Amour7 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 It's been over two years that MM and I have been together, and at the beginning, he told me he was separating from his wife. It is now so clear he wants to have his cake and eat it too- stay in his big house, raise his lovely children, preserve his rep as a family man, and not be like his daddy who left his mom. He has been very honest about having a number of other affairs before me, so my rational self knows he will always be a cheater and that he may have or may have had other women on the side while he has been with me. But in spite of all that, I have felt that this love is so deep and true- more intimate than any other relationship I have had, and after going through a divorce, I don't think I can bear the thought of being alone. So I feel so stuck. I know in my head this is going nowhere and could lead to disappointment and heartbreak. But I feel so viscerally attached that it feels like an addition I can't break. And what makes it harder is that no one but my therapist knows about him because I feel too ashamed to tell my story. I am looking for help. I don't feel like I have it in me to leave and give up what I have, but what I have is as painful as it is pleasurable. I hate hearing any story about his wife. I feel jealous and ashamed of myself. I hate when he talks about his future and it isn't about me- it's about the cabin he wants to build on BS's inherited property. I feel sad believing that I won't have a family and/or a life partner to grow old with. But there is enough of something else that I stay and can hardly conceive of leaving. Any advice would be appreciated- especially if you have been in a similar situation and have succeeded in moving on. But what would you be doing on this forum if that were you??
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I feel sad believing that I won't have a family and/or a life partner to grow old with. You have some choices to make. You CAN have a family of your own, a husband, children and a life built with someone you love..Only it won't be with him. I give him kudos for atleast being honest with you about his life -- His past and current other affairs, the status of his marriage, and his wife. He has no intention of leaving what he has. You can either accept this and settle, be happy with what you have, or you end it and grieve, heal and when the timing is right, meet someone who can give you everything, not just bits and pieces on his terms. Consider seeking some counselling to help you make a decision, maybe to see things more clearly. Your post is tough to read. you have a big heart and lots of love to give, unfortunately you're giving it to a man who won't give you half of what you fully deserve.
Flabbergaster Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 First: it's not uncommon for BS to post in this forum. Please ignore anyone posting insults to you. Welcome in, you are not alone. There are many people here that want to help you in this difficult time. You're concerned you can't go through the pain of this separation, after having a divorce? Most of us here will assure you that the pain of 'staying' the OW is worse than the pain of moving on. Read the stories of others, here. You might start to see a pattern...all of us feel this is the deepest love ever. Hmmm...coincidence...or just the feeling that happens in an affair? Here's one that worked for me... There's a saying, "sunlight is the best disinfectant." Find a friend or two that you can confide in; be very careful who you pick. Have an old bff from hs that you've lost touch with, in another state? Pick someone that will NOT spill the beans, and put nothing in writing. You might not think it's so wonderful once you explain it to someone else...might be kind of embarrassed. Every day, ask yourself "how long am i willing to be treated like this?" Set a day, mark it on the calendar. (not my advice, i learned it here from...dunno who). This next one will hurt, I'm sorry it is a necessary pain. Tell yourself "he's not going to leave his wife," after every conversation with him. Say it into a mirror. Go for a week of NC. During that week, focus on the things you would want in a life partner (marriage? children? how about...spending any night together?). A week away from the allure of the affair, in my experience, calms the feelings. Start exercising, get a mani and a pedi, change your haircut. These things will give you a nice feeling, help distract a bit. Did I mention you should read through LOTS of threads here? You'll see people in the same situation, see that you are not unique, you'll see 'through the fog' of these emotions. Lots more advice coming from others, listen to it. PS good job, you have a therapist. That's a great start. Asking for advice, also good. I look forward to seeing your "i ended the affair" post, here.
D-Lish Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 You've asked yourself a really poignant question- why can't you end it? Would being alone be any worse than accepting being second best? You could have all the things you want- you just can't have it with the partner you are choosing to associate with. The longer you accept this less than dignified arrangement, the further away you place yourself from real happiness. You have to believe you deserve true happiness in order to find it. It can't be satisfying to be a secret, it can't feel good to know that nothing real can ever come of this affair. The choice is yours, you have more power than you think, but it has to start with you saying no. It's so satisfying to be in a relationship when you know you're the most important thing in the world to your partner- nothing beats such a feeling. You can have that- you just have to believe you're worthy.
