depplover_1980 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) Well I mentioned I've called things off with the new guy I was seeing as I need to spend time alone and strengthening myself - I could already feel myself being pulled into that relationship vacuum, way too much too soon as we'd only been togehter for 2 weeks!! He keeps texting me how awful he feels and trying to negotiate with me. I heard banging on my door earlier to see him walking back to his car with a massive bouquet of flowers - he'd driven the 25 miles to try to talk to me. Thank goodness I didn't answer. I feel dreadful. Though part of me thinks it is him with the problem, as he seems overly attached and I cannot be accountable for any problems he had coming into seeing me. But it is not a nice feeling, I like to help people in life, not make them feel s h i t. I've never dumped anyone in my life until now!! Edited March 4, 2011 by depplover_1980
TakeMeasIam Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Why 'called off'? Why not just "cooled it a bit"....?
GreenPolicy Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 To him, it looks like you called things off out of the blue and without warning when things seemed to be going so well. He is understandably hurt and upset.
Gossamer Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 and, depp, it is hard to feel responsible for someone else's growth/ life experience/emotional life, no matter how you reject them. I think what you did, by being honest with him, is so much more respectful than the ways in which most of us on here have been discarded. My most recent ex also became attached very quickly. He told me he fell for me on our first date. I want to tell you something very important: if I had been in a more secure place in my life when I got involved with my last boyfriend, I most likely would have had the wherewithall to put our relationship either on hold, slow it down, or break up, because we were merging way too fast and I felt smothered a lot of the time. His fast attachment didn't prevent me from falling ass-over-teakettle-in-love with him. But your story kind of echoes mine last year, where I could have done what you did a few weeks or months into my last relationship, taken honest inventory of what I needed to work on in my own life. Relationships that begin on a very fast track of emotional interdependency become shaky eventually, if one party begins to crave their independence again. This was the biggest struggle and source of fighting/resentments between my last ex and I, that he didn't "give" me the freedom I needed and wanted. And he acknowledged this. Perhaps after some time and distance, you might revisit a relationship with this bouquet-bringing fellow, and negotiate slowing things down and making sure that you are in charge of your independent needs and not letting the relationship overtake your life. I really wanted to be engulfed in the love of my ex, but it came at a very high cost. You recognize this, at an early stage. I suggest that if you feel that you did not let him down gently enough, if you feel you could have been more compassionate, that you either write him, phone him or see him, and have a more reassuring sort of closure discussion. Just so that you don't walk around feeling like you punched this guys nuts into his body cavity. I don't know the details of how you ended it, but if you feel at any point as though you could have done it better, you might want to think about redoing some of it once you're not in "flight" mode. I don't know if any of this is useful, but the big, big upside is that you're a very caring person, and even with a kid gloves break up, you care, and so you're bound to feel horrible. The upside being that one of the hardest things in this life to do is to maintain your identity and independence while developing and maintaining intimacies. You're feeling bad because you had to make a hard choice in what you viewed to be badly-timed relationship beginning. But it would feel so so so much worse months down the road when you were building a life together and realized that you needed your independent time. Most people choose the latter...sticking it out and maybe innocently stringing someone else along. You had more personal awareness, depp. It's better that you were honest with yourself, and honest with him now, vs. months later... ...so many of us here with very deep wounds are the ones who were strung along by exes who needed the very personal time you are seeking, now. xoxooxoxoxo /Goss Well I mentioned I've called things off with the new guy I was seeing as I need to spend time alone and strengthening myself - I could already feel myself being pulled into that relationship vacuum, way too much too soon as we'd only been togehter for 2 weeks!! He keeps texting me how awful he feels and trying to negotiate with me. I heard banging on my door earlier to see him walking back to his car with a massive bouquet of flowers - he'd driven the 25 miles to try to talk to me. Thank goodness I didn't answer. I feel dreadful. Though part of me thinks it is him with the problem, as he seems overly attached and I cannot be accountable for any problems he had coming into seeing me. But it is not a nice feeling, I like to help people in life, not make them feel s h i t. I've never dumped anyone in my life until now!!
Author depplover_1980 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Well we fell out over something simple on Weds and he sulked for nearly 24 hours about it. Big warning signs really - bear in mind we've only physically spent 3 dates together. I am genuinely taken aback by how hurt he is claiming to be. I did a thread on the powers of counselling yesterday, which explains how I'm feeling in full- this is also to do with not being completely over my ex. I just hope he leaves me in peace now.
