TryTryAgain Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hello all. Reading everyone's experiences has really helped me in the last several weeks. Thanks in advance if anyone can give me their insights. Just a little background. I'm 30, she's 26. Never met a girl like her. I love her with all my heart. We have known each other for a little over a year and half. During that time, we have broken up twice and are now on sort of an ambiguous "break." In each instance, she broke up with me because she didn't feel we were right for each other. The first breakup was 3 months into the relationship. She came back to me after 3 weeks of NC. It blew me away because I've never had a girl come back. We were back together for about 2 months when she broke up with me again for pretty much the same reason. This time there were some very final words on her part..."please realize there won't be another chance in the future. We just aren't right for each other." I was devastated. 10 months goes by with very limited contact and I was floored when she suggested we meet up this past December. She said a lot of very heartfelt things along with apologies for all of the hurt she has caused me. I forgave her and we starting dating again at the beginning of January of this year. After only about 3-4 weeks of taking it slow, she began acting distant and I could sense another impending breakup. She told me the relationship was stressing her out. She started saying things like, "I don't want to hurt you again," "I don't know if I'm making the right decision about us," "I don't trust myself." These are similar things she has said in the past, but it also didn't help that she was right in the middle of putting a contract on a house when the distance started. We had a bit of a fight and I suggested we take a "break" so that she could get through all the hosue stuff and then go from there. I told her I did not want to lose her again and she said the same back to me. I should add that before we parted she said, "I don't know when I will call you or when I will have time to hang out." I didn't push the issue and left it at that. The break started about 1 month ago. During that time, she had her birthday and of course Valentine's Day passed. I failed NC twice in the first few weeks of the break: once after 1 week NC where I sent her a happy "belated" birthday text, and the second time when I sent her flowers to her work on Valentine's Day. I got absolutely no response in either case, which surprised the hell out of me. That was it though, one text and delivered flowers. Not another peep out of me. It has been about 2.5 weeks strict NC since the flowers. I realize both gestures probably pushed her further away and only added to the stress she was already feeling about us. So, my questions are:Given the circumstances of the "break" (which I suggested), should a non-response from her be interpretted as "it's over, leave me alone"?Since I initiated the "break," should I also reach out when "all of the house stuff settles down" (i.e. a few weeks after her mid-march move-in date)?Should I just let it be and move on?The non-reponse to both gestures really threw me for a loop. In both cases, I expected at least an acknowledgement of receiving the text and the flowers. I guess I'm just scared that this may be her way of telling me to dump her this time. I'm leaning towards maintaining strict NC. I'm really hurting right now and I probably need to just get on with my life. I truly don't think she's the type of person who would leave me hanging, but her actions have surprised me in the past, so I wouldn't put it past her. Again, thanks for reading.
Rose T Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) Hi TryTryAgain, sorry you've been going through this and welcome to the boards. Break-ups disguised as breaks can be particularly harrowing. I know you sort of suggested the last break, but she seemed to run with it. Sounds like you were pretty restrained with your contact - the text message and flowers - and I'm not suprised you were hurt that she didn't reply. But I think the issue here is not just the reaction or lack of it during the break - you probably need to wind back and look at the whole story. I also know how hard it is to pull away from someone when they give you the impression that if you can just keep the momentum going, you can save the relationship. Sadly, here you need to be looking at her actions, not her words... which means ignoring things like "I don't want to hurt you", "I don't trust myself", and looking at what she's actually doing, ok? In my (reasonably limited!) experience, the honeymoon period of a relationship is usually the first six months or so, after which it settles into something a bit more relaxed when you start to bond and really cement those feelings of enjoying being a couple. If someone leaves after the first three months, it signals a problem. Your ex was potentially actually pretty honest with the first break-up, that you weren't right for each other in her opinion. What didn't help your healing then was her coming back and then breaking up again for the second time. This probably should have been the sign for you to walk away (although by the time you've invested twice, I understand you feeling that you didn't want to give up on this.) The recent return was the worst experience of the three, I suspect, because (I'm sorry to say) she has learned that she can pull away and come back without any repercussions. So this time, for whatever her reasons, she's kind of used you as a pick-me-up and then vanished again. She only managed a month this time - she's been getting flakier. Now for a bit of tough love - maybe you shouldn't be asking why she's not replying, but why would you want a girl back who picks you up and drops out as she pleases? I know you think she's special but really, you should probably have closed the door last february when she vanished. This third time she's really messed you around. You have to love yourself more than her, you know? This relationship does not have a healthy future and you should have a think about your boundaries for future relationships. How many times can a person let you down, before you draw the line and say, thanks but no thanks? Love does involve forgiveness, but right now you might need to forgive yourself for whatever you think you've done in this relationship and know that actually, you did your best. You've given her plenty of forgiveness and support over the past year and it really is time to focus on you and move on. You haven't failed. Try and use NC to heal. Edited March 3, 2011 by Rose T
Author TryTryAgain Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Rose - Thanks for the reply. I hear everything you are saying. I do question why I should want someone who repeatedly exhibits this type of behavior. I can't explain why I still want her, but the fact is I do. It's a common theme I see on here. We want people who don't want us, even after they have caused us despair. I have my fair share of issues. Even though I have a great job, good education, nice home, great friends, great family, etc., I still have low self-esteem and I especially lack self-confidence when it comes to relationships. In all 4 of the serious relationships I have been in, I was always the dumpee. It has generally taken me YEARS, not months, to get over each of my failed relationships. I'm pretty sure I will remain in strict NC. I want to heal. I want get on with my life. There is still a part of me that hopes NC will bring her back once again though, but I know that is the wrong motivation. I don't doubt she will reach out in the future. I'm just afraid I won't be able to have the guts to tell her "no". Ultimately, I know that's what needs to happen though.
Rose T Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hi TryTryAgain - well, I'm always the dumpee too lol, I think it's because I'm actually in relationships because I like the other person (shock horror!!) and I stay because I believe there's something worth building towards, but I'm trying to work on protecting my own interests better. We're probably just hopeless romantics but it's a good quality, you know, trying to battle your way through problems to save the relationships you're in. As in all aspects of life, I guess we sometimes have to pick our battles more wisely. A couple of things about self-esteem - you know, no-one can actually decide your level of self-esteem except you. You have some great things going for you, so maybe you could have a think about why you don't think you deserve someone who treats you amazingly and wants your happiness as much as your own? (I hope you don't think I'm going too much into counsellor mode, I have a friend who's a wicked therapist and we were having this conversation the other day). Sometimes very capable and clever people are used to fighting for things and they look for relationships in which they have to battle and chase, but you could always try letting someone in who's crazy about you to start with. Do think about your self-esteem in the mean-time though, I've realised that mine is low because I have some personality traits I don't like, but I'm working on them. I'm hoping that if I can balance out those qualities, I'll start believing that I deserve better and I'll also be a better partner in the future. Hope that sort of makes sense.
Author TryTryAgain Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Again, that all absolutely makes sense. I know I deserve better. I have friends telling me all the time that if anyone deserves it, it's me. Yeah, people like me. I get along with everyone. That's why it is so frustrating that the person who I want rejects me. Rejection is hard enough, but repeated acceptance followed by rejection really f**ks up your heart and soul. And I realize I am guilty party in this because I have allowed it to happen.
Author TryTryAgain Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Oh, and what's especially tough is that even though I have low self-esteem, I do generally like the person I am, so it's hard to fathom having to make changes/adjustments to my personality. I really like the following quote from John Candy in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: "You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get." That's sort of how I feel right now.
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