rainier Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 hi, I have been reading your posts for many weeks trying to gain insight and direction. It is so helpful to know that you are not alone since you are alienated from your friends and family to discuss your feelings. I will try and keep my story brief or at least as much as I can. My A started with a MM about a year and a half ago. He is 16 years older then me. I am also married with two small children. His children are college or older. We had been friends for about 6 years and there was always an attraction but neither would act on it. About 2 years ago one of his children suddenly died. It was devastating to him and his family. Since we were always friends I reached out to him and tried to support him during this time. A few months later our friendship grew and he basically came out and told me that he thought I was coming on to him(which I was not, just being a friend) but said I did not mean to make him uncomfortable so would back off. He call me later and told me not to. At the time, I was not unhappy in my marriage but maybe bored or looking for some attention. I am not sure why I let it pursue but something obviously made me. Fast forward now to what had developed. We were not intimate until 6 months later and he always said that he loved his wife and did not want to leave her. I always said that is not what I wanted and it was ok to be as he called "special friends" I nave finally realized that it is always how he feels, what he wants, when we meet, what are status it. He talks of his wife all the time to me and remarks on what a wonderful person she is. AT least once a month he tells me that he loves being with me and I am his soul mate but that he does not like himself.Because of the roller coaster up and down, I am always on guard and try to please him. I don't know why but don't want to let him go. We have ended it a couple of times but then still wants to be "friends" which ultimately leads to more. I started seeing a therapist. She believes he is manipulative and likes to control me. He knows he can get away with his behavior so he does. About a month ago I really tried to back off from him and reconnect with my husband,who people always say I should clone as the perfect husband, but why do I not appreciate him as I had before and long for the attention of someone who is hot and cold Anyway, my husband and I went away, reconnected and when I returned I was very distant from the MM. Not a week later he told me that he wanted to "submit" to me, be with me everyday and that he has tried but can't live without me. Over the next couple of days he was calling, texting and making plans to see me.I was emotionally back in! Not a few days later he asks me " Do you want to stay in your married?" I said I am so confused I don't know. He said that he sometimes thinks we are not on the same page and is content being married to his wife and she is a miracle woman for getting over all her pain, that he loves me but once again does not like himself. IT WAS A SLAP IN THE FACE ALL OVER AGAIN! I feel like he roped me back in just to let me down again.I want to say walk away but I can't. I have before and he becomes distant then eventually starts over.I am afraid to call his bluff in fear that he might really stay away even though I know this is probably what I should do. So a few things to add without going on too much. I am the one always making plans unless I pull back and then he does. He talks of his guilt but also talks about his wife only in a positive way not realizing or caring that he is hurting me. Is he doing this to convince himself of it or me? Should I just let him go and deal with the pain? Does he love me or just get a rise over controlling me or ego boost from a younger woman? When he talks of the guilt how should I react? I feel like I have no right to say anything since what we are doing is wrong. I am just so confused!!! I know you have all been there but how do you make that first step and regain your sense of self? I would like to think that he is a good person who is confused and not the manipulative master that others see him as. Last but definitely not least, my children. They worship their dad and I constantly feel guilty about disappointing or hurting them.
Star_Bright Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hi. The first step is to think about what is best for yourself and your kids, and to stay focused on that instead of anything about MM. It seems the death of his child was hard on him and he is probably still not thinking/acting very rationally. You can't let his problems become yours. You need to focus on yourself and your family. I know it is hard to untangle yourself emotionally. So the first step is just to decide what you want and focus on that above all else. If you think MM isn't good for your kids then remember that every time he tries to contact you. Pur yourself and your own needs/goals first. Good luck.
Owl Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Your first step is the most difficult one. If you want to end your affair and rebuild your marriage and your family...it's going to involve some risk. Your first step is ending the affair, and telling your H. The only way you're going to fix this situation is by starting out with some honesty. I wish you the best...and really hope this turns out well for everyone involved.
NoIDidn't Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Ranier He started the affair with you during a very vulnerable time, but now it seems he's just milking it. Concentrate on your marriage and your children. It sounds like this situation with him has you consumed and your family might be suffering too (I hope not, but understand if you are distracted). You've said that your marriage was just a little stale, not unhappy. Maybe you should get back to that instead of becoming consumed with figuring him out, or even supporting him right now. Many affairs happen around significant deaths.
Author rainier Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 HI, I thank you for your replies. I feel I may not have represented myself in the best light and look as if I took advantage of a man who was vulnerable during a time when he was grieving. Maybe it is true but he is the one who pursued and I say to myself, " who would do this to someone and especially his wife who just lost a child no matter at what age." It does not make me feel good.
