K.K. Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 OH MY GOD your post just made my day!!!! I just got home from a harrowing afternoon trying to buy a car on my own without any help and it was empowering! I felt for the first time in months kinda well... excited again! I felt strong and alive instead of wanting to die like every other day. Maybe I will be back to being miserable tomorrow but today I feel good and coming home seeing your post when I could just feellll how much this situation with your ex has crushed you has truly made my day! You marched your ass right in there and confronted her! And she was a mess!! BONUS! You got it off your chest! I think it was early on enough to where no contact didn't even apply yet. You said, ok have a good day. HAHAHAAAAAA . Kenny, I know tomorrow is a different day and hurts and pains will rear their ugly heads once more but today mah brutha you are the MAN! High five! lol So proud of you! And that question of the text would have haunted you forever if you hadn't have asked her!
Author KennyD Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 The thing is guys, I let things build up. Read my posts, you can tell this is not just a week, or a month of events...this is a year and then some....and I just blew my top. I figured it's best to write it out....and I did. I have been hurt for months guys, this is just the first time I've began to "write it out". It does hurt, don't get me wrong-- but the fact that I got it off my chest, I can sit here and tell you all....it isnt as bad. Emotions run wild, and my fingers just keep typing. I feel liberated to just tell neutral parties how I am feeling.....because I found out telling her, gets me nowhere. NC does apply, it applied 7 months ago and I broke it, and then went for more punishment I am normally a very happy person guys, I am the half full kind of guy. I do wish she could find happiness, as much as I will say "I hope she is miserable"....I don't think she knows what it means to be truly happy. All I can do is just do my own thing. I am a good person, she is just a confused girl and I will just go about things now. I'm not going to lie, it felt good to know she kind of did not know what he was doing. But, that doesn't change anything.....he is still living with her. When I really think of things....I look at her now just as "taken"....and Im not one to try to go after a taken person. That will help me not make the mistakes I have been making....I am not a cheater guys. I was just a guy who didnt know what the HECK WAS GOING ON. Now that I know....I don't think I'll be making my mistakes a third time. Give her time, maybe she will separate with him, become a single mom, learn to struggle, and maybe, just maybe....find happiness in herself. I can't make her happy-- but I can make myself happy. Thanks for the comments K.K....some days are good, some days are bad. Who the hell knows what TOMORROW brings..!!!!
Author KennyD Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) And that question of the text would have haunted you forever if you hadn't have asked her! You are damn right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's hard to maintain COMPLETE NC, we do work together guys and I don't want to "ignore" someone. However now with me working only 1 day a week, I will only see her tuesdays...if she even works (i dont know what her schedule is). I need to just look at things like this-- Whatever she says, they are "together"....not with me. Why talk to someone who is "with someone else"? Thats kind of cheating. Need to get into that mind frame and apply it to this NC Edited March 8, 2011 by KennyD
betterdeal Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Kenny, it's good that you're writing down your feelings here. I can see that in this short space of time you appear to be going through the normal, healthy stages of shock: denial, anger, fear, bargaining, acceptance. It is in reaching that last stage of acceptance that we all find we can move on in life, whatever the original abrupt change (the shock) was in our lives. What has helped me is relearning how to disconnect from someone. That doesn't mean blaming or being angry; rather it means reaching a state of not being emotionally tied to them. Losing interest (in a private, emotional sense) and re-establishing the line between your inner self and them is wonderfully liberating. I wish them well in life and that they find the peace and love they are looking for. I wish that for everyone. People who have shared part of my journey are no different. Rather than spending time wishing for the good bits and trying to think my way back into those, dealing with how things are now is much more productive. We had fun times. We had **** times. We learnt a lot. Now, when I see my most recent ex, I get bored of the neediness, the emotional outbursts, the attempts to provoke, label or blame me. Other exes, I get along fine with, talk to occasionally, share jokes, ask advice &c. Some people are better at managing their emotions and relationships than others. Find other things to do with yourself. You sound quite cerebral: lots of thinking and mind-based activity. Get in touch with your other qualities: treat your body and appearance well; explore your senses; learn to sing or do yoga or a martial art; go watch a movie; go for a walk; offer to help an old person on your street with their shopping. Relationships are more than just those close ones with someone you have sex with. You have relationships with your community, with your friends, your family, the world around you, your body and your inner self. The conscious mind is a tool, designed to help and assist the inner self, the sub-conscious, the soul. Use your conscious mind to honour your soul, the real you.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Good job Kenny! Now don't get involved with someone who has such low self-esteem or allowed themselves to be recently treated like crap! It is a major red flag of the worst kind.
