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Decided to end it, would you tell him how he hurted you or just let it go?

sarkandlauren

By sarkandlauren
in The Other Man / Woman

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TurboGirl Established Member

TurboGirl

Posted
Posted

No way, Bent. Your Biblebanger holier than thou attitude is very uncool, and I'm just the one to bring you down from your cloud. I don't think your location is accurate, anyway.

Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted
My point exactly.

 

 

 

My point exactly.

 

 

 

^^^^^^^

 

This is why I stated she needs to leave him alone and tell her husband what she's been doing to him.

 

 

 

No it wasn't sarcasm.

 

 

 

What an idiotic statement.

 

 

 

Whatever comparison you were making is irrelevant. She needs to leave that married man alone and tell her husband what she's been doing. Telling OM that he played her self-serving ego is pointless, and has no solution to this corruptive destruction. She needs to tell her husband or just simply divorce him. Whining about some guy that she obviously knew was dirty solves nothing. All he cared about was having extra sex on the side and she knew this, yet went on with it.

 

Oh I see the error of my ways and bow down before you and your obviously superior opinion (not to mention evaluations of sarcasm).

 

No, really I don't. I know what you're saying and that's all well and good for you. I gave my opinion and guess what-you going on and on about yours isn't going to change mine. I feel that if she wants to say it she needs to because if she doesn't she'll always want to and one day she might. Better to get it done now. I think her H should know and she should see the face of real betraya, not what she's perceiving to be that from the OM.

 

I've never taken much notice of what you've said in the past and now I see I probably had good reason for it.

Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted
Incorrect. I think you still have anger about being a BS. TRUE FRIENDS who knew about the betrayal are one thing. I agree with you that they should have told you. Casual acquaintences are another.

 

This "wife" of this MM is not a friend on the OPs and telling her about the MM's transgression would be stirring the pot & sticking one's nose where it does not belong. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors of a marriage, and I would BET that is why your "friends" did not tell you. No one with half a brain wants to get into that.

 

And then who is to say that the wife would not tell the OP's husband? AGAIN I feel you are incorrect, and the husband does not need to know if the OP can put it all back together and fix her marriage. Spilling your guts just to 'clear the air' and feel all happy & good about yourself is very very selfish, and I feel that telling the husband just to be honest is a bunch of crap. That would ruin chances of her fixing her marriage. People are humans and make mistakes and we have no change of ever recovering gracefully and fixing them if we go blabbing our big mistakes to everyone, especially the spouses.

 

God is there to judge for mistakes, and no one else, Thank You.

 

The easy way out is to keep lying. Believe me it would be easier for her to keep on with the lies and pretend like nothing happened. The hard way and the right way is to tell your spouse. As I said before if it comes out in a year or two how is he going to feel then. Will she then regret not telling him? The first thing he'll say is how could you do that to me. The second is how could you not tell me and let me get on with life like nothing went on. I wonder what sort of regrets she'd have then.

 

The thing about what's in bold that really disturbs me is 'we have no chance of ever recovering gracefully and fixing them if we go blabbing our big mistates to everyone, especially the spouses.' I always thought it was the big stuff we were supposed to share with our spouses. What kind of recovery will 'they' have when she's the only one in on the secret of what it is they're recovering from? Your comment smacks of the absolute acceptance of deception. If it's ok to lie about something like this then as far as I can see it would be ok to lie about anything and everything.

 

You bet your sweet bippy I have anger about being a BS. My husband was screwing someone else. He turned his back on me, my 3 year old child, my 17 year old stepson, and in essence both of our families. He ripped my world apart and left me in tatters. A few years ago my now adult child left home to start their life. The car pulled away and I crumpled onto the step and cried like a baby. I was alone and it wasn't supposed to be that way. My xH set the wheels in motion for that moment almost 20 years before. When I look back do I think I would have been happier if he'd seen the error of his ways and stopped the A, then I stumbled across it for whatever reason a few years later? No way in Hell. I walked away gracefully because by going outside the M he had let me know where I stood and I had the chance to react. If it'd come out years later and I found out he lied all those years as well? I wouldn't have walked away. I would have stayed and crucified him. I have some happiness now that he found peace and his life is good. If he'd lied to me I would never have forgiven him and would have made sure everyone knew why.

