So you want to know about life when you're no longer an OW?

March 3, 2011

Speaking for myself, it is not easy - I am not saying it (a relationship or marriage) can't be done, it can be; but be prepared. There are ex's to deal with, maybe children you have to get to know and allow time to adjust to a new woman in their dad's life. For many people, the children will be the biggest hurdle. For me, it's REALLY getting to know my bf!

Yes, I now know that they had a non-existent relationship for years. Yes, I know (confirmed by her through an email) that there wasn't any sex going on. And, yes, I know that she had issues, but who doesn't? Heck - we could ALL benefit from sitting in a therapist's chair!

But....

....I can now see why my bf had problems with his ex-wife. He has certain ways about him that I have always known about, but didn't quite see how they might impact a "normal" relationship.

So, while I haven't come across one lie about the situation yet, I DO see some of the reasons why they had issues in their marriage, and perhaps, if I were a different kind of woman, I wouldn't be with him right now, either. What I am trying to say is that I finally can see EVERYTHING, both positive and negative about this man. And there is no way to really understand and know someone who is living 2 different lives, no matter how much they try to make you a part of their "other" life - they aren't completely with you mentally until everything is done and over with. I want to say I find this true especially for men - they need their situation with their ex's to be done with before they can truly move on and here I mean that they need the divorce to be FINAL. Until then, most men feel very chaotic and unsettled.

Remember that just because someone doesn't want to be married to or no longer loves the person they were married to, those things do not mean that they don't need time to grieve the end of the marriage - and they may need to do that for many reasons - for spiritual reasons, for feeling like a failure, you name it. You are going to have to practice a lot of patience - you think you needed patience during the affair? PLEASE! That was easy. The real work comes after all is said and done.

So, was it worth it to me? Some days I feel like answering no! Lol. But most days, it's a yes - this relationship is no different than any other one - it requires work. And every once in awhile, I do feel that little, "I wonder if he would cheat on me, too?" But it's quickly gone because I know that we are friends who can talk about anything - when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest. In some ways, knowing his former issues and problems with the ex actually help our relationship. That may seem odd, but it really does help.

I will stop here - I want to help anyone I can but don't want to write a book! Please...OWs (and BSs/anyone else) - feel free to ask me questions - I was where you were once; I'm happy to try and help anyone I can as I was helped by many when I initially came here.

March 3, 2011

Great post complicatedlife! I do have a question. It doesn't relate to me, but how does one overcome the dynamic that is created in a affair once they are in a legitimate relationship?

For instance you said, " when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest." This is the opposite of what happens when many are involved in a A. The lack of what you said above, in fact, creates most of the problems in an affair relationship. You read over and over again that one cannot express or discuss if they are unhappy about something without fear of some kind of repercussion. How do you overcome that? I'm glad that you found happiness and have been able to adjust to a "real" relationship, but what allowed you to do that? There are so many who end up jaded after an affair...it is hard to get rid of the dynamic that is created by involved with a person who is committed to another.

Just curious.

March 3, 2011

Speaking for myself, it is not easy - I am not saying it (a relationship or marriage) can't be done, it can be; but be prepared. There are ex's to deal with, maybe children you have to get to know and allow time to adjust to a new woman in their dad's life. For many people, the children will be the biggest hurdle. For me, it's REALLY getting to know my bf!

Yes, I now know that they had a non-existent relationship for years. Yes, I know (confirmed by her through an email) that there wasn't any sex going on. And, yes, I know that she had issues, but who doesn't? Heck - we could ALL benefit from sitting in a therapist's chair!

But....

....I can now see why my bf had problems with his ex-wife. He has certain ways about him that I have always known about, but didn't quite see how they might impact a "normal" relationship.

So, while I haven't come across one lie about the situation yet, I DO see some of the reasons why they had issues in their marriage, and perhaps, if I were a different kind of woman, I wouldn't be with him right now, either. What I am trying to say is that I finally can see EVERYTHING, both positive and negative about this man. And there is no way to really understand and know someone who is living 2 different lives, no matter how much they try to make you a part of their "other" life - they aren't completely with you mentally until everything is done and over with. I want to say I find this true especially for men - they need their situation with their ex's to be done with before they can truly move on and here I mean that they need the divorce to be FINAL. Until then, most men feel very chaotic and unsettled.

