jlola Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Intersting quote from another thread. Is affair love deeper than regular relationships? If so why do you think that is? Flabbergaster wrote "Read the stories of others, here. You might start to see a pattern...all of us feel this is the deepest love ever. Hmmm...coincidence...or just the feeling that happens in an affair?"
thomasb Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Intersting quote from another thread. Is affair love deeper than regular relationships? If so why do you think that is? Flabbergaster wrote "Read the stories of others, here. You might start to see a pattern...all of us feel this is the deepest love ever. Hmmm...coincidence...or just the feeling that happens in an affair?" Deepest love... Hell no! there was no love involved with my affair at all, and looking back, it only makes me feel sick about myself! Deepest love...Ha Ha.
wheelwright Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Intersting quote from another thread. Is affair love deeper than regular relationships? If so why do you think that is? Flabbergaster wrote "Read the stories of others, here. You might start to see a pattern...all of us feel this is the deepest love ever. Hmmm...coincidence...or just the feeling that happens in an affair?" I don't think A love is deeper. I do think it is more fraught, and that may add to intensity at times. I think people love. That can happen in an A or a LTR. And it can not happen in these two types of Rs. Most great books written on the subject of love point to how circumstances meant that in one way or another that love was tragic. I believe a number of As happen because the M/WS are messed up. And I believe a number of love As end for the same reason. I believe love is unmistakable and only a fool would let it go without good reason. William Blake (poet, painter, etc.) lived his life cherishing his long and extremely happy M. He also felt and expressed that M for some people can be living in chains. He saw both sides. People on LS point to an intense and love filled R with their MP. Just as OPs/WSs do. I don't see any difference. Love is love. Whatever your circumstances.
Leto Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I think that it is not so much deeper as it is intense. The highs are so much higher. The lows are so much lower. Those in itself make the affair so different than any other relationship. I think love is love the only difference is your perception of it.
ladydesigner Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I think that it is not so much deeper as it is intense. The highs are so much higher. The lows are so much lower. Those in itself make the affair so different than any other relationship. I think love is love the only difference is your perception of it. Yes I agree with the bolded, and I believe it is these extreme highs and lows that give A's that addictive quality. Addictive love is not a very healthy love.
AuthenticBliss Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I don't understand how it could be the deepest love ever, but hidden from the rest of the world. The man I love, everyone knows it. Who is TJ?
TurboGirl Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Yes I agree with the bolded, and I believe it is these extreme highs and lows that give A's that addictive quality. Addictive love is not a very healthy love. Agreed.... and in an Affair it is only but the best! Ohhh and the ups and downs, I had enough of that. I think the drama of it all can be extremely addicting. While I can completely sympathize with those in an A, I don't think I will go there again. The pain of the break up was so very great, I couldn't work for 3 days... had to stay in bed... I am SO GLAD that I stayed with my nice steady husband who loves me and is there for me no matter what. I appreciate him so much more.
wheelwright Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Agreed.... and in an Affair it is only but the best! Ohhh and the ups and downs, I had enough of that. I think the drama of it all can be extremely addicting. While I can completely sympathize with those in an A, I don't think I will go there again. The pain of the break up was so very great, I couldn't work for 3 days... had to stay in bed... I am SO GLAD that I stayed with my nice steady husband who loves me and is there for me no matter what. I appreciate him so much more. Just a thought, that if it was the drama you were addicted to, there might not have been much love there? Or any at all?
Stung Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I tend to agree with an above poster who said that typical affair love can be more 'fraught': fraught with danger, uncertainty, roller-coaster highs and lows, all those exciting, addictive, dramatic things that many people are drawn to. Those things can lend intensity to any relationship, but I wouldn't call the love itself deeper as if it were more real, more lasting, or more important. If the pain upon breakup is being used as some kind of barometer--and I'll go on record as saying I don't think that's the best or only barometer-- I have loved and lost and felt it deeply enough that I couldn't get out of bed or work for days also, and there was no affair scenario involved there. I'm pretty sure that losing my wonderful, nice, steady husband would just about kill me. It would be like my world was torn in half. By contrast, when I ended things with my MM many years ago, I legitimately hurt and felt depressed and confused, but I also knew that at least some of the turmoil I felt was due to a heavy mix of guilt, anger, wounded ego, and drama withdrawal.
Amour7 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 My R has felt like the deepest, most intimate love. The physical chemistry has been unparalleled, but what is really significant to me is how connected we have been emotionally. We were two people with some deep wounds and needs to be loved who locked into each other. I wonder if the people who are predisposed to have affairs share that in common. I am now to the point where I know I need to end this, yet the intensity of the emotions we have shared make it seem impossible to let go of.
silktricks Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I don't think you can say that love is deeper by virtue of it being illicit. I think the depth of love depends upon the people IN love.
OWoman Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I don't think you can say that love is deeper by virtue of it being illicit. I think the depth of love depends upon the people IN love. Agree completely.
