Trying to move on :(

[Xelha]

So around Christmas I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. It was a long distance relationship, although it wasn't because of that that I decided to end it. At first I wasn't sure why I'd done it, but after I had some time to clear my mind, I realized that the primary reason was because I wasn't in love with him, and finally acknowledged that it wasn't going to change. We were two different people, and that connection just wasn't there, at least not for me.

 

The thing is, my ex was really in love with me(and I think still is), so he took the news really badly. For awhile he was really depressed, and possibly suicidal(not sure, but some of his sentences were worded in a way that hinted at it). He kept trying to talk me into giving him another chance, saying things would be different, etc. etc. But then he also made me feel like total crap whenever we talked, making me aware of how much pain I'd caused him by ending the relationship. I'm a VERY empathetic person, so this started to really cloud my judgement and make me wonder if maybe I should give him that second chance, even though it wasn't what I actually wanted.

 

In the end, my ex's constant mood swings were really taking its toll on me. One moment he'd be depressed, then he'd be saying he loved me, then he'd be angry... and it just was always like that. Eventually I was forced to stop talking to him on MSN because I couldn't handle it anymore. I distanced myself from him, even though he kept telling me not to. I felt like in the end I had no choice, because I just couldn't progress at all with my life, it was as though I'd lost all motivation and had become unable to think about my future.

 

These days things are VERY awkward between us. We exchange messages on Facebook, but not every day... I tend to wait like 4 or 5 days before replying, so that I don't fall back into the same mess I was in before. The thing is, it's really hard to avoid him, because he goes to a lot of the websites I always go to... and with Facebook I can't delete him because he'd get REALLY angry/depressed/whatever and make a huge deal out of it. I hate how every time I post something on Facebook or on another site I'm constantly thinking about what he might think about it, or what he might say knowing that I'm online there but not talking to him(he used to send me angry messages telling me to get on MSN if he saw me on a site for like 5 mins).

 

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking here... I just don't know where to go from here. My ex refuses to let go, and I have a hard time being firm with him(although I've been trying to more recently) because I feel so bad for having broken his heart. I feel like he controls too much of my life, but at the same time I don't think myself capable of cutting off all contact, because I'm too concerned about how that might affect him. :/

[D-Lish]

You can't live everyday worrying about how your actions have affected him. You can't continue to have contact with him in order to appease him because you feel sorry for him, that's not doing either of you any favours.

 

Neither of you will ever be able to move on until one of you makes a decision to move forward. By the sounds of it, that person needs to be you. If you have to lay off facebook and other social networks for a while to avoid him- that's the hard choice you're going to have to follow through with if you want to move forward.

 

As long and you believe that you "CAN'T" ignore him, delete him, let him go- there is no possibility for either of you to heal.

 

You are not responsible for his actions or his feelings anymore, and you can't let his pain govern your life anymore. Staying in contact with him, keeping him in your life is making you miserable.

 

You have to let him go. As long as you keep staying in contact with him, you are giving him false hope- and he doesn't deserve that either.

 

As harsh as it sounds, it's time for him to take responsibility for his own pain- and you have to let him go in order for him to do that.

[Kic]

NC includes unfriending your ex on FB.

 

Think of it this way: It's actually better for him (and you) in the long run to follow NC than any other method. You said it yourself: You're forced to consider his reaction every time you are on FB, and that's not going to help you move on. Indirectly feeding him bits and pieces of you on FB isn't helping him move on, either.

 

If his whining becomes unbearable about the unfriending, you could offer to refriend him after you have both moved on (months later).

 

Lastly, even if you might want him back, unfriending him on FB helps give you both that before and after experience. You both can see how life is like being unable to click on each other's profile at any time.