Intergalactic Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 i originally posted this in the 'transitioning' forum but no replies, so going to give it a shot here instead... any help is much appreciated. sorry if this entry sounds like i'm about 17.. it's late and i have a lot running around my head. i'm actually 23, and the person i am speaking about is 21. i'm a girl, and my best friend is a guy who i roomed with last year in uni accommodation.. we've been friends for about a year and a half now, and are very close. we spend a lot of time together, tell each other we love each other, often hold hands when out, cuddle in bed, kiss each others' faces (although we haven't quite got to locking lips yet.. have come close, but i have turned away more than once). he is always there for me and i love him to bits. for a while now i've liked him more than a friend, but wasn't sure if i wanted to take it further... and to be honest, i'm still not entirely sure. i do know, however, that i don't like when he takes interest in other girls, which is selfish i know, since i'm not sure what i want with him - mainly because of how much i value our friendship and i would be so so sad if that ended if/when we ended if we dated. anyway, last night, a lot of stuff came to a head, after he told me that he'd hooked up with a girl one night when out - a girl he's previously liked and 'might' like again. it took him ages to say it, and when i said "do you want to be with her?" and he was like "i think so, but i want to be with you too." i told him that i didn't want him to go out with this girl, and when he asked me why i said "..i don't know, i just have these feelings and i don't want you to be with anyone else". he was getting upset, saying "what do you want? do you want to be friends? do you want to go out?" and i was getting upset because i didn't know if i was yet ready to confess how i felt. in the end, i told him that i thought i liked him, that i have had "feelings" for him for about 6 months. he said that he'd had some idea and it didn't scare him away, he still wanted to spend time with me, cuddle me, be with me etc. but he also said he's dated his best/good friends before, and it's never worked out, and he would be devastated if that happened with me, because i'm the closest person to him and he doesn't want to lose me, ever. he said it's hard for him to go from being friends to more, because of that. when i asked why he didn't want to date me, he said "because you're my best friend, i can't lose you". i asked if it was something about me he wasnt attracted to, and he said "i love everything about you". i asked him why he does all those things with me that seem more than just friendly, and he said that he loves being with me like that, but he didn't know exactly how he felt about me, and that he just knew for a fact that he doesn't want to risk the friendship. his exact words were "i'm in love with you... and our friendship". even when i said "what if we are just friends, i still don't want you to date anyone else!" and he replied with "fine, i won't date anyone. i'd choose you over any other girl, always". so, finally, to my question: what does this all mean? does this mean there's no hope? does it sound like he has feelings for me, or his he just letting me down gently? and lastly, what do i do now? should we remain friends, or should we not? i can't bear the thought of losing him, and i know he feels the same about me. this situation sucks
Andy_K Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 My guess is that due to the intensity of the relationship/friendship you have, he feels under extreme pressure that any step towards a relationship *HAS* to work out. There's no way to start casual and see what happens. That is stopping him from trying it. But lets be realistic. Neither one of you will be able to have a friendship quite this close if you're dating other people. No partner would put up with it. Sooner or later you will end up either less close, or dating. You might as well make that change now, because it'll only get more difficult with time.
carhill Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Don't turn away next time. Here's what fascinates me: we spend a lot of time together, tell each other we love each other, often hold hands when out, cuddle in bed, kiss each others' faces his exact words were "i'm in love with you... and our friendship". even when i said "what if we are just friends, i still don't want you to date anyone else!" and he replied with "fine, i won't date anyone. i'd choose you over any other girl, always". TBH, unless he's the world's best asexual player, the only thing separating you from an engagement ring is his inexperience. He simply doesn't yet know how to marry deep emotional attachment and attraction into one dynamic. BTDT, decades ago. You're more than just friends. Whether a relationship is in your future depends on choices you both make. Any virgins in this mix?
jstobo Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Andy is right. No other person is going to be Ok with you having a male best friend and no girl is going to be OK with him having a female best friend. Yes, you run the risk of losing your best friend, but you're also keeping yourself from something even better (either with him or someone else) I had a female friend for 10 years and we finally took the plunge. Yes, it ruined our friendship, but it finally allowed ourselves to move on and meet the right people. She's married now and so am I. Had we not taken that step, we may have gone another couple of years and missed our current spouses. In your case, it may not ruin it at all. It could be awesome. Give in to your feelings and allow yourself to explore them.
Author Intergalactic Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) thanks for your replies andy, i can see what you're getting at in terms of pressure. i also feel pressure that a relationship HAS to work because if it doesn't, it means we lose the friendship, and that's a big risk for both of us. when we spoke the other night, we did touch on this, with me saying that if we date other people and it doesn't work out, who cares? they're just dates. if we date each other and it doesn't work out, there's a lot more to lose. i do agree though, with both you and jstobo that any potential partner - for either of us - is not going to be okay with the level of closeness in our 'friendship'. i know that, but it is hard to say ok well we need to back off when neither of us want to, and much easier to say (as he keeps saying) that if there was anybody else, he'd choose me over them. it's pretty messed up though, and i recognise that. carhill - no virgins. two very inexperienced people though! i've only ever slept with two people, one being my ex whom i dated for 3 years, and the other was a one nighter which i regret. as for my friend, he's only slept with his ex when he was 16, once, and had 2 very drunken one nighters also, which he regrets. i'm not really a hook-up kind of girl, i really only want to kiss/sleep with someone i'm in love with. as for him, he's fairly religious so sex going hand in hand with love is becoming important to him, as well as sex being something that happens in a relationship, and not outside. anyway, thanks again for replying. it's really hard for me to get perspective on the situation, because i feel like maybe i'm interpreting what he's saying in a way that fits what i want. but then again, how many friends say "i'm in love with you", constantly say "i love you" to each other, touch, cuddle, hold hands all the time, and say things like "i love everything about you"? SURELY i'm not misinterpreting that?! that's not normal in a "just friends" friendship, right?? Edited March 4, 2011 by Intergalactic
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