Define rOW...good or bad?

[trinity1]

Sure, everyone here is an adult (one would assume), but that doesn't mean that we all act in an adult fashion at all times. Warning about possible harsh posting is not censorship. The postings will still be made and read. The TOS do not rule against harshness, nor against warnings, nor against labels - I just don't like the labels and wish they weren't used.

 

JMO.

 

Silk

 

Thanks, Silktricks, there's the answer I've been looking for.

[Spark1111]

It was very good that you were able to handle the insults, some, if not most can't.

 

Spark, the sad thing is those same posters that insult in infidelity, insult here too...and it is abusive IMO.

 

There are those on all sides of this triangle that come on these boards very hypersensitive, and some still are...it's not about coddling or wanting to coddle, it's understanding where a person is at and listening...like you for instance, chose to stay with your S, Spark, you should have been supported in that. Trusting that you are a big person and that there might be more to the story, as every single detail cannot possibly be communicated in even several posts.

 

Those were your wishes and that should have been respected.

 

I understand the viewpoint, I truly do.

 

But then I TRY to understand all viewpoints, or at least the perspective from which they are being offered.

 

I would NEVER be as audacious and arrogant to say to a new poster, so-and-so are unapologetic OW, so be mindful of the advice they are offering you.

 

How rude! How condescending! As if the advice they are offering is "less than" what I have to contribute.

[trinity1]

If someone uses any of these, or similar labels to discredit/discourage posting...mine at least...I'll have no issue with reporting it and seeing what the results are.

 

You're right...pretty much nothing to discuss.

 

We're done then. Those who find using labels offensive report those posts to the moderators and let them decide.

[Spark1111]

If, in MY view, someone is getting beaten up on when they're hurting and have come here for support, what EXACTLY is wrong in me saying 'OP, I think Poster X's hostile post is not necessarily directed at you but is in part because she caught her man at it with her mum last week. Please don't take it to heart'?

 

'Cos I don't care what any of you say. IF I thought someone was getting a hard time in that way, on this SUPPORT board, I'd speak up.

 

And if someone thought I was giving irresponsible 'ooh DO stay in the affair at any cost' type advice, they'd be right to speak up too.

 

It's so simple but being made complex.

 

But here is the beauty of it!

 

I can ignore it or I can report it.

 

You do not have to agree with me! I do not have to agree with you!

 

You cannot judge the validity of my advice, I cannot judge the validity of your advice.

 

Only the original poster can decide what has value to them in their situation or not.

 

We are all wonderfully different, as you posted earlier to me.

 

I think it comes down to the very subjective opinion as to what constitutes advice and support for each one of us.

 

And that will run the spectrum of tea with sugar to 2by4 brickbats.

 

And no one should try to control support of advice unless it violates TOS on this site.

 

If you want to or feel there is a need to, you are always free to post elsewhere, discuss it with a counselor or close friend, tell it to your dog or your gold fish.

 

But as long as it is allowed at this site, by these owners and their mods, it will not, does not have to, change to suit what you and a handful of others may deem "better" advice for newbies.

 

Even labelling others will not help to attain that result here.

[desertIslandCactus]

I find that term objectionable as it implies that all OWs at some stage rationalise As. I have never rationalised an A, nor needed to. If we're into making up our own names, how about "fOWs who never needed to rationalise As and still don't"?

 

Of course you rationalize.

[Silly_Girl]

But here is the beauty of it!

 

I can ignore it or I can report it.

 

You do not have to agree with me! I do not have to agree with you!

 

You cannot judge the validity of my advice, I cannot judge the validity of your advice.

 

Only the original poster can decide what has value to them in their situation or not.

 

We are all wonderfully different, as you posted earlier to me.

 

I think it comes down to the very subjective opinion as to what constitutes advice and support for each one of us.

 

And that will run the spectrum of tea with sugar to 2by4 brickbats.

 

And no one should try to control support of advice unless it violates TOS on this site.

 

If you want to or feel there is a need to, you are always free to post elsewhere, discuss it with a counselor or close friend, tell it to your dog or your gold fish.

 

But as long as it is allowed at this site, by these owners and their mods, it will not, does not have to, change to suit what you and a handful of others may deem "better" advice for newbies.

 

Even labelling others will not help to attain that result here.

 

The irony!!!!!!!! 'Do not try to control what others post!' says Spark.

 

:lmao:

[donnamaybe]

The irony!!!!!!!! 'Do not try to control what others post!' says Spark.

 

:lmao:

You're kidding, right?

[Spark1111]

The irony!!!!!!!! 'Do not try to control what others post!' says Spark.

 

:lmao:

 

You lost me with this one.

[Spark1111]

You're kidding, right?

 

God, I hope so!