Author KennyD Posted March 8, 2011 Author Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) I had a tough day today, back and forth with her in my mind, however I found a new thing to do "She is together with someone Kenny, you are not a cheater, stop bothering" (Although she may not be with this guy, he lives there with her kid, so yeah they are together in my eyes). I snap out of it after that. Keep it going....keep it going.....detached myself soon enough She did text me today, "<3", and then proceeded to ask me for some mind enlightens (wont be "blunt" here lol)-- Only text when you want something...classic textbook example. Edited March 8, 2011 by KennyD
Author KennyD Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Good lord....this other guy does not like me, at all. He makes her miserable, and is making me miserable by doing that. Its better to just not even discuss things. I find out now, its all because of him...he makes her this way and she lets it. Very disappointing, limited contact and every time I talk I learn more and it disturbs me. This guy is going to have it out for me, I need to just walk away before something happens. Being "friends" with this guy is out of the question. This ordeal, is irreparable. I dont even want to go into detail, holy f**king train wreck. Goodnight
Author KennyD Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Havent heard anything from her at all today. Guess she just wanted something and when she got it, no need for me. Talked to her when we met up in her truck, apparantely they arent on good terms, yadda yadda. She "doesnt know what to do, kick him out, or what"... I left her truck saying as cooly as I could, "Listen...you have a good thing sitting in front of you, ive been very patient and understanding through all of this, but the guy you are looking at...will not be here for long" And, all day today, nothing....what happened this time, did he DELETE MY NUMBER AGAIN....he knew absolutely nothing about me and her all this time....like im a secret. I have to just accept, its been 8 months, nothing is going to happen. I tried my best, I would have done anything to make it work....its not going to happen....why am I even talking to her-- I don't want to be "friends"....it's all or nothing and Im back to NC...give her time to see what shes going to do. Not making any progress....longing for her still. 8 months later....still longing
Author KennyD Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) I feel better at least knowing this guy is a definitely a **** head....and she is making herself miserable by staying with him "for the best of the family" I kept thinking of her all day today....feel better knowing how he is ruining everything (at least it isnt me)....me and this "other guy" (the father) can never be friends it seems. She is worried if she says she will go hang out with me, he may get upset and maybe hurt the kid....(......lol hmmm sounds like a great environment to raise a kid) I talked on the phone with a co-worker (in her 40s) for about 2 hours about all this. She just cant believe how the "times have changed" and these girls my age now a days dont live for tomorrow, instead they just are for the moment. She is right, I think I'm in the wrong generation. Anyway, thanks for reading-- It's a process. All or nothing, none of this "I dont know" *****. You either want to be with someone, or you dont. I will take it as you dont....and you will have to get nothing. Spare myself the hurt....just stop it Kenny. I dont expect anything anymore, all I ever do is get dissapointed.. It's all or nothing, to hell with "friends". Everytime I look at her, I just see that other dude with her. All the nice things we did...I now see him instead of me. She came into work that night to pick something up from me, and she looked absolutely amazing (compared to Monday when she was looking depressed). She went to a church festival with her mom...man did she look good dressed up (I guess when I dont see her much anymore, i forget why I love this girl) You figure compliments are good....again I guess I'm barking up the wrong tree. If you say you are "done" with this guy, BE DONE....obviously she is done with me. Why can't I accept it? Why do I still think theres a chance...oh wait, that's right she told me she wants to be with me, shes in love with me, and that im the most amazing man shes ever met. Oh yeah, I FORGOT....