Remember that just because someone doesn't want to be married to or no longer loves the person they were married to, those things do not mean that they don't need time to grieve the end of the marriage - and they may need to do that for many reasons - for spiritual reasons, for feeling like a failure, you name it. You are going to have to practice a lot of patience - you think you needed patience during the affair? PLEASE! That was easy. The real work comes after all is said and done.

So, was it worth it to me? Some days I feel like answering no! Lol. But most days, it's a yes - this relationship is no different than any other one - it requires work. And every once in awhile, I do feel that little, "I wonder if he would cheat on me, too?" But it's quickly gone because I know that we are friends who can talk about anything - when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest. In some ways, knowing his former issues and problems with the ex actually help our relationship. That may seem odd, but it really does help.

I will stop here - I want to help anyone I can but don't want to write a book! Please...OWs (and BSs/anyone else) - feel free to ask me questions - I was where you were once; I'm happy to try and help anyone I can as I was helped by many when I initially came here.

Good thread. I wish more people who ended up together after an A could contribute.

March 3, 2011

Great thread, CL. I think too many people (OW, MM and BS) take too simplistic a view of life and think - if only <fill in the blank>, then everything will be wonderful. But everything always takes work, often has a dark side that we've ignored and will never hold only happiness.

Glad things are overall going well for you.

March 3, 2011

" But it's quickly gone because I know that we are friends who can talk about anything - when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest.

Awesome post!

I was wondering if your relationship is at a point now where you can also freely discuss your feelings. I was just thinking back to Spark's post about how her husband's OW subjugated her feelings instead of making her needs known because MM was having a hard time coping. Did you experience this in your relationship?

March 3, 2011

Great post complicatedlife! I do have a question. It doesn't relate to me, but how does one overcome the dynamic that is created in a affair once they are in a legitimate relationship?

For instance you said, " when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest." This is the opposite of what happens when many are involved in a A. The lack of what you said above, in fact, creates most of the problems in an affair relationship. You read over and over again that one cannot express or discuss if they are unhappy about something without fear of some kind of repercussion. How do you overcome that? I'm glad that you found happiness and have been able to adjust to a "real" relationship, but what allowed you to do that? There are so many who end up jaded after an affair...it is hard to get rid of the dynamic that is created by involved with a person who is committed to another.

Just curious.

Hi, Spice!

I think that the fact that we were really genuine friends for almost one year before we started seeing each other is what made the difference. I think that allowed a certain level of respect for each other, and created a foundation of trust because we used to talk about EVERYTHING. He was my best friend, and I wasn't attracted to him at all! But when I realized I WAS attracted, I told him I couldn't be his friend anymore. And he left his marriage shortly after I said that. We dated for a few months. Long story short, I encouraged him to go back home, he did, we remained platonic friends. counseling started and ended between him and his ex, things between them got WORSE, and thus the affair started. Whew! Lol.

So, I think that because there was a true friendship at the core that remains today, I think that is what makes it work.

what kind of woman would you have been if you hadn't done a married dude!

Lol. Aww, ok, Judge Jsb58, here's the kind of woman I would have been:

The same one I am now! :laugh:

One who knows she isn't perfect. One who is a pretty decent woman who did, yes, participate in an affair. One who volunteers her time to disabled children; travels to third world countries and provides healthcare pro bono to disadvantaged people who can't afford healthcare or medicine. One who comes here and tries to offer an ear and give suggestions to people who are confused, sad, or just need to vent.

Now to the people who might REALLY care as to what I meant by "if I were a different kind of woman, maybe I wouldn't be with him, either" - what I meant was that if I wasn't patient, if I didn't truly love him and was committed to him and the relationship, I would have walked away because he has a few ways that are NOT conducive to a relationship. For example, he is extremely career focused and his life centers around that and his children. The children part is totally okay with me. But his career consumes A LOT of his time - he works every single day of the week, and then some- that is hard on a relationship.

Good thread. I wish more people who ended up together after an A could contribute.

Thank you; I wish more people would, too.

Great thread, CL. I think too many people (OW, MM and BS) take too simplistic a view of life and think - if only <fill in the blank>, then everything will be wonderful. But everything always takes work, often has a dark side that we've ignored and will never hold only happiness.

Glad things are overall going well for you.

Thanks, Silk - we are a work in progress.

Awesome post!
I was wondering if your relationship is at a point now where you can also freely discuss your feelings. I was just thinking back to Spark's post about how her husband's OW subjugated her feelings instead of making her needs known because MM was having a hard time coping. Did you experience this in your relationship?

Thanks!

