What I was spared, not what I lost, dating somebody with low self esteem and baggage

[Rap17]

I don't look at this relationship with her as haunting me. I gave it 100 percent. I could not have done things any differently really to get a different result. It wasn't my choice to end things. I was never given any feedback other than "I want to be with you forever." I was doing my part to create a lasting relationship with her. I handled the aftermath with dignity and didn't do anything to push her away any further. I have no regrets.

 

I guess what I meant is that this will be the one relationship that was probably the toughest to get over, the one that created the most scars. But I will NOT let it defeat me! Defeat is not an option from this.

 

Great position and mental state to be in GP. I did push her further away with begging and pleading, but I didnt send her one billion texts or anything like that. Met up a couple of times, 3-4 weeks apart. Sent her a few texts, approached her while drunk. Dumb mistakes, but hey, Im not blaming myself anymore. I can honestly say I never was hurtful towards her, and the "mistakes" I made post breakup came with the best of intentions and love for her. I can at least sit back and say that I was always very loving and gave her all the trust in the world.

 

Its only now, having jumped on the NC wagon, that I can clearly see and honestly tell myself that I really didnt do anything wrong per say. Sure, I still love her but Im finding peace and acceptance. I will admit that it was a mistake on my part jumping between NC and LC for four months. It slowed down my healing considerably, but my heart was at the steering wheel for a long time.

 

Today I saw a picture of her by pure chance, (Although Im staying off FB as well now), and I immediatly got that numb pain in my chest region, but it dissapeared a couple of hours after. I hope thats a good sign, and that NC is working for me. I do feel stronger, and I too will not bow down and accept defeat. If anything, we should feel proud that were capable of giving it our best shot.

[GreenPolicy]

This is an email my ex wrote me on November 10th (roughly 2 months before she broke up with me) The disease she is speaking about is endometriosis.

 

Hey baby! it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I also realized that sometimes it's easier to write how I feel then tell you. First off, i want to say that I love you soooo much. You are so sweet and funny and handsome and you're my favorite! LOL But I also want us to discuss my disease a little more. I am so impressed that you took it upon yourself to read up on it and become more familiar with it. I also love that you are making suggestions and trying to get involved in me feeling better. I did a little reading tonight on how I can help you. i think i am just a little scared because my diease was one reason that my marriage went down in flames. I want this relationship to work and so i want to help you help me.

 

This disease is hard for people to understand because it is not visible and pain and fatigue are relative. All you can do is trust the fact that i am in pain, i am nauseous, and I am soooo fatigued. People like me have a hard time performing in school, at work, and in relationships. I will get every sickness that goes around town because my immune system is comprimised. I will need more sleep then a normal person. I will need to take naps often. I will get cranky and even mean when i am in pain and fatigued. it will be hard for me to get out of bed some days. It will be hard for me to do anything more than take a shower some days. I will make plans that often I can't complete. I will make promises that I sometimes can't keep. I will frustrate and anger you because I will always be frustrated and angry. I will get depressed and blame myself for this and have days where I just need you to remind me that it's not me... it's the disease. This is a chronic and possible lifelong disease and we both need to understand that some days, the disease will win. What I want from you is that we both fight to make sure the disease does not win over our relationship.

 

