Decided to end it, would you tell him how he hurted you or just let it go?

March 4, 2011

If you were to end an affair, would you rather to just let it go and take it as a lesson learned, no matter how painful it is? Or would you rather express how you feel to him/her, knowing that this will just continue to feed his/her ego?

I'm not talking about someone who has been loving, caring, this is a douchebag I'm referring to. I don't understand why it is taking me so long (one year) to finally realize that nothing is worth the pain that I go through. It's really sad that he has trained me to endure these pain like it is normal.

One side of me really wants to tell him he has put me through lots of pain. If he could rewind some of our past, put himself in my shoes and feel just a little bit of what I went through. I felt like it may help release some of my anger within myself if I do that, and at least I will be able to tell him what he has put me through. But the other side of me tells me, doing this will just feed his ego. I've had my share of being a bitch when I was younger, if I don't have feelings for the guy, he can do anything and I really will not give a **** or feel sorry for him. I know he does not give a rats ass on my emotional well being. Plus, he did not point a gun to me to have a relationship with him.

*I don't want to rewrite my painful past, but a brief recap:

we're both married, I finally realized that I got into this relationship because my M is lacked of passion/ attention that I crave. I'm fully committed to work on my M. When we met, he has a girlfriend. I've been through his wedding, honeymoon, wife getting pregnant, none of this was remotely bearable. *

March 4, 2011

So what would you say to the person in the mirror who helped hurt you by getting involved with the person you labeled a "douche"? If he were cheating on a woman who had his child, why wasn't he a douche before he hurt you and was only hurting her. Walk away.

March 4, 2011

If you were to end an affair, would you rather to just let it go and take it as a lesson learned, no matter how painful it is? Or would you rather express how you feel to him/her, knowing that this will just continue to feed his/her ego?

I'm not talking about someone who has been loving, caring, this is a douchebag I'm referring to. I don't understand why it is taking me so long (one year) to finally realize that nothing is worth the pain that I go through. It's really sad that he has trained me to endure these pain like it is normal.

One side of me really wants to tell him he has put me through lots of pain. If he could rewind some of our past, put himself in my shoes and feel just a little bit of what I went through. I felt like it may help release some of my anger within myself if I do that, and at least I will be able to tell him what he has put me through. But the other side of me tells me, doing this will just feed his ego. I've had my share of being a bitch when I was younger, if I don't have feelings for the guy, he can do anything and I really will not give a **** or feel sorry for him. I know he does not give a rats ass on my emotional well being. Plus, he did not point a gun to me to have a relationship with him.

*I don't want to rewrite my painful past, but a brief recap:
we're both married, I finally realized that I got into this relationship because my M is lacked of passion/ attention that I crave. I'm fully committed to work on my M. When we met, he has a girlfriend. I've been through his wedding, honeymoon, wife getting pregnant, none of this was remotely bearable. *

As hard as it is, I would let it go and NOT tell him. He isn't going to "hear" you anyway. It would be wasting more time on him.

The most important part is you learned through this experience. You now know that sleeping with a MM isn't the answer. You have learned a powerful, and hurtful, lesson.

I would walk away with my head high and NOT give him the satisfaction of seeing how hurt you are.

March 4, 2011

Post what you feel about him here. Or, write him lots of letters, but don't ever send them.

Silence says so much. Let him stew in it. I'm sure he's expecting an ear full from you! Do NC and stay in NC. Keep posting and focus on your marriage and fixing yourself.

March 4, 2011

I don't think he has the capacity to empathize with your pain. But I do. I know the pain all too well. To see someone you care for plan and follow through with building a future with another is heart breaking. Give yourself permission to fully feel how ****ty this was/is.

I agree with other respondents that it isn't worth reengaging with this a-hole. He may try to make you feel better and then get you back on the roller coaster ride.

((()))

March 4, 2011

I think it all depends on what you want to achieve by confronting him. If you're expecting an apology or an explanation for his behavior, don't do it because you'll get neither and you'll only end up feeling worse. If you want to tell him about himself to vent--if it's purely for you own benefit and you expect nothing in return as a result of it--I'd say do it.