As friends, definitely not. When we were dating, no. When we went back to being friends when he went back home, no. With the affair, initially no, and then that dynamic started a little and kept going until after the divorce. Now, I am back to a place where I definitely feel free to voice my needs if and when I have them. Good question!

March 4, 2011

Speaking for myself, it is not easy - I am not saying it (a relationship or marriage) can't be done, it can be; but be prepared. There are ex's to deal with, maybe children you have to get to know and allow time to adjust to a new woman in their dad's life. For many people, the children will be the biggest hurdle. For me, it's REALLY getting to know my bf!

Yes, I now know that they had a non-existent relationship for years. Yes, I know (confirmed by her through an email) that there wasn't any sex going on. And, yes, I know that she had issues, but who doesn't? Heck - we could ALL benefit from sitting in a therapist's chair!

But....

....I can now see why my bf had problems with his ex-wife. He has certain ways about him that I have always known about, but didn't quite see how they might impact a "normal" relationship.

So, while I haven't come across one lie about the situation yet, I DO see some of the reasons why they had issues in their marriage, and perhaps, if I were a different kind of woman, I wouldn't be with him right now, either. What I am trying to say is that I finally can see EVERYTHING, both positive and negative about this man. And there is no way to really understand and know someone who is living 2 different lives, no matter how much they try to make you a part of their "other" life - they aren't completely with you mentally until everything is done and over with. I want to say I find this true especially for men - they need their situation with their ex's to be done with before they can truly move on and here I mean that they need the divorce to be FINAL. Until then, most men feel very chaotic and unsettled.

Remember that just because someone doesn't want to be married to or no longer loves the person they were married to, those things do not mean that they don't need time to grieve the end of the marriage - and they may need to do that for many reasons - for spiritual reasons, for feeling like a failure, you name it. You are going to have to practice a lot of patience - you think you needed patience during the affair? PLEASE! That was easy. The real work comes after all is said and done.

So, was it worth it to me? Some days I feel like answering no! Lol. But most days, it's a yes - this relationship is no different than any other one - it requires work. And every once in awhile, I do feel that little, "I wonder if he would cheat on me, too?" But it's quickly gone because I know that we are friends who can talk about anything - when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest. In some ways, knowing his former issues and problems with the ex actually help our relationship. That may seem odd, but it really does help.

I will stop here - I want to help anyone I can but don't want to write a book! Please...OWs (and BSs/anyone else) - feel free to ask me questions - I was where you were once; I'm happy to try and help anyone I can as I was helped by many when I initially came here.

Great thread, CL. I think too many people (OW, MM and BS) take too simplistic a view of life and think - if only <fill in the blank>, then everything will be wonderful. But everything always takes work, often has a dark side that we've ignored and will never hold only happiness.

Glad things are overall going well for you.

Hi CL! Silktricks said a lot of what I wanted to say.

I don't think most people realize that anyone exiting a marriage should take some "alone" time to grieve over a failed marriage. Even though I knew I was done and told him I was done and went to a lawyer, I needed time to reflect on the previous 9 years, my contribution to issues and wonder why I allowed myself to be thrown across a room, hit and why I didn't divorce his a$$ sooner.

I think too many people just right into another relationship without reflecting on the previous one.

I also think many people idiolize the affair partner and think that they will be the missing piece from that person's marriage. They don't truly know the affair person - they didn't spend years dating or courting. They spent snippets of time with someone who was committed to someone else. I see it alot on here who OW blame the wife for the failure of a marriage - how the MM was treated so poorly by the wife, how if she did xyz, how she didn't do abc, etc.

They don't believe that the MM has any faults. See what I bolded above? I know you think you are 'better' than the wife (and I don't mean that snarky or anything) but don't you think way back when he and his wife were first dating, he was open with her, honest with her, talked with her, etc? Don't you think she felt the same way back then you do now? I see that on here all the time - how the OW thinks she is the only one he can talk to, the only one he is honest with, the only one he loves. People seem to forget that these MM at one time courted and dated their wife. They planned a life together through years of knowing each other, etc.

You aren't the first former OW to post here after ending up with the MM and posted about how life isn't the fairy tale dream they had envisioned.

I think because you two took a step back and built a stronger foundation, you saw the REAL him - faults and all. And you realize he contributed to the demise of his own marriage and it wasn't all his wife's fault.

I have no idea what the future holds for you or if this relationship will stand the test of time and all that --- I do hope you are happy with your life and that you keep your eyes open...not just with him but with any relationship. I wish the best for you.