East7 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I am looking for help. I don't feel like I have it in me to leave and give up what I have, but what I have is as painful as it is pleasurable. I hate hearing any story about his wife. I feel jealous and ashamed of myself. I hate when he talks about his future and it isn't about me- it's about the cabin he wants to build on BS's inherited property. I feel sad believing that I won't have a family and/or a life partner to grow old with. But there is enough of something else that I stay and can hardly conceive of leaving. Any advice would be appreciated- especially if you have been in a similar situation and have succeeded in moving on. But what would you be doing on this forum if that were you?? Hi Amour (I like your screen name...btw ) I have been in your shoes, (opposite sex) as I was in love with a MW. I also was questioning what I was loosing when I was fed up with an A. What do you give up ? Well...if you see clearly, you give up a second-class relationship, living a half life while he is living a life and a half, you give up waiting hopelessly, feeling the pain when he goes home and have his official life with his W, sleeps with her and have breakfast with her...while you wait..wait...for a stolen moment of love...3 hours of love for 3 days of pain...or maybe 13 days. You realize that you sell your heart too cheap ! Realize that you pay with your tears what he is giving to another woman for free. At least you have a honest person here. He is a serial cheater and he didn't lie about that. He is not going anywhere either...He is making life projects with his wife while you grieve. Sometimes we have to find the strength inside to let it go. Sometimes we have to give up not because we feel it but because it is the right thing to do. It is not going to be easy, you will grieve, but you will grow, you will learn. Time is a healer. You've asked yourself a really poignant question- why can't you end it? Would being alone be any worse than accepting being second best? You could have all the things you want- you just can't have it with the partner you are choosing to associate with. The longer you accept this less than dignified arrangement, the further away you place yourself from real happiness. Great post D-lish. Ditto.. I came to realization that is much better being alone than in an affair. Why accepting crumbs while there are so many amazing people out there, loving friends and potential partners.
Author Amour7 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Thank you for your encouragement. What a feeling, to have several people reply so thoughtfully, about something I have felt too ashamed to share. I have some hope now- thanks to your messages and because this forum makes me feel less alone. I hope to be able to post again that it is over. I am not sure I am there yet, but I am going to start doing some little things to start reclaiming my sense of self and power. I am not going to call him this morning and I am not going to answer if he calls. This might sound like no big deal to some, but to those of you who have experienced an R that is like an addiction, you know the struggle even small things like that can induce. Thanks again.
East7 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I hope to be able to post again that it is over. I am not sure I am there yet, but I am going to start doing some little things to start reclaiming my sense of self and power. I am not going to call him this morning and I am not going to answer if he calls. This might sound like no big deal to some, but to those of you who have experienced an R that is like an addiction, you know the struggle even small things like that can induce. Thanks again. Amour, another thing that I can tell you is that MM will still pine after you, just be prepared to that. Married people have nothing to loose in the game, they hate to loose the AP because they are selfish, they think about them, their needs, their addiction, they don't think about hurting you and your feelings. And yes it is an addiction for both, the AP and the MM. It is typical. It is addicting because of the connection, the passion involved and because it is an unconsumed and unresolved relationship : you don't have much time to share like a normal couple, go in vacations, to argue or to have ups and downs, it remains in a "good time" relationship. BUT...the bottom-line is that it is emotionally consuming and unhealthy situation. No one deserves to be just the other woman or the other man. You have to consider it like quitting smoking or drinking, it is tempting but you know that nothing good will ever come out of that. Keep posting
TigerCub Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 It's been over two years that MM and I have been together, and at the beginning, he told me he was separating from his wife. It is now so clear he wants to have his cake and eat it too- stay in his big house, raise his lovely children, preserve his rep as a family man, and not be like his daddy who left his mom. He has been very honest about having a number of other affairs before me, Oh my Amour, I think we got mixed up with the same MM its all the same story, right down to the (abandoned by daddy) story. WOW!! But in spite of all that, I have felt that this love is so deep and true- more intimate than any other relationship I have had I completely understand the feeling. Affairs are so intense that the awesome highs make us put up with all the pain and hurt and damage the lows bring. But in the end, I think you should put things in perspective to what you want for yourself. Sure, you don't want to be alone, after a divorce, I can understand that, but MM isn't the only guy on the planet. If you're not with him, it doesn't