March 4, 2011

xMM, here, with a male perspective.

Some MM really love, others use, others cake eat.

Here are possible things that will happen if you 'tell him off'

The evil bastard - this guy will sweet talk you. Hold you apologize, let you cry...empathize...and then he'll slip his hand onto your body and try to seduce you for another round of "stfu sex"

The forlorn lover - he'll cry, he'll be mad at you for wanting to erase memories that mean so much to him, he'll attack you as heartless, say how bad you hurt him

The simple user - he'll say, "gee, sorry, i never knew. So we're splitting the check on lunch, right?" and then move on

None of these are gratifying, are they?

This is what I would suggest:

I am ending this affair. This relationship is not healthy. it has been very painful for me, it has damaged me. I can no longer be involved with a married man. I do not want to have any contact with you from now on. Please do not attempt to contact me for anything.

If he asks you "why why what for why" say

You are a married man. I am no longer interested in dating a married man.

You can say (once) "I apologize if this breakup hurts you. The terms of this relationship have hurt me much more."

If he keeps talking, say "goodbye, have a nice life."

-leaves emotions (how mad you are, why you've been hurt, etc) out. If you get emotional...you might end up in a fight...or crying. Worst case: a really smooth player can turn this into 'makeup sex' and then you're back in hell

-don't say anything like "i wanted" or "i wish" or "i love(d) you." You are focusing on the way the world IS with this conversation, you are no longer focusing on daydreams

-you are not accusing him of specific things (beyond being married). His apologies won't fix the problem, won't make you feel better. Worse, he might defend himself.

March 4, 2011

If someone is an A-hole, they don't care if they hurt you. If they are a narcissistice A-hole, then they get pleasure from knowing they've hurt you.

Its best to write the letters/emails/texts that NEVER get sent. I've got tons of emails saved in draft and when I reread them, I am so glad I never sent them.

March 4, 2011

I think a comfortable NC is that of telling him simply and politely - for the ending. You could say: The A was emotionally draining and hurtful, and you wish more for your life, and intend to work on your M. So this is goodbye. (But all in your own words, thoughts.)

The polite message for the ending helps to get through the NC because of no unanswered questions looming.

I didn't mind at all, feeding his ego (or whatever) .. I was dropping him on his behind .. and I was free.

March 4, 2011

I just don't get myself. I wouldn't tolerate any of these behavior of him if we were both single, why do I take this crap from him now. I started to wonder if I hate myself....

I'm really tired of this and all your answers pointed me to the right direction. I'll just simply tell him I would like to put a stop to this. I don't even know if a dbag is the right label for him, he does not seem to think that he's cheating on his W nor this is an affair. Along with guilt, emotional roller coaster from hot/cold, taking crumbs and depleting my self esteem, this really messed me up badly, as I started to think that I was making this whole thing up in my head..

I also questioned myself... if this is not an affair, then what am i??? A free hooker?? He has scarred me very badly. I do take full responsibility for this. I let him do this to me.

I am actually a lot better than what I was 6 months ago. I am sad, but I'm don't burst into tears when driving anymore. I learned to actively turn my brain off, it doesn't always work, but even if it works 50% of the time, it's very helpful. I also take long ass deep breaths. These can prevent a sobbing session fairly consistently. I only cry when I really wanted to.

But nonetheless, sometimes I can't help it, if a trigger comes in a bad time, I lose it too.

I cannot thank you all enough. You bet I will be going through roller coasters and be posting on here when i feel weak.

March 4, 2011

xMM, here, with a male perspective.

Some MM really love, others use, others cake eat.
Here are possible things that will happen if you 'tell him off'

The evil bastard - this guy will sweet talk you. Hold you apologize, let you cry...empathize...and then he'll slip his hand onto your body and try to seduce you for another round of "stfu sex"

The forlorn lover - he'll cry, he'll be mad at you for wanting to erase memories that mean so much to him, he'll attack you as heartless, say how bad you hurt him

The simple user - he'll say, "gee, sorry, i never knew. So we're splitting the check on lunch, right?" and then move on

None of these are gratifying, are they?

He is definately the user. And I can see him say "gee, I never knew"- note that the sorry was omitted.