<sighs> I wonder if I should go see somebody soon. This is not normal for me to act this way, crying out of nowhere it not something Im used to (Because I stopped dating for 4 years because of the pain before it) Oh well....tomorrow is another day I guess. I want her...I should know by now you can't always get what you want. Such is life, I should not expect anything anymore. Cant be in love with your friend...thats for sure. I would take it so different if she would just say "Listen kenny, im just not interested"....but no, I ENABLE THIS TO HAPPEN.... I wish she would understand I would never hurt her...I just wanted to show her there are people on this world that will love you for all of your positives, as well as your faults. If it isn't what you want....why tell me it is. This guy you have been with for 6 years...is controlling you I wish you would see that....but I can't tell you this-- who I am...it's not my life (although it is affecting mine). Ive given you space, I will continue to give you more....but it comes in the form of me disappearing. The last thing I ever wanted to do, was make things more complicated. I type it out now, I find this is much more therapeutic for my mind. This place is a good release. I know these posts may seem like novels, but it's good to get it all off the head-- Just thoughts through the days Definitely not feeling as good as I did two days ago, but that is expected-- going through the motions....the cycle continues- Life goes on. Tomorrow will be a good day. No worries!!! Edited March 10, 2011 by KennyD
Author KennyD Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Today...was not a good day. Woke up and immediately felt depressed (had a dream about her) Went to work....I was driving home from the rain, and I immediately broke down for about an hour just kind of mental/emotional overload after the past few days. I have a lot of other things going on in my life that happen on top of this....so you can see where it'll just make someone snap. I am a good person, I don't deserve this....I am a good person, I dont deserve this....I am a good person, I don't deserve this.... Good things to repeat to yourself- Havent talked to her today either....contemplating getting some help because this is not normal anymore. This relationship/friendship is just adding on to some other problems....i suffer from anxiety alot of the time. Working two jobs on top of it, then you throw in your alcoholic family problems....kaboom I sound like a broken record....but itll pass. Its so difficult because I genuinely CARE about her. Alot of things said to me tuesday. How she is afraid to hang out with me and tell Him "Im going out with kenny" because she is worried about the baby.....would he hit his own son? That is not a very good thing to be involved with. So that was the "reason" she cant hang out with me. I told her that her son comes first....which hey if you ever get involved with a single mom....that's how it always has to be (otherwise, i wouldnt respect the mother). I hope she gets better, that's all. She is unhappy with herself, told me multiple times....there's a great girl there. But, you can only hope they get better, you can't MAKE them better. I have to realize this, some people like this kind of drama. Edited March 10, 2011 by KennyD
angelboots Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 This relationship/friendship is just adding on to some other problems....i suffer from anxiety alot of the time. Working two jobs on top of it, then you throw in your alcoholic family problems....kaboom I hear you Kenny, I too suffer from anxiety, am dealing with 3 jobs, study, 7 year old daughter with mild special needs, IV drug addicted family, raising my 17yr old baby brother to try and keep him on the right track away from the families dramas.. I am now seeing a therapist to help get my head around things and have been given some anti anxiety meds to help with the anxiety attacks. Keep telling yourself that your a good person and you dont deserve this.. its become my mantra of late also. You are a good person. My therapist thinks when you grow up with dysfunction in the family, it makes dysfunction seem "normal and comfortable" some how... I dont know if thats true for all but it feels right to me.
Author KennyD Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Yeah it is true. One of my close friends believes I am "drawn to the chaos" and when I don't have it, I crave it....because I'm so used to it.
