4jms Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I've been dating this girl for about 1.5 years. She is 19 with a 5 year old. When I met her she was a bit "large", I looked past it, but as the relationship when on I made began hinting she should loose weight. When she continued to get larger I straight out told her she need to loose weight, she didn't take it so well. Any way months later she still has little or no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. Im quite skinny and like to be active, spend time out doors. I've opened my home to this 19 year old single mother and her child. I'm willing to give her a new career at my father's business that will double her current earnings. She's working a crap job making 10 something an hour right now. Is it wrong for me to ask her to "diet and exercise do a little cooking and cleaning once i a while" Wouldn't most women in her position kill for an opportunity like this?
SmileFace Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Yes but it won't hurt to encourage her to start. I mean don't tell her but how about you guys start doing active things together, eating healthy together... you know
Phateless Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) I've been dating this girl for about 1.5 years. She is 19 with a 5 year old. When I met her she was a bit "large", I looked past it, but as the relationship when on I made began hinting she should loose weight. When she continued to get larger I straight out told her she need to loose weight, she didn't take it so well. Any way months later she still has little or no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. Im quite skinny and like to be active, spend time out doors. I've opened my home to this 19 year old single mother and her child. I'm willing to give her a new career at my father's business that will double her current earnings. She's working a crap job making 10 something an hour right now. Is it wrong for me to ask her to "diet and exercise do a little cooking and cleaning once i a while" Wouldn't most women in her position kill for an opportunity like this? She has to want it for herself, you can't convince her to do it. Try to be encouraging and suggesting you guys do outdoor activities together. Go on walks, hiking, biking, DANCING (swing and salsa!), climbing, etc. Start by doing the shopping and cooking yourself just to get her adjusted to a healthy lifestyle. Throw out all the crap food. Unfortunately it sounds like she's sending a clear message that this is the way she is, so if you're not attracted to her you should leave her and find someone active. I think she would make a better friend for you than a girlfriend. As for your original question - no there's nothing unreasonable about expecting her to stay healthy and active. Have you asked her how she would feel if you became fat? Edited March 4, 2011 by Phateless
Star_Bright Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 You talk about her more like she's a project than someone you really love. You met her when she was large, so you must have loved someone about her enough to not let that bother you enough to not date her. Now you have moved her in and helped care for her child I presume and helped her get a job but you are still bothered by the "large" issue? Large may just be who she is. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves, and if you put more pressure on her, she will likely just resent you. Encouragment and support are one thing but she has to want it first, and from what you've written, she has never wanted to lose weight, not even in the beginning. She is who she is and you have to take her or leave her, not think she should change for you because you've invested things into her that any person who loves someone would invest. If it isn't working for you, end it. If you want to stay with her, realize she is likely not going to change, and accept her for who she is.
collegeguy_24 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 The thing you have to remember is that do not, under any circumstances, be confrontational. That will push her away and deal a real blow to her self-esteem. You have to remember that this is more then just what you want, which is her to be skinny. You have to take into account her own self esteem issues that could develop if you go about this the wrong way. But also like someone else on here said, if she doesn't want to lose weight, then you either accept her for who she is, or find someone else.
Olivia1966 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 You talk about her more like she's a project than someone you really love. This is exactly my thought. Also, it sounds like she's desperately unhappy. And, unfortunately, no matter how well-intentioned, your attempts to get her to straighten out her life won't make her happy. They probably just make her feel pressured.
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I've been dating this girl for about 1.5 years. She is 19 with a 5 year old. When I met her she was a bit "large", I looked past it, but as the relationship when on I made began hinting she should loose weight. When she continued to get larger I straight out told her she need to loose weight, she didn't take it so well. Any way months later she still has little or no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. Im quite skinny and like to be active, spend time out doors. I've opened my home to this 19 year old single mother and her child. I'm willing to give her a new career at my father's business that will double her current earnings. She's working a crap job making 10 something an hour right now. Is it wrong for me to ask her to "diet and exercise do a little cooking and cleaning once i a while" Wouldn't most women in her position kill for an opportunity like this? This approach is dangerously close to coming off like: "I do all this so you will feel obligated to do things I saw no evidence of you wanting to do" "You are not what I like but since you are operating under a lack of options, I figured I could change you into what I like if I did nice things for you. Since I'm doing nice things for you - you OWE me" Does she not clean up after herself and the kid and cook a bit anyway? I could see that being frustrating. That isn't asking her to do something uncalled for. It is also not something that will cause much weight loss so I don't think the two are related. And no, not many people of either gender would kill to be in a relationship where anything good they get out of it makes them obligated to change who they are.