Emme Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 When you say deepest you might be referirng to people letting their inhibitions go and just being themselves. That's one thing I noticed, me being more free. Often times in relationships people hide who they truly are to keep up apperances and with the other person you are just who they see. It's like all your flaws are known and they still adore you for you. Not sure if you'll get what I'm saying but deepest in that term is how I think of it.
findingnemo Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Intersting quote from another thread. Is affair love deeper than regular relationships? If so why do you think that is? Flabbergaster wrote "Read the stories of others, here. You might start to see a pattern...all of us feel this is the deepest love ever. Hmmm...coincidence...or just the feeling that happens in an affair?" For me, my deepest love has been for the same person at first in a regular R and then a PA, and now an EA. But I think that the intensity of love depends on the people involved (how expressive are they) and the circumstances. With As there's more drama and because of the forbidden nature of things, more intensity. But one thing As lack is depth.
jj33 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Deepest love... Hell no! there was no love involved with my affair at all, and looking back, it only makes me feel sick about myself! Deepest love...Ha Ha. Thomas your posts always make me sad for you. To think that you violated your own values and risked your marriage for something you now very forcefully state was not important to you. If that was the case and it wasnt about love I always wonder why did you do it? I mean she didnt kidnap you and force you to have sex with her did she?
woinlove Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 If that was the case and it wasnt about love I always wonder why did you do it? I mean she didnt kidnap you and force you to have sex with her did she? Your question intriques me. Do you think many people fall in love unaware of what is happening rather being aware that they feel a spark or an attraction with someone and decide to pursue that? My impression is that most MM/MW who have affairs decide to pursue things with someone other than their spouse. Sometimes they then fall in love and sometimes they don't. But isn't the decision made before there is real love there?
thomasb Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Thomas your posts always make me sad for you. To think that you violated your own values and risked your marriage for something you now very forcefully state was not important to you. If that was the case and it wasnt about love I always wonder why did you do it? I mean she didnt kidnap you and force you to have sex with her did she? No, she was at a house party we had. I had been drinking. Alot. It ended and my DW headed to work. The OW was still in the pool. I was asleep in a lawn chair. OW climbed out of the pool... and her suit. Afterwards I stupidly figured I had already lost my wife because how in the world could she ever forgive me? I had no clue how strong my wife is as well as beautiful. When it made me sick enough to confess a few weeks later, she did just that. Thank the good Lord.
ljcoburn Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Intersting quote from another thread. Is affair love deeper than regular relationships? If so why do you think that is? Flabbergaster wrote "Read the stories of others, here. You might start to see a pattern...all of us feel this is the deepest love ever. Hmmm...coincidence...or just the feeling that happens in an affair?" Affairs are lust, lust and probably emotional connection you're not getting at home. LOVE is looking at a person, seeing all their faults, fighting the day to day trials with them, picking up after them, smelling their gas and still choosing to let them live. THAT"S LOVE
trinity1 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 No, she was at a house party we had. I had been drinking. Alot. It ended and my DW headed to work. The OW was still in the pool. I was asleep in a lawn chair. OW climbed out of the pool... and her suit. Afterwards I stupidly figured I had already lost my wife because how in the world could she ever forgive me? I had no clue how strong my wife is as well as beautiful. When it made me sick enough to confess a few weeks later, she did just that. Thank the good Lord. No wonder you didn't feel any love then. It was a drunken one night stand. I understand. That kind of mistakes do make you feel sick about yourself.
wheelwright Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Affairs are lust, lust and probably emotional connection you're not getting at home. LOVE is looking at a person, seeing all their faults, fighting the day to day trials with them, picking up after them, smelling their gas and still choosing to let them live. THAT"S LOVE The things you define as love I could feel for a down and out in the street. Who I had known for a week. And that is a kind of love. But it's more charitable/embracing than romantic.
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 I don't understand how it could be the deepest love ever, but hidden from the rest of the world. The man I love, everyone knows it. Who is TJ? TJ = Thread Jack.
wheelwright Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Your question intriques me. Do you think many people fall in love unaware of what is happening rather being aware that they feel a spark or an attraction with someone and decide to pursue that? My impression is that most MM/MW who have affairs decide to pursue things with someone other than their spouse. Sometimes they then fall in love and sometimes they don't. But isn't the decision made before there is real love there? I think what you say is true because you have to follow an attraction to at least a point of emotional intimacy before you know for sure if your attraction is love based. Otherwise it may be infatuation or mere insanity. Only something reciprocated is love in a way that might be important. But I think the teasers, the things that make it seem worth the risk of your heart, are an early stage of love. If you even know real love is possible with another person you have met, you are deeply involved. And that feeling is invigorating. Difficult not to pursue. Someone you know you could have it with in a big way. It feels important. Maybe it is.
OWoman Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Your question intriques me. Do you think many people fall in love unaware of what is happening rather being aware that they feel a spark or an attraction with someone and decide to pursue that? My impression is that most MM/MW who have affairs decide to pursue things with someone other than their spouse. Sometimes they then fall in love and sometimes they don't. But isn't the decision made before there is real love there? I think this depends on the A and how it started. Many As start out as friendships, which deepen into EAs and it is only once the APs admit to each other that they love each other in a transgressive way that it moves on to being a PA (if it does). It's not as if - in those cases - they make the decision to pursue an attraction, and then fall in love. They fall in love with a friend, and then pursue the attraction which somehow feels as if it snuck up on them unawares. Other As follow the pattern you suggest, but certainly not all.
ljcoburn Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 The things you define as love I could feel for a down and out in the street. Who I had known for a week. And that is a kind of love. But it's more charitable/embracing than romantic. I can see your point there. I was trying to express that love isn't really about the attraction you feel for another person. I think the two things get confused pretty often. When you get to really know someone, and that is something that can only happen over time, that is when True Love develops. It stops being about the chemistry between two people and starts being about who the person is. The affair is giving a person what is lacking in the marriage. But that excitement fades just like it did with your spouse and when it does your left with the day to day personality traits of the person. It's easy to say your "in love" with someone when the two of you aren't struggleing to pay a mortgage and run a household together.
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