bennah Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Ok, so this is going to be a bit of a long one to give everyone the full background of where im coming form as i definately need help. I'm Australian, and i met this english girl whilst i was in uni in Australia. She was with a boyfriend at the time, who she had come over with, so we were just friends. She wasnt happy in her relationship and over time we became flirty. I made sure not to ever make a move on her, but one night after she had told me she was leaving her current/ex when i was awfully drunk i kissed her. Nothing happened after that until she had properly broken up with him. Once she had she moved in with me, and we saw eachother in a pretty intense (and good relationship) over the next 6 months or so. During this period we had a series of fights but the relationship was in general quite good until it got close to the point of her visa running out. We got engaged, but i was not ready yet to completely get married, and we had no real claims to any kind of visa so she returned home, but we decided to do long distance. The plan was she would do her years post grad in teaching in england whilst i finished uni and got my job ready to come over to the uk. Things started ok, lots of love emails and alot of closeness. However she started uni, and within a couple of weeks pulled out. I realised she felt she wasnt strong enough to do it but i was in a way a bit frustrated as i knew it had put our options and plans back by a year and i couldnt understand how she couldnt get through just one year at uni. Her mum has had a very detrimental impact on her life, and emotionally abused her quite a bit as a child. As such she feels worthless alot of the time and often feels abandoned. During long distance this became a huge burden as if i wanted to go out with mates at home instead of staying and talking to her on skype, then i would receive abuse or be told that i didnt care/ that what was the point of being together. During this time i started to get really down and in the dumps. I was working up to 70 hours a week to get myself financially in a point to come over and knew that i would be in england soon and unable to see my friends. So any chance i had for spare time i was keen to see the guys, and still making time to talk to her as of an evening ment i was averaging about 6 hours sleep. She was struggling back home as well. Working in a bar doesnt pay much in england and she had pulled out of uni so the year became a little wasted. This fueled a little resentment from her towards me i think, because she was doing nothing with her life because she was just "waiting" for me. I sold her car in australia and sent the money over, whihc helped a little. And i also was able to send her a bit of extra cash every now and then. We managed to get a trip for me to see her in june (about 4 months into the long distance) and things just felt funny. The excitement to see her just wasnt really there for the first week, but by the second week it had picked up, but then i was heading home. Followed was another 4-5 months of the same, with a very short break up in the middle (a day or two i think) until she came over for 3 months in the aus holidays. It was really nice. She got to relax and take it easy whilst i worked. We got in a few holidays up and down the coast and i think she enjoyed herself. We still had some pretty massive fights which sucked and she wouldnt really do anything with my friends, but all in all we had a good time and i felt alot better about our relationship. She went home and we returned to long distance. The original plan was for me to come out around may in 2010. However despite all the work id been doing i couldnt quite do it financially. For me to comfortable i had asked if i could possibly put back coming out to august, but she replied that we would break up if that was the case. So i booked flights for June. My first real mistake came on the night i was flying out. I had organised to go out for one last drink with a few of my work mates the night before the flight. She objected to this saying i should get a good nights sleep and i told her that i wouldnt see them for a few years at least and would liek to catch up. This led to a fight, and then i headed out. One of the girls that i worked with was there and when drunk we had flirted. I had no intention of doing anything with her, and didnt but we did flirt. And when i got home she sent me a few flirty messages to which i replied. Nothing too sinister, just had fun tonight, shame we couldnt stay out later/your going home. Never anything about doing anything. But regardless not my finest moment. But i flew out the next day and forgot about all that. I arrived in england and the first few days were good. Seeing each other was nice and it was good to have the comfort of cuddling at night again. Stresses started to begin already early as we didnt seem to be quite the same, and i guess we never have reached the relationship we had the first time in australia. Things got really bad about 3 weeks in though when one night when i was asleep she checked through my phone and all my messages and found the messages between myself and the girl on the night before i left. She was incredibly angry (understandably really) and despite my assurances that i had no intentions to do anything with her i slept on the couch that night. Call me neive at the time but i hadnt really thought what i had texted was that bad, but it has led i think to massive trust issues in the relationship. Nothing was sorted for June as id told her, my registration to work in my field in england didnt come through until september so i had to work in a bar for 3 months. This was fine, except following what happened with the messages i was not allowed to do anything social with the group. There were 3 barmen and about 8 bar girls in the place i worked. So every time everyone went out i wouldnt be allowed to go unless she was there, and when she was there shed claim i was bored and that she wanted to go. So for 3 