What in us makes us hold on when we KNOW its not going to work?

[Movingthrough]

Now dont get me wrong here, this is every ones million dollar question...trust me i know. In the midst of my breakup i have finally hit the point that while it still hurts, im doing more for me and for the future then just sitting on the thought of her.

 

One of the things i have been doing is reading and researching, putting a lot of time into my mistakes and even the positives, so i can fix or not fix them for the future. I believe that finding all the "facts" i can about men, woman and relationships, will really help me, and it has.

 

One thing i keep reading, or thinking about, is the fact that we can all hit points where we KNOW 100% that we dont want that person in our life anymore. We know that if they walked through the door, we could not accept them back or look at them the same way. BUT we still hurt, and actually get to a point where we "feel" for them and dont even know why...

 

What i have gathered is its just the emotional attachment that you gained with them, and if you didnt have this strong feeling that takes months maybe years to go away, then you wouldnt have had love...and thats why love is so powerful. I also think our exes are a focus because we dont have a "new" one in our life yet. Another thing would be the fact that they represented a way to not feel hurt, or deal with our problems, so when its gone we feel pain, therefor, we want them back.

 

So what do you guys think?? What is it that makes us stay "stuck"??

[paiger]

For your main question (title in the post) I think there's some contradiction in this question... just because I (personally) don't think someone would hold on UNLESS they haven't moved on. Even if it's the most minuscule tiny itsy bitsy molecular seed of hope, that feeling of being stuck would indefinitely mean you have not FULLY moved on.

 

We hold on because we of course have that emotional attachment that is really hard to let go of. When someone of huge importance enters your life, it's hard to automatically paint them black. You feel stuck because you miss the memories, the past, the "what could have been".

 

Idk.. just my two cents

[suddendumpee]

Plain and simple. Human's spend their entire lives looking for their "other half". People can go on and on about "You need to be happy on your own", but the reality is that everybody wants someone to grow old with. Someone to connect to. To share life with. Even the happiest, most balanced, most confident person in the world seeks this out.

 

When we think we have found it, there is a sense of relief. We give up a big part of ourselves to this other person in ways we never thought possible. The weight of searching for "the one" has been lifted and the only other thing left to fear is death.

 

Then...the rug is pulled out from under you. You panic because you were SOOO sure. You felt you were a pretty good judge of character. You wonder how you didn't see it coming. You blame yourself. You worry that you let "the one" go. You worry there will never be another you feel the same way about.

 

You cling on to what WAS, not what IS. The thoughts of the past overwhelm your senses and seem surreal, like a dream. You feel God himself has betrayed you by taking your shot at happiness away. You think it can;t be real. You think you will wake up someday and everything will be fixed. You feel maybe your SO will wake up and run back in to your arms.

 

These feelings subside over time, but they will NEVER go away. If you truly loved someone, you will always have the "what ifs", although not in an intensity that will interfere with your life. I believe this feelings will mostly subside when you meet someone new. Somebody who may not be as attractive, may not be as successful, as the ex, but there is something on a deeper lever. A mutual understanding. No games. It just flows. This is what we all want, but sadly we DO NOT all get it.

 

If this is your goal, it is the fear of not achieving this goal which makes breakups so hard. You want to be married, you want kids, but that damned clock is a ticking time bomb counting down your life.

 

I can also attest that (from a male anyway) much of it is loss of ego. As soon as I got hit on and hooked up with a young attractive girl, I improved by 70%. It's that "I can still do this...I still have time" feeling. Once your ego is back, you can get out there on your search and find success once again.

[MidnightinMadrid]

To answer your very last question,we stay stuck bcjust as the above poster said, we have all these what ifs and don't want to 'lose' the imge we have of that person who have had a hold on us. Even when they show us the exact the oposite.

I can say that I have healed enough to realize that he is so not the person I thought he was,the person that i thought he was used to be kind. I am an advocate in giving chances but not that many so one dont get hurt all the time by the same person,one have to face reality.

[depplover_1980]

Plain and simple. Human's spend their entire lives looking for their "other half". People can go on and on about "You need to be happy on your own", but the reality is that everybody wants someone to grow old with. Someone to connect to. To share life with. Even the happiest, most balanced, most confident person in the world seeks this out.

 

When we think we have found it, there is a sense of relief. We give up a big part of ourselves to this other person in ways we never thought possible. The weight of searching for "the one" has been lifted and the only other thing left to fear is death.

 

Then...the rug is pulled out from under you. You panic because you were SOOO sure. You felt you were a pretty good judge of character. You wonder how you didn't see it coming. You blame yourself. You worry that you let "the one" go. You worry there will never be another you feel the same way about.

 

You cling on to what WAS, not what IS. The thoughts of the past overwhelm your senses and seem surreal, like a dream. You feel God himself has betrayed you by taking your shot at happiness away. You think it can;t be real. You think you will wake up someday and everything will be fixed. You feel maybe your SO will wake up and run back in to your arms.

 

These feelings subside over time, but they will NEVER go away. If you truly loved someone, you will always have the "what ifs", although not in an intensity that will interfere with your life. I believe this feelings will mostly subside when you meet someone new. Somebody who may not be as attractive, may not be as successful, as the ex, but there is something on a deeper lever. A mutual understanding. No games. It just flows. This is what we all want, but sadly we DO NOT all get it.

 

If this is your goal, it is the fear of not achieving this goal which makes breakups so hard. You want to be married, you want kids, but that damned clock is a ticking time bomb counting down your life.

