2 weeks since breaking NC, recovering well then BAM! Hit another low

[Tofu]

Hey Loveshackers it seems like awhile since i poked my head around here but I was wondering if you guys could give me some reassurance about sticking by my NC. So ive kept a solid 2 weeks of NC and have felt the healing effects of it during that time since for one thing i didnt feel pain when she pops into my mind and i could sleep properly once again, felt like i could move on from the whole thing finally. I guess a key reason i felt comfortable being in NC was cos of the continuous negative thoughts and at times anger i felt towards her whenever she came to my head, for not giving our relationship a chance before breaking it off and then within a week of us splitting i am almost certain she started dating another guy which made me feel cheated on, in fact i kept telling myself i was cheated on even tho im not sure even now so it would make me feel better and that she just wasnt worth it.

 

Before the day i went solid NC i poked around her facebook to see a valentines day card from this guy and then a few days later him posting a '<3' on her well with her replying with a '<3' as well just made my heart sink cos it was just bout enough proof for me at the time to assume they were together and i instantly deleted all connections i had with her, fb, msn, phone etc. He had feelings for her before which started around xmas time and she too admitted she developed a liking to him as well but she stuck by me insisting she could only see a future with me, that didnt turn out so true tho which is why i am 80% sure theyre probs together now. This left a v strong reason for me to build up anger and believe that us being away from each other (possibly forever) was for the best. I felt happier again and spent alot of time catching up with mates and their reassurance bout the whole thing with my ex helped me feel better and like myself once again.

 

There was still small shreds of doubt in me that if she did reach out to me i wouldnt know wat to do for the life of me cos i was starting to feel comfy being single again thats why i decided to see a counsellor to see how he viewed the whole situation and hopefully he could give me ideas on how to fully move on. I hadnt talked about my breakup story in over a week and me opening up and telling it from start to end once again was actually quite uncomfortable cos it made me think so v deeply about her again and me expressing the same worries and regrets i had on week 1 of the breakup just came back to haunt me and driving me back to this low point im in once again. Like last night i still wished she was still with me and even woke up at 4am to a dream about her which only demoralized me more when i figured, nope shes still gone.

 

I have no strong urge to break NC cos i feel its abit too late to reach out to her and try to end things on 'good terms' since we kinda left it on a sort of cliffhanger that day when neither of us reached out to talk bout wanting NC and just let us go our separate ways for now... we didnt say those things and i then deleted her from everything that connected us, i feel it was the right move but i cant help but wonder wat she thought of it all... like does she think i detest her so much i nvr want to hear from her anymore or does she realize we both need time apart to recover? I still feel words were left unsaid that day and i just hope it doesnt mean we'll nvr hear from each other again for the rest of our lives, because in the end i still care about her and she was a v special person that touched on my life.

 

Damn and i was going to keep this short as well, thanks for your patience in reading another of my essays

[Rose T]

Hi Tofu! Wow, I really recognise that rollercoaster of emotions that you describe, I've been going through a similar situation myself. You know, you had a important relationship and I'm sure she thinks about you, when there is another guy in the picture it complicates things however and kind of allows her to defer her grief for your relationship, which may yet arrive.

 

I've been going through all kinds of thoughts about my ex and his new girl (she was the OW), what I've realised is that you can't get through to them while they're in the haze of the new relationship.

 

The future or the healthiness of that new relationship is debateable, especially if there was an overlap with you, which is so screwed up. But you know what? You have to let their relationship grow and wither in its own, sweet time. I'm sure she'll be in touch with you eventually, maybe when the relationship starts to lose its shine, but that's just BS anyway.

 

You know exactly what the right thing to do is - that NC is helping you put the distance between you and her that you need to establish, but hey, it's never easy. Just keep chalking up the NC days and don't feel down when you have bad moments - ups and downs are normal, the important thing is moving in the right direction.

[depplover_1980]

Hey, counselling can do that as there are emotions we push underneath the surface through strength. I myself saw my own counsellor tonight for the first time in months and broke down crying about my ex. Tonight I've dumped the wonderful new guy i've been seeing, so I can be alone for a while. I prefer it that way it seems.

[Rose T]

Hey depp! hope you're ok. Kudos for you for keeping it real and knowing that you weren't ready for this just yet. When it's the right time and the right guy, I'm sure you'll feel the lightness and strength in your heart to push on past your ex. Thanks for sharing.

[timchambo]

Tofu,

 

So you want your ex back after she left you for another guy? My ex did the same and I am convincing myself I don't want her back ever. When I think about who she was before she left, it hurts and I want her back. When she left she denied it was for another guy, even though her friends and other evidence said differently. To me that is cheating. You don't leave your SO for a stranger. You leave when you have feelings for another person. The only way those feelings are developed is when there is emotional and/or physical cheating going on. I can't look past that myself.

