befreckled Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I am now in a freshly minted (2 month old relationship) LDR after being single for 5 years. Before I was single, I was in 4 relationships that lasted between 2-4 years each for a decade. The total time I was single in that time is less than 6 months. A few points to note: 1. I was 26 when I ended my last relationship 2. I have maintained a few friends with benefits in the time that I've been single (how is a girl to survive otherwise!) 3. When I was in a relationship, I was never faithful. Always moved on with the next guy while I was in a relationship. Not proud of it but it's 5 years ago and I'd like to think I'm a better person now. Maybe, men have an "OMIGOD, SHE'S GOT A BF, LETS RUIN IT FOR HER!" but a couple of them have been asking me out and I've been very upfront about the fact that I now have a boyfriend and I intend to be faithful and they seem quite respectful of the fact. They all say they don't mind being friends that just hang out. I went out for dinner with one of them and for the most part, he was exactly as he said. I made sure that I didn't drink too much so I had my mind clear. And I'm deciding if I should head out for dinner with another just to prove to myself that I'm no longer that girl. Is it nuts?
eleanorhurting Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hey. I'm pretty sure I am not the best person to give advice to anyone at this moment but I can tell you what I know. I feel like I am you 5 years ago. Before Christmas I just got out of a relationship where I was exactly the way you described yourself to be. I dated very briefly in High School and none of my relationships back then lasted very long (of course its high school). Then I took a 2 year break to be single and I started dating again in college. IN the past 5years I had 3 relationships where the longest time I spent single was 4 months (something I'm not proud of). The first one was in 2006 and the guy left me for his ex girlfriend who he was cheating on me with the entire time. I was 19, he was 24 and I felt devastated and hurt. 4 months later I started dating someone who lasted for 2 years until we had issues and I slowly started liking someone else. After he broke up with me (because of our issues not because he knew I was attracted to anyone else), I ended up rebounding with the person who I was attracted to and once the excitement wore off and he started acting like the jerk my friends had warned me he was, instead of breaking it off I ended up clinging to my best guy friend and I cheated on him. Guess who is the jerk now. These past few months I have been going to therapy and they have been really hard. Not so much because I am single but because I had never stared at my horrible relationship patterns in the face until I actually went through with cheating on someone. I know I need to change this and I am glad I realized it now and I am working on myself and on why I did the selfish hurtful things I did and hope to someday in a very distant future be able to be in a relationship and NOT screw it up. So the point of my story is that this is your second chance! You have had your time to heal and learn (right?). DONT make the same mistakes of the past. Dont even think of it. Avoid it all costs. Think to yourself, I am better than doing this again! If it means taking drastic measures to keep yourself out of trouble then do it! Maybe I am drastic but I always believe it is better to quit things cold turkey. If going to dinner with other men or talking to other guys makes you feel you could revert to your old patterns then AVOID IT. You are strong and you will start to see how your experiences and your life lessons are are more valuable and can beat any old pattern
heartshaped Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 And I'm deciding if I should head out for dinner with another just to prove to myself that I'm no longer that girl. Do you really have anything to prove to yourself? You've said you aren't that person anymore, take your own word for it. It's probably not a good idea for you to be hanging out with men one on one when you have a pattern of cheating, especially, since this is your first relationship where you are trying to be faithful and you and your boyfriend are long distance. Is he comfortable with this? Also, not saying that these men don't only want to be friends with you, but every person who says that truly doesn't mean it so I would be cautious of that as well.
lenny Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I know what you're saying here. I too have spent the last couple years single (for the most part - nothing that lasted more than two months anyways) but did have some fwb during that time. I also have quite a number of close male friends that are in my group. A few I would hook up with but most were just friends. Although my guy is possessive, it isn't in a bad way. He has never asked me not to hang around my guy friends ... history or not. I find that I am just doing so less and less as a naturally progression. I also make sure that if I am ever with a man I have had history with, it is only in a group setting amongst other friends. It's not because I don't trust myself or them, it's just the appropriateness of it. There is just too much risk there could be the slightest nagging of a suspicion. This could then lead to bigger trust issues. Even though I would know that I behaved in a completely appropriate manner, I don't want my man to ever feel he has to doubt anything I do. How does your new boyfriend feel about this? How would you feel if you found out your new guy went to dinner with one of his booty calls?
Cee Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 My story is almost exactly like yours. I was a bottom less pit of need and I was frequently unfaithful. And I took a 6 year break between relationships, got therapy, entered a 12 step program for love addiction and think I am a reformed person. I say all this to qualify myself in what I am about to say: Going out to dinner alone with men is not sober, faithful behavior. It should be something that you never, ever do. That is like asking a recovering alcoholic to have one sip of vodka. She might take a sip and think they are cured, but likely they'll be hitting the bottle at some point. Even a sampling of un-boundaried behavior will lead you down the slope to infidelity. Having dinner with a virtual stranger is not friend behavior. It's courtship. I suggest that you have exaggerated boundaries with men. That you only hang out with them in group settings and don't get in cars with them without an escort. I also suggest that you focus your energy on making female friendships. If you have lots of women in your life, you won't have time for these faux friendships. I have just gotten in a relationship and I don't trust myself yet. I have not proven myself to be reformed. So what I do is not go anywhere near a situation that could become a problem. I would never, ever hang out alone with men I don't know. I am in the process of cultivating friendships with three women in my life. My relationships with them has been satisfying and I have no need for guys with shady motives. These women rock! Congratulations on your recovery and remember to protect it. It's a precious gift.
Author befreckled Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Do you really have anything to prove to yourself? You've said you aren't that person anymore, take your own word for it. That is an extremely good point. Why don't I believe myself? Is he comfortable with this? The bf is quite liberal and I have alot of male friends to begin with because of work (I work in a male dominated industry) and I do hang out with my friends without ever crossing the line. How would you feel if you found out your new guy went to dinner with one of his booty calls? It doesn't set a good tone for the future, definitely. Of course, he isn't aware that these men are my ex-fwbs.
Author befreckled Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Going out to dinner alone with men is not sober, faithful behavior. It should be something that you never, ever do. That is like asking a recovering alcoholic to have one sip of vodka. She might take a sip and think they are cured, but likely they'll be hitting the bottle at some point. I have to say I disagree. I didn't sleep with every men I met while I was single. The guys I've mentioned were specific fwb. Having dinner with a virtual stranger is not friend behavior. It's courtship. I don't know what gave you the impression that these men are either virtual or strangers. I also suggest that you focus your energy on making female friendships. If you have lots of women in your life, you won't have time for these faux friendships. I work in a male dominated industry and the women that I do meet in the course of work are not really the type of women I'd hang out with typically. I have tried to join meet up groups etc but it hasn't amounted to much. I would love to have a group of girlfriends but it doesn't look like something that's going to happen for now.
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