is it wrong?

[alexa137]

so, just wondering if its wrong to say exactly what you want and dont want when you go out with a guy for the first time? I am to the point where I am so disgusted with men because every single one i talk to or get involved with either lies, cheats or plays games with me! and it doesnt matter if they are 30,35,40 or 45! what is wrong with men?

so the next time i start talking to a guy, like talking on the phone and texting(since thats what most ppl do now) i dont really care for it, because i am 40 yrs old, so im kinda old fashioned.

I just want to say, look, if your gonna see other people, or just want me for just sex please dont bother! is that ok to say? or to rude and up front? even though thats what i mean! seriously the last 3 guys i talked to cheated and never wanted to do anything in public, or fun or interesting! just sex and maybe sit on the couch! wow! right! boring! im the type of woman who likes to go out as much as I can because since becoming unemployed i am home everyday all day bored, so the first chance i get to go somewhere i am jumping up ready to go! but the last guy i so call dated, yea we went for a drink maybe 2 or 3 times but that was during the week at like 10pm! nobody was really there!

so i need some input

thanks

[Star_Bright]

I don't think you should be setting forth "demands" or having set expectations on the very first date. The point of a first date is to just relax and start getting to know each other and see if you guys get along and if there's compatibility and stuff. You really can't/shouldn't expect every first date to turn into a relationship. That's the point of dating -- to figure out if you want to take it to the next level, or not.

 

So I would wait until you really know the guy -- you know what he's about, who he is and that he's a good match for you, and you know he thinks the same about you -- and THEN have the talk about expectations. You don't let it get to this point, of course, if you see red flags or things you aren't looking for in a guy. At that point, you just move on. It's just too much pressure (on you and him) to do it on the first date. He could be a great guy and you scare him off by sounding jaded or cynical or needy. Just relax, be yourself, see how you guys hit it off or not, and continue to do this (if things go well and you see him again) until you're at a point where you are ready to be in a relationship with him.

 

Also it doesn't do much good to tell guys want you want or don't want before you know what kind of guys they are. Talk is cheap, action is what matters. If you are looking for a certain kind of guy then watch the guy's behavior and his treatment of you as you get to know him -- this is the only way you will see whether he's what you want, not by telling him right away and having him nod his head that yes he'll really do what you want (when he could very well be sitting there wanting to get into your pants or planning his next date for tomorrow night, and just saying what you want to hear.)

 

I hope I've helped, good luck.

[alexa137]

well, let me clarify a little more please, not really sure if its going to be a date or what, because honestly i dont remember that last time I was on a "real" date! like dinner or the movies, i dont know if just the area where i live but it just doesnt happen often, at least not to me or my friends. My past experiences have been just the guy coming over and chilling a few times, then after a few weeks, the sex things starts up, and we see each other maybe 1 time a week and thats about it!

concerning the person i am talking about,is a new guy i met at a club about 2 weeks ago and we have been talking and texting and he says he wants to see me tommorrow night, no invites yet, so not really sure.

I guess its because i keep going in the same cycle over and over again and cant find someone who wants to do what I want to do! and thats just not having sex everytime i see you, like get out a do something else!

[ShatteredReality]

Don't invite them over. Expect them to take you out. If he wants to see you say, "Sure! I could really use a nice dinner and movie date - I seriously need to get out of the house and just relax!" or something to that effect. If they invite you over going once or twice is fine, but every time they ask to see you suggest something to do, "do you like to play pool?" "I was going thinking of trying miniature golf, I haven't done it in years...I'll make a fool of myself...you in?" "I love dancing...do you know any places we could go together?" And so on. Just don't let staying in all night even be an option...if you want to go home after and do the sex thing then fine, but go out and have a good time first!

[Eeyore79]

I just want to say, look, if your gonna see other people, or just want me for just sex please dont bother!

The type of dishonorable guy who will cheat or use you for sex won't care what you say up front, he'll just ignore it and will still use you for whatever he wants. So it's actually pointless to say anything, because you might scare the good guys off, and the bad guys will ignore what you say anyway.

 

The trick is to judge men by actions, not words. Don't have sex with him - if he sticks around for a few months and invests in the relationship then he's obviously interested in you, not your body. A guy who just wants sex will go in search of easier prey long before 3 months has passed, so by waiting you'll filter those guys out. Date the guy for a while, make sure he has honorable intentions and the relationship is actually going somewhere before you drop your panties.

 

seriously the last 3 guys i talked to cheated and never wanted to do anything in public, or fun or interesting! just sex and maybe sit on the couch! wow! right! boring! im the type of woman who likes to go out as much as I can because since becoming unemployed i am home everyday all day bored, so the first chance i get to go somewhere i am jumping up ready to go!

You're in kind of a difficult situation - while I agree that you should be going out on dates, you probably don't have the money to do it, and it's unfair to expect a guy to pay for you. So you might need to be a bit more creative about what you do on dates. Don't invite him round to your house; if he asks to see you, suggest going somewhere together. Maybe go for a walk, have coffee, go to a free museum or art gallery, maybe to the cinema if you can afford that. When you eventually get to the point of inviting him to your place, invite him for something specific like dinner and a movie, and send him home afterwards. I repeat, don't have sex with him - it's a pain in the ass to have to withhold sex, but it's your main tool for filtering out the users and losers. Get this into your head and remember it: Sex is only for decent guys who've proved they'll treat you right.