Author KennyD Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) I am incorrigible. I called her, talked for about 10 minutes....she doesnt care if I text or call, but she said "be warned mike will send you a nasty reply".... I asked "are u guys dating" she said No we arent, why. If you arent together, it's free game. F*ck that guy. Said if she wanted to hang out, she said Yeah she does....texted her how "i felt"....NOTHING in return....OTHER THAN "I MISS YOU TOO AND THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME" God why do I keep doing this to myself, keep putting myself out there, and get nothing in return. WHY CANT I LET MYSELF HEAL....why do I keep going in for more punishment? The answers are right there....she just wont TELL me. Come on kenny....what are you doing..... Im all about "fighting for what you love", but what if what you love doesn't even love you back (just as a friend...oh man) I am a lost cause, I dont even know why I keep posting these messages...I am not healing, I am not NCing....I am talking to her still and the pain wont go away. Come on Kenny... Edited March 11, 2011 by KennyD
angelboots Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 im doing the same exact thing and thinking the same exact things so ill make u a deal. when i figure out the answer I'll let you know and if you beat me to the punch please do share
Author KennyD Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 unsuccessful... we began texting and talking again.....friday we were texting ALOT and she called me when she got off work I asked her if she could go to the beach with me tomorrow night, she said "ill see"....I asked "is that a yes, or a no, because i will make plans if not", she says "ill see". she says she is done with that guy, "she wants me", and that she wants to hang out with me. well, she completely blew me off yesterday, and i havent heard from her today either. twist the knife deeper.
Author KennyD Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) im not going to text her "hey what happened"...nah....i guess this is day 2 NC you dont do this to someone you love. i will just leave her alone, even if she says she is interested, her actions are speaking louder. I love you, more than I should....I have to let you go now. Now is not the time, you still dont know what you want. For whatever reasons, this just isnt going to work for her. She has told me she is afraid to struggle without him....theres not much I can do, i offered my support to her...fallen on deaf ears I hate turning my back on you...but I guess I have to now. Edited March 20, 2011 by KennyD
Author KennyD Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) I just dont know what to do anymore.... Its disgusting, people seem to have no morals...girls I talk to tell me just to blow her off and ignore her, that "she will come running back to you!"....I dont want to play games. I would assume....she is just too busy (with having a kid, etc) to deal with me. I dont even ask for much, a simple hello and see how your day is, and you cant even give me that.... You cant be friends with someone you are in love with. I want her back, I did all I could....I can't change anybodys mind. Im still hurting, its not going away....I need to make a clean break and just quit this lame ass job we work at (its not my career job, just b.s extra 50 a week) and cut ties with that place altogether-- if it means I never have to see her again, its for the best for me. And thats all that matters, ME. Edited March 20, 2011 by KennyD
Author KennyD Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 My message, that i did NOT send her, instead I put it on here. So....why exactly did you just all the sudden stop talking to me Ashley? More importantly, why didn't you at least tell me you couldn't make it Saturday with me to the beach, instead of just blowing me off completely. That was pretty ****ty Ashley you could have just sent a 5 second text saying "Sorry I cant go Kenny" and I would have been okay with it, AS I ALWAYS AM. You say you are in love with me and miss me, why can't you just show it? Why am I a "secret" between you and Mike....that isn't right Ashley you should be PROUD to love someone like me. I understand yeah I guess he doesn't know me and you have been talking for the past 5 months (which btw, I don't know how you pulled that off, congrats I guess, hopefully he knows YOU LOVE ME and reached out to me to begin talking to you again in November) I have been nothing but good to you, its really hurts that you just don't seem to care about the effort and time I have put in. I have done just about everything I could do for you, and it still seems to fall on deaf ears. You say you want me, you are interested, you miss me, im the most amazing man youve ever met, Im sexy... etc....why do you not act on these? I am beginning to take it as you don't really mean these things. Your actions are speaking louder than your words...and its showing. Why not show them to me, be real...."give in to the temptation" as you said months before when we first started talking again. I mean everything I say to you Ashley. And it's for you and you only. I cant help if I have feelings for you after all of this, at least I know it's TRUE on my side. Ive never pressured you into anything, ever ashley....i've sat back and waited while you "do you"....but in reality, how are you doing "you" when you are living with Mike still? And damn Ashley, from the day you came crying to my house saying you want him out at the beginning of the year and that you were done....it surely doesn't seem like it....you say you are scared-- I offer to help, not to mention you can get child support to pay your bills.....but you want to remain unhappy and miserable "as long as your baby is spoiled". I remain in the dark, not knowing what is going on ever....is this really a way to treat someone YOU LOVE? I dont know what to say anymore, I don't even expect a reply from you Ashley. I feel you are definitely rejecting me every time I try to even get close to you....which is ironic because after all this, I would assume you would be CLOSER to me...now I find myself not even getting to see the girl that I love because she is afraid what the "other guy" will do....who lives in YOUR house, under YOUR roof, under YOUR rules (who disrespects you daily, as you told me many times) Listen, you told me many times that you love me, want to be with me, etc....then you tell me you don't know what you want, and want to do you. I am not sure if you are aware of it or not, but that messes with people's heads. If you think I am acting erratic, put yourself in my shoes and you will see more clearly. But, listen I've made a fool of myself yet again, and wont do it anymore.