And there will be no lunch.

I do work with him, so NC is next to impossible. We work in different offices, so contact will just strictly be email or phone. Thank goodness I don't have to see his face, I know this is really, really hard. I dont understand how people can do that.

March 4, 2011

If someone is an A-hole, they don't care if they hurt you. If they are a narcissistice A-hole, then they get pleasure from knowing they've hurt you.

Its best to write the letters/emails/texts that NEVER get sent. I've got tons of emails saved in draft and when I reread them, I am so glad I never sent them.

My thoughts in your words! Thanks SR!

March 4, 2011

I just don't get myself. I wouldn't tolerate any of these behavior of him if we were both single, why do I take this crap from him now. I started to wonder if I hate myself....
I'm really tired of this and all your answers pointed me to the right direction. I'll just simply tell him I would like to put a stop to this. I don't even know if a dbag is the right label for him, he does not seem to think that he's cheating on his W nor this is an affair. Along with guilt, emotional roller coaster from hot/cold, taking crumbs and depleting my self esteem, this really messed me up badly, as I started to think that I was making this whole thing up in my head..
I also questioned myself... if this is not an affair, then what am i??? A free hooker?? He has scarred me very badly. I do take full responsibility for this. I let him do this to me.

I am actually a lot better than what I was 6 months ago. I am sad, but I'm don't burst into tears when driving anymore. I learned to actively turn my brain off, it doesn't always work, but even if it works 50% of the time, it's very helpful. I also take long ass deep breaths. These can prevent a sobbing session fairly consistently. I only cry when I really wanted to.
But nonetheless, sometimes I can't help it, if a trigger comes in a bad time, I lose it too.

I cannot thank you all enough. You bet I will be going through roller coasters and be posting on here when i feel weak.

You seem to have emotionally prepared yourself for the breakup, which is good.

In my situation, I considered myself the responsible one - because I expected More for/from myself. Taking full responsibility really helped me. And yes, they can be in denial - which is pathetic.

NC is for a long time. Make it short and polite while giving him explanation. This way you'll have more peace while minimizing any regrets.

March 5, 2011

*I don't want to rewrite my painful past, but a brief recap:
we're both married, I finally realized that I got into this relationship because my M is lacked of passion/ attention that I crave. I'm fully committed to work on my M. When we met, he has a girlfriend. I've been through his wedding, honeymoon, wife getting pregnant, none of this was remotely bearable. *

You were the one that was married and he was single. Did he ever ask you to leave your husband? Would you have left your husband for him?

As far as your question about letting him know how you feel is up to you. It depends on your character. If you are the type of person who will burst if you don't get this off your chest, then speak. Say what you have to to have a clear mind or that speck of dust is going to turn into a mountain. You will rot within and make you even angrier than you are. That will cause more stress. If you can live with not telling him off and just walking away knowing that silence is ok with you. Walk away. You have to find piece within yourself and no one can do that but you.

March 5, 2011

MM/OM only love the extra booty they're getting.

Your opinion but obviously not shared by another xMM or many others

All of them are the same.

Your opinion

She's not betrayed in any way. She knew what she was getting into from the start. No need for some I-love-you-but-can't-be-with-you speech. Just go NC with the idiot and tell her husband she's been cheating.
Agree with OP not being betrayed as she was M at the outset and had the chance to leave for him.

My responses in bold.

OP - I would also like to say that I think you should tell him what you think. Then you should tell your husband what you did and see what he thinks about what betrayal he's felt at your hand. You say you're committed to making your M work but you're still worried about the OM. You're not convincing me so I doubt youre convincing yourself.

March 5, 2011

I don't think he has the capacity to empathize with your pain. But I do. I know the pain all too well. To see someone you care for plan and follow through with building a future with another is heart breaking. Give yourself permission to fully feel how ****ty this was/is.

I agree with other respondents that it isn't worth reengaging with this a-hole. He may try to make you feel better and then get you back on the roller coaster ride.

((()))

Yep, everytime I try to distance myself just a little bit, he can probably feel it and tries to get me back in.

March 5, 2011

My responses in bold.