TurboGirl Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 When you wrote that the relationship with your MM was always on his terms, when, where, etc., struck a chord with me. That is not a real relationship - when it is always his way, it is like you are at his beck & call (which is crap), and all this blathering about his wife, sounds like he is using you as a therapist. All of the up & down really messes up your self esteem. This MM is all over the place, without any regard for YOUR feelings. All about his feelings, from what I see. Speaking from experience here, so I know what i'm talking about. My suggestion would be to retreat for the hills & safety of your husband and family, put your effort there. They love you and need you. MM is looking for something to make him feel better, some excitment, a diversion away from the pain at his house - in walks lovely you. He is manipulating you because he can... the excitment and heady sex is always great with him, right? Sounds like he is taking advantage of you and is really a very strong willed controlling guy. Maybe the excitment and thrill is not there in your marriage but you said it was not unhappy. Your husband is a steady one and is there for YOU. That is a much better environment for you to thrive in, IMHO.
TurboGirl Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 HI, I thank you for your replies. I feel I may not have represented myself in the best light and look as if I took advantage of a man who was vulnerable during a time when he was grieving. Maybe it is true but he is the one who pursued and I say to myself, " who would do this to someone and especially his wife who just lost a child no matter at what age." It does not make me feel good. You did not take advantage. You were kind and caring and HE jumped at the chance. Please don't go there, don't put that burden on yourself. NO NO NO. He used you as a salve to soothe the pain... or for great sex... or to bolster his own self image - you are a much younger woman. Plus he sensed a vulnerability in you and jumped right in there.
2sunny Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 since you say your M is great - grow that bigger. put more time and energy into THAT. what ever you give more energy too - it grows bigger. so eliminate the energy going toward your MM. if you do - he will go away. you do have a choice how YOU participate - so stop participating. simply do not respond when your MM wants you. he has shown his evidence that he doesn't intend to leave his M. he needs you to feed his ego. tell your H what you were getting from your MM - and see if he is willing to provide you with what you looked for outside the M. grow the marriage healthier, stronger. be honest. the only way to get what you want is to state what you need. your H isn't a mind reader - so tell him. i'm sure he already knows something is "off" - they always do... if you INVEST in your M the way you invested in the affair - the marriage can become strong again = strong enough to keep temptation of your MM away. it won't happen if you keep stepping back into the affair - distracted energy only results in half a relationship. the M needs nurturing and honesty with NO outside distractions to grow stronger... are you capable of giving yourself that way to the M? if so, tell your H and don't look back.
Carrot2000 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Rainier, you've disrespected your husband, MM's wife and yourself long enough. What you've been doing is beyond f8cked up; the only way to put an end to this madness is to come clean to your husband and get yourself into therapy ASAP. Enough with the "woe-is-me"; stop beating yourself up and start making an effort to fix the problems you've helped create. Stop worrying about the MM and his feelings and his intentions; none of it matters. What matters is you doing what you need to do to get your life and marriage back on track.
Heather1 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 First off, welcome to the club no one want to join....the reality of A's club! My A started after a series of deaths, none of them a child!!! The "friend" thing is just never going to work. I think men think it's going to work, and I think they're sincere in the offer. The problem is, the sex is so good it's hard not to get back to that....IMPOSSIBLE. So I guess what I have to say to you is the right thing isn't the easy thing. He's dealing w/ his grief by having an A, I know, because I did the same. I care about the OP immensely!! Put yourself in the W's shoes on this one, can you imagine losing a child & then your H?? He's getting support from you, they need to support eachother. In my case I was getting NO support, except from OM. Please think about what's happened w/ their family & step aside so he can repair something that once was a great M. This whole thing has taught me a HUGE lesson!! I have a gorgeous male friend who I spent time w/ spouses & friends, never alone. His brother passed away & I said I was sorry...and stepped WAY back!!! I knew he was vulnerable, and it was his W he needed. It's super hard, I know for a fact, but it's the right thing to do.
Author rainier Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 once again, thank you mostly everyone for your replies. It feels good to have released my emotions out loud so to speak and receive feedback that is not my own voice. I realize overall this is not a good situation for all involved, yet I don't feel strong enough to let it go. I feel like it is an addiction as many of you have stated. How do you listen to your head instead of following your heart? Long term, it makes total sense but in the moment to moment it is such a struggle.
Amour7 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Rainier, I understand the addiction feeling, and am still in the throes of one, myself. I also get that you don't feel strong enough to let go. The advice I am working on is building strength and making small changes. My therapist asked me, "what would be realistic and you would feel successful about doing today?". For me, I couldn't commit to saying I wouldn't call him that evening because that might be too difficult. So, I said I wasn't going to apologize (we had been arguing and I usually end up appeasing) and I was going to let myself stay angry. I felt really good at the end of the night for succeeding at those things. I feel like I am failing so much of the time because i am still in the R, so it felt great to have a small success. Best of luck to you!