Furthermore, I've been wanting to tell you something that I don't want you to take the wrong way. I want you to know that I want a child more than anything in the world. It has been my only real aspiration since I was 2 or 3 years old. I know we aren't for sure that I can't have kids, but it is very likely that I can't. The mere thought of that is agonizing and depressing for me. It makes me sick every holiday being around all my cousins and siblings and their new babies and perfect families. I hate that I feel that way, but I get jealous in way, angry in another, and anxious that I may never have that. I love (my son) and love having him in my life. But please realize that sometimes it's hard for me. You are a wonderful father and I wish so much that you could be a father to my children. But also understand that as (my son) gets older and we continue to experience all these "firsts" in his life, that it is very bittersweet for me. Again, I hate that it makes me feel this way, but I get depressed everytime thinking that I may never have a child to share those things with. It's just not the same when it's someone else's child. Don't get me wrong that I love my role in his life, but know that especially for a woman, that it's very very different when it is not your own. I also think that if I didn't have this disease, that this really wouldn't be as big of a problem. Cause with the disease, it's almost like a sick joke or an evil taunt that someone like (my baby's mother) can get pregnant in a week and someone like me may never ever ever get pregnant. Again don't think this is bad, just know I am very emotional as a result and may need some extra lovies everytime we go through something with (my son). All I want is a hug or a kiss or a smile that acknowledges that you know what I may be feeling.

 

Well I love you and your son and can't imagine life without you! Thank you for everything you do! We can talk about this more this weekend. I just wanted to write it all out Love you love you!

----------------

We moved in together on December 1st and she kicked us both out (well technically I decided to leave when she dumped me over facebook) on Jan 14th. Her reasoning, and I quote, "I just wasn't happy. I just wasn't ready for a family and all that. I found myself interested in someone else, dont worry nothing has happened and probably wont but I didn't think I should be wondering about someone else if I were with you"

 

Took me 2 weeks to move out all my stuff.

 

The reason I brought this out is because I wanted to highlight the parts in bold that I believe some of you are discussing. Do you think this is classic signs of a CP? I mean, to say this kind of stuff only 2 months prior to dumping me? It just doesn't make any sense and it hurts me deeply.

 

I'm currently on 33 days of NC and didn't respond on Feb 9th (the one time she's txt'd me since I left)...

 

Just wanted someone input from you guys...

 

Yeah, that's classic CP/intimacy issues. These people are emotionally unstable and can change their minds in a hurry. You can't fall completely out of love with somebody in two months. One thing I learned in the book is that active runners (which is what these people are) still have feelings of attachment for you when they break things off. Part of why they are able to do that is because they honestly believe that should life after you not turn out so good, they can come back down the line. They might have to beg, plead and promise to change, but they honestly think you'll take them back.

 

It is NO coincidence at all that your Ex broke things off shortly after you guys moved in together. A commitment-phobe seeks out the sweetness of relationships and then tosses it aside when they feel themselves getting too close to their partner, or after an event has occurred that deepens the relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, etc). In my case I was firming up plans to formally propose to her. We had been together almost a year. I didn't want to get her a cheap ring, so I informed her of my plans to get a second job on nights and weekends to save up to get her something nice. These people are basically cowards when it comes to love.

[cerridwen]

Greenpolicy,

In a former incarnation, I was laden with baggage and low self-esteem.

Someone was unlucky enough to marry me at the time and I unintentionally made his life hell. Here may be a glimpse of what you missed.

 

 

Because of my issues

 

• I never fully appreciated him though he was a spectacular person. I had G.I.G.S out the wazoo. The Groucho Marx saying "I would not join any club that would have me as a member" was at work in my subconscious. The moment he married me, was the moment I emotionally bolted.
  

 

 

• I secretly felt substandard so I constantly sought (non-physical) validation from other sources. His validation was not enough.
  

 

 

• I was moody and difficult to live with as I was never emotionally at rest. Unfortunately for him, he is drawn to troubled artistic types. I've since cured him of that affliction.
  

 

 

• He could never do enough. I was a bottomless pit of un-verbalized neediness. I expected him to be a mind-reader. When he wasn't I withdrew further.
  

 

 

• I did not partner him in the marriage. Mentally, I had one foot out the door (intimacy issues) so I never fully engaged. I would not participate in common tasks married people share or pursue common goals. He was left feeling isolated, helpless, desperately alone. He went to weddings by himself, family functions, friends' parties. I withdrew completely.
  

 

 

• I withheld sex for such an ungodly amount of time, I can't bring myself to write it here even anonymously.
  

We separated after 7 years together.