OP - I would also like to say that I think you should tell him what you think. Then you should tell your husband what you did and see what he thinks about what betrayal he's felt at your hand. You say you're committed to making your M work but you're still worried about the OM. You're not convincing me so I doubt youre convincing yourself.

Advising OP to tell H about xOM really doesn't resonate with me unless you were being sarcastic, Summer Breeze. But I've seen it before. Is it a standard like advocating for NC? Why tell people to do this? You do know that in some cultures they stone women for adultery, right? Ok, that's a bit extreme although it does happen. But please explain to me why it is so important to tell a spouse who is otherwise ignorant that his/her life has been a lie for the last x months? Is it always necessary?

OP, forget about xOM. He will get the hint eventually without further contact from you. You want to work on your M? Decide now to do whatever it takes to get your M working and for the next 12 months, FOCUS.

March 5, 2011

Yep, everytime I try to distance myself just a little bit, he can probably feel it and tries to get me back in.

Sankandlauren ooo some nasty stuff flying here, but take the good & leave the mean comments. I've been where you are, and am still healing. I could have written your posts a while back, before I found this site, which has helped immensely aside from the occasional sniping and mean comments here.

I understand about the hooker comment, and about being dragged back in over & over again. And the bursting into tear while driving, yeah isn't THAT fun. It's almost like you can't believe someone, another human, has treated you so shabbily. From where I stand, cut if off, and go NC. Please do not consider him human enough to understand or CARE about your pain. It is all about him and what he feels and wants, and I hate to say it, but you were fun, plain pure & simple. Keep your fun for your husband and throw the effort in there, and the healing will begin. NC is an absolute must. These men are manipulative and can reel you back i with a sweet word albeit insincere, or a touch. I know that you work with him, so work and only work, and no talking anything personal with him. If he asks how you are, by chance, on the phone, simply say I have to go and hang up. Please do not engage. Save yourself, save your soul and save your self esteem.

March 5, 2011

OMG.

Tell OM what she thinks? For what? She caused enough damage by messing with him.

What do you think will happen he discovers this? That he will be happy?

Don't have any idea where you're coming from. I don't think she's going to cause any damage by telling him what she thinks. I think she has a need inside her to do it and she's not going to let it go till she does. If she just does it then it's out of the way. What's the sense in trying to avoid it. It won't make any difference one way or the other but it might get her moving on.

Yeah I think he'll be thrilled. THAT was sarcasm. What an idiotic question. I said it because she was going on as she'd been betrayed and I was making the comparison to her perceived betrayal from the OM to what her H was getting from her.

March 5, 2011

Advising OP to tell H about xOM really doesn't resonate with me unless you were being sarcastic, Summer Breeze. But I've seen it before. Is it a standard like advocating for NC? Why tell people to do this? You do know that in some cultures they stone women for adultery, right? Ok, that's a bit extreme although it does happen. But please explain to me why it is so important to tell a spouse who is otherwise ignorant that his/her life has been a lie for the last x months? Is it always necessary?

OP, forget about xOM. He will get the hint eventually without further contact from you. You want to work on your M? Decide now to do whatever it takes to get your M working and for the next 12 months, FOCUS.

Nope. I don't think NC is always the answer. I do normally tend to agree the BS deserves to know. In this particular situation I was trying to have the OP look at the betrayal she felt, which should have been zip, and what her H would feel if he realized just what she'd done behind his back.

I was a BS and had some significant people in my life know he was cheating on me. I don't call them friends anymore. I normall think that is what should be done.

Focus for 12 months and get things great. That's fab. Then H finds out about the A and realizes she not only did it, but then lied about it after and got on with things and settled on him after the big betrayal by the OM. Huh if I were her H that wouldn't be how I'd want it played out.

March 5, 2011

I was a BS and had some significant people in my life know he was cheating on me. I don't call them friends anymore. I normall think that is what should be done.

Focus for 12 months and get things great. That's fab. Then H finds out about the A and realizes she not only did it, but then lied about it after and got on with things and settled on him after the big betrayal by the OM. Huh if I were her H that wouldn't be how I'd want it played out.