 

I hate forum police. I despise labelling others. I have never once reported anyone. Everyone who knows me, at least knows this about me!

 

Did we just take a left into the Twilight Zone?

[Silly_Girl]

The irony!!!!!!!! 'Do not try to control what others post!' says Spark.

 

:lmao:

 

The whole thread is 'cos those being referred to as rOW don't like it BUT it seems it doesn't contravene the TOS.

 

So the Posters Formally Known As rOW are entitled to dish out tough love, as long as it doesn't break the rules.

 

Those who don't like it can say what they like, as long as it doesn't break the rules.

 

You can't try and control what someone does or doesn't post whilst using the principle 'no one should try and control what someone else posts'.

 

It's like a parent slapping their kid as punishment for the child having slapped another kid....

[OWoman]

God, I hope so!

 

I hate forum police. I despise labelling others. I have never once reported anyone. Everyone who knows me, at least knows this about me!

 

Did we just take a left into the Twilight Zone?

 

SG's comment, as I read it anyway, was not about Spark - it was pointing out an internal contradiction in what she said. It was about the content, not the poster.

[donnamaybe]

God, I hope so!

 

I hate forum police. I despise labelling others. I have never once reported anyone. Everyone who knows me, at least knows this about me!

 

Did we just take a left into the Twilight Zone?

It's one of those "do as I say, not as I do" sorta situations.

[Silly_Girl]

It's one of those "do as I say, not as I do" sorta situations.

 

You've got it spot on Donna!!!!!

[donnamaybe]

You've got it spot on Donna!!!!!

But not on Spark.

 

This thread was started in an attempt to determine what the intent behind ROW was. We all know the intent because it was made clear in a thread not so long ago. The intent was to belittle and be dismissive of posters with a particular history. THAT is a "do as I say not as I do" attitude. The posters who coined the term ROW in that thread CONSISTENTLY whined about what people should say, then they turn around and label posters with a certain history and belittle their viewpoint. Kettle/pot all in one, and both very very black.

[Star_Bright]

God, I hope so!

 

I hate forum police. I despise labelling others. I have never once reported anyone. Everyone who knows me, at least knows this about me!

 

Did we just take a left into the Twilight Zone?

 

Yeah, I'm the same way, I hate censorship. I think we should all get a voice and we should try to voice our own opinion kindly.

 

I read about posters who beat other posters up and attack them etc. but I rarely see that in the actual posts. I would like to know where all of this attacking from rOWs (or BSs) is done?! Maybe I just don't recognize what everyone is talking about. I feel like some people here don't like other people's opinions/points of view. Almost all the current OWs seemed to have left because they thought non-OWs were mean or something. I don't get that. Just voice your opinion and be done with it, what do other people care what other people's opinions are? I just scratch my head because I don't get what all the fighting is about sometimes.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I'm the same way, I hate censorship. I think we should all get a voice and we should try to voice our own opinion kindly.

 

I read about posters who beat other posters up and attack them etc. but I rarely see that in the actual posts. I would like to know where all of this attacking from rOWs (or BSs) is done?! Maybe I just don't recognize what everyone is talking about. I feel like some people here don't like other people's opinions/points of view. Almost all the current OWs seemed to have left because they thought non-OWs were mean or something. I don't get that. Just voice your opinion and be done with it, what do other people care what other people's opinions are? I just scratch my head because I don't get what all the fighting is about sometimes.

 

The fighting is personal, various members who rub eachother the wrong way, various members who just don't see eye to eye and neither are willing to be the first to drop it and take the high road.

 

It's been said a million times, focus on the person who needs help, not the replies on the thread by others.

[Star_Bright]

The whole thread is 'cos those being referred to as rOW don't like it BUT it seems it doesn't contravene the TOS.

 

 

WHO doesn't like being referred to as rOW? Who cares what it's called? To me it's the message that's important. I don't care what anyone calls me, and I don't know who the people are who are upset about being called rOW. I guess I missed some thread that everyone is talking about, or why I should be upset to be called an rOw. I went away for awhile, partly because of all of this fighting and negativity I guess. It's stupid. I feel like some people just like to fight I guess.

[Woggle]

I don't ever post with the intention of beating somebody up but I won't sit here and act like what they are doing is healthy or good because it is not. It's kind of sad because many OW and OM don't realize that there is a whole world out there outside of lying, cheating and dysfunctional relationships. It doesn't have to be like this. One of the things I have learned in therapy is that there is much more to life than the world I was shown as a child. It would help them to see beyond the walls of affairs, and betrayal.

[Star_Bright]

The fighting is personal, various members who rub eachother the wrong way, various members who just don't see eye to eye and neither are willing to be the first to drop it and take the high road.

