proactivedreamer Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Hey LSers! Here, again, now crying. It has been a month since d day. My ex and I spoke on Saturday, we had a minor misunderstanding, which led to a full on arguement, which then led to some really hurt feelings on my side. I have been struggling to resolve some issues I had with the reasons for the break up. He told me during the conversation that the reason was that I am childish, irresponsible, and a dreamer. What is he referring to? Money. He and I had a long distance relationship, I came to see him twice on my wallet but he helped support me while visiting. I have been thinking a great deal about what career direction I want to go in for a long time but had some doubts about whether I was capable of being a success in my chosen field. While I was staying with him in his country for three months, he wanted me to try to find a job, so that when I came back I would have something lined up. The thing was that I had no idea how to do this. I did a great deal of research about the market for my profession and wasn't sure how to proceed in terms of looking for work. Anyways, the primary reason for our break up is about money. I am having trouble coming to terms with how it ended, and I have a great of guilt because I didn't ask enough questions of how should I look for work and I also thought maybe I didn't want work for a corporations or gyms ( I want to feel connected to my work and feel like I am helping people)but much rather have been self-employed. I find myself crying after I reread the email he told me to read that he sent during my stay there. To him, I wasn't showing enough willingness to live in his country because I was not out actively looking for work(no work permit by the way), meeting people in the health field, and not spending more time learning French(had lessons with his neighbor-which I coordinated by the way a few times a week, but learning slowly). I had a great deal of will but I was intimidated by the whole process and, now, wish that I asked him more questions. I did do research but it wasn't enough to appease his concerns about a future together. We get along. We have the same desires and had really good times but now its over because he thinks that I am not responsible with money and feels that I didn't show enough motivation to create a life in Switzerland(not entirely true but maybe not enough to his standards.). It's complicated because I'd say he isn't very responsible. He is in debt 8,000 francs to the Swiss gov or "irs" because he spent it on his trip to another country for 6 months, and he doesn't follow a budget so he complains that he doesn't know where his money is going,so not sure why he is saying this about me when I don't have any debt like that. I really love this man. I want a future with him but I don't think he is inclined to change his mind even if things in my life changed drasitcally in regards to money and career. He won't talk to me online because he says he still feels too much and if he sees my "pretty" face all his reasons for breaking up will disappear.I know he loves me but I don't think the love is strong enough to bring him back to me. A part of me wonders if there is still a chance, even though, I should drop these hopes.I feel like I lost something really special. Our story is really special and I am sad to see it end like this and I wish money didn't complicate things...just need a hug and some words of advice.
Country_Girl Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I think guy dumpers do that as a defense mechanism (don't want to see you/talk to you) at first, because they think they will change their mind. But have some hope, that with time away, the bad memories will fade and he will soon remember the good. My Ex did the same thing, blew me off for a month after breakup. 1.5 months later he started slowly initiating light contact. He even told me at that point he wasn't sure talking to me would be good, because it was causeing him to only remember the good memories. He thought "contact" was doing that, but I think it was the healing process. Now I'm at 2 months post breakup, and he's calling/texting fairly often. In the last 2 days I probably got 50 text messages from him. It's not to say all is well, that we are working things out or anything. But he is remembering the good times and telling me about them. I don't know if it will work out to be honest, and I can honestly say I have now dropped that hope, but it's good to know I'm still on his mind. So as hard as it may be, don't contact him. Give him some space, and wait for him to reach out to you. I moved countries to be with my ex and I completley understand feeling intimidated. I didn't have a visa, coundn't work, and he gave me a hard time about not doing at least volunteer work. In my mind, why would I do that when there was so much work around the house to be done that I could be focusing on. It's tough being in a new place, new surroundings, new people. So let time do the work for you on this one, let him reach out to you, if you shared a bond then I really think this will happen for you. Sorry for any spelling errors, typing from my phone.
Author proactivedreamer Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Thank you so much for your post! I am going to take your advice and stick to no contact. I am so glad that someone finally understands how I felt being abroad, and having to think about all these big decisions. I really thought he understood how I felt because he even said it wouldn't be easy. I hope things work in my favor and we will find our way back to each other. I really love this guy a great deal. I think I should really do my best to get things going for myself with my career in fitness and still learn French because that is something I really did want to do but at my own pace. I hope he reconsiders, and that it will bring him back to me. Thank so much for understanding and the great advice. I am happy that things are looking up for you in your relationship...keep smiling!
