iris219 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I keep reading about women using men for money, and of course that’s not appropriate. Being a gold digger is obviously not cool, but neither is being a cheapskate. How would you (ladies) feel about dating a man who NEVER offered to pay for you or accepted money from you each time you went out? This would make me feel like the guy doesn’t think I’m worth spending a few bucks on (I’m not talking about going on an extravagant date here).
Lilmisus Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I kinda have dated someone like that (my very soon to be ex) and it sucks. I don't pay ALL the time, but due to the fact that he's the only means of income for his family (parents, sister, niece), he can't afford going out. At first I didn't want him to spend all his money on me since he needed it, and I don't need mine nearly as much, but it has since turned into me paying for like 90% of the dates. Also, it has come to mean that I'm the only gift giver in the relationship, which extremely sucks. It's also what makes me believe that my (soon to be ex)boyfriend doesn't give a s*** about me. I have two friends who have been together for over five years and her relationship started out like mine, and now she does pay for everything. That's including his car, some bills, his clothes, dog, food, etc. She has come to resent him for it, and has tried breaking up with him so many times that it's hard to know if/when they're still together. From what I hear, she's trying to get out of the relationship yet again, but due to the fact that they're so in love with each other, it's hard for her to leave the relationship. Ladies! Never date a guy like this. I believe that relationships should be equal, since this is the 21st century, so I don't have any problem paying for some of the dates, treating him on surprise ones every once in a while. But where this one has taken me by being the one who pays for everything, is somewhere I never wanted to be.
jane100 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Its always a bad scene. End of story. I never experienced it but I have occasionally heard of it/witnessed. He was always sexually ambivlent, passive and disinterested (or interested in other women). The worst combination. What I also hate about it is that the man is so OBVIOUSLY using the woman, I mean for everything, sex, money, support, friendship, seriously creep-out in my book. Yet the woman herself is often a giving and loving woman. Personally I would never do it (I mean until hell-freezes-over, watch Sunset Boulevard if you have any doubts). But if I change my mind I will have lost it. I always thought it was an utterly humiliating thing for a woman to do, but it is more common than people think. BTW, Watch Sunset Boulevard for some film noir fun on this.
AverageJoe Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I am a guy that does this. I very rarely spend money on a first date. Over time I have developed creative and fun ways for dates with a good success rate without spending any money. The women that don't like this can feel free to never see me again, which is fine. I am not interested in a female that feels an sense of entitlement. I gave up being a sucker long ago.
Titania22 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Talk to me when you are feeding and clothes him and his kids, and paying for his kids schooling, and he is running up credit card debt under your name... You live, you learn.
musemaj11 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I keep reading about women using men for money, and of course that’s not appropriate. Being a gold digger is obviously not cool, but neither is being a cheapskate. How would you (ladies) feel about dating a man who NEVER offered to pay for you or accepted money from you each time you went out? This would make me feel like the guy doesn’t think I’m worth spending a few bucks on (I’m not talking about going on an extravagant date here). People who don't like to pay while don't mind getting paid for are free loading cheapskates, both men and women.
AverageJoe Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Ah I think I misinterpreted your post OP, sorry. You mean in general every day circumstance during an ongoing relationship that has already developed? Talk to me when you are feeding and clothes him and his kids, and paying for his kids schooling, and he is running up credit card debt under your name... You live, you learn. Men do this for women everyday as well.
Titania22 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Men do this for women everyday as well. Yes but hopefully not with kids that were fathered by someone else. I meant kids he had with another woman, but had custody of, just for clarification. But I agree it sucks both ways.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I wouldn't date him personally. How does one actually go out without cash or credit? That's like going to a club expecting people to get your tab.
