Foxinsocks Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 This forum has been a real kick up the backside for me. Knowing there are so many others in the same boat really helps! I have a new ldr, not my first but certainly my most important and I'm having trust issues. I have no reason to worry about my bf at all, but my last partner was constantly on at me about cheating on him, he thought I lied to him and mentally this screwed me up to the point where I never went out unless I was going to work or to see him and I always felt the need to justify my actions over everything, why I washed my hair that day, who was I trying to impress etc He used to get so angry with me if I did anything HE thought was out of my routine. Anyway, I'm finding it hard to stop seeing deceit and lies now. I didn't use to be like this and I'd really like it if I wasn't now! I don't say anything to my bf but he does have two female roomates, one of whom I'm worried about. My head is reasonable but my heart breaks at the slightest thing like if he says he spoke to her. I'm being unreasonable I know, and I'd really appreciate some advice on how to handle trust in LDRs because I need to get my head straight. Also if he doesn't text me, or if he ends a call, my mind goes into overdrive as to why, is he talking to another girl etc. I know he has a life! I feel so helpless being affected by what he is doing, even though its perfectly innocent. I have interests and I'm very busy myself, I also know how he feels about me and is just as into me as I am him. We have waited a long time to be together and it all feels very right, but I have this problem that I'd really like to overcome. I need my heart to see some common sense!
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 this is not just about trust. it's also about self-esteem, having 0 expectations and letting go of control. i tell myself sometimes that i wish i have learned about that earlier in life. but some people really have a black and white, distorted view of reality that makes you doubt about how you see life. now looking to your situation...you should treat every relationship as unique. your boyfriend is not your ex. you should give him a chance. i am not sure why you are worried about the 'other' female roommate. if you can tell us more about why you are worried, maybe you have a reason to be... however, you should work on your self-esteem. your past bf may have something to do with your esteem issues because of his abusive behavior, but you have to move on and heal from that in order for you to give your 100% in this new relationship. if your current boyfriend is a cheat, there's nothing you can do to stop him to cheat. you have to let go of the things out of your control. the only thing you can control here is your behavior. unless your boyfriend gives you a reason to doubt, you should face reality right now.
folieadeux Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Don't let your past affect your future. It sounds like you'd be having these issues regardless of the distance. You have to resolve these things within yourself and be very careful not to sabotage your new relationship. Trust and communication are the fundamentals of any relationship, but even moreso in an LDR. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has done anything to cause any concern so try to relax and just enjoy finally being able to be together.
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I think the observation from the other poster about self esteem is correct. Since you have already shared with us that you were in a relationship that was abusive it is not a hard stretch to imagine your self esteem being in the toilet. There will be other women in your SOs life for as long as he lives. Not all of them will have honorable intentions. That is an honest part of life you need to understand and learn how to accept. If he is a good guy worth having, he will rebuff them. I trust my partner is that type of guy and on my own end, I have been exactly that kind of woman. If he is consistently honest and keeps his word and shows himself to be trustworthy then you are just going to have to make a choice between whether you can let go and trust someone again, OR whether you are going to sabotage this relationship because you are scared to do that after what you have been through.
Author Foxinsocks Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 this is not just about trust. it's also about self-esteem, having 0 expectations and letting go of control. however, you should work on your self-esteem. QUOTE] Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry for the delay I think i might be on a different time zone to you all. I definitely agree with the low self esteem comment. I am very happy with how I am and I'm a very busy person, however, I realise I've only gone into relationships where I haven't been hopelessly in love because I was trying to protect myself. Now I've fallen really hard for this man and here he is, wanting to be with me yet my heart is doing everything to find reasons to push him away. The other female flatmate has done nothing to make me worry, infact I haven't met her but I heard indrectly that she was very pretty. It means nothing, but it also means so much in my twisted head, it makes me feel very insecure and inadequate. I would never tell him any of this by the way. What Id like to do all weekend when we cant meet is stay in bed watching my phone waiting for his replies and just watching rubbish tv. I won't, of course, and he will still text me all weekend and everything will be fine....but I want to sleep right through the weekend until we can meet again. My heart is fighting against my head! I need to learn how to increase my self esteem.