 

I can also attest that (from a male anyway) much of it is loss of ego. As soon as I got hit on and hooked up with a young attractive girl, I improved by 70%. It's that "I can still do this...I still have time" feeling. Once your ego is back, you can get out there on your search and find success once again.

 

I don't believe everyone seeks someone else at all - they may at different life stages decide that's what they want, but there are many people who are not fussed about sharing their life with someone else.

[IanIan]

Great post suddendumpee although...

 

Somebody who may not be as attractive, may not be as successful, as the ex, but there is something on a deeper lever

 

Or maybe not. Maybe you just say, 'you'll do'.

[rajcs25]

You are absolutely correct man...

 

Plain and simple. Human's spend their entire lives looking for their "other half". People can go on and on about "You need to be happy on your own", but the reality is that everybody wants someone to grow old with. Someone to connect to. To share life with. Even the happiest, most balanced, most confident person in the world seeks this out.

 

When we think we have found it, there is a sense of relief. We give up a big part of ourselves to this other person in ways we never thought possible. The weight of searching for "the one" has been lifted and the only other thing left to fear is death.

 

Then...the rug is pulled out from under you. You panic because you were SOOO sure. You felt you were a pretty good judge of character. You wonder how you didn't see it coming. You blame yourself. You worry that you let "the one" go. You worry there will never be another you feel the same way about.

 

You cling on to what WAS, not what IS. The thoughts of the past overwhelm your senses and seem surreal, like a dream. You feel God himself has betrayed you by taking your shot at happiness away. You think it can;t be real. You think you will wake up someday and everything will be fixed. You feel maybe your SO will wake up and run back in to your arms.

 

These feelings subside over time, but they will NEVER go away. If you truly loved someone, you will always have the "what ifs", although not in an intensity that will interfere with your life. I believe this feelings will mostly subside when you meet someone new. Somebody who may not be as attractive, may not be as successful, as the ex, but there is something on a deeper lever. A mutual understanding. No games. It just flows. This is what we all want, but sadly we DO NOT all get it.

 

If this is your goal, it is the fear of not achieving this goal which makes breakups so hard. You want to be married, you want kids, but that damned clock is a ticking time bomb counting down your life.

 

I can also attest that (from a male anyway) much of it is loss of ego. As soon as I got hit on and hooked up with a young attractive girl, I improved by 70%. It's that "I can still do this...I still have time" feeling. Once your ego is back, you can get out there on your search and find success once again.

[GreenPolicy]

Now dont get me wrong here, this is every ones million dollar question...trust me i know. In the midst of my breakup i have finally hit the point that while it still hurts, im doing more for me and for the future then just sitting on the thought of her.

 

One of the things i have been doing is reading and researching, putting a lot of time into my mistakes and even the positives, so i can fix or not fix them for the future. I believe that finding all the "facts" i can about men, woman and relationships, will really help me, and it has.

 

One thing i keep reading, or thinking about, is the fact that we can all hit points where we KNOW 100% that we dont want that person in our life anymore. We know that if they walked through the door, we could not accept them back or look at them the same way. BUT we still hurt, and actually get to a point where we "feel" for them and dont even know why...

 

What i have gathered is its just the emotional attachment that you gained with them, and if you didnt have this strong feeling that takes months maybe years to go away, then you wouldnt have had love...and thats why love is so powerful. I also think our exes are a focus because we dont have a "new" one in our life yet. Another thing would be the fact that they represented a way to not feel hurt, or deal with our problems, so when its gone we feel pain, therefor, we want them back.

 

So what do you guys think?? What is it that makes us stay "stuck"??

 

My rational brain understands at this point in time that I couldn't trust her not to bail again if she came back. One thing I've read from dumpees who took their dumpers back is that they didn't anticipate the resentment they felt after rekindling the relationship. Second chances are not always what we dream them to be.

 

I guess the pain I feel is because due to the circumstances of my b/u, I was blindsided and still to this day have a hard time understanding why she did it. Especially because our relationship did not have any unnecessary drama or turmoil. Up until the day she left I thought we were on the same page and she shared my happiness. And suddendumpee hits the nail on the head. I thought I had found the one and my search was over. And now having to start over from scratch again is very disheartening.

 

I have a hard time not giving into irrational fears and panic, when I should realize that I'm 33, have my whole life still ahead of me, don't have baggage in the way of children from a previous relationship (no offense to those having to reenter the dating pool as single parents), have my health, and I have a lot to offer somebody else.

[Graceful]

Ok, maybe I am being too literal here, but the question is why do people hang on when they KNOW (as in, they are sure? is this correct) things aren't going to work?

 

As for me, if I had KNOWN, for sure, believe me, I would not have hung on. Do you really think that people hold on when they are sure things aren't going to work?

 

Cheesh, I don't know about that! If only we knew ... that would solve so many problems around here!

 

So don't count me in the crowd that would hang on if I KNEW for sure. I have never done that, and hope I never will. I hung on because I thought the ship could turn around. Eventually when the ship did not turn around, I jumped ship and even though the water was freezing cold, I never tried to go back.

 

If you're talking about the time it takes to resolve your feelings, that's another issue the way I see it. That does not mean you're still hanging on, that means you are still healing and recovering. Big diff, IMHO.

[Crazy Magnet]

Right now I'm holding on b/c I love him and I WANT him to be the one, even if it's becoming painfully obvious that he's not the one. I had all these visions of our lives together, having babies, growing old, planning Thanksgiving with the grandkids. Those visions die hard and it hurts like hell to understand they are NEVER going to happen.