Heather1 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 It is an addiction!! Plus, you were there @ a vulnerable time for him so it lit a bomb. Relationships start when someone is vulnerable, male or female, there's a bond. You came in the picture when he was MOST vulnerable, and he probably never pictured himself in this situation. Everyone treats grief in a different way. I implore you to look at how you two got together, bonding over his child's death? If that wouldn't have happened, he would have never let you in. He sounds like a good person, if you care about him AT ALL you would let him go & let him be a good father/H again. If it was a parent's death, friend's death, one of those ML death's where you review your life & happiness w/ your partner I'd have a different response. A child's death though? He's going sideways. Once his addiction is over, he's going to resent you for being there. Humanize the situation. I don't care if you tell your spouses or not.
Author rainier Posted March 6, 2011 Author Posted March 6, 2011 Well interestingly enough, my mm called me this morning and said his W found a note I had written him in a gift that he did not know that I put in.It was nothing mushy, friend based and did not have my name on it, so they joked about it. This morning he said he was worried she may have thought about it He said was not sure what to do but was a wake up call for him. He said he would love to be with me but feels he would lose his family, friends and place in the community. That although he loves me but that may not be enough. He wants to get together later in the week to talk about things. He feels he may not be able to go on with this and I am crushed. I realize that it was a huge bomb but feel sad. I sent him a text back saying that I understand and will not push contact, let him work things out and wish him well. Now I fear I will not hear from him again. Is the best thing to do just let him be and have him sort it out? Has this happened to you and you never here from him again? I just don't know anything anymore. Life is so out of whack and in a place I never imagined I could be.
BB07 Posted March 6, 2011 Posted March 6, 2011 Well interestingly enough, my mm called me this morning and said his W found a note I had written him in a gift that he did not know that I put in.It was nothing mushy, friend based and did not have my name on it, so they joked about it. This morning he said he was worried she may have thought about it He said was not sure what to do but was a wake up call for him. He said he would love to be with me but feels he would lose his family, friends and place in the community. That although he loves me but that may not be enough. He wants to get together later in the week to talk about things. He feels he may not be able to go on with this and I am crushed. I realize that it was a huge bomb but feel sad. I sent him a text back saying that I understand and will not push contact, let him work things out and wish him well. Now I fear I will not hear from him again. Is the best thing to do just let him be and have him sort it out? Has this happened to you and you never here from him again? I just don't know anything anymore. Life is so out of whack and in a place I never imagined I could be. I suggest that YOU decide and take control of this situation instead of leaving it up to him. By leaving it up to him you are setting yourself up to continue to be the OW and with what he has clearly told you about him not wanting to lose "His stuff" he is making clear to you that you can't expect much from him. Don't you want more? Don't you want all the good stuff that can come from a full time relationship instead of the crumbs you'd get from this man? Take your power back......and realize that you are worth more than being someone's "I'll fit you in if I can" thing.
Heather1 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Well interestingly enough, my mm called me this morning and said his W found a note I had written him in a gift that he did not know that I put in.It was nothing mushy, friend based and did not have my name on it, so they joked about it. This morning he said he was worried she may have thought about it He said was not sure what to do but was a wake up call for him. He said he would love to be with me but feels he would lose his family, friends and place in the community. That although he loves me but that may not be enough. He wants to get together later in the week to talk about things. He feels he may not be able to go on with this and I am crushed. I realize that it was a huge bomb but feel sad. I sent him a text back saying that I understand and will not push contact, let him work things out and wish him well. Now I fear I will not hear from him again. Is the best thing to do just let him be and have him sort it out? Has this happened to you and you never here from him again? I just don't know anything anymore. Life is so out of whack and in a place I never imagined I could be. You'll hear from him again, you'll both go back & forth forever until you're begging someone to stick a fork in it....and then you'll keep going some more. I just read a quote from Mark Twain about quitting smoking, how he said he could quit anytime because he'd done it a thousand times before. All I can tell you is that it never got better. I think men can detach easier than women. What I mean by that is once they decide the guilt is too much, they start the process of detaching from you. Every once in awhile they get horny, you get hope, but they're already detached. So then it's "never again," but they're men.
Carrot2000 Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 Don't you want more? Don't you want all the good stuff that can come from a full time relationship instead of the crumbs you'd get from this man? She already has the good stuff at home with her husband and two babies, but can't recognize it because she's fixated on this man. Rainier, never hearing from him again is probably the best thing that could happen to you. It's time for you to snap out of the fantasy and work on whatever's wrong in your marriage. This man loves his wife; let him be.
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