folieadeux Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 this is not just about trust. it's also about self-esteem, having 0 expectations and letting go of control. however, you should work on your self-esteem. QUOTE] Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry for the delay I think i might be on a different time zone to you all. I definitely agree with the low self esteem comment. I am very happy with how I am and I'm a very busy person, however, I realise I've only gone into relationships where I haven't been hopelessly in love because I was trying to protect myself. Now I've fallen really hard for this man and here he is, wanting to be with me yet my heart is doing everything to find reasons to push him away. The other female flatmate has done nothing to make me worry, infact I haven't met her but I heard indrectly that she was very pretty. It means nothing, but it also means so much in my twisted head, it makes me feel very insecure and inadequate. I would never tell him any of this by the way. What Id like to do all weekend when we cant meet is stay in bed watching my phone waiting for his replies and just watching rubbish tv. I won't, of course, and he will still text me all weekend and everything will be fine....but I want to sleep right through the weekend until we can meet again. My heart is fighting against my head! I need to learn how to increase my self esteem. Staying at home and waiting for your phone to alert is the worst thing you can do. Stay busy and with other people if you can to keep your mind occupied. How often do you see each other?
creighton0123 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 You're being both unreasonable and irrational. You recognize that. You've taken things so far to the point where you're not being honest and open with your boyfriend. Is that the kind of relationship you want to build with him? You can't learn self-esteem. You have to own life. Self esteem comes with that. You don't have to have people tell you you're beautiful. You have to know you're beautiful. You don't have to define yourself on how others treat you. You have to barge through life enjoying and appreciating both the good and the bad. Be open. Be honest. Be candid. Be fierce. Through practice, you can own all of those things and self-esteem will follow.
Jennie1 Posted March 7, 2011 Posted March 7, 2011 You're being both unreasonable and irrational. You recognize that. You've taken things so far to the point where you're not being honest and open with your boyfriend. Is that the kind of relationship you want to build with him? You can't learn self-esteem. You have to own life. Self esteem comes with that. You don't have to have people tell you you're beautiful. You have to know you're beautiful. You don't have to define yourself on how others treat you. You have to barge through life enjoying and appreciating both the good and the bad. Be open. Be honest. Be candid. Be fierce. Through practice, you can own all of those things and self-esteem will follow. Well said and great advice!
LoganParker Posted March 8, 2011 Posted March 8, 2011 This forum has been a real kick up the backside for me. Knowing there are so many others in the same boat really helps! I have a new ldr, not my first but certainly my most important and I'm having trust issues. I have no reason to worry about my bf at all, but my last partner was constantly on at me about cheating on him, he thought I lied to him and mentally this screwed me up to the point where I never went out unless I was going to work or to see him and I always felt the need to justify my actions over everything, why I washed my hair that day, who was I trying to impress etc He used to get so angry with me if I did anything HE thought was out of my routine. Anyway, I'm finding it hard to stop seeing deceit and lies now. I didn't use to be like this and I'd really like it if I wasn't now! I don't say anything to my bf but he does have two female roomates, one of whom I'm worried about. My head is reasonable but my heart breaks at the slightest thing like if he says he spoke to her. I'm being unreasonable I know, and I'd really appreciate some advice on how to handle trust in LDRs because I need to get my head straight. Also if he doesn't text me, or if he ends a call, my mind goes into overdrive as to why, is he talking to another girl etc. I know he has a life! I feel so helpless being affected by what he is doing, even though its perfectly innocent. I have interests and I'm very busy myself, I also know how he feels about me and is just as into me as I am him. We have waited a long time to be together and it all feels very right, but I have this problem that I'd really like to overcome. I need my heart to see some common sense! Let me ask you a couple questions that might put this in perspective for you. Where is your relationship going to be in 1, year if you keep being paranoid all the time like this? Has there ever been a time when you didn't go into overdrive jealousy when your BF didn't txt you? And should I go into overdrive jealousy if my girlfriend doesn't text me?
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