mean that there will never be any other men in your life after. But the crazy affair fog makes you feel like he's the be all end all, and the intensity is addictive. You just need to find a way to kick the habit. I am looking for help. I don't feel like I have it in me to leave and give up what I have, but what I have is as painful as it is pleasurable. I hate hearing any story about his wife. I feel jealous and ashamed of myself. I hate when he talks about his future and it isn't about me- it's about the cabin he wants to build on BS's inherited property. I feel sad believing that I won't have a family and/or a life partner to grow old with. But there is enough of something else that I stay and can hardly conceive of leaving. The line in bold really stood out for me, because aside from the intense euphoria of an affair. I realized that that "something" that was keeping me there was pain. I was addicted to the pain, also, the A I was in brought out a LOT of childhood issues for me. "Daddy issues" that kind of in a weird way made me want to continue the cycle, to keep feeling the pain (because it was what I knew growing up). I went to therapy because of what the affair brought out in me, and I had to deal with a lot of past issues. Do you think that maybe something like that could be true for you as well? I know that everyone is different, but it could be worth looking into. Any advice would be appreciated- especially if you have been in a similar situation and have succeeded in moving on. What helped me move on was getting past my childhood issues. But also, I kind of started to think about xMM and think that he must be thinking terrible things about me. I told myself that he must think I'm stupid and that I'm so easily played He must think I'm desperate to put up with only getting crumbs He has his own life, and I'm just an escape on the side, and he's not willing to give me anything more - and he thinks I'm cheap because I accept that for myself. ** please note : - I'm honestly not saying this as a jab at a person in an affair, these were things I repeated to myself A LOT (whether he really thought that or no doesn't matter to me), they were thoughts that motivated me to end it and find something better for myself. I'm sorry that things seem so hopeless for you right now - but honestly, they're not. You need to realize that this is an addiction and that you deserve better. It seems really difficult to get out in the beginning, but sweetie, it can be done. Just be true to you and what you want/deserve. **HUGS**
Flabbergaster Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I hope to be able to post again that it is over. We are WAITING for that post. I am not going to call him this morning and I am not going to answer if he calls. I am proud of you! This is very difficult the first few times, many of us know that. Doing this lets you feel more in control of your feelings and your life, it will help with the next steps. But also, I kind of started to think about xMM and think that he must be thinking terrible things about me. I told myself that he must think I'm stupid and that I'm so easily played He must think... Yes...even if they aren't true...find thoughts like this. It will help your pride come through to rescue you. I would tell myself that she (I was MM and OM) only needed me to solve problems for her. "Every conversation is about how upset she is that friends and coworkers disrespect her, that her SO isn't good enough" I told myself. I knew it wasn't (completely?haha) true; it helped me. Find thoughts like these to help you get AnGrY about how you are treated.
Author Amour7 Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 You have all given me so much to think about. I am beginning to feel like I will have the courage to end this- hopefully sooner rather than later- because of your support. Seeing a therapist is great, but there are dark and lonely days between sessions. Tiger Cub, I can't pinpoint childhood issues that might be related to my current struggles with this R but I do feel like there are some deep seeded self esteem issues going on. I am establishing a pattern of unhealthy relationships. My marriage was emotionally abusive, and there were red flags going into that, but I didn't believe I would/could do better than that, and I loved him, so I put up with a lot of bullsh**. I walked out of that R vulnerable and into the arms of my MM. So, as I had posted, I did not call him this morning. I was/am still upset about something that happened Monday. He flew off the handle because he called wanting to meet me out to see a local band, and I essentially said "great, and I will want to leave by 10:30 since I have some important things going on at work in the morning." That wasn't the right answer for him. An evening of arguing, him closing me out, refusing to answer my calls, then a promise to come by later, then a promise broken... Anyway, my MO has been to go to great lengths to patch things up, to smooth over conflict, but I am working hard now to change that. I have been present with my anger and my desire for more respect. It is beginning to feel like some things are changing in me. Not calling felt difficult, but I got through it. I did end up texting later in the day, and then we ended up seeing each other tonight. I am beginning to see, as East said, that he has a life and a half and I have half. I want more, I think I deserve more, but I am afraid I won't ever find someone good for me. I seem to be attracted to the ones who can't give themselves fully to me. Good topic for therapy, I know. To try to be accountable for making some movement, I will keep posting. I have been stuck for too long. Thanks again for the support.
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