 

I went into therapy and worked my a$$ off getting to the bottom of my problems.

Part of the issue was physical, the remaining I threw myself into resolving.

We reunited but then HIS problems (physical) surfaced and he chose to divorce after an additional 3 years.

 

Ironically, we're now closer than ever.

We're best friends and cite each other as the best people we know.

We talk several times a day and I would take a bullet for this kid.

Is it a unique outcome? I think so. However, what I put him through is not. And I don't wish any of it on you, Greenpolicy.

[wmrjw82]

One thing I learned in the book is that active runners (which is what these people are) still have feelings of attachment for you when they break things off. Part of why they are able to do that is because they honestly believe that should life after you not turn out so good, they can come back down the line. They might have to beg, plead and promise to change, but they honestly think you'll take them back.

 

So I know this is detrimental to me moving on, but should I hold out hope that one day she will come back? I feel like i'll never talk to her again. I mean, the woman let me and my son move out. She told me she was interested in another guy and she did all this 3 weeks before my custody trial. I'm only 35 days no contact but I also know she's very proud and I don't see any woman trying to come back once they've done something that damaging. Oh yea, she also managed to say that she only loved me to an "extent" and that I wasn't the "one" and one day when she was pissed off at me she goes...

 

"I dont love you....!!!!"

"I will never marry you ever!!!!!!!!!!"

"End of story"

 

I mean straight up CRUEL.

 

Then the day of the trial comes (little did she know it got pushed back) and she txts me...

 

"I prayed for you. What went down"

 

No reply from me...

 

7 hrs later... "so? what happened with custody?"

 

I never replied. ****ing WACKO.

 

I shouldn't even want to talk to her again, but I think about her everyday. Ugh...

Edited March 6, 2011 by wmrjw82

[strangeways]

It is NO coincidence at all that your Ex broke things off shortly after you guys moved in together. A commitment-phobe seeks out the sweetness of relationships and then tosses it aside when they feel themselves getting too close to their partner, or after an event has occurred that deepens the relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, etc).

 

Yep. Moved in together on a Friday. Tuesday it was over. She moved out a week later. She was the one pushing for us to move in together (I wanted to as well).

 

Lots of other examples of similar behavior to those that have been mentioned.

 

It sort of makes me laugh now thinking about all the over-the-top nice things she said about me and what she wanted.

 

In almost 6 months of NC I got one meaningless email.

 

wmrjw82

No, don't hold out hope and wait. The likelihood is that she's gone for good.

 

This isn't just about you either. I have two sons (2 & 5) who she adored (apparently). Do you really want someone as unstable as her in your sons life, coming and going when she pleases? I don't. Terrible example for kids.

Edited March 6, 2011 by strangeways

[wmrjw82]

Do you really want someone as unstable as her in your sons life, coming and going when she pleases?

 

No, and hopefully someday soon my heart catches up with my head. I just constantly think of all the good she did for us and all the good times we shared.

[GeminiVirgo]

OMG you guys might as well be talking about my ex.

 

He broke up with me last weekend, we had been together 9 months and the relationship was still very much in the passionate stage. I was not ready to break up and i'm still in a bit of shock.

 

He has had a string of 6-12 month relationships during his 37 years. He says his girlfriends are always the ones to end it with him but I now realise it's because he sabotages the relationship with constant aggression and accusations until you feel so beaten up and hopeless you have to leave him to gather any remaining self respect.

 

He was never able to accept a compliment. He wasn't able to secure a decent job. When he did get a job he couldn't stick at it for longer than 5 minutes as he'd spit the dummy any time things got hard.

 

He's currently sleeping on the floor at his parents house because he can't afford to get his own place (because he can't secure or hold down a decent job). He's also blaming me for the fact he's feeling so bad about himself but his track record over the last 37 years indicates he's been feeling bad about himself for a lot longer than 9 months. He yells so loud when he gets nasty that the walls practically shake (while I sit there and say nothing) and to be honest I'm surprised my neighbour hasn't called the cops on him.