March 4, 2011

And then you're just another boring, married couple who don't stay out past 10 on school nights.

:p Speak for yourself! that's the advantage of older kids - you don't need to babysit anymore! You get your life back, and you can do whatever you want and be whoever you want, just enjoying yourselves and your R!

CL - I'm glad you feel now that you see your BF more realistically, both "good" and "bad", and that you're now in a position to make an informed choice about whether or not your R has legs. And it does bear repeating that all Rs need work - sometimes I'm lulled into a sense of complacency by how little work my M requires and need to shake myself out of that so that I don't start taking my H for granted just because he is so easy to be with. The little voice of yours wondering whether he'd cheat on your is realism - ANY partner in ANY R could cheat, and because you've been party to an A you're aware of that in a way that many couples naively aren't. IME that sets you up to be vigilant and careful with your R, since you're aware of the dangers that could strike if it goes awry. I don't see that as a bad thing, I see that as a mature thing. It's like knowing about heart disease when you walk into the ice-cream parlour rather than just gorging like there's no tomorrow.

Enjoy your R - it's great to see you back

March 5, 2011

Why worry about if he will cheat on you? If he does, he does and you reevaluate and go forward from there. THE SAME ACTION THAT ANY MARRIED PERSON DOES WHEN THEY FIND THEIR SPOUSE HAS STRAYED.

Life is too short to hold grudges and worry about things that we cannot control.

Love your spouse, communicate with them and worry about what you can control-yourself.

And I'm sure that there are plenty of married people on here that get irritated by their spouse and think it'd be easier if they were single. That's the nature of M. You get irritated and then you make up.

Really great post. I enjoyed this portion of it the most, and especially the bolded line.

March 6, 2011

Great post BeachBetty. Every marriage or relationship takes work. I have a very close friend who was an OW, and is now the wife... she told me 20+ years ago that this MM was the love of a lifetime and they would be together, and sure enough, they are. Took a few years and alot of effort on both parts - kids, custody issues, etc, but it worked out. And it CAN work out when it is meant to be.

March 6, 2011

Great post BeachBetty. Every marriage or relationship takes work. I have a very close friend who was an OW, and is now the wife... she told me 20+ years ago that this MM was the love of a lifetime and they would be together, and sure enough, they are. Took a few years and alot of effort on both parts - kids, custody issues, etc, but it worked out. And it CAN work out when it is meant to be.

Provided, as you state, BOTH parties are prepared to put in the effort to make it happen. But when they do, it's just sooooooo worth it!!

March 7, 2011

Hi CL!

Hiya!!

I like your post - wanted to respond to the things in bold.

I don't think most people realize that anyone exiting a marriage should take some "alone" time to grieve over a failed marriage.

So true - I understand from my own personal experience that even though you may not want a relationship doesn't mean you don't need to MOURN the relationship.

Even though I knew I was done and told him I was done and went to a lawyer, I needed time to reflect on the previous 9 years, my contribution to issues and wonder why I allowed myself to be thrown across a room, hit and why I didn't divorce his a$$ sooner.

OMG.

I also think many people idiolize the affair partner and think that they will be the missing piece from that person's marriage. They don't truly know the affair person - they didn't spend years dating or courting. They spent snippets of time with someone who was committed to someone else. I see it alot on here who OW blame the wife for the failure of a marriage - how the MM was treated so poorly by the wife, how if she did xyz, how she didn't do abc, etc.

Yes - along with being in a sort of fantasy world, there is a lot of idiolization that goes on.

They don't believe that the MM has any faults. See what I bolded above? I know you think you are 'better' than the wife (and I don't mean that snarky or anything) but don't you think way back when he and his wife were first dating, he was open with her, honest with her, talked with her, etc? Don't you think she felt the same way back then you do now? I see that on here all the time - how the OW thinks she is the only one he can talk to, the only one he is honest with, the only one he loves. People seem to forget that these MM at one time courted and dated their wife. They planned a life together through years of knowing each other, etc.

Being that I was friends with my bf and then dated him prior to the affair, I knew a few of his faults. I'm not sure why you think that I think I'm "better" than his ex-wife - I am NOT better, I am just a very different kind of woman. I don't know how SHE felt when they were dating, but as for my bf, he told me that when they were dating that he could talk to her about a lot of things, but there were important things that he could NOT talk to her about. Because he is introverted and very quiet, he didn't think it was a big deal until they were already married for a few years, and he then realized it was a big deal because his inability to discuss certain subjects with her ended up being the core of their issues. In their defense, they did get married young -they were 23, and they now BOTH feel that they should have waited because they didn't know each other well enough/didn't date long enough.