Incorrect. I think you still have anger about being a BS. TRUE FRIENDS who knew about the betrayal are one thing. I agree with you that they should have told you. Casual acquaintences are another.

This "wife" of this MM is not a friend on the OPs and telling her about the MM's transgression would be stirring the pot & sticking one's nose where it does not belong. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors of a marriage, and I would BET that is why your "friends" did not tell you. No one with half a brain wants to get into that.

And then who is to say that the wife would not tell the OP's husband? AGAIN I feel you are incorrect, and the husband does not need to know if the OP can put it all back together and fix her marriage. Spilling your guts just to 'clear the air' and feel all happy & good about yourself is very very selfish, and I feel that telling the husband just to be honest is a bunch of crap. That would ruin chances of her fixing her marriage. People are humans and make mistakes and we have no change of ever recovering gracefully and fixing them if we go blabbing our big mistakes to everyone, especially the spouses.

God is there to judge for mistakes, and no one else, Thank You.

March 6, 2011

Incorrect. I think you still have anger about being a BS. TRUE FRIENDS who knew about the betrayal are one thing. I agree with you that they should have told you. Casual acquaintences are another.

This "wife" of this MM is not a friend on the OPs and telling her about the MM's transgression would be stirring the pot & sticking one's nose where it does not belong. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors of a marriage, and I would BET that is why your "friends" did not tell you. No one with half a brain wants to get into that.

And then who is to say that the wife would not tell the OP's husband? AGAIN I feel you are incorrect, and the husband does not need to know if the OP can put it all back together and fix her marriage. Spilling your guts just to 'clear the air' and feel all happy & good about yourself is very very selfish, and I feel that telling the husband just to be honest is a bunch of crap. That would ruin chances of her fixing her marriage. People are humans and make mistakes and we have no change of ever recovering gracefully and fixing them if we go blabbing our big mistakes to everyone, especially the spouses.

God is there to judge for mistakes, and no one else, Thank You.

And God said the truth will come to light. Blab on.

March 6, 2011

xMM, here, with a male perspective.

Some MM really love, others use, others cake eat.
Here are possible things that will happen if you 'tell him off'

The evil bastard - this guy will sweet talk you. Hold you apologize, let you cry...empathize...and then he'll slip his hand onto your body and try to seduce you for another round of "stfu sex"

The forlorn lover - he'll cry, he'll be mad at you for wanting to erase memories that mean so much to him, he'll attack you as heartless, say how bad you hurt him

The simple user - he'll say, "gee, sorry, i never knew. So we're splitting the check on lunch, right?" and then move on

None of these are gratifying, are they?

This is what I would suggest:

I am ending this affair. This relationship is not healthy. it has been very painful for me, it has damaged me. I can no longer be involved with a married man. I do not want to have any contact with you from now on. Please do not attempt to contact me for anything.

If he asks you "why why what for why" say
You are a married man. I am no longer interested in dating a married man.

You can say (once) "I apologize if this breakup hurts you. The terms of this relationship have hurt me much more."

If he keeps talking, say "goodbye, have a nice life."

-leaves emotions (how mad you are, why you've been hurt, etc) out. If you get emotional...you might end up in a fight...or crying. Worst case: a really smooth player can turn this into 'makeup sex' and then you're back in hell

-don't say anything like "i wanted" or "i wish" or "i love(d) you." You are focusing on the way the world IS with this conversation, you are no longer focusing on daydreams

-you are not accusing him of specific things (beyond being married). His apologies won't fix the problem, won't make you feel better. Worse, he might defend himself.

This is a really good post.

Yep, everytime I try to distance myself just a little bit, he can probably feel it and tries to get me back in.

Which is why I would advocate NOT telling him you are done or that you don't want contact, ACTIONS speak louder than words. It is time for you to take YOUR power back.

Advising OP to tell H about xOM really doesn't resonate with me unless you were being sarcastic, Summer Breeze. But I've seen it before. Is it a standard like advocating for NC? Why tell people to do this? You do know that in some cultures they stone women for adultery, right? Ok, that's a bit extreme although it does happen. But please explain to me why it is so important to tell a spouse who is otherwise ignorant that his/her life has been a lie for the last x months? Is it always necessary?