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Wow, look I know you're hung up on the guy and I don't mean to offend, but he sounds kind of like a douche rocket to me. He's not responsible if he ows thousands in taxes. He wants you to switch who you are at the drop of a hat. Getting mad because you didn't learn french fast enough? REALLY??? Wants you to get a job WITHOUT a work visa? Yeah, I see you getting hired on somewhere real quick. Girl, you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone. And so what if he called you a dreamer. Without dreamers...this world would be boring as hell. I think you sound wonderful and are deserving of soooo much better.
Country_Girl Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Yeah just use this time to focus on you Accomplish everything you want without him, come to understand that you don't NEED him. Once you get the ball rolling for yourself, your ex will see how independent you are, and in my opinion, the attraction on his end will come back. It's hard, us women tend to get lost in our relationships. At least for me, I kind of lost myself to him and the relationship, that became my main focus. Now that the focus is on me, he's slowly drifting back in the picture. Which is odd, you would think any guy would love your whole focus on them! (He was unhappy at work so I would search the internet looking for jobs for him, made him breakfast/lunch/dinner every day). I guess at some point there needs to be some separate interests, and that was my downfall. So yeah, just disappear into the background for now. When he finally misses you and reaches out, keep it short and simple. Be confident and nonchalant, make him want you again.
Author proactivedreamer Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Thanks again for the advice! You are so correct when you say we get lost in our relationships, Country girl! I tried my best not to get too lost but in the end I wanted to make some big life changes to be with him, and I felt like my strivings went unnoticed. It has been really terrible between us since the break up, and he said many things that through me completely off. He said that he doesn't see a future with me, its too unrealistic, and that we don't understand each other. I think that has been the tough things for me because we have been in this LDR for 18months and did understand each other or else I would have never pursued it with him. I told him that he doesn't seem like the same person I meant in Sept2009, and he said that I just never knew him. He thinks that I don't take life seriously and that everything is just fun. I don't know where he gets that from because I am not even a party girl. It is really unsettling to think that we were saying how much we loved each and couldn't wait to see each other and now we can't really have a proper discussion without something being miscommunicated. I want to hang on to hope but this will be the third he broke up with me, so I am not sure what will spark a change in thinking. He said so many contradictory things, like he said I was living for him but the he'd say I wasn't showing enough willingness. It's so confusing but I am going get myself together. I am hung up on him because he is a lot of things I want in a man. I felt so special with him and got a great deal of love from him, but I didn't feel that he was patient enough and understanding. He said he doesn't see a future so not sure what will bring him back to me...but I will do my best to get my head on and accomplish some cool things this year.
Country_Girl Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Yeah me and my ex were LDR for 1.5 years, and lived together for 1 year after that. I would take anything he says at this point as a grain of salt, there is still some raw emotion on both parts due to the breakup, so I think he could say anything he doesn't mean. When we feel emotions, they are true for the moment, but it doesn't mean that's how we feel overall. My ex went as far as saying he was falling out of love with me, we had also broken up numerous times while we lived together. But a few days ago he went as far as saying he still loves me and wasn't falling out of love with me. So your best bet is let him ride this emotional rollercoaster alone, because eventually he'll come to his true feelings about this. Time really will erase any bitterness. It's kind of funny, because I did the whole begging/pleading thing for weeks, then I just gave up and kept it cool as I was healing. He said maybe 2-3 weeks ago, that he can't read me, that I have a poker face in all this. All I could think was, what?? After all that begging and pleading I have a poker face now?? So i changed his ringtone on my phone to "pokerface" by lady gaga, just to remind myself to keep myself collected when he calls. I don't think I need the reminder anymore, as I really am at a state of "whatever happens, happens" but the ringtone makes me smile. I'm not strict NC, but I don't initiate conversation with him. If he calls/texts I respond- but I don't try to start it, it seems to be working so far. I feel like I have gained a great deal of control by doing this.
Author proactivedreamer Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Hey country girl thanks for the insights. I was wondering if you could tell me more about your relationship. Like why did he end it? And how old are you guys? I guess I just want to know how similar our relationships are. My ex is going to be 30 this year and is going on and on about children, which is why he was pressuring me about finding work and all that. I was wondering how it all ended for you guys? I guess I am still pining...aaaahh. I want to know that he will remember how great I am. sigh...thanks for the input.
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