Explorer Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hello, This question will be more useful if directed at the ones whom have been in a marriage for preferably >5 years. But, if this isn't you and you still want to chime in, have at it. ...... I've been in a relationship for about a year and everything certainly has more pros than cons. I have had many relationships but feel pretty confident that this one is marriage material. I can go on and on about why I think so, but am more interested in hearing your feedback on what YOU think is most important to evaluate before going into the marriage decision. So, please advise. Explorer
ShatteredReality Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I've been married over 10.5 yrs. We dated 2yrs before we got married, off and on. The lists I made then of what I felt was important, and the list I would make now are quite different....they still contain some of the same things, such as - he must love me and show evidence of this, we must have mutual respect for one another, We must both put effort into making things work - stuff like that. But now I also realize communication is a huge must. I mean I knew it before, but I didn't get it until later. You need to be able to be vulnerable with her and she with you. You need to be best friends. You need to know how to have fun together, with or without $, with or without sex, with or without alone time....that covers job loss, surgery or other issues, kids....it's important that the same things that are important to you be important to her, and vice versa - even if you don't entirely understand why it's important to the other person. Basically, when you get married you are kind of becoming like one person. You are sharing your lives together - not living apart on your own anymore doing your own thing. You should always consider one another before you do things, and stand up for one another in conflicts with family or friends. If it's your family, you stand up for her, if it's hers, she stands up for you, etc. Trust is a must. But also put away the naivity that says you'll never cheat on one another. Instead take precautions to make it not happen, if you get into certain habits early on then if you have a low point in the marriage (it happens to pretty much everyone) if someone comes along and distracts you there are already safeguards up to prevent something bad from happening. Such as exchanging pw's for e-mail and such - this doesn't mean go rooting through eachothers stuff, but the ability to is enough. Alternately or in addition you can make sure you always tell eachother where you're going, consult eachother before making plans that won't involve the other - Guys invited me out for drinks, you didn't have plans did you honey? This is not to be confused with asking permission - but when you are truly considering your spouse it's a show of respect that you talk to them about these things before just going about and doing them. Hopefully I don't sound too strict or anything...my H and I do these things automatically and they don't at all feel caging or anything like that. Occasionally I'll get teased by some of my more "free" girlfriends about consulting him before doing things, but most of my friends who have been successfully and happily married for a long time do the same thing. Oh, another thing, try not to go to bed angry. Sometimes it can't be helped, but if you can at least apologize to one another, kiss and make up kind of thing the following day you can have civilized discussions. And ALWAYS apologize...even if you don't feel you're wrong - someone has to take a step forward to end disputes...and you're probably sorry for SOMEthing, even if it's just keeping the argument going.
denise_xo Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I've been married between 5 and 10 years (sorry, I'm never exact with personal info on online forums). I think the following are important to consider/evaluate: - agreement on children - sexual compatibility - communication levels/ styles - similar goals (so that pursuit of individual goals will not contradict joint goals) - basic agreements on practical aspects such as where to live/ basic life style/ balance between work and family life
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