jane100 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) I am not interested in a female that feels an sense of entitlement. I gave up being a sucker long ago. You're choosing the wrong women in the first place, thats all. An authentic, attractive, interesting woman would never sell herself for a stupid meal or trinket. She is too busy with her time with other possibilities. Maybe you were a sucker. But it sounds a horribly bitter self-description, lacking totally in reality and compassion. Probably you have a friend musemaj is complaining and/or ranting about something similar but luckily a few of those jerks here are on my ignore list. Edited March 2, 2011 by jane100
AverageJoe Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Yes but hopefully not with kids that were fathered by someone else. I meant kids he had with another woman, but had custody of, just for clarification. But I agree it sucks both ways. Yep all the time. Men being idiots. Either gender are idiots for doing it. You're choosing the wrong women in the first place, thats all. Maybe you were a sucker. But it sounds a horribly bitter self-description, lacking totally in reality and compassion. Probably you have a friend musemaj is complaining and/or ranting about something similar but luckily a few of those jerks here are on my ignore list. I will be on yours before it is over with I am sure. I am a bit an ******* according to some. It is a charming personality trait I possess. As far as your post I have no idea what you are talking about. Made no logical sense to me.
Author iris219 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Just to clarify, I meant in a casual dating situation. And I didn't mean the woman was paying for the man each time, just that he wasn't paying for her ever. There's nothing wrong with each paying for themselves from time to time, but when a man pays for a drink or dinner, it's like he's saying, "I want to get the check because I like you and want to do something nice for you." It makes a girl feel good--it has nothing to do with entitlement. If a man never offered to pay, I'd think he just wanted to be friends and wasn't interested in me romantically.
musemaj11 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Just to clarify, I meant in a casual dating situation. And I didn't mean the woman was paying for the man each time, just that he wasn't paying for her ever. There's nothing wrong with each paying for themselves from time to time, but when a man pays for a drink or dinner, it's like he's saying, "I want to get the check because I like you and want to do something nice for you." It makes a girl feel good--it has nothing to do with entitlement. If a man never offered to pay, I'd think he just wanted to be friends and wasn't interested in me romantically. Have u ever paid for him? If the woman has generously paid for the guy at times then someone has to have zero integrity to never reciprocate that. The same thing in reverse.
sally4sara Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I don't see a problem with it as long as everything else in the relationship makes you happy and it isn't due to some obsession about money either way. I was always fine with dutch so long as it wasn't with someone who pours over a bill and calculates the percentage of tip left per person - that's just awkward and hyper concerned with money. I figure if everything else about the relationship is good, it will probably move forward to some blending of finances via marriage or cohabitation. It would be good before taking that step to be able to see how each other handles their own finances.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Yes but hopefully not with kids that were fathered by someone else. I meant kids he had with another woman, but had custody of, just for clarification. But I agree it sucks both ways. I got put in that situation several years ago. When I balked she basically told me that her and the child came as a package. I dated her for a year. She constantly pushed me to buy stuff for her son. The father was a total deadbeat. I finally just said enough and dumped her after dating for about 1 year. She was acting crappy because I would not buy her a dress. She felt because I invited her to something that she felt needed a dress... I had to buy her one.
AverageJoe Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I got put in that situation several years ago. When I balked she basically told me that her and the child came as a package. I dated her for a year. She constantly pushed me to buy stuff for her son. The father was a total deadbeat. I finally just said enough and dumped her after dating for about 1 year. She was acting crappy because I would not buy her a dress. She felt because I invited her to something that she felt needed a dress... I had to buy her one. And for that you are no longer a chump. Way to wise up, good on you. And some females think there are women that don't have that entitlement mentality. Do it once and the probability increases they will expect it again from that point out. Men really owe women nothing.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 And for that you are no longer a chump. Way to wise up, good on you. And some females think there are women that don't have that entitlement mentality. Do it once and the probability increases they will expect it again from that point out. Men really owe women nothing. I think that attitude is kind of an American thing. My GF is from another country and as I get to know her and her friends I have noticed some really big differences in attitude and values. I think the biggest one is that she actively tries to do things that would save me money or boost my income. She makes my lunches some weeks, and I estimate the savings from that is about $40-70 per week. She also has sewed some of my clothes and does various other things. I have pretty much exclusively dated American women up to this point... and I think the prevailing attitude is that doing stuff like that would be meddling in my personal business and considered rude. However, when I talked about it in a thread most of the women were pretty clear that to cook or do anything to help a BF is very demeaning to a woman.
