SarcasticBlonde Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I've been dating this girl for about 1.5 years. She is 19 with a 5 year old. When I met her she was a bit "large", I looked past it, but as the relationship when on I made began hinting she should loose weight. When she continued to get larger I straight out told her she need to loose weight, she didn't take it so well. Any way months later she still has little or no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. Im quite skinny and like to be active, spend time out doors. I've opened my home to this 19 year old single mother and her child. I'm willing to give her a new career at my father's business that will double her current earnings. She's working a crap job making 10 something an hour right now. Is it wrong for me to ask her to "diet and exercise do a little cooking and cleaning once i a while" Wouldn't most women in her position kill for an opportunity like this? Ok TOOL, learn how to spell certain words before demanding this poor girl "loose" weight. LOSE is the correct spelling. I hope this woman gets some courage soon and leaves you. You don't deserve her.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Is this a joke? She finds a guy who she is still together with after she cheated on him, who takes care of cooking, cleaning, her kid and her career and lets her live in his house while she herself is too lazy to stay in shape or clean up after herself, and you say she deserves someone better? In what universe does this make sense? And if this girl deserves someone better than the op, then does that mean every girl deserves someone better than the op, since we've heard a huge bias towards negative characteristics of this girl? I'm not trying to be a troll or anything, I just fail to see how you* could possibly think this guy is not good enough for that girl. From his op I read he even tried to tell her in a non offending way by hinting at it at first, and only told her directly after she ignored him. Note that I'm glad we all agree on a breakup. *you as in yourself and what seems to be every other female poster in this thread This guy completely threw his gf under a bus because she gained some weight? Please! There is no opportunity there for her aside from one to be regularly emotionally abused and all of the housework in the world won't make up for that! Should people be healthy? Yes. In fact I will bet all if the doughnuts in the world that OP's gf wants to be healthy too but that OP has set up a really nice conflict in the relationship that she is kicking against. Typically friend don't say to friends that they could do much better unless the person in the relationship is complaining and wailing about their SO. Maybe if OP let it be known really clearly that he loves her first and foremost and thinks that she is really special to him, then maybe he could even begin to address the behavioral part of the relationship without directly assaulting her character, which he has done so bluntly here. His first post was more reflective of her physical state then the ones following. It is pretty damn clear that he has shamed the Hell out of her to try to get her to change. Pretty sad really. The second you start assaulting your SO's character and shaming them, then you really aren't relationship material, no matter how good of a catch you think you might be. I hope the gf finds someone with more respect for her and then she might start to work out all of those other issues. Furthermore if OP doesn't want to do all of the housework, then he should stop overfunctioning in that department and let her know that he is stopping. He won't do her personal laundry anymore for instance, or he won't clean the downstairs bathroom and yes she'll test him but eventually it us most likely that she'll come around.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Yeah OP, you can't fix her and you should stop trying, seriously. Your behaviors sound extremely co-dependent, like your own self-esteem is somewhat dependent is what your SO is doing or being. The level of control you have tried to enact over this scenario is ridiculous, including the fact that you are embarrassed to introduce her to friends and family. What she is or isn't is NOT your responsibility nor under your control. Bribing her and pushing her to be fixed up is only going to do severe damage. In fact at the age she is, it will probably do some long-term damage to her self-esteem. You have given away your own personal power by deciding that your relationship is only worth it if the other person produces the desired results, and by actually stripping away her personal choices. I will try to reframe this for you: if my H ( who is someone I shamed for a long time about his own issue) told me that I was just a fat slob and that I have fat going over my belt etc. That would cause me to feel ashamed, embarrassed and unloved. The reaction that would produce is me either deciding "I am a ****ty person." or "wow, he's a ****ty person for talking to me like that." not any motivation, not any action, no reward. Just: one of us must be ****ty. If the ****ty person is me, then I get depressed and loathe myself a little more. If the ****ty person is him (and I stay in the relationship) I may become passive-aggressive and much my way through six doughnuts. The proper way to address this issue is to discover some literature on conflict-resolution in general AND encourage a BEHAVIORAL change. Not a results-based change. Do not take care of everything for her anymore. Not harshly, not "see you lazy ass, I am not picking up your ****ing socks anymore, do it yourself." You say "I have decided that I am not going to do both of our housework anymore, I will do x y and z but that's it because it cuts into my time to (read a book on having a stable relationship, for instance) and it really isn't fair to both of us. Maybe after we are done cleaning we can go out for a date night." It forces her to make a choice ( and yes she will test you and push and pull and maybe even cry, hold to the change). As for the weight, you invite her to work out with you and make it really clear that it is to have that relational bond with her. Everything is about building the relationship. Point out that it is healthy for couples to work out together. Small. Incremental. Changes. With incentives. All you have shown this woman is that you are disappointed in her and that she isn't worthy. You are also taking her weight problem very very personally when there is an incredibly good chance that she isn't happy herself. Check out CBT for Dummies if you get the chance. Also why did you end up doing the vast majority of the housework? Don't tell me what age did that "made" you, tell why you chose to do that. It is up to you after all.
PurpleReign Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 You have control issues. A difference of 10 years in age isn't as big as we get older, but how much most of us will change or have changed from 19 to 29 is HUGE. She's 10 years younger, She doesn't work (was that all her choice?), She has low self-esteem, Her weight enables you to belittle her without fear that she will leave YOU, She has a child she's unable to support by herself and needs your financial help for that. You obviously have a NEED to control. Why else would you have gotten with someone you believe is so totally BENEATH you?
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 And it is also pertinent that this is a girl had a baby at FOURTEEN years old! And the OP, if the timeline is correct, got together with her when she was SEVENTEEN and he was TWENTY-SEVEN. He thinks women "like her" "would kill for an opportunity" like the one he is giving her. Unhealthiness oozes. Her weight is probably the least of its manifestations.
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 It's actually a pretty normal manifestation of wardenship after someone's partner cheats and they remain together. But this relationship had and has all the markings of a train wreck happening or waiting to happen.
Gypsy_Soul Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Yes it's wrong to ask her to lose weight now. In the beginning, you shouldn't have gotten mixed up with her if you don't like extra or excessive pounds. No one should get involved with someone and then try to change them. Take them as they are or leave them. Take me for instance, I'm not attracted to people that have negative addictions or are druggies. I am not going to go and start a relationship with someone that does drugs and then tell them they need to stop. Get real.
bac Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 She is too too young for that. The things that you want her to do are difficult even for mature, motivated adults. It also depends on your age. If you are much older than she is, she might think that you are kind of defective as well. Therefore, she thinks it is a fair deal because you should be thankful that a 19 y.o is living with you.
Linda9999 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I totally agree that the additional things not indicated in this thread make her sound like she needs ditching, FAST. Going just by what was posted here, though, we really have no idea HOW big she is. Of course obesity is a problem. Of course those affected are putting their health at risk. Maybe it is an addiction. But the OP's attitude isn't going to do a thing towards helping this girl - in fact it will do the opposite. Alcoholics don't get help by someone constantly making them feel like ***** for drinking - they get help because THEY want to. Someone can do an intervention, but in the long run it won't stick if the person isn't ready to change. And an intervention isn't what the OP wants to do - he wants to belittle and berate the girl rather than put any effort into helping her.
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