 

It's been said a million times, focus on the person who needs help, not the replies on the thread by others.

 

I see.

 

I guess there's not much point in a thread like this then, when everyone is just bickering and there's no one asking for help (unless I missed it).

 

I think that sometimes in threads where people are here for advice, other people give advice or help and then someone else picks on that advice or help... so I agree, everyone should just give their advice to the person asking for help and ignore everyone else's advice. That should be how it's done for sure. Leave the personal fighting out of it and just concentrate on the OP. But in this post and the other one about Love and War it seems that there's no one asking for help, just a bunch of people fighting and people who want everyone else to accept their opinion/view of things so much that they become downright rude about it. How silly.

[desertIslandCactus]

WHO doesn't like being referred to as rOW? Who cares what it's called? To me it's the message that's important. I don't care what anyone calls me, and I don't know who the people are who are upset about being called rOW. I guess I missed some thread that everyone is talking about, or why I should be upset to be called an rOw. I went away for awhile, partly because of all of this fighting and negativity I guess. It's stupid. I feel like some people just like to fight I guess.

 

Yes, it's like taking a piece of lint and snowballing or running with it.

[Silly_Girl]

But not on Spark.

 

This thread was started in an attempt to determine what the intent behind ROW was. We all know the intent because it was made clear in a thread not so long ago. The intent was to belittle and be dismissive of posters with a particular history. THAT is a "do as I say not as I do" attitude. The posters who coined the term ROW in that thread CONSISTENTLY whined about what people should say, then they turn around and label posters with a certain history and belittle their viewpoint. Kettle/pot all in one, and both very very black.

 

Apologies, thought you were talking about THIS thread, but you were referring to a thread I'm not aware of. D'oh.

[donnamaybe]

Apologies, thought you were talking about THIS thread, but you were referring to a thread I'm not aware of. D'oh.

Yup. I was discussing the topic of this thread. Novel idea, eh?

[Silly_Girl]

Yup. I was discussing the topic of this thread. Novel idea, eh?

 

Couldn't see that. Sorry. You were referring to a prior thread and said 'THAT is do as I say...' etc. Oh well. N'worries.

[confusedinkansas]

Whether you say you're reformed or not - Makes no difference to posters here.

Once you're a Cheater in LS you ALWAYS will be considered one. Even if you come here as a ROW & ask for advice about something that doesn't have anything to do with infidelity. Many here will drag that back into the conversation.

Oh - & your label also includes THEY WILL CHEAT AGAIN.

 

As for rationalizing - here - They call it "Making Excuses" for most there is no EXCUSE for infidelity. Ever. Never. (I say reasons - but heck that's splitting hairs now isn't it?)

 

So the way I see it - You can say anything you want here. You can agree or disagree with folks. But if you cheated You're still LABLED!

[Star_Bright]

Whether you say you're reformed or not - Makes no difference to posters here.

Once you're a Cheater in LS you ALWAYS will be considered one. Even if you come here as a ROW & ask for advice about something that doesn't have anything to do with infidelity. Many here will drag that back into the conversation.

Oh - & your label also includes THEY WILL CHEAT AGAIN.

 

As for rationalizing - here - They call it "Making Excuses" for most there is no EXCUSE for infidelity. Ever. Never. (I say reasons - but heck that's splitting hairs now isn't it?)

 

So the way I see it - You can say anything you want here. You can agree or disagree with folks. But if you cheated You're still LABLED!

 

Yeah I post in Dating sometimes and other posters will randomly ask "weren't you an OW?" So I feel the once-an-OW-always-an-OW label over there, but, at this point in my "dating" life, it's relevant, so, I don't really mind. I guess if they were saying it years down the road when I'm trying to date and no longer focused on the fact that I was an OW, I'd be annoyed. Although really I'm not very easily offended online because I realize it's a bunch of anonymous posters.

 

I don't know, for me, once I've been an OW, I will always have been one. It defines me to a certain extent, and all I can do is make the best of it and learn from it. I'm not saying I want to beat myself up about it forever, but it influences who I've been/who I am and who I don't want to be again. I imagine that if I had cheated I would feel the same way. So in that sense the "label" doesn't bother me -- it is what it is. I do believe there are people who are capable and incapable of cheating, and people who are capable and incapable of being an OW. When I read "you never know unless it happens to you"... I kinda cringe. Yeah I didn't expect it to happen and never thought it would, but, I knew what I was doing. I knew it was "wrong" according to my values and just plain common sense, and I did it anyway. I would like to think there are people who live according to their values (because I would like to be like that!!! and am aiming for that) who would never, ever, ever do it no matter what. And then those of us who would. So yeah it does define us to a certain extent, in my view. Maybe my view is messed though, who knows.