Titania22 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Do it once and the probability increases they will expect it again from that point out. Average Joe, this has been my experience only in reverse. I think it's a human thing, not a gender thing.
AverageJoe Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I think that attitude is kind of an American thing. My GF is from another country and as I get to know her and her friends I have noticed some really big differences in attitude and values. I think the biggest one is that she actively tries to do things that would save me money or boost my income. She makes my lunches some weeks, and I estimate the savings from that is about $40-70 per week. She also has sewed some of my clothes and does various other things. I have pretty much exclusively dated American women up to this point... and I think the prevailing attitude is that doing stuff like that would be meddling in my personal business and considered rude. However, when I talked about it in a thread most of the women were pretty clear that to cook or do anything to help a BF is very demeaning to a woman. Oh, I agree %100. Some of the best girlfriends I have had were not raised in the states. The general attitudes are night and day. I am with you there. Only difference I found is that I can cook better than some of the women I have been out with. hehe
Woggle Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I got put in that situation several years ago. When I balked she basically told me that her and the child came as a package. I dated her for a year. She constantly pushed me to buy stuff for her son. The father was a total deadbeat. I finally just said enough and dumped her after dating for about 1 year. She was acting crappy because I would not buy her a dress. She felt because I invited her to something that she felt needed a dress... I had to buy her one. Good for you for dumping her. Some women act like children who can't get the toy they want you don't give them free access to your wallet. This to me just sounds like wanting equality when it is convenient. I have no issue spending on a woman that does not demand it but men hate doing things for people who feel entitled to it. It is one of our major pet peeves.
Author iris219 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 It's not about a man owing a woman anything! It's about a man wanting to occasionally pay because it makes him feel good to do something nice for her. (Again, I'm not talking about expensive dates here--a coffee or an $8 lunch makes me very happy.) And it's not about equality. Things aren't equal between men and women because men and women are different. It makes me feel good to bake cookies for someone I like. It should make a man feel good to take a woman he likes out and pay for it. I don't, however, expect him to bake me cookies.
Woggle Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 However, when I talked about it in a thread most of the women were pretty clear that to cook or do anything to help a BF is very demeaning to a woman. Yup. You need to be a traditional man and shell out your hard earned money for them but god forbid you ask anything from them? What exactly should a woman do for a man in their eyes?
Woggle Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 It's not about a man owing a woman anything! It's about a man wanting to occasionally pay because it makes him feel good to do something nice for her. (Again, I'm not talking about expensive dates here--a coffee or an $8 lunch makes me very happy.) And it's not about equality. Things aren't equal between men and women because men and women are different. It makes me feel good to bake cookies for someone I like. It should make a man feel good to take a woman he likes out and pay for it. I don't, however, expect him to bake me cookies. Do you consider a woman who cooks for a man because it makes her feel good to do something nice to be a stepford wife?
AverageJoe Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Average Joe, this has been my experience only in reverse. I think it's a human thing, not a gender thing. You are probably correct across the board. However, as a male you just have to trust me when I say it is more prevalent in regards to females. I don't know how many women you have went out with but I date my fair share. Some of them really have a sense of entitlement. Titania, I am not trying to pick on you. But, really. Based on what little info you provided and I am assuming what you said reflected you personally. Get out! Stop doing it.
Titania22 Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I think the biggest one is that she actively tries to do things that would save me money or boost my income. Untouchable Fire, this is my skill. I may be crap at making money, but I can sure find ways around spending it. My kids and I just got free hair cuts, and my daughter just got a bunch of fillings for free too. Knowing how to get stuff free, or greatly reduced in price is often easier then actually making the money. I also recently got a gym membership where the average person is paying $260/month, and I am paying $25/week. Nothing I do to save money, takes advantage of anyone, and the savings are available to both genders. I also scan petrol prices to buy on the cheapest day (which changes all the time). I think often skills like this are undervalued, and yet in todays economics it seems essential. Personally I enjoy a $6.50 lunch as much as a $30 one.
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