Iasonas Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I have lots of trouble building relationships. I'm 25 now, and over the last 7 years I've made about 5 friends (so that's 0.71 friends/yr). "Friends" as in people that I would hang out with, that I would talk to, that I liked and felt comfortable around. Some of those friends have moved on and right now I feel especially lonely (and there have been plenty of long periods like now). It goes without saying that I've always been single. When I was in middle school, I was teased plenty and I developed some pretty bad social anxiety. It took a long time to get through. I remember in high school I'd get really nervous around people - I could feel my heart beating fast and my papers would curl at my desk because I'd sweat through the palms so much (and I only sweat through the palms when I'm really nervous). I had a hard time relaxing and getting to know people. In fact, I made only one friend through all of high school. I spent my lunches reading books in the library (I didn't know what to do with myself in the cafeteria). Much of that anxiety has passed, but I still have a hard time getting to know people. In fact, I can only really talk and be myself when I feel that the people around me are friendly. When I feel that people are being judgmental, everything becomes really hard. When you talk to people who you are friendly with, everything flows, and you don't necessarily think about what you're going to say. You're just kindof there. When I feel I have to prove myself to be likeable, I get really flustered. I think of all the things I could say, and I analyze them. But I somehow find something wrong with everything I could possible say or do. I get really trapped. So I just sit there, I try to listen to people, and hope that they'll be patient with me (I'll open up eventually!). But I think at my age, people get really impatient. If you're not doing or saying something interesting, they kind of just lose interest in you. So I never quite break through. Additionally, I also have trouble hearing people at parties and following the conversations. People jump from one subject to another and I don't always get all of the references. I enjoy talking to good friends better. Anyways, I really like being around friends, but I can't make enough of them. If you have just zero or one or two friends at a time, you end up being too needy. People sometimes drift in and out of relationships -- they have lots of friends and you have to have a decent number of friends to be a good friend yourself. (For example, one friend I used to spend plenty of time with, ~5-10 hrs/wk, is in a newer relationship, and has spent absolutely no time with me over the past month. I feel really hurt, although I haven't said anything. I just send invitations and get shot down. So now I'm down to distant friends, the kind you can talk to maybe once a month-ish). Can I change my personality? Do I need to? Any suggestions for things I could try? Common experiences? Thanks for the help. (and sorry for the really long post -- I've never posted this to a forum before).
NoMagicBullet Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) I sometimes think it gets more difficult to find and make friends as people get older, and it's especially hard losing or growing apart from friends as we move on in different directions in our lives. You have my sympathy in that. Not that it will make you feel better, but it pretty much happens to everyone, and it continues to happen throughout our lives. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to impress people. It will probably take a while, but try to stop analyzing what you might say and relax a bit. Also, don't go into a situation trying to figure out if people are being judgmental or friendly; you don't really know what's going on in their heads, and you're just giving yourself more to worry about. You can't control what's going on in their heads, anyway. Nothing wrong with listening, but make it only about listening -- hear & understand what the other people are saying instead of worrying about what you're going to say. People like to know that they are being heard when they speak and listening is an important trait in a friend. Don't feel that you have to come up with something brilliant to say. Often, just saying "Yeah, I know what you mean," is fine. There are nonverbal ways you can communicate that, too: smile, nod, laugh, etc. Try to pay more attention to the people you are with and less attention to what's going on in your head at the time. (I know from personal experience that this can be very difficult!) Ask them questions, like what they think about subject XYZ or whatever. Get to know them. Who knows -- they may or may not be good friend material. Instead of parties, you might also want to try meeting people in places that are better for conversation, maybe through a hobby, sport or other recreational interest. Or volunteer. I suggest a group of some kind that meets regularly and tends to have the same people attending. Friends usually get know each other over time and have some common interests. If your current hobbies don't offer much new social opportunity, try something new. I'm not a employee or financial beneficiary of Meetup.com (so I don't get anything for giving them a plug), but I'm in a few different meetup groups, and I've met a wide variety of people that enjoy socializing with. A wide variety of ages, too. You say that people your age seem to get impatient if you're quiet -- would you be willing to socialize with people older than you on occasion? You may find them more patient with you than your peers, and with more positive experience, it might eventually help you feel more comfortable socializing with people your own age. I think my reply was even longer than your post, but I hope those suggestions help. Edited March 6, 2011 by NoMagicBullet
Author Iasonas Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks NMB! Sometimes when I'm in one of these lonely periods, I go into something of a panic. Sort of like: "dear god, there must be something wrong with me!" It just seems other people do much better than me in terms of building relationships and not feeling lonely. It's good to get a little perspective. I haven't tried meetup, but I'll give a shot. And socializing with older people is a good idea too. Thinking back on things, most of my "conversation pals" tend to be older. (Why do I find people of my generation so pretentious?) Relaxing when you're in a conversation and not relaxed is hard! I've tried an experiment the last few social settings I've been in: to do away with the word me in my thoughts. It seems to help. If I think: "this person doesn't seem to enjoy me," I force myself to rephrase it: "this person seems to look surprised/or agitated/or ..." And it only ever became difficult when this one guy I know was making digs at my appearance (I'm lean-built; it was a joke game of Indian poker and he was like: "You have to take off your clothes, now. Actually, please don't. For god's sake, please don't). But that guy's kind of a jackass, anyways. (I interpret what he does in terms of this ,excepting that he's a graduate student, not a high-schooler).
NoMagicBullet Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 I've tried an experiment the last few social settings I've been in: to do away with the word me in my thoughts. It seems to help. I'm glad that seems to be working for you. I bet the longer you keep doing that, the easier it will get. And the benefit is being being able to separate jerks like that guy from other people. While I've gotten much better at being less self-conscious in most social situations, I sometimes find myself overanalyzing things afterward; I'm working on it. Interesting study -- I think it explains a lot of the bad behavior out there, and not just with people in high school or college.
Recommended Posts