I think because you two took a step back and built a stronger foundation, you saw the REAL him - faults and all. And you realize he contributed to the demise of his own marriage and it wasn't all his wife's fault.

I think our friendship gave us a strong foundation. No way I could have made it this far with him without that.

I have no idea what the future holds for you or if this relationship will stand the test of time and all that --- I do hope you are happy with your life and that you keep your eyes open...not just with him but with any relationship. I wish the best for you.

Thanks.

March 7, 2011

Speaking for myself, it is not easy - I am not saying it (a relationship or marriage) can't be done, it can be; but be prepared. There are ex's to deal with, maybe children you have to get to know and allow time to adjust to a new woman in their dad's life. For many people, the children will be the biggest hurdle. For me, it's REALLY getting to know my bf!

Yes, I now know that they had a non-existent relationship for years. Yes, I know (confirmed by her through an email) that there wasn't any sex going on. And, yes, I know that she had issues, but who doesn't? Heck - we could ALL benefit from sitting in a therapist's chair!

But....

....I can now see why my bf had problems with his ex-wife. He has certain ways about him that I have always known about, but didn't quite see how they might impact a "normal" relationship.

So, while I haven't come across one lie about the situation yet, I DO see some of the reasons why they had issues in their marriage, and perhaps, if I were a different kind of woman, I wouldn't be with him right now, either. What I am trying to say is that I finally can see EVERYTHING, both positive and negative about this man. And there is no way to really understand and know someone who is living 2 different lives, no matter how much they try to make you a part of their "other" life - they aren't completely with you mentally until everything is done and over with. I want to say I find this true especially for men - they need their situation with their ex's to be done with before they can truly move on and here I mean that they need the divorce to be FINAL. Until then, most men feel very chaotic and unsettled.

Remember that just because someone doesn't want to be married to or no longer loves the person they were married to, those things do not mean that they don't need time to grieve the end of the marriage - and they may need to do that for many reasons - for spiritual reasons, for feeling like a failure, you name it. You are going to have to practice a lot of patience - you think you needed patience during the affair? PLEASE! That was easy. The real work comes after all is said and done.

So, was it worth it to me? Some days I feel like answering no! Lol. But most days, it's a yes - this relationship is no different than any other one - it requires work. And every once in awhile, I do feel that little, "I wonder if he would cheat on me, too?" But it's quickly gone because I know that we are friends who can talk about anything - when he is unhappy about something, he can discuss it with me and not worry that I will hold it against him for days or even weeks- I listen to him, so he doesn't have to be afraid to be honest. In some ways, knowing his former issues and problems with the ex actually help our relationship. That may seem odd, but it really does help.

I will stop here - I want to help anyone I can but don't want to write a book! Please...OWs (and BSs/anyone else) - feel free to ask me questions - I was where you were once; I'm happy to try and help anyone I can as I was helped by many when I initially came here.

I think this forum needs more posts like this. Honest ones that don't paint this "we're even more in love" and "everythings never been better" picture that just isn't realistic and no one believes it anyway (even if it is true, lol).

I think most non-OPs that post here just want an OP to have this in mind when going forward with the A and hoping for the A to become a R with a single/divorced person. Its going to be hard/challenging. Especially if there are children involved. And things not seen because of the nature of the R, even if friends before, can present themselves as challenges to confront together. Even friends don't know what its like to live together 24/7 most of the time and even fewer friendships survive living together because of those unknown traits.

I think it helps the OW to see that she would react the same as the W to those character traits. And it might help foster some communication between the two - a common ground of sorts.

I understand the wondering about him cheating. Its pointless though. There is really nothing anyone can do to keep from being cheated on other than chain him in the basement without a computer.

I do have one question, or a series of related questions.

Is the R after the A different from the A? Would you still say that the A is no different than a R between two unencumbered people? Not saying anything of better or worse, just different.

March 8, 2011

Beach Betty - great post; you are so right about the counseling - we needed it, too, and still go!

OWoman - loved your post, too- and thank you.

Turbo Girl - I think with the right attitude, committment, and love, that any relationship can be "meant to be". I say that because I don't think I believe in fate...