Author depplover_1980 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) Crossed posts Gossamer. Thank your for your support; anyone that knows me from writing on here understands that I am a caring person and I do feel bad about his upset, though I am equally as surprised by it. I knew I had to call it off now - it would have been all too easy to use him for personal comfort and needs, then break it off when the suffocation literally became too much. As for the nature of the break, he understands fully the reasons I have done this but he does not agree with them. This highlights perhaps we are not compatible anyway so again it saves heartbreak. Realistically I think it's anyones right to be able to break off a relationship in the very early dating stages and not be harrassed - is this not why we date? If everyone went head first into serious partnerships there would be a lot of 'dumping' going on. Edited March 4, 2011 by depplover_1980
Gossamer Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 ...or 2 months for that matter, those are early stages. It sounds like he has control issues. Perhaps boundary issues. I think be firm if he persists in being pissy or trying to change your mind. At this point I'd be "icked" if it was a relationship of very short duration and the dood was being insistent. Crossed posts Gossamer. Thank your for your support; anyone that knows me from writing on here understands that I am a caring person and I do feel bad about his upset, though I am equally as surprised by it. I knew I had to call it off now - it would have been all too easy to use him for personal comfort and needs, then break it off when the suffocation literally became too much. As for the nature of the break, he understands fully the reasons I have done this but he does not agree with them. This highlights perhaps we are not compatible anyway so again it saves heartbreak. Realistically I think it's anyones right to be able to break off a relationship in the very early dating stages and not be harrassed - is this not why we date? If everyone went head first into serious partnerships there would be a lot of 'dumping' going on.
Author depplover_1980 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Goss I've just collected my flowers from next door, they are beautiful. There is a letter attached to them and it's brought a tear to my eye - he really does see me for who I am and it's reminded me I do have feelings for him. But I am strong and the bigger picture in my life is more important right now and that was what my instinct told me, so that is what I should go with.
SunsetRed Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 OP, you are doing the right thing to follow your gut instinct. Never ignore that. Its good that you ended things with this new guy NOW instead of later. If he's getting clingy and overly attached now, imagine how he'd be later. He may have become a fatal attraction/stalker type person. You do seem like a kind person and you are actually doing the kind thing by letting him go now, instead of letting this drag out and dumping him later after he'd already invested more time and effort into you. When you know in your heart that sooner or later that you're going to have to let go of him, its better to do it sooner than later.
hopeful4someday Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Well I mentioned I've called things off with the new guy I was seeing as I need to spend time alone and strengthening myself - I could already feel myself being pulled into that relationship vacuum, way too much too soon as we'd only been togehter for 2 weeks!! He keeps texting me how awful he feels and trying to negotiate with me. I heard banging on my door earlier to see him walking back to his car with a massive bouquet of flowers - he'd driven the 25 miles to try to talk to me. Thank goodness I didn't answer. I feel dreadful. Though part of me thinks it is him with the problem, as he seems overly attached and I cannot be accountable for any problems he had coming into seeing me. But it is not a nice feeling, I like to help people in life, not make them feel s h i t. I've never dumped anyone in my life until now!! @Depp, It's scary sometimes with guys and us. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be freaked out, but I've had a suicidal ex before and a stalker who just couldn't take no. He sent me flowers, then stalked me home, the slashed my tires, then kept turning up at work when I worked alone. On one hand, and when I think about my future relationships, I want a guy who is just that committed to "us". I've heard from guys that they know right away if that's how they feel, and so it's not entirely surprising that after three dates he'd be obsessing over you. On the other hand, it's terrifying because that level of closeness after such a brief period of knowing each other sort of screams "dangerous psycho". Loudly. If the guy can't handle that you're dumping him after a handful of dates and two weeks of knowing him, what's it going to look like in 3 years if you decide it's still not the right fit? I really don't know how to handle the grey area between a guy who might really love you and is demonstrating the potential to commit and a guy who might kill you in your sleep because he's afraid to lose you. This is probably why I wind up in relationships with guys who don't care, because I find their stability comforting. At any rate, I can fully appreciate the need for alone-ness. I thought I was ready to date a week after the breakup, and it turns out I really, REALLY find myself needing space and time to fall back in love with myself before I let anyone else fall in love with me. As crappy as it might seem to be the dumper, if he's really a possibility, he'll understand that you need the space, and if he's not, then he'll be better off not having his hopes up for no reason. I'm almost always the dumper, and I know it really does hurt. It hurts to wound someone emotionally and to feel responsible for some aspect of their happiness. That being said, in my first relationship I refused to dump for years because I didn't think he was emotionally strong enough to handle it, and the hole I dug was a hundred times worse what a swift dumping would have been. My biggest regret from that relationship was that I let it go on as long as it did because I didn't want to hurt him. So tough as it is, if you're being honest with yourself and what you need, you did the right thing.
LostMyHeart Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Depp - I love reading your threads...and I hope you find what you truly are looking for. I had your strength once...I wound up with the wrong man for 15 years...found the right one later but the timing was off and I had to let him go. Life is short..my exH said that when he left..he is happy...don't let life pass you by..but don't settle. I'd have left my ex-a** a long time ago for happy..probably should have.
spackle Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 how does the fact that we all progress relationships at different rate = someone being too needy, too clingly too soon. I imagine we're all met someone and very quickly fell for them, if we feel we just click then the relationship timetable in our heads starts to speed up.
broken-and-lost Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Goss I've just collected my flowers from next door, they are beautiful. There is a letter attached to them and it's brought a tear to my eye - he really does see me for who I am and it's reminded me I do have feelings for him. But I am strong and the bigger picture in my life is more important right now and that was what my instinct told me, so that is what I should go with. Your probably just not ready yet hun, and your following your head nothing wrong with that seeing as you have only been on a few dates, if he is so attached so quickly there maybe some issues from a previous relationship so your red flags attitude is probably right. stay strong
marqueemoon4 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 yea thats definitely too much, too soon. that would scare away almost any woman.