 

I would give anything to go back 6 months to that girl I loved. But I am convinced she either never existed or changed into a person I don't want anymore. I ask, why do you want her back? Not to belittle you in anyway, but just curious to the reasoning here. I told my ex to never contact me again, which seems to be exactly what you are trying to avoid. Same situation, but different approaches.

[depplover_1980]

Hey depp! hope you're ok. Kudos for you for keeping it real and knowing that you weren't ready for this just yet. When it's the right time and the right guy, I'm sure you'll feel the lightness and strength in your heart to push on past your ex. Thanks for sharing.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread Tofu, you know I luv ya.

 

Rose T, perhaps I will one day but I am really independant you know? This new guy is great, but I could already feel my emotions wavering and i've gone 'waaiiit, I need to look after myself'. Also he was too nice, buying me presents and texting all the time - I definately like men that are a bit of a challenge and busy themselves, he was too nice!!

[Call Me Al]

I think dumping someone to find yourself shows a level of strength a lot of people fail to exhibit in relationships. Often times, its just "ouch this hurts"..then bounce to the next without resolving the problem at hand.

 

Im starting therapy this Saturday. Im looking forward to it a great deal. I still love my ex girlfriend...and I maybe always will, but I need to accept that she isnt coming back.

[spackle]

Sorry to hijack your thread Tofu, you know I luv ya.

 

Rose T, perhaps I will one day but I am really independant you know? This new guy is great, but I could already feel my emotions wavering and i've gone 'waaiiit, I need to look after myself'. Also he was too nice, buying me presents and texting all the time - I definately like men that are a bit of a challenge and busy themselves, he was too nice!!

 

send him to me, I could do with some nice.

[depplover_1980]

send him to me, I could do with some nice.

 

He's flying through the air! Wait there he is and CATCH!

[Tofu]

Rose T - Yeh thats what ive thought to myself as well making any sort of contact is going to achieve nothing but further heartache. Their relationship now is nothing to do with me and just pondering bout it is only going to be like punching myself in the chest for the hell of it, yet these thoughts just nvr seem to fade and i still do wonder how shes coping now in life without me around. Admittedly i would be so happy if she did contact me again sometime in the future when im done recovering and feel comfortable that were no longer together, completely losing someone i had such a deep connection to just seems like such a waste

 

Depp - Aww im sorry to hear it things didnt work out so well with the new guy, hope youre coping alright with it all wish i could hug you right now! Its good you realized you werent ready tho rather than holding onto a relationship you werent fully comfortable with, I find it amazing how you figured it just wasnt right for you to be in a relationship yet I dont think I could do the same, no worries bout the hijack btw Youre right tho about the counselling, they were thoughts i just wanted to not dwell on too deeply again but i guess if anything is to be achieved the counsellor needs an full understanding of the situation as well so walking back to discuss these past worries and regrets is all part of the counsellors healing process i guess.

 

Tim - I felt the same as well and had pure thoughts that i would nvr ever take her back again after what she had done, i kept telling myself that hoping it would stick and it did help me heal but deep down i know that if she rang me or came to my front door asking for a 2nd chance and work things out i would accept that. Why I would do that? I guess its cos of the uncertainty on whether she did cheat and on the day we broke up she kept on insisting that i shouldnt doubt that she still loved me and the whole breakup affected her just as painfully as well when i saw her, blaming it entirely on our distance. Shes only 17 and me 20 and i was literally her 1st proper boyfriend so she had hardly any experience with it all, my friend told me not to hate her for it cos in the end she is still too young to understand relationships. The biggest doubt i still have is on the day we broke up and we decided to settle with it we still hung out together afterwards just talking and having fun together (felt as if we nvr broke up) and when i was bout to leave for the train station i asked if i could kiss her before i left and she jumped straight towards me where we shared the longest kiss we had ever had... if she didnt still have feelings for me would she have been so instinctive to do that? Maybe it really was just the long distance and then when i went NC this guy took advantage of me not being there anymore and hooked up with her. I dont know, theres many 'ifs' and 'maybes' but its hurting my head right now just dwelling on it

[roman_pavluchenko]

i deleted my ex from everything, wondered what she would think of it, i saw her a few days later and she seemed fine so i was like oh ok...I found out today that she only just realised i had done it (i sent her another friend request because i wanted her to know i didn't hate her, i just needed to forget about her for a bit) she was furious apparently said i was immature and shiz

[Kic]

Remember, even when her new relationship has run it's course, she'll still need time after that, perhaps a few months, to reflect on her experiences and realize what she wants. You don't want to be her rebound after her and the new guy are through.

 

My point is, assume you're not going to be with her for months, perhaps even years, if ever again. That may help motivate you to heal faster and forget her more quickly.