MissMoni Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) Hi all! I never thought I would join something like this, but my friends are all sick and tired of hearing me talk about this boy and I have been lurking on the board for a while. I'm impressed with the amount of support and advice you all give! So, here's my story. My ex broke up with me this past October, we had been dating a year and 8 months. We started dating my sophomore year of college and we went to the same school, but our relationship was long-distance during breaks and the summer because he lives about 7 hours away from me. Anyway, he is a year older and so he was home when he broke up with me, while I am still here trying to graduate. The breakup was a complete surprise to me. We fought sometimes (mostly over his friends, who I thought were bad influences, and immature jerks), and I couldn't seem to communicate with him because it always ended up with him yelling and me withdrawing and crying. I blamed myself for that, for not being strong. We had been getting along fine when he surprised me with a visit at my school, and the entire time he was here, he was distant, which might have been my fault because I brought up not liking his friend again (which we always got into fights over). All in all, we had some amazing times together, but for some reason they weren't enough to make him stay. When he broke up with me, he even suggested that all we had shared was friendship, which hurt me to my core because he was my first boyfriend, and first love. (We were both eachother's first relationship). We were together for almost two years, and when he broke up with me, he told me that he never loved me, that he only said he did because he was “emotional”. That it was his first relationship, so he didn’t know what love was. The thing is, he had already promised never to tell me he loved me until he was absolutely sure because when I said it to him the first time he said it and took it back the very next day. The reason he broke up with me...not sure, although he said it was because our relationship was facing the same problems - lack of communication. He got upset because I mailed him a letter about everything he had done that upset me, hoping we could work on things. Get this - he told me to write him a letter because he knows I express myself more clearly in writing -- but then he got angry and said I don't know how to communicate effectively... Having him take back "I love you" for a second time completely broke me. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first love. I’m trying day by day to just pick up and move on with my life but it’s hard. He said that he wanted to be friends, but now it seems that all he wants to do is ignore me. I don’t understand how someone can be apart of your life for nearly two years and you just forget about it. When I would try to reach out and text or email him, he would usually ignore me, but sometimes he answered, which gave me hope we could still be friends. On Valentine's Day weekend, he drove 7 hours to my college campus to see our mutual friends, who he made promise not to tell me he was here. The only reason I found out is because, ironically, his car passed me. I was hurt by this so much...and realized that it was doing nothing for me to be "friends" with him so I deleted him from Facebook and decided to go non contact...he got upset? I felt horrible so ended up calling him to apologize and telling him I just needed time and distance away from him because I still cared and it hurt to see his updates. He explained that he "didn't know how to reach out to me" and that he understood I needed space and that the reason he didn't contact me to tell me he was in town was because we hadn't talked in a "while" and he didn't know what he would say to me. My question is..how the heck do I move on from someone I love so much? I logically know our relationship wasn't the best and I plan on not contacting him for 60 days, but how can he just be okay with pretending I don't exist? We were so close in our relationship, and now it's like I don't even matter...except he must have cared even a little bit to be angry I deleted him from facebook... So confused! Sorry if this is too long, I'm a bit new to these message board things! All in all, I am confused about the situation still. I have come to accept everything happens for a reason, but I still feel like my self-worth is tied to him. Since we broke up I have lost 30 pounds, joined some new organizations at my school, and got job offers, but I still can't shake him.. Edited March 3, 2011 by MissMoni Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hello Miss Moni, Well I've read your story and I'll be honest as I always am with you. I think that this relationship had run it's natural course; I think there are big differences in your personalities which neither of you can navigate past. He is out of order to suggest you have the communication issues, as he sounds like the main person unwilling to discuss anything, especially as he is a shouter, which if often a sign of frustration and inability to articulate a point constructively. I think he has made you feel guilty over time with this and considering this possibility may help some of your recovery. Again I notice him redirecting blame when you removed him from Facebook - up until this point he was ignoring you, causing you pain. So you remove him for your own sanity and suddenly you've ignoring him and he's saying 'he understands you need space' etc?? This guy definately shows streaks of being a manipulator and you my dear are a victim of that manipulation; to even call to apologise for removing him demonstrates this fact - let's face it that is quite pathetic of you? I strongly suggest you start to look at these possibilities and realise that a big reason you can't move on is because you've been made to feel so guilty by him. This has left you in limbo because you believe if you could convince him you've changed then you guys could have another shot? In truth he is the one that would need to apologise to you and I'll tell you now, that as a woman you deserve to be treated much better than you have been. A good relationship involves effective communication and respect and your partner compromising to make you happy - real basics that yours started to lack. I do empathise that you are sad as this was your first love and it always has an impact, but no one is going to take your good memories from you and you'll always have them. What you need to do is appreciate the good bits you've had, look at what you enjoyed about you while in it and take these bits to the next relationship you have - this way something good will come out of it. 4/5 months after the break up, it is not unreasonable to still be hurt and I hope you can see the bits that have been holding you from moving on now? You need to have nothing to do with this guy from now on - do not care about his feelings or ever explain yourself to him - as he has given up any rights by dumping you (though as I said his treatment of you was wrong at times anyway). Keep busy, thinking about your future as an individual and you'll ride through it. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissMoni Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Thank you for your prompt responce, depplover. You are absolutely right about it being pathethic for me to even to apologize for deleting him from facebook. I still do love him a great deal, but I realize he can't and will not love me in the same way, which is a shame because we did share some good times. I'm still hurt by all this but day by day it gets better. It's funny because now that I've cut him out completely he keeps reading my blog (I can tell by his IP address) and I'm baffled. It's like as soon as I cut him out, all of a sudden he cares about what's going on in my life when he hasn't cared for the past 4 months. I do see that what is keeping me back is as you said his manipulating my feelings to make me feel like I am the reason things fell apart. In any relationship, both parties contribute to its demise, but he made me feel like everything was always my fault... Thank you for your honest advice! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Yes it is utterly baffling the minute we block them out is the moment that become interested!! You must keep an eye on the facts for your own self respect and take pride in your personal recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
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