk come here confused and alone and feel they have no one to turn to; they need a rational means to talk over their problems. And sometimes posters are mean to them as a method of projecting feelings they have about themselves, or something bad someone else entirely has done to them. That's not okay. Often there are one line digs or insults that are clearly borne of the posters bitterness and not from wishing to participate in an intelligent exchange, or offer support. When that happens I am not the least bit offended if someone comes along and says 'Oh ignore X/Y/Z hun, they're having a bitter ol' rant '. Makes sense to me if some people feel they want to take that approach in the interests of balance and this board providing what it was set out to provide. You interpret that as 'kid gloves', and I don't. And again, I reiterate, how is that different than any other forum? It is not. There are one liners, digs, curt answers, harsh pronouncements in every single thread. Do OW believe they experience MORE pain than BS, than WS trying to decide about their marriage or their affair relationships? Do OW/OM require or feel entitled to additional protections in this forum? Or feel they must protect new posters from others? Because THIS IS THE ONLY FORUM where the "kid-glove" handling of newbies seems to come up, over and over again; where many posters try to discredit hard-liners, or label others "reformed" in an attempt to diminish their advice. Why is that, do you think?
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 And again, I reiterate, how is that different than any other forum? It is not. There are one liners, digs, curt answers, harsh pronouncements in every single thread. Do OW believe they experience MORE pain than BS, than WS trying to decide about their marriage or their affair relationships? Do OW/OM require or feel entitled to additional protections in this forum? Or feel they must protect new posters from others? Because THIS IS THE ONLY FORUM where the "kid-glove" handling of newbies seems to come up, over and over again; where many posters try to discredit hard-liners, or label others "reformed" in an attempt to diminish their advice. Why is that, do you think? You see, I don't care. For me none of this is about comparing this board against another. If other standards don't prevail elsewhere, the posters hanging out there can worry about it.
Spark1111 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 You see, I don't care. For me none of this is about comparing this board against another. If other standards don't prevail elsewhere, the posters hanging out there can worry about it. But why are you worrying about it?
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 But why are you worrying about it? I'm not worrying about what goes on on other boards. I made that clear. I'm interested in the goings-on HERE. You're the one who made the comparison about this board vs other boards, and I simply asserted that it was irrelevant in my view.
woinlove Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 And again, I reiterate, how is that different than any other forum? It is not. There are one liners, digs, curt answers, harsh pronouncements in every single thread. Do OW believe they experience MORE pain than BS, than WS trying to decide about their marriage or their affair relationships? Do OW/OM require or feel entitled to additional protections in this forum? Or feel they must protect new posters from others? Because THIS IS THE ONLY FORUM where the "kid-glove" handling of newbies seems to come up, over and over again; where many posters try to discredit hard-liners, or label others "reformed" in an attempt to diminish their advice. Why is that, do you think? I think if there were a forum specifically for WS, who sought support from each other, one would find a similar reaction. The Infidelity forum is not just for WS, and, in fact, is more dominated by BS. If it were dominated by WS instead, including those currently involved in affairs and those who thought their affairs were positive, it would be a very different forum. The reaction to BS posting about the fall-out of affairs would also be met with a lot of angst. The issue being discussed doesn't seem to be primarily about posting with respect and kindness. Posts lacking respect and kindness don't phase those who take exception to posts from some BS and alleged rOW, provided the posts lacking respect and kindness come from someone who also takes exception to those posts from some BS and alleged rOW. This thread illustrates that very point.
Silly_Girl Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 The issue being discussed doesn't seem to be primarily about posting with respect and kindness. Posts lacking respect and kindness don't phase those who take exception to posts from some BS and alleged rOW, provided the posts lacking respect and kindness come from someone who also takes exception to those posts from some BS and alleged rOW. This thread illustrates that very point. No, it's about the 'brand' of advice and its suitability to this board.
.thumb.jpg.09cfccc20b39a14bedb2dfa924b301d2.jpg)
Recommended Posts