Author KennyD Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 I swear to you guys, I almost sent it. I saw her at work today, and man was I bothered how she acted like nothing was wrong. I almost sent it to her FB account, i wont make those mistakes again because I know it gets me nowhere.
Author KennyD Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 We arent talking much anymore... She told me that she had tried to text me 3 or 4 times that saturday...I never got any texts. her kid flushed her phone down the toilet on thursday and i havent heard from her since (her kid really did, she has a borrowed phone while she waits for insurance to send her a new one). i got called into work sunday and called to say I would come in and she answered, she told me she was going to call me, etc.. then i saw her at work and she came up to me and said she was worried because she didnt text or call me (i was generally concerned, since her phone is never off but I dont want to be a weirdo and go to her house after all this, thats crossing the line so i just figured let it be) -- In fact after all of this, I have never once driven by her home, anything of that matter (that is creepy) so, its fading. i didnt want it to, but it is.. I just hope she doesnt forget how good I was to her. I tried my best, I was completely genuine-- I'm sure that accounts for something (even if not to her, probably others around)
Author KennyD Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I take it as, she loves the father of her kid too much-- whatever reasons it may be. I know he supports her, she is afraid to struggle. From what she says, 320 dollars a week is what he gives her....I think she is addicted to the money (spending cash). As I recall the infamous quote, "Id rather be miserable and unhappy as long as my baby is spoiled". Well....guess you want to be that way. I know I showed you a door, and I will leave it open....but that's all I can do. I am talking to another girl, but I feel really bad because I am just talking to her to "ease" the pain. Hurt people hurt people, and I need to watch out because it's not fair to the girl....(although I am sure she just wants company, her grandfather passed away and she has just gotten out of a relationship as of December). I am thinking of going to the one girl at work tomorrow night, since we both close-- and asking her to be my girlfriend.--- When she says No, at least I will know that it can never happen. Its better than wondering. I have waited 6 months, I have never asked her to be with me since....at least I could get a real answer from her mouth. But, why face rejection again (My roommate/friend has a bet of 20 dollars she will say Yes, I told him hes going to owe me 20 hahah). Then at least, I know she said No, and I can move on and at least KNOW she wont be my girlfriend-- Id rather have her tell it to me face to face. Then, and only then....can I move on. I am filled with false hope, I would rather be rejected, at least I could be free from these thoughts. Crazy? Yeah, probably....but if it helps me mentally understand and shut my stupid heart up-- what do I have to lose? A friendship? LOL...
Author KennyD Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Well.... I was working with her last night, she was about to leave so I asked her to come see me, it was important. I then dropped the bomb on her...how I have been waiting for 8 months, given her time, etc...then I said straight up, would you be my girlfriend. "Right now????? I cant right now, I...Im still sorting out everything. I am giving Mike until the end of next month to leave, and if he doesnt Im having my dad come and toss his stuff out on the lawn".... I immediately replied, Listen....this is ridiculous. I have no problem waiting for you ashley, you know that. But this is a little out of line. If all that is said and done, do you see a future with me? "No". I just said "Ok", walked away, and that is the last time I will ever talk to her. AT LEAST I KNOW NOW guys....what the hell is the point of talking anymore. So, yeah it sucks, but I got what I wanted- my answer. Thank you for stringing me along, but I cant blame anybody but myself for enabling it. Have a great life, I will respect your decision. If you dont see a future with me, there is no reason to even try. BTW, at least I stood up for myself-- I know how this goes now-- sure he'd move out in a month or so, then you'd be by urself, and then ull give me the "I want to do me, be single", and go play the field and hang out with friends-- which would be another 4-5 months of me sitting on the side waiting for her...no thanks So, yeah to hell with it, at least now I know, it was all only one sided- the love was just mine, and i am left feeling more empty that I could have ever imagined. This is why they call it a re-run folks. Lesson learned....