Rose T Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 On one hand, and when I think about my future relationships, I want a guy who is just that committed to "us". I've heard from guys that they know right away if that's how they feel, and so it's not entirely surprising that after three dates he'd be obsessing over you. On the other hand, it's terrifying because that level of closeness after such a brief period of knowing each other sort of screams "dangerous psycho". Loudly. If the guy can't handle that you're dumping him after a handful of dates and two weeks of knowing him, what's it going to look like in 3 years if you decide it's still not the right fit? My impression is that your instincts are NEVER wrong. Never. It's that straight forward. Hopeful4, my recent ex (who cheated and left after nearly five years) fell hard and fast for me. The first year was very intense, me trying to set the pace and not really succeeding. It's not always and perhaps not very often a great sign when they're so immediately into you that they transfer their need for happiness onto you in this way. As I found out, when my ex was unhappy, he also blamed this on me and cheated to resolve the issue. As usual, it's a question of balance, but a guy who gets too heavy too fast in future will be a red flag for me. I love high-interest, passion, and commitment, but there are times when obsession is more linked to their ego than to really respecting you and valuing you, you know?
Ajax Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I don't know if you're interested in a male perspective, but I'm interested in your thread. And I also have to say you did the right thing. As someone who's been dumped after having become attached to someone, I much would have rather been left early than be led on as I was. As much as the pain of severing an emotional connection, we menfolk also can become bitter if we feel that our time was intentionally wasted. Everyone has some doubts when dealing with a new relationship, but even after two weeks, if you were feeling the way you were it was a sign. He'll feel bad for a bit, but he'll be OK. Unless he really is crazy... but then that's not your fault either
marqueemoon4 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades.. its ALWAYS easier to be the dumper. ALWAYS.
Author depplover_1980 Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks for the support and feedback from all. I feel a little better today, I rang him this morning and explained to him fully my personal situation and I believe he understands it a little more now; he is still wounded I believe from his last major relationship. He was with a women who had left her husband for him, but she kept ending it to go back to her husband so he immediately panicked again, which explained his strong emotional reaction. We are on good terms. Mixed 28 - that is funny. I can handle it if he shows up here, but he won't... will he? Spackle - interesting question. Yes people progress at different rates but some things are almost universal truths and being emotionally overbearing on another person after 3 dates IS too clingy and needy and would immediately highlight an incompatibility. Of course it would work if the other person is also clingy and needy. If most people took their time before fully giving their hearts, there would be far less heartache long term - love, or thinking you're in love can make you very blind to the reality of the person and situation. Rose - I am never wrong am I? It is quite a gift and now I am using it more and more and finally in my own life!! Ajax - I always appreciate a male perspective. I am a very unisex person and have a good understanding of the male mind. FINALLY Marque I agree that being dumped is far more a severe onslaught, but I wanted to share that being the dumper is not plain sailing. Infact I cried for a good ten minutes in the middle of the night, though us dumpees may cry for ten hours!!
marqueemoon4 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 well, unlike a lot of dumpers you have a heart and a conscience. I say this as a PI is staking out my stbx who is out on the town with her new bf while I'm watching our son.
Author depplover_1980 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Sorry what is stbx so I can appreciate what's going on? Have I commented on your story before? It must be very painful and confusing having to look after your son while she is out with a new lover, in the sense that you love him so much but I expect you feel an air of resentment about it. Not nice. Let me know if you want to chat. well, unlike a lot of dumpers you have a heart and a conscience. I say this as a PI is staking out my stbx who is out on the town with her new bf while I'm watching our son.
marqueemoon4 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Sorry what is stbx so I can appreciate what's going on? Have I commented on your story before? It must be very painful and confusing having to look after your son while she is out with a new lover, in the sense that you love him so much but I expect you feel an air of resentment about it. Not nice. Let me know if you want to chat. soon to be ex wife an air of resentment? thats an understatement. loooong story. its ok she has sunk herself.
Mixed28 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 3 months, 3 years or 3 decades.. its ALWAYS easier to be the dumper. ALWAYS. Hell yeah it is. Getting dumped was terrible. My God one of the worst feelings in the world and my situation does not even compare to yours or many others. I had a good break up (drama free) although she started talking two a new guy 2 weeks later which sucked but at least I didn't get cheated on or worse...I can't even imagine your situation or a long term relationship ending. My longest was 2 months and it hurt like hell.
Author depplover_1980 Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 soon to be ex wife an air of resentment? thats an understatement. loooong story. its ok she has sunk herself. Hey no. I meant towards your son, as even though you love him, the poor mite is stuck in the middle. I can imagine there is a HUGE resentment towards her!! Big hugs and kisses to you. x
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