months in a new country any friends i had made i was not allowed to see. This began to frustrate me and led to a whole series of new arguements. I finally got my hpc to work in hospitals and got offered contracts, getting the better money and being away from bars i thought might have been good for us, but it ment i worked a bit over the country. This caused more problems with the abandonement issues she had from her dad leaving at a young age. I came home every weekend no matter where i was but when she would ask me on sunday evenings not to go, or that if i loved her i would just quit the job, i was left completely bemused with what to do. i had to work! This continued for a while and i saved up some money while she was at uni. We continued fighting quite a bit but i organised us a trip to edinburgh for new years. As it turned out 2 of my friends were in the country so i organised for all of us to go. This didnt go down well. I couldnt understand why she wasnt happy to go with friends, we spent every weekend together and i hadnt spent any other time socially with anyone else and i thought a chance for her to meet my friends would be good. Alas it upset her as she wanted a nice romantic weekend for new years. At this poitn i really started to notice in myeslf that what i wanted was to have fun and be relaxed, and i was never going to get this from this relationship. Thats where i think i began to question if i was really "in" the relationship any more. The years long distance had been a real tax, and id thought getting to england and being with her would change things and make it alot easier, but it had just been more of a slog. I was beginning to think relationships shouldnt be this hard. We spent the new years break together, and then when my contract ended i had 2 weeks and my friend proposed a trip to kenya. In hindsight it was probably a terrible idea and made her feel even less supported. But i had been in england for over 6 months and never travelled once outside the country like i had planned, and in my "im not doing anything" panic i booked it. This cause alot more issues and she again said if i loved her i wouldnt go. I went with my mate and really enjoyed it, despite quite a number of calls from her that always put me ina depressed mood. We met some amazing people and some people id hoped to catch up with back in england. When i got back it became impossible. Any girl i had met purely as a friend was veto'd and was unreasonable to meet. I think at this point is where i really regret how i handled things. When i got back i got a contract clsoe to london. My mate who id been on a trip with only had a week left in london before he flew home so id told him id love to meet up with him on the weekend as a last hoorah before not seeing him for another couple of years. My real mistake was that i told her that i was taking my stuff to the new hospital accommodation to get settled in. I didnt want her to get upset and i really wanted to see my mate. I dropped my stuff off at the accommodation, sent her a message i was going to bed and told her i was going to bed and then turned my phone off and caught up with my mate and had a few drinks in london. I didnt talk to any girls i didnt want to pick anyone up, but i had deceived her and i knew that was wrong. Im a terrible liar so she found out and got extremely upset. The arguements continued and I became more and more sure that i wanted to break up. During this time id been in touch with the girls from kenya and also one of mys sisters friends back home. All the conversations were purely friendly, no flirting whatsoever but they caused more problems as she wasnt comfortable with me talking to them any more. I told her i wouldnt talk to them and then sent them messages on facebook saying i wouldnt be able to talk to them any more. At this stage she was checking my phone and facebook routinely whenever i left my laptop out or phone about and wasnt in the room. So the messages i sent saying i wouldnt be able to talk constituted as talking to them so had deceived her. At this point i just couldnt be bothered. I wasnt sure what to do as she has university placement in two weeks. I tried to break up with her so that she could have 2 weeks to deal with it before uni. This didnt work as she faught it tooth and nail and claimed i wasnt being fair and should give us another go. I repeatedly told her i wasnt interested and needed a break. This drew out over the 2 weeks and when it got to uni she threatened she couldnt do it without support. So i said we could see each other every 2 weeks as a means of cooling things down for a bit. She took exception to this and we argued fiercly each night for about a week. At this point i couldnt take it, and on the friday i told her i wanted to break up. To my horror on the monday she pulled out of placement, despite all my pleading for her not to. She said she couldnt deal with it with all that was going on. I felt absolutely terrible. It was the last thing i wanted. I wanted to have some time away from her but didnt want her to stop uni. She organised to see a counsellor and talked to the uni organisers to reorganise her placement. Skiip forward a month and I dont know what to do. We have talked everyday as she feels she has no friends or family to talk to. I want to be there for her, but conversations always fall back into the relationship zone and end up upsetting both of us. I am extremely stressed and would probably prefer jsut a clean break, but i cant risk leaving her with noone to talk to and quiting uni. She has grants from the government to do the course and im really worried if she doesnt finish this year she may have to pay them back. I really dont knwo what to do. Ive tried to be completely honest about this, so please feel free to tell me if it is my fault, would be good to get some clarity on things, my friends obviously say im nto to blame, her friends say i am, so its hard to get any objectivity about things. Looking for advice.... Cheers
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