OP, forget about xOM. He will get the hint eventually without further contact from you. You want to work on your M? Decide now to do whatever it takes to get your M working and for the next 12 months, FOCUS.

In regards to telling the spouse, many believe that you can't truly get a marriage back on track without TOTAL honesty. It is like being in an affair - the married person decides THEY need something else; and unknowingly, the betrayed person is exposed to STD's, a cheater gone mad, etc. By letting the betrayed spouse know about the affair, it gives the person who was cheated on an OPPORTUNITY to make THEIR OWN decisions based on their partners actions. I most certainly would like to know if my H chose to have an affair with someone - especially a physical affair. I would want to know if he said "I love you" to someone. I would also like to know that the reason he became distant wasn't because of ME, but because of his conflict with the affair. Many times betrayed spouses notice a HUGE change in their spouses behavior and think that they have done something wrong, when in reality, it was because of the cheater and the lies he/she was telling.

If a person who is married truly does repent for having an affair and is truly remorseful, they would tell their spouse so the spouse can be clued in to get an STD check, to make an informed decision on whether they want to work through a marriage or not and to have information that others may have - friends, co-workers, etc. People in affairs aren't as secretive as they like to think. Many times family members become privy to an affair and are torn on whether to tell or not. I think the family of the cheater tends to protect the cheater, whereas the family of the betrayed spouse will most likely let that betrayed spouse know what is going on. I think if a person is truly remorseful for their actions, they will OWN them and let their spouse know.

Incorrect. I think you still have anger about being a BS. TRUE FRIENDS who knew about the betrayal are one thing. I agree with you that they should have told you. Casual acquaintences are another.

This "wife" of this MM is not a friend on the OPs and telling her about the MM's transgression would be stirring the pot & sticking one's nose where it does not belong. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors of a marriage, and I would BET that is why your "friends" did not tell you. No one with half a brain wants to get into that.

And then who is to say that the wife would not tell the OP's husband? AGAIN I feel you are incorrect, and the husband does not need to know if the OP can put it all back together and fix her marriage. Spilling your guts just to 'clear the air' and feel all happy & good about yourself is very very selfish, and I feel that telling the husband just to be honest is a bunch of crap. That would ruin chances of her fixing her marriage. People are humans and make mistakes and we have no change of ever recovering gracefully and fixing them if we go blabbing our big mistakes to everyone, especially the spouses.

God is there to judge for mistakes, and no one else, Thank You.

I completely disagree. It isn't fair to the betrayed spouse to continue to be lied to, which not telling them constitutes lieing - it is a lie of omission. Part of a marriage/committed relationship is trust and honestly. Not to mention respect. Glad you think telling the spouse is a bunch of crap - have you been betrayed by a spouse? Many people here have been and I would bet that the majority would rather KNOW than not know. Once again, by not telling, the cheater is making decisions for a marriage that is not right or fair. The betrayed person has a right to know what has been happening with their spouse and they deserve the right to make their own informed decision on whether to try to work it through or not. IF there were marital problems which the cheater didn't address then by not being honest, the root of the issue is still there.

People make mistakes all the time. What defines someone is their ability to OWN their mistakes, take responsibility and make changes. Lying and deceiving are not things that help a marriage heal. Ask a betrayed spouse - as I did - which hurt more...the affair or the lies. MANY MANY said the lies.

March 6, 2011

And God said the truth will come to light. Blab on.

Why do you post here in this thread if you insist on being nasty? Please... go find another area to post in and shed light upon, etc. Are you planning on helping us see the light of our wrongs?

Apparently my "blabbing" must strike enough of a nerve with you to make a nasty remark!

March 6, 2011

Why do you post here in this thread if you insist on being nasty? Please... go find another area to post in and shed light upon, etc. Are you planning on helping us see the light of our wrongs?

Apparently my "blabbing" must strike enough of a nerve with you to make a nasty remark!

How is saying God said the truth will come to light...nasty:confused:. Please...feel free to put me on ignore. I am good with that

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Decided to end it, would you tell him how he hurted you or just let it go?

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