Author KennyD Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) I recently came back on here, just to see what I wrote. An update, 2 years later: I have not dated anybody since. Although I do not think of her like I used to write, I do get random images or the past out of nowhere. I can say, this one really put a lasting hurt on me. Now, I don't think of just her-- now she is just another name in the book of past heartbreak. Although I have found myself a new hobby, and work a bunch-- I still feel a void from that relationship. I have avoided pretty much any potential dates. I am a homebody to begin with, so "going out" was never really my thing. Gone are the days of such sorrow like I had displayed in the beginning of this thread. Now just a reminder of what never to do again (I guess that's a moral victory...) with a person in that situation. --------------------- Current day: Had a girl friend of mine move in, she was in some tough times from a divorce. Now we rented our own home, strictly platonic.... She is my best friend, and I am able to fight any feelings for her because I don't want this to happen again. Although, I do find myself a little jealous if she is out with another guy-- I just tell myself "Kenny, do you really want to have to move out, if you were to ever tell her?". That pretty much snaps me out of it. I just remember what happened 2 years ago, and I don't take the risk. Besides, we get along fine....why turn this into a relationship or even worse, sex-- I know the horror stories with involving roommates. We pay the bills, get along fine....why complicate things? I do think of the girl who I posted originally, but it is pretty negative. In fact, I have avoided her since the last post. Got rid of the facebook years ago-- To this day, I have never heard from her. I will always remember that pain that came from this. At least it's clear- She never felt the same. Sure, I survived-- but at a hit to my heart and head. A lasting memory, lest we forget. Closure was never really brought to me, but accepted through actions. Edited October 16, 2013 by KennyD 1
RoseNThorns Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Hello Kenny - Appreciating the fact that you did not mind choosing a girl with a kid. That just shows that you never tried to judge her past and was able to embrace her. I can understand the frustration you are in because this is the second time you have given a chance and it did not work out cuz she was double timing. I know it is pretty unfair. But life is such that, who said it is going to be fair? If you ask me, I have never cheated on my boyfriend or double-timed, but all I get from is false accusations on my character due to minor misunderstandings. I cried days/nights/years together begging/explaining things to him, but all he resulted was in more and more doubt. I sometimes even tried to kill myself because I was unable to bear it. But what we need to think is, is it really worth? Let me tell you Kenny, I've thought love to be just a feeling. But it is much more than that. One of the hardest lesson I learnt is, love is more of self respect, respect for the other person, companionship, understanding and mutual trust. I know it takes a bigger heart to forgive when you love and am sure you are such a great person that you do not mind forgiving her one more time and giving it a chance. You need a similar person in your life who appreciates such good qualities and love the person as they are(with positives and negatives). The pain you are inflicting on yourself is just your mind which combines both memory(past) and fear of future(imagination). Try to focus your energies on the present moment and NOTHING ELSE. Be grateful for what you have. Do not wallow in self-pity. You are such a great person and we all here care about your well-being. You can do so much, you've got such a kind heart. Keep improving on yourself. Go to gym, catch up with family and friends. Try to change your job. Don't see her or talk to her for few months. You need go to any other relationship. Let the higher power guide you as you leave this decision to him. Imagine if you have to re-born tomorrow and had to live all over again.. Do not allow you to SUFFER. Whatever has to happen, its all for our good. Hope this helps. Love, RoseNThorns.
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