Jynxx Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I've opened my home to this 19 year old single mother and her child. I'm willing to give her a new career at my father's business that will double her current earnings. She's working a crap job making 10 something an hour right now. Is it wrong for me to ask her to "diet and exercise do a little cooking and cleaning once i a while" Well, asking the question is answering it - of course not! This relationship sounds very one-sided with you doing all the giving and she doing all the taking. If she's not willing to compromise on things that are more than fair then that should tell you all there is to know about the relationship.
Author 4jms Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) It just seems like I've made it clear for the past year she needs to lose weight and she still eats fattening foods. I asked her to eat slower, eat smaller portions, i buy an exercise machine but she's too tired to use it. Tired? she sits behind a computer all day! Im skinny,and constantly working on things, the only time i have to exercise with her would be weekends. I need to eat fattening foods. She just doesn't have the motivation and myself being extremely motivated - it drives me crazy. She can't keep up with her son and I. I can't enjoy the physical activities I'd like to because she gets tired after bicycling a half mile. Not to mention problems of sexual arousal or what about health problem in the future. I just dont understand how someone can let themselves develop a belly that hangs over your belt or fat that sags over your bra strap. Common get off your ass and stop eating so much what is so hard about that! I don't get it. I mean honestly how many guys want a broke ass girl who pumped out kid at age 14? I feel like Im offering her a great opportunity, all she has to do is diet and exercise, help me out a little around the house, thats it. Just look decent, be responsible. Is that too much to ask, really!? Edited March 4, 2011 by 4jms
collegeguy_24 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 It just seems like I've made it clear for the past year she needs to lose weight and she still eats fattening foods. I asked her to eat slower, eat smaller portions, i buy an exercise machine but she's too tired to use it. Tired? she sits behind a computer all day! Im skinny,and constantly working on things, the only time i have to exercise with her would be weekends. I need to eat fattening foods. She just doesn't have the motivation and myself being extremely motivated - it drives me crazy. She can't keep up with her son and I. I can't enjoy the physical activities I'd like to because she gets tired after bicycling a half mile. Not to mention problems of sexual arousal or what about health problem in the future. I just dont understand how someone can let themselves develop a belly that hangs over your belt or fat that sags over your bra strap. Common get off your ass and stop eating so much what is so hard about that! I don't get it. I mean honestly how many guys want a broke ass girl who pumped out kid at age 14? I feel like Im offering her a great opportunity, all she has to do is diet and exercise, help me out a little around the house, thats it. Just look decent, be responsible. Is that too much to ask, really!? Its not to much to ask for, your right on that. However if you insist on this, do not approach her in the manner like that which you posted above, it will only make you a jerk and she will refuse anyways. This requires a gentle approach.
Author 4jms Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 and she wouldnt have low self esteem if she wasnt fat for god sakes. Iam embarrassed to introduce her to my friends and family. People judge to quick. She 's a great girl inside but general response i get is "wow dude you could do so much better"
Linda9999 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 If you don't like her as she is then move one and leave her alone. It isn't up to you to judge someone else and try to make them conform to your ideal. All your hints are doing is making her feel inadequate and stressed, which probably makes her just eat more if she's an emotional eater. The pressure to be thin is placed on women by society enough - we don't need our SO's also pressuring us to be that way. I am sure she knows how she looks and what you think. Now leave her alone. Love her unconditionally or don't love her at all. The only result for her is liable to be an eating disorder if you don't lay off. When SHE is ready, she will do what is necessary to lose weight (It's LOSE, not LOOSE btw). If you are not able to deal with her being heavy, then you aren't the person for her.
Author 4jms Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Honestly Ive tried being nice and gentle, suggestive in the past and it didn't work now im being blunt.
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I mean honestly how many guys want a broke ass girl who pumped out kid at age 14? I feel like Im offering her a great opportunity, all she has to do is diet and exercise, help me out a little around the house, thats it. Just look decent, be responsible. Is that too much to ask, really!? Its a bad approach! You're basically saying I am doing charity work by being with you so you OWE ME. Who would feel good about being in that situation? Its not even about improving herself, you're taking that motivation right out of the mix for her by seeing it as something she has to do for your charity work. If she is so sucky in your eyes, why would she feel compelled to improving herself for you? It means her mind, her humor, her knowledge are nothing of worth to you unless she looks a particular way. It also implies that even if she looked a certain way you will still not appreciate those other aspects of her. It goes even further when you mention the kid and how young she was when she had him - these are not things she can diet away. So no matter what she looks like, she will always be seen as charity work to you and OWE YOU for being with even a thinner version of her. You're doing her harm just by being with her in spite of the good things you provide because you make it so ugly.
Jynxx Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I mean honestly how many guys want a broke ass girl who pumped out kid at age 14? I feel like Im offering her a great opportunity, all she has to do is diet and exercise, help me out a little around the house, thats it. Just look decent, be responsible. Is that too much to ask, really!? Again: no! And def not when looking at your other thread (op found proof she cheated on him). She's using you, you're her ATM, free hotel, payjump and probably babysitter for a child that isn't yours, but don't dare ask for light tasks or basic self care or even faithfulness in return or she'll be mad at you. You're way to good for her, move on with your life because there is no saving a relationship in this state.