 

I always had to be the giver. To reassure him of how I felt. If I said "I love you" he'd say "no you don't", if I said I didn't want to break up he'd say "yes you do" and I never gave up trying to convince him how much I loved him. And to this day he'll probably tell you I really don't love him. It would be really nice to have someone look after my feelings for a change.

 

And just for the record, I have an awesome job, my own house near the beach, good friends and great hair, and everybody in my life thinks I should just give the guy the flick.

 

In all honesty I know I'm MUCH better off without him, but this damn NC thing is really hard!!!

 

After re-reading this post though I can't for the life of me work out why NC should be even the slightest bit difficult. NEVER falling in love again. I promise.

[strangeways]

No, and hopefully someday soon my heart catches up with my head. I just constantly think of all the good she did for us and all the good times we shared.

 

I get that. Even after almost 6 months of NC I still have my moments.

 

The kids aspect is one of the things I concentrated on at the beginning and what type of person I wanted around them. She seemed like someone I would, but she isn't. Even now my 5yo still mentions her occasionally.

 

Just takes time. You'll get there eventually.

[strangeways]

OMG you guys might as well be talking about my ex.

 

He broke up with me last weekend, we had been together 9 months and the relationship was still very much in the passionate stage. I was not ready to break up and i'm still in a bit of shock.

 

He has had a string of 6-12 month relationships during his 37 years. He says his girlfriends are always the ones to end it with him but I now realise it's because he sabotages the relationship with constant aggression and accusations until you feel so beaten up and hopeless you have to leave him to gather any remaining self respect.

 

He was never able to accept a compliment. He wasn't able to secure a decent job. When he did get a job he couldn't stick at it for longer than 5 minutes as he'd spit the dummy any time things got hard.

 

He's currently sleeping on the floor at his parents house because he can't afford to get his own place (because he can't secure or hold down a decent job). He's also blaming me for the fact he's feeling so bad about himself but his track record over the last 37 years indicates he's been feeling bad about himself for a lot longer than 9 months. He yells so loud when he gets nasty that the walls practically shake (while I sit there and say nothing) and to be honest I'm surprised my neighbour hasn't called the cops on him.

 

I always had to be the giver. To reassure him of how I felt. If I said "I love you" he'd say "no you don't", if I said I didn't want to break up he'd say "yes you do" and I never gave up trying to convince him how much I loved him. And to this day he'll probably tell you I really don't love him. It would be really nice to have someone look after my feelings for a change.

 

And just for the record, I have an awesome job, my own house near the beach, good friends and great hair, and everybody in my life thinks I should just give the guy the flick.

 

In all honesty I know I'm MUCH better off without him, but this damn NC thing is really hard!!!

 

After re-reading this post though I can't for the life of me work out why NC should be even the slightest bit difficult. NEVER falling in love again. I promise.

 

NC is one of those things that you get "used" to. The longer you can hold out the easier it gets. It's only been a week and so you're bound to be finding it difficult. At least you understand you can do MUCH better.

 

It sounds like he has very low self esteem. Very draining on you I imagine. My ex did as well and just couldn't take a compliment either, moved homes and jobs every year, longest relationship she had was 2 months (she's 28) before me. While she didn't have the outward signs of anger yours displays she internalized it and small things bothered her a lot.

 

Like you I realized how much time and energy I'd spent reassuring her, helping her out, basically, giving. And to be honest, looking back I got very little in return.

 

You sound like you're pretty well sorted in terms of other aspects of your life. As am I. It may have been that this bothered him as well. Certainly for my ex she liked my stability at the beginning. I think it was like a "break" for her but ultimately it made her feel even more unstable than she already felt (if that makes sense).

 

Stay with NC. It'll get better.

