NG85 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 My ex and I have been apart for about 4 months, and I've initiated 2 periods of NC/LC during this time. At most we would talk about once or twice a week. The longer we've been apart, the easier it is to talk to her and not feel like an emotional wreck. A week or 2 ago she initiated contact with me through AIM, then texted me periodically throughout the weekend, and I responded civilly and casually. But I haven't initiated contact with her in a long time. I've heard that the secret to winning back an ex is to remain friends and to be able to talk to one another, since it's easier to like someone you're friendly with than someone you're on bad terms with. But a lot of people on here just say to go NC for however long until they get in touch with you, which makes you "rare" to them, and therefore more valuable. I've been working on myself, physically and mentally, since the break-up, and I really don't know if any of that will matter if I don't have contact with her. But likewise, I wonder if being in constant contact will put me in a full-on "friend-zone" from which there's no return. Thoughts?
scrc1 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Same here. Time frames and everything. My ex has started to drop the crumbs here and there also, and I haven't initiated any of it. I feel like she's trying to break the ice a bit. I would like to talk to her. But I'll still be careful not to get put into some friend zone. Everyone seems to say "Stay NC, Stay NC", but at a certain point, doesn't that have to change? I wouldn't think its too likely for her to ask me to be with her again if I flat ignore her.
Author NG85 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Everyone seems to say "Stay NC, Stay NC", but at a certain point, doesn't that have to change? I wouldn't think its too likely for her to ask me to be with her again if I flat ignore her. Exactly. Especially if you've been working on improving yourself, it's next to impossible to prove it to them if you're pretending they don't exist. While I admit that going NC makes me feel less bummed, I've only used it at points when my ex was driving me crazy. When we broke up I still spoke to her every few days, but once I found out she was seeing someone almost immediately thereafter, I flipped out and went NC for a few weeks until I calmed down. Once we began talking, she was driving me crazy and wouldn't shut up about her new boyfriend, so I went NC for another few weeks. Now I only speak to her if she contacts me first. She used to do a lot of reaching out through Facebook, but that's kind of died down a bit recently. I feel that going completely NC at this point will just make her forget me, even though we seem to be on good terms. I've been out of her life in a big way for 4 months, and I wonder if that's enough time for the new guy to have really swept in and made her completely forget about me.
scrc1 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Tough call isn't it. Mine doesn't have a new guy...at least as far as I know. I suppose I have no way to know for sure. That's why I feel I should at least do something. After four months, I think time has got to become more of a factor. As in, less likely for anything to happen if there isn't some input from both of us. There is no manual for this ****.
Author NG85 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 There is no manual for this ****. Amen to that!
Country_Girl Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 There is no manual for this ****. That made me laugh so freaking hard!
Author NG85 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Just bumping this, I'm interested to see if I'm doing the right or wrong thing.
smudge21 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I have to stay in contact with my ex due to work committments, but I don't contact her unless I really really have to. I can go NC for a good time before she's getting in touch - just random stuff which is her way of seeing if I'm still there. If we meet up, I act like the same person I was when we first met; a good friend, life of the party and it's clear this reminds her of what she gave up. If it wasn't for work though, I probably would have gone total NC and not looked back. As it is now, I feel that by acting okay with her and occasionally seeing each other (albeit never alone, always in a group) I'm actually showing her that I'm over her - even though deep down, I know I still love her deeply. NC to me is about healing firstly, but can also lead to getting the ex back on your terms. If she comes back, fine, if not, I've healed and moved on. Win win situation.
Country_Girl Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 Well I think if you're looking to reconcile, at some point NC has to be broken. I wouldn't advocate always being available though, so you are not put in the friend zone. I think 4 months is a good amount of time to start opening the doors of communication. I think if she texts, you should reply, but maybe wait 30 min to an hour, so it comes across that you are busy, i.e. have a life. If she sends an email, wait a few days to respond. I would let her initiate all forms of contact. That's my 2 cents, but no idea if it's right or wrong.
Author NG85 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Well I think if you're looking to reconcile, at some point NC has to be broken. I wouldn't advocate always being available though, so you are not put in the friend zone. I think 4 months is a good amount of time to start opening the doors of communication. I think if she texts, you should reply, but maybe wait 30 min to an hour, so it comes across that you are busy, i.e. have a life. If she sends an email, wait a few days to respond. I would let her initiate all forms of contact. That's my 2 cents, but no idea if it's right or wrong. Good ideas, that's what I've been doing. If she texts just to make small talk, I wait a few minutes before responding. But if she texts me a question because she needs help with something, or needs to remember the name of something, or what have you, then that's when I wait an hour or so to respond. It keeps her on the edge of her seat, and makes me look busy. I guess my big issue is that I really have nothing to talk to her about. Whenever we do speak it's usually just to catch up, and it seems like she never wants to tell me really what's going on in her life (Although she does her fair share of bragging). Likewise, she never asks me what's going on in mine - A lot of times I just let her lead the conversation and she just talks about herself, something she never usually used to do.
hopeful4someday Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Tough call isn't it. Mine doesn't have a new guy...at least as far as I know. I suppose I have no way to know for sure. That's why I feel I should at least do something. After four months, I think time has got to become more of a factor. As in, less likely for anything to happen if there isn't some input from both of us. There is no manual for this ****. I think ultimately it comes down to "whatever will be, will be". I don't think you can NC your way to making someone love you. If they didn't have feelings for you, they won't after NC. It might make them stop and think for a minute, but even if you get back together, those reasons are going to come back up. I had an ex tell me once that he liked me better when I was mysterious. NC might have helped, but would I want to do it? No. I mean, I did end up NC, after bitching him out, and we've never spoken since. It was rough for a minute, but I sure don't lose any sleep over it anymore. If she's getting a new guy, and she really loves the new guy, she's going to know whether she likes him better or worse than you. If he's just to fill space, there's no reason why you won't get back together someday. If she likes him more, you're SOL, because even if they break up she won't go back to you because she'll know there's more compatible people out there. I guess where I'm going with this is that if you're doing NC, do it for yourself so you can get the space and perspective to move on. If you don't want to move on, you haven't been sticking to NC for long enough, or else you're stringing yourself along with false hope. I think the trick is getting to the point where you see the relationship for what it was, with all its flaws, and you've sorted your feelings out. Then these decisions will come easily and naturally.
Author NG85 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Posted March 7, 2011 I think ultimately it comes down to "whatever will be, will be". I don't think you can NC your way to making someone love you. If they didn't have feelings for you, they won't after NC. It might make them stop and think for a minute, but even if you get back together, those reasons are going to come back up. I had an ex tell me once that he liked me better when I was mysterious. NC might have helