collegeman Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 So i've been searching the threads related to couples taking breaks or having girlfriends ask for "space" and to be honest i'm crushed. From almost everything i've read it's the same conclusion "It means she's leaving you, move on with your life". And these are in relationships which sound much deeper and important than mine, but I thought I have nothing to lose from telling you my story. So i'm 19 and in college and this is my first girlfriend. Already im sure that you veterans of love are already shaking your heads at my "puppy love". We met online six months ago and hit it off as friends. After only a couple days of knowing each other she asks for my number and we begin talking and texting, but I am hesitant of how friendly she is being, seeing as I just met her. Then she then persuades me to have phone sex with her. My head screamed not to do this, that this would lead down a dark road, but boys will be boys. So we do this and from then on she talks with me constantly. Texting every minute of the day and talking till the early hours of the morning. I'm ecstatic, for the first time a girl seems to have feelings for me and strong ones at that. Then she begins to talk about her ex boyfriends. I found out she had only broken up with her boyfriend of 9 months less than a week before meeting me. At the time I didn't think much of it other than doing the best I could to show her how much better I was than her last boyfriend. Now that i've thought about it more the idea of being "the rebound" has haunted me. But none-the-less our relationship began to grow, I supported her through her entire 3 month grieving process of getting over the boy she had apparently loved so much, despite the awful things he did to her. Every night we would talk and flirt and I would stay on the phone with her till she fell asleep and would keep my earbuds in so that if woke up I would too and help her get back to sleep. She couldn't stop telling me how perfect I was, how sweet and caring I was compared to her ex. She would ask me from time to time to never leave her and be her's forever, to which I would always promise to do, even though she still didn't think of me as her bf. Occasionally her ex would text her or try to call her, sending her pics of his new gf and telling her how happy he was even while she could still barely keep tears from her eyes. I grew to hate him with a passion. How anyone who calls themselves a man could be so vindictive to the girl who worshiped the ground he walked on baffled and infuriated me. She said at times she still loved him and hated herself for it. This was like twisting a knife in my leg, but I decided to be the bigger man, to be strong and support her till she was ready to love another. She told me I was her rock, that without me she would have been swept away by grief. It was things like that which made all my work worth while. Her affection towards me eclipsed the hatred and jealousy I had for her ex. Although her behavior and thinking would sometimes confuse the hell out of me. Even after months of this she thought that I would never want a girl like her, whether it was girlish mind games or she was really so blind to my love I may never know. One night when we are Skyping she types part of a message and then immediately tells me to forget it. Of course I pursue the issue and learn that she was going to ask me out, but still had reservations as to whether I would accept and if she really wanted to do this. After hours of coaxing I finally got her to tell me the truth. She loved who I was on the inside but had trouble accepting my outward appearance. Like many high school girls today, she likes effeminate boys, "scene" and "emo" guys. Tight jeans, eye make-up, stick thin frame, those were her turn-ons. I on the other hand (and forgive me if I sound pompous) am a tall, broad and like to dress fairly well when I can, though t-shirts and hoodies tend to be my day to day cloths. I played varsity sports (lacrosse mainly) throughout middle and High school, though I had begun to get a little flabby on the stomach by the end of senior year. However she did not let the shallow side of her win out and became my girlfriend, to which I then promised to get in shape and would wear tight cloths for her, even though she said I didn't need to. I can honestly say the next 3 months were some of the happiest in my young life. We gushed over one another, played video games together and continued to spend every waking minute of our days talking to one another. I realize now that I forgot to mention that we live less than an hour away from each other but have still not had physical contact because we haven't found a time to visit (her mom technically isn't allowing her to date). Regardless, when I go to bed, hearing her soft breathing an occasional little whimper or moan, I feel as if she is right beside me and it makes me wish the sun never rises. I am not ashamed when I tell my friends and family about the girl who I love yet have never touched. My father(divorced) smiles when he hears me gush about how wonderful my life has become and how happy she makes me, but shakes his head knowingly when I tell him about the rough times and when she seems to get mad at me for reason. He tells me that I can enjoy my relationship while it lasts but to not hesitate if some girl closer to me in both age and location comes along. I refute this every time, saying no girl could ever take her place, I would stay with her till the end of time even if she did something horrible like cheating on me. What can I say? I was drunk on love, I still am. For years I have had an aching void in my heart which has so desperately wanted to be filled, to have love and to give love in return. And she did that. I can't count how many times would use the "L" word when we started going out in earnest. I had almost refused to say it early on, much to her dismay. I told her "Once you say 'I love you' it isn't just making someone feel good, it's a commitment. I will not say it and will not have someone else say it to me unless they mean it with every fibre of their being." Even though I had wanted to say it for awhile, I kept to my principles. Then a couple weeks ago something felt wrong. I could feel it in her words, even though this had just been in text. Sure enough my intuition was right and something was bothering her, despite hours of her denying it. She felt as though I had been neglecting her lately, saying that she thought I considered her a nuisance. This dumbfounded me. Yes there had been times when school had to take priority of "us" time and there were even days when I asked her for a little space for "me" time. So rather than debating with her I said that I would give her the attention she needed and I would do so happily. And that's exactly what I did, I made sure she knew she was my princess and how much I loved her, even though she had never once called me her prince. And then all, not more than two weeks after asking for more attention she seems to drop off the face of the earth, barely texting me a few words a day and only Skyping with me right as she went to bed. I was crushed and angry, who wouldn't be? This random change of heart flipped me upside down and I