[GreenPolicy]

I have done well with the NC and I'm not going to risk the emotional distress that would ensue by breaking it. I'm just shy of five months myself. I feel more frustration than sadness these days. You have to get closure on your own. These relationships end like at the climax of a movie without any real resolution. I think the frustration I feel is partly because I believe that somewhere deep down inside of her is the person that fell in love with me and wanted to marry me, and she is repressing that person because of her fears, anxieties and insecurities. Not that I should hold out false hope that she'll ever reach out to me wanting to reconcile.

 

And the other frustration I feel is that really right up until the very end she was still very much engaged and invested in the relationship. I guess that's better than going through the motions for months on end and "faking" it, but it's just extremely deflating that she made her journey from total devotion to wanting me out of her life in a few weeks. My rational brain says I should not want to be with somebody who is that emotionally volatile, and even if she did call me up today and said sorry/I want to get back together, I'd be walking on eggshells wondering when she'd bail again. These kinds of relationships don't deteriorate and then end like normal ones. They don't end for logical and rational reasons. They end at the height of attachment and bonding because of the CP's issues. A breakup with a CP is the ultimate mindf*ck.

[strangeways]

Mindf**k. Yes.

 

I think, looking back, the things she said, did, pushed for were all her way of keeping me from leaving. She expected me to leave. That was her experience and to her it was inevitable. There was a time when we discussed splitting up due to certain circumstances. She practically begged me not to. We worked things out and everything was better than before.

 

It's funny. She once described herself as a mirror. Didn't think much of it at the time but, boy, I should have taken notice. She acts in a way that she thinks others want her to. She thinks that's what will make them stay.

 

I'm not even sure what she felt for me. But I've got to a point where I'm beyond that. I can walk away knowing I never lied to her or misrepresented my feelings for her. The consequences of her actions (if any) are hers to live with. Not mine.

 

S**t happens.

[Eddie Edirol]

And the other frustration I feel is that really right up until the very end she was still very much engaged and invested in the relationship. I guess that's better than going through the motions for months on end and "faking" it, but it's just extremely deflating that she made her journey from total devotion to wanting me out of her life in a few weeks. My rational brain says I should not want to be with somebody who is that emotionally volatile, and even if she did call me up today and said sorry/I want to get back together, I'd be walking on eggshells wondering when she'd bail again. These kinds of relationships don't deteriorate and then end like normal ones. They don't end for logical and rational reasons. They end at the height of attachment and bonding because of the CP's issues. A breakup with a CP is the ultimate mindf*ck.

 

You are thinking too much into this. The reasons are perfectly logical, simple and common. . All of the breakups that come through this board usually boil down to the same thing. Ive been the dumper and the dumpee in this same scenario. Someone lost interest for one reason or another - or never had it. I think your situation is that your gf used you as a rebound. You THINK she was engaged till the end, but she wasnt. I think She dated you to get over someone else. She probably thought it would be a quick fling to help her get over her ex, and you got too serious. Doesnt have to be recent breakup- she could have been pining for someone for years. She could have gone through a couple rebounds that didnt work before you. At the same time, she wanted to want to eventually be in a meaningful relationship with someone, and you happened along. She had to tell you what you needed to hear to keep you around and convince herself that you were what she wanted. If she told you that you were just bieng used as a rebound, you might not have stuck around. And if you did stick around, you would have looked like a doormat.

 

When I say she wanted to, that means she went through the motions hoping that she would eventually fall in love with you, but she never did. This happens all the time. Especially on this board, you can read around and see it all day every day. But she stayed with you for a year faking it until she couldnt take it anymore. Whatever it was about you was deficient for her, she couldnt get past it. You were supposed to make her forget, or you were supposed to fill a void, but you were not what she really wanted.

 

No matter how unromantic it is, you have to be constantly suspicious of rebounders for your own protection. Meaning you dont go all in for at least a year to make sure. You have to watch for red flags and keep them in the back of your head. And when you thought you were at the height of attachment and bonding in this relationship, you missed all of her signs that she was ready to leave you. No one is able to fake it that good if you can see the signs.