Linda9999 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 and she wouldnt have low self esteem if she wasnt fat for god sakes. Iam embarrassed to introduce her to my friends and family. People judge to quick. She 's a great girl inside but general response i get is "wow dude you could do so much better" So you care more about what your friends and family think than what she thinks?? Wow. Your only response when they say something so crass is "Hey, she IS the something better, and I love her just the way she is." You should be on HER side, not everyone elses. Wow. I am so sad for her, having to put up with this.
anne1707 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 You obviously have no respect for your girlfriend plus you expect her to conform to your requirements without consideration for what she wants and who she is. Under these circumstances I honestly believe it would be better for both of you if you split up.
Linda9999 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 there is no saving a relationship in this state. At least you got that part right. If she cheated, that's another can of worms. She's probably checked out of the relationship already, even though that isn't an excuse.
collegeguy_24 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Whoa whoa here lets back up a bit, did someone says she cheated on you?!
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Again: no! And def not when looking at your other thread (op found proof she cheated on him). She's using you, you're her ATM, free hotel, payjump and probably babysitter for a child that isn't yours, but don't dare ask for light tasks or basic self care or even faithfulness in return or she'll be mad at you. You're way to good for her, move on with your life because there is no saving a relationship in this state. Then why is he with her at all? He can't trust her and doesn't like her level of contribution to the household, or her life choices - so why does he even need her to loose weight?
Phateless Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) 4jms - you're obviously not happy with this situation so I think you should get out. You said yourself that she continues her unhealthy lifestyle and she can't keep up with you and her kid. I think you'd be happier with someone who VALUES an active lifestyle. This woman obviously doesn't. I'm sure she's a great person, but I stand by what I said earlier. I think this woman is better suited to be your FRIEND. Find someone else to be your girlfriend. EDIT - I just did 30 pushups, 30 situps and 12 pullups in my room because I feel bothered that all I've had for exercise lately is swing/salsa dancing 3/4 nights a week. I enjoy being fit and active and I want to date someone who also enjoys those things. I'm sure she's a great girl but her lifestyle choice is not the right fit for you. Move on. Edited March 4, 2011 by Phateless
Star_Bright Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 It just seems like I've made it clear for the past year she needs to lose weight and she still eats fattening foods. I asked her to eat slower, eat smaller portions, i buy an exercise machine but she's too tired to use it. Tired? she sits behind a computer all day! Im skinny,and constantly working on things, the only time i have to exercise with her would be weekends. I need to eat fattening foods. She just doesn't have the motivation and myself being extremely motivated - it drives me crazy. She can't keep up with her son and I. I can't enjoy the physical activities I'd like to because she gets tired after bicycling a half mile. Not to mention problems of sexual arousal or what about health problem in the future. I just dont understand how someone can let themselves develop a belly that hangs over your belt or fat that sags over your bra strap. Common get off your ass and stop eating so much what is so hard about that! I don't get it. I mean honestly how many guys want a broke ass girl who pumped out kid at age 14? I feel like Im offering her a great opportunity, all she has to do is diet and exercise, help me out a little around the house, thats it. Just look decent, be responsible. Is that too much to ask, really!? Wow! You are either a troll, or a mean person! Your post is just mean. If you really feel this way about your girlfriend, let her go, so she can find someone who loves her for who she is and who doesn't complain about her, resent her, make fun of her, and want to change her. Stop offering her opportunities if you don't like who she is. Just leave her be. Wow. No wonder she's depressed. I feel bad for her.
Star_Bright Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 So you care more about what your friends and family think than what she thinks?? Wow. Your only response when they say something so crass is "Hey, she IS the something better, and I love her just the way she is." You should be on HER side, not everyone elses. Wow. I am so sad for her, having to put up with this. Me too!! I don't even know if this guy is real but if so then SHE deserves better than HIM.
collegeguy_24 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Reading this whole thread it honestly looks like she doesn't even pick up after herself. Just from his point of view it honestly looks like he is responsible for everything, he is responsible for her kid, he cleans the house, he cooks the meals, and as he said she does nothing aside from eating and sitting behind a computer all day. Brings back horrible flashbacks of my first ex.
Star_Bright Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Reading this whole thread it honestly looks like she doesn't even pick up after herself. Just from his point of view it honestly looks like he is responsible for everything, he is responsible for her kid, he cleans the house, he cooks the meals, and as he said she does nothing aside from eating and sitting behind a computer all day. Brings back horrible flashbacks of my first ex. Well if that's the case, the problem is not just losing weight. He needs to break up with her instead of complaining about her so much. If he has tried all he can and she doesn't want to change and makes no efforts, it's time to say goodbye!
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