hardtobelieve Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Ive read the threads and i admire the stoic and philisophical but Ive had enough - Im ready for life to be fair and fun and for the all that the fairytales promised! I was married for nearly 10 years to a man I love but who had anger issues. I'm not meek or used to playing the victim but I tried everything i could to get him to address the issues without success and eventually left saying i wouldnt come back unless he did something to stop himself periodically abusing me. I had to do it as i couldnt raise our children exposed to that and had to shake him into change somehow. And I thought he would choose to change but he decided not to and now we are divorced and I am raising our two young children alone. And its hard and Im sad and missing the good times and wondering where I am going to get the stamina to just get the kids and myself through the next decade. Because my family and friends have become aware of the abuse through our separation they cant understand why Id be sad about it all being over. I feel i need to be strong and determined to get on with it, theres no one to pick up that role if I dont and who knows where Id stop if i dropped teh ball and started crying on the sidelines. Its hard to explain. I know its best that the dynamic has stopped and have thought through all the psych bit and am working on growing psychologically through this but isnt it possible and OK to just genuinely miss what I thought i was signing up for when I got married, to miss the good times and being part of a team? To miss the man I was in love with and be sad that it didnt work out the way it was meant to? To feel like life isnt fair and that i did all the right things and still didnt get the deal i thought came with that? From the day i walked away (thinking id be back) I have been in survival mode - getting the kids and i through each day, just getting through standard bills and food and ironed school uniforms and part time work - when do i get to stop and say I'm exhausted and I just want to stop and cry. And if i do stop and cry how long will I have to do that to get it out of my system - at the moment approximately 12 mintes at 9pm on Thursday is looking like my window for this! : ) Its just all so hard and sad and not the fairytale ending the stories books promised. Theres no choice but to push on so i guess thats what I'll do - I know, time will heal, but i dont want to lose years just to getting through and eventually maybe healing. How do I tap into some joy today and stop surviving and start thriving again? Has anyone been where my thinking is today and willing to tell me about coming through the other side? Something conceret would be good - a date a time a specific process? : )
worlybear Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Hey, I hear you- and yes it is tough raising kids by yourself. You sound exhausted, both physically and mentally. I have been in that situation and I think its important for you to take a step back from the mundane routines and do something for you. I struggled to cope with the idea of going out/meeting new people but eventually I bit the bullet and made myself go out. No great romance:D(well,at least not yet!)but I have met some nice people and its good to be able to chat/share a joke with other people. (real grown-ups as well!) Slowly, its beginning to pay off- I am now able to ring a male friend and meet up for drink/cinema/walk/laugh-its something I would never have envisaged being able to do, even a few months ago but the prospect of staying in every night for the next 10 years drove me forward. Like you, I was very lonely and missed the closeness of my relationship,despite all the flaws but realistically I knew that that relationship was gone forever and I need to concentrate on meeting new people. I don't feel ready to "date" yet- but I''ve found that generally if you make it clear that you are just looking to improve your friendship circles, then guys are cool with this. ( If they are also "healing", it takes the pressure off both of you and you can just relax and enjoy a friendship without any hidden agenda!) Try one of the internet sites if you still have children at home- that way, you can browse the profiles and telephone/IM anyone that catches your attention. Personally, I usually exchange emails/phonecalls for a couple of weeks before meeting up in town. Then...... just see how it goes! Hugs:bunny::bunny:
tobydog1 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Hi, I know exactly how you are feeling too as well. For the first few months after we split I could hardly function, just shell shocked and numb. But I have a 5 yo son to take care of and gradually there comes days when you can see a ray of light throught the dark clouds...it takes time and I still have my locked in the past days remembering all our love and little things. I had a bad day today as he is trying to annihilate me at the moment.... But with the support of friends and family I have started to go out for the day, for a few dinners etc. Oh and a few old boyfriends to raise my self esteem a bit! Of course it is Ok to miss the future and all the plans etc all the loving family time. We feel in one way or another, robbed of it all. I do tho I am mainly to blame for my separation. How long has it been for you since you split up? It is all exhausting but the spring is here and I have been doing more walking with my boy and the dog.... I like your username....I was saying the other day to a pal 'iIt is so hard to belive that we have gone from love to WW3 in 6 months, its all so surreal' Thngs will look up and then there will be down days...keep posting, there are some great people on this forum Take care, maybe tomorrow will be a little better x
Author hardtobelieve Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Thank you both so much for replying. Amazing that a little cry out from here in my tiny corner could be heard out there and that someone in the big wide world responded. I know you are right. I recall the airline analogy of mothers needing to get their airmasks on first before they can help their kids. I do need to look after myself if I want to be up to this challenge for the long haul. Unfortunately my current way of 'treating' myself is with food and thats counter productive to all the things I should be focusing on like health and socialising. Anyway, you are both inspirational - go you! I think you are incredible for getting yourselves up and out there and hope that the universe gets its act together and rewards you appropriately : )
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