 

We all have our opinions on this. Your reasons and justifications don't wash with me but that's me.

findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

Posted
Posted (edited)
The easy way out is to keep lying. Believe me it would be easier for her to keep on with the lies and pretend like nothing happened. The hard way and the right way is to tell your spouse. As I said before if it comes out in a year or two how is he going to feel then. Will she then regret not telling him? The first thing he'll say is how could you do that to me. The second is how could you not tell me and let me get on with life like nothing went on. I wonder what sort of regrets she'd have then.

 

The thing about what's in bold that really disturbs me is 'we have no chance of ever recovering gracefully and fixing them if we go blabbing our big mistates to everyone, especially the spouses.' I always thought it was the big stuff we were supposed to share with our spouses. What kind of recovery will 'they' have when she's the only one in on the secret of what it is they're recovering from? Your comment smacks of the absolute acceptance of deception. If it's ok to lie about something like this then as far as I can see it would be ok to lie about anything and everything.

 

You bet your sweet bippy I have anger about being a BS. My husband was screwing someone else. He turned his back on me, my 3 year old child, my 17 year old stepson, and in essence both of our families. He ripped my world apart and left me in tatters. A few years ago my now adult child left home to start their life. The car pulled away and I crumpled onto the step and cried like a baby. I was alone and it wasn't supposed to be that way. My xH set the wheels in motion for that moment almost 20 years before. When I look back do I think I would have been happier if he'd seen the error of his ways and stopped the A, then I stumbled across it for whatever reason a few years later? No way in Hell. I walked away gracefully because by going outside the M he had let me know where I stood and I had the chance to react. If it'd come out years later and I found out he lied all those years as well? I wouldn't have walked away. I would have stayed and crucified him. I have some happiness now that he found peace and his life is good. If he'd lied to me I would never have forgiven him and would have made sure everyone knew why.

 

We all have our opinions on this. Your reasons and justifications don't wash with me but that's me.

 

 

Summer Breeze, I know what a BS goes through having had a WH in my M. I have also been the OW in an A that ended before there was a D-day. I get the need to be open about the A if one wants to save one's M. I also would advocate the same in most cases. What I asked specifically is...should confessing be the case for every A including those where the BS has no idea? Is it really a pre-requisite to having a good M after an A?

 

Yes, there is a possibility that BS will find out about it in the future, just like there is a possibility they won't. There are certain qualities associated with being good such as honesty, openness, intergrity used to justify a confession - all of which a WS lacks in the first place. Why is it that the WS should try in one fell swoop to regain these qualities by confessing to an ignorant BS? I wouldn't want to know if I had suspected nothing. First, WH cheats and then to assuage his own guilt, he confesses and makes my life a living hell for the next x months/years?? Why, to what purpose? Why would he not just stop the A and start acting like the H he should be? If at some point I had worried about his behaviour and blamed myself for our "dead" M, and he had suddenly started caring and being there again, I'd stop worrying.

 

I am coming from the point of view that the OP must, after engaging in risky behaviour, do her best to preserve her family (she said she wants to save her M). This means she puts "family harmony" first. Yes, if BS finds out later, she will deal with it then. She will even be in a better position to explain it having analyzed what happened and having turned around and become faithful again. I don't say that so OP can take the easier road. The burden she bears is well-deserved but to now intentionally share it with BH seems absolutely selfish to me. The harder road would be to take responsibility for one's actions and then do everything in one's power to make BS happy. A WS should move mountains for a BS, period. It should not matter if the BS is aware of indiscretion or not, IMO.

 

I personally don't believe that people should be an open book in Rs and Ms. Is it even possible that people actually tell their spouses everything? Everybody should retain a bit of themselves and in so doing retain some mystery. Certain "mistakes" are just too big to confess for the sake of principle, for the sake of seeming "good" or "remorseful". The family is the paramount structure and its continued and harmonious existence should trump any individual member's personal needs including the need for love, intimacy, etc. Sacrificing one's need completely - that's the hard road.