immediately began to become paranoid. I became the little "internet detective" sniffing around for the reasons behind this sudden change, which she wouldn't talk about. I noticed on her Facebook different guy friends she had added who didn't live anywhere near her, so I had assumed she met them online. Several of them had that "look" she liked so much and acted awful friendly, even flirty at times. But perhaps that's the paranoia talking. Anyways, the final nail in the coffin for me was seeing her talking to her ex. It was simple friendly banter, that couldn't have looked more innocent to a neutral party, but to me red flags shot up everywhere. This was the boy she had worshiped, then had been crushed and tormented by and had tried her best to cut off all contact with. Yet here they were talking like close friends. Then I noticed he had recently commented on one of her newer pictures, which she look beautiful in, and had called "dibs" on her. I wanted to slam my fist through the wall. When I talked to her about it (in a calm collected tone) she said it was nothing, and when I said that it bothered me and asked her why she didn't remove the comment she still seemed to not care. I went into stalker mode after that. That same night she said she was going to bed (at a much earlier time than usual) and said she couldn't skype because she would be sleeping with her mom (something I had never heard of her doing) So we said goodnight and I stayed awake for another hour. Then I went on skype. Low and behold it said she was online, but on her phone. I told her in the skype text that I had thought she was going to bed. No answer. Asked if she was there. No answer. So I told myself that maybe she had been skyping earlier that night and had forgotten to log off. Yet I could not sleep. Paranoia and anxiety caused my heart to thunder in my chest and adrenaline to pump through my body. I paced around my dorm to try and calm myself down and then went to check on skype an hour and a half later. The icon depicting her using her phone had changed to the icon used for depicting the camera used on a laptop. I flipped. I asked her who she was video skyping with and that I knew she was online. No response. After that I tried to force myself asleep, lest I do something stupid. Then I wished her good morning, like I always did and she replied happily back. After that I asked her how sleeping with her mom was, she said it was fine. Then I asked if her mom had been okay with her skyping on her laptop to which she replied. "I wasn't video chatting. wtf?" So I proceeded to tell her what I had seen and she became angry at me. According to her she had left her skype open on her laptop and her phone and that when her phone connection cut out it showed the laptop still running in her room. I am still not familiar with all of Skype's functions so I immediately apologized and admitted I had misunderstood. But the damage was done, even though she continued to joke playfully with me and act normal. That would change the following night. We got on skype as usual, things seemed to be normal and then she said "I have an idea that may improve our relationship, but it's either going to make you sad, angry or you'll be fine with it" Of course I was eager to hear what she had to say but again I had to coax her into telling me. When she gets too embarrassed or afraid to talk she types. So I received her message. "I think we should take a small break. Take some time to think about us. Because right now, I'm still upset over this morning and I'm in a funky mood. I need time to breathe an let myself relax. It's hard to explain" I felt like I had just been shot in the heart and stomach. Yet rather than get angry or sad like she said she had expected, I remained calm and supported her on this, even though the words felt hollow. After some small talk on the subject there was a brief silence. Then she acted cheer, cute and affectionate again and went to sleep shortly afterwards. I then wrote a long apology, telling her I was wrong to do what I did and that I shouldn't be so jealous and paranoid along with other heart-felt words. Then I crawled into my bed and starred at the ceiling until the sun came up. When I asked her if she had seen the message I sent her in skype she said she had woken up early and had read some of it but would have to go back and read it again since she was too sleepy to fully understand or remember. I accepted this and hoped she would read it later, even though I never said it. I told her I loved her and wished her a great day. Since then our texts have been few and far between. I have tried my hardest to give her the space she asked for but my body feel like it is going to tear itself apart. It's unbearable. I count the hours from when she does texts me, every minute a living hell. I finally decided to use this energy, this cocktail of anguish, rage, and confusion towards toning my body to what it was when I was in varsity lacrosse. Lifting weights works for awhile until the depression saps the strength from me. My only true outlet so far has been running. I run around the stadium and up and down the bleachers until my legs burn and feel like they are going to fall out from under me. Then I walk back to my dorm and sit in my shower for an hour or two. Recently I have hardened my resolve to distance myself from this girl who I worship. After saying our good mornings, I don't text her until she texts me, and even when she does I let a hour or 30 min go before I text her back. I keep my responses short and devoid of the hearts and smily faces which were in almost all of my previous texts. I have stopped calling her "baby" and "princess". And I have gotten what seems to be a positive response. She texts me back quicker and more frequently, but seems confused and annoyed/angry at my lack of eagerness to comfort her or help her, even though I do end up doing it. And even tonight, for the first time in four months, when she went to bed I didn't say "I love you" I just said "good night" to which she replied in a playful manner "Aren't you forgetting something?" I acted mildly confused and said good night again to which she sighed and giggled, her version of "Guess again". So I said "I love you" and she said it back and then curled up in her sheets and fell asleep. I am torn. Confused. Angry. Heart-broken. And full of other emotions which seem to be slowly breaking me even though the forced workouts are making me physically stronger and fit. I don't expect anyone to give me any truly helpful advice or comfort. I just needed to tell my story as I have no one else who can listen. My story may seem over dramatized by my wording, but that's how I write and it doesn't make my words any less true. All I want is her. I don't want to prepare for the future and move on. I don't want to think of the billions of other girls out there who could become my soulmate. I don't care that our love is young, impractical and may have been doomed from the start. I love her with every fibre of my being, even if she doesn't feel the same for me anymore. I would walk through fire for her. Many would call me foolish and delusional, saying that i'm living in a dream. Maybe I am. If so, then I never want to wake up.
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