 

Of course thats only my opinion because you take no blame for her leaving. It could be that she was actually in love with you at some point and you just did things to chip away at her attraction to you over the course of a year, until she couldnt take it anymore. But I think in that instance you would have seen this coming.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[GreenPolicy]

Of course thats only my opinion because you take no blame for her leaving. It could be that she was actually in love with you at some point and you just did things to chip away at her attraction to you over the course of a year, until she couldnt take it anymore. But I think in that instance you would have seen this coming.

 

Eddie,

 

You may be right that she put the cart before the horse in our relationship and her feelings never properly developed. I would hope that's not the case, but it's a possibility. I have learned a very valuable lesson to NEVER discuss marriage or engagement until you have been together at least 1-2 years. That's part of why I am having a hard time getting over this: what was promised versus what was eventually withheld.

 

As far as not taking any blame for her leaving, all I can say is this: I gave 100 percent to that relationship. I wasn't perfect, but I was open, honest and willing, and doing my part to create a relationship with her that would last. The feedback I got for my efforts up until the end was that it was the best relationship she'd ever been in, she did things with me she had never done with any guy she had dated (meeting biological father, telling parents I was The One, her trying to arrange a dinner between the two sets of parents). She's not with me now, but I have a hard time believing she didn't love me, based on what I know of her previous dating history. If I was doing things that caused resentment or chipped away at her attraction to me, she hid it very well. The interest level and the passion on both sides was pretty even until almost the very end. I've been in situations before where the interest level is not even on both sides, where I was more interested and the woman was more interested. You can generally tell with these things, and right until the end I was getting close to the same amount I was giving. The bottom line is that there was a lot going on in her head that I was never privy to. I own 100 percent of my 50 percent, and if she ever communicated problems, I would have moved heaven and earth to fix them. What am I supposed to take ownership of? She really does strike me as a walkaway partner/spouse.

 

Now, having said all that, how do I myself avoid developing issues of my own due to this relationship? I've been on dates, and realized that I'm not really ready, five months down the line. You may be right that she was rebounding, or not in a proper mindset to give 100 percent to a relationship. I know for sure that I am in that boat right now. So how will I know when it's time to date again, and I can go in without any baggage or previous attachments?

Edited March 6, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[Eddie Edirol]

If I take the scenario that she was actually all in (she says she loves you doesnt mean she was actually "in love" with you), you putting 100 percent into the relationship doesnt mean that you didnt do anything wrong.

 

If youve dealt with women before you know that theres a balancing act of effort that you put in and get back. Theres tons of little things that you can do to kill her attraction that she wont tell you, if she feels she can deal with it, or if she is planning on breaking it off. Could be anything. The usual major ones are lack of ambition, smothering, bad sex, doormat behavior, pushing the relationship before she does, you know, all of the normal things you learn about relationships from making the mistakes. There are 50,000 ways on this board. Problem is I cant guess what they are in your case, its unique to you two. I mean, what makes you think there was so much going on in her head that you dont know? there probably wasnt-unless she was mentally unstable in some way. I dont think so, unless she would be kinda on and off with you to this day.

 

Heres how you know when to date. You HAVE to realize any little thing that you might have done to kill her attraction. That way you know not to make those mistakes again. Thats the only thing that will help you. People have baggage when they cant be rational about their mistakes. I dont think that will happen to you because you can recall with clarity whats going on. I learned not to listen to women when they give me too many compliments too often, because it reeks of guilt for knowing they are using me and not really bieng into me. But i also give them the benefit of the doubt and dont call them out on it unless Im ready for them to try and lie about it. Sucks.

 

Also, once you start dealing with different personalities again you will be able to decide if you are ready yet. it wont come from sitting at home trying to forget about your ex. You have to do things to forget about who she is. It might take another year before youre truly ready to date again without baggage. But you have to push yourself a lil also.