Edited by findingnemo
Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted (edited)
Summer Breeze, I know what a BS goes through having had a WH in my M. I have also been the OW in an A that ended before there was a D-day. I get the need to be open about the A if one wants to save one's M. I also would advocate the same in most cases. What I asked specifically is...should confessing be the case for every A including those where the BS has no idea? Is it really a pre-requisite to having a good M after an A?

 

Yes, there is a possibility that BS will find out about it in the future, just like there is a possibility they won't. There are certain qualities associated with being good such as honesty, openness, intergrity used to justify a confession - all of which a WS lacks in the first place. Why is it that the WS should try in one fell swoop to regain these qualities by confessing to an ignorant BS? I wouldn't want to know if I had suspected nothing. First, WH cheats and then to assuage his own guilt, he confesses and makes my life a living hell for the next x months/years?? Why, to what purpose? Why would he not just stop the A and start acting like the H he should be? If at some point I had worried about his behaviour and blamed myself for our "dead" M, and he had suddenly started caring and being there again, I'd stop worrying.

 

I am coming from the point of view that the OP must, after engaging in risky behaviour, do her best to preserve her family (she said she wants to save her M). This means she puts "family harmony" first. Yes, if BS finds out later, she will deal with it then. She will even be in a better position to explain it having analyzed what happened and having turned around and become faithful again. I don't say that so OP can take the easier road. The burden she bears is well-deserved but to now intentionally share it with BH seems absolutely selfish to me. The harder road would be to take responsibility for one's actions and then do everything in one's power to make BS happy. A WS should move mountains for a BS, period. It should not matter if the BS is aware of indiscretion or not, IMO.

 

I personally don't believe that people should be an open book in Rs and Ms. Is it even possible that people actually tell their spouses everything? Everybody should retain a bit of themselves and in so doing retain some mystery. Certain "mistakes" are just too big to confess for the sake of principle, for the sake of seeming "good" or "remorseful". The family is the paramount structure and its continued and harmonious existence should trump any individual member's personal needs including the need for love, intimacy, etc. Sacrificing one's need completely - that's the hard road.

 

I know whay you're saying-you were very well thought out and articulate in your previous post but my thoiughts still stand. Yes in my opinion she needs to tell him. Yes I think it's necessary for the healing to be honest. Yes I believe there are minor things that are ok to be kept but not something of this magnitude that was a direct threat to his whole belief of what his life is. You may think it's something that she is ok to keep to herself but I do not agree it's fair to keep her H ignorant. To me finding out about it years later and knowing it had happened AND that she'd kept it from me for my own good would be unforgivable.

 

We each have opinions and that's mine.

 

By the way coming clean isn't supposed to make her look all remorseful. It's to show her H some respect-it's doung the right thing knowing she may have to pay a heavy price.

Edited by Summer Breeze
wasnt done!
bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
No way, Bent. Your Biblebanger holier than thou attitude is very uncool, and I'm just the one to bring you down from your cloud. I don't think your location is accurate, anyway.

 

 

Labels on this site mean nothing to me. I have been called everything, publically and in pm. :lmao:So do your best. And my location is the same as yours....in God's grace and mercy. My cool factor is decided by me...not anyone else. Since we both know our standards about what is cool are VERY different. :lmao::lmao:

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
I know whay you're saying-you were very well thought out and articulate in your previous post but my thoiughts still stand. Yes in my opinion she needs to tell him. Yes I think it's necessary for the healing to be honest. Yes I believe there are minor things that are ok to be kept but not something of this magnitude that was a direct threat to his whole belief of what his life is. You may think it's something that she is ok to keep to herself but I do not agree it's fair to keep her H ignorant. To me finding out about it years later and knowing it had happened AND that she'd kept it from me for my own good would be unforgivable.

 

We each have opinions and that's mine.

 

By the way coming clean isn't supposed to make her look all remorseful. It's to show her H some respect-it's doung the right thing knowing she may have to pay a heavy price.

 

 

Excellent post!

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