NID - yes, people need to post more about what happens if the affair relationship becomes viable so others can see that it truly isn't a walk in the park. We all seem to think that our case is "special" and our guy is "different", when that is not the case; all of the dynamics are pretty much the same. What matters is the true intent of the MM or MW, and: is there really care there, are the two people willing to take the chance on the relationship because all relationships require work, but a relationship that began as an affair can sometimes require even MORE work. And to answer your questions:

Is the R after the A different from the A?

It is different in that it's not ONLY about making the best of the time we have. We have other things to concentrate on, so it's not all "romantic" all the time (well, a lot of the time it IS romantic, just not as much as before).

Would you still say that the A is no different than a R between two unencumbered people? Not saying anything of better or worse, just different.

In my particular situation, no, it isn't any different. It's kind of like...Hmmm. Like we were dating for awhile and then moved in together. Now it's like, "Ok....now I know for sure how crazy you are, but I still love you!" Lol.

March 8, 2011

CL, I found it very interesting that you used the term "real relationship" in your opening post. Any time I have used that term, I've been descended upon and verbally battered. It's true, though, that an A relationship is lacking many of the facets of a full on relationship, and folks would be remiss if they were to ignore that.

March 8, 2011

CL, I found it very interesting that you used the term "real relationship" in your opening post.

Ahem. No, she didn't.

March 8, 2011

CL, I found it very interesting that you used the term "real relationship" in your opening post. Any time I have used that term, I've been descended upon and verbally battered. It's true, though, that an A relationship is lacking many of the facets of a full on relationship, and folks would be remiss if they were to ignore that.

Silly is right. CL is talking about the previous marriage not her post-A R with him.

March 8, 2011

....they aren't completely with you mentally until everything is done and over with. I want to say I find this true especially for men - they need their situation with their ex's to be done with before they can truly move on and here I mean that they need the divorce to be FINAL. Until then, most men feel very chaotic and unsettled.

Interesting. Can you expand on this a bit please? On being unsettled and not invested in only one relationship? I'd like to know more.

My ex-H and I were married for.... oh I think about 4/5 years POST-separation for legal and property reasons. Never seemed to bother me, or my husband. Annoyed the hell out of my SO.

It doesn't bother me (yet) that my boyfriend is married given that they are separated and those that know them know they arne't together and never will be. But it will start to irk me I'm sure. We've got his brother's wedding later this year and I know there's going to be lots of prods about us 'moving forward' and I'm sure I won't like being reminded that he's married to someone else.

March 8, 2011

Ahem. No, she didn't.

....I can now see why my bf had problems with his ex-wife. He has certain ways about him that I have always known about, but didn't quite see how they might impact a "normal" relationship.

Sorry. I guess it was "normal relationship," but the inference still stands.

March 8, 2011

Sorry. I guess it was "normal relationship," but the inference still stands.

The use of quote marks suggested, for me, that the OP was quoting others' take on it, not referring matter-of-factly as though it were her own view.

March 8, 2011

The use of quote marks suggested, for me, that the OP was quoting others' take on it, not referring matter-of-factly as though it were her own view.

Apparently you didn't read what she wrote. She said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that she can clearly see how someone can miss all of the red flags that one would see in a "normal" relationship.

Perhaps, CL, you can expound on this as SG appears to not understand what you meant.

March 8, 2011

It's true, though, that an A relationship is lacking many of the facets of a full on relationship, and folks would be remiss if they were to ignore that.

Mine wasn't. My R is the same as it always has been, although the label attached to it has changed.

March 8, 2011

Apparently you didn't read what she wrote. She said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that she can clearly see how someone can miss all of the red flags that one would see in a "normal" relationship.

Perhaps, CL, you can expound on this as SG appears to not understand what you meant.

Thanks yes. I thought speech marks were used for quoting.

Cheers.

March 8, 2011

It doesn't bother me (yet) that my boyfriend is married given that they are separated and those that know them know they arne't together and never will be. But it will start to irk me I'm sure. We've got his brother's wedding later this year and I know there's going to be lots of prods about us 'moving forward' and I'm sure I won't like being reminded that he's married to someone else.

SG, you might want to look up threads by TogetherForever. She lived with her SM for years, while he remained formally M to his estranged W. It did eventually get to her...

March 8, 2011

Thanks yes. I thought speech marks were used for quoting.

Cheers.

And what does that have to do with the actual thought I was discussing? Can we dismiss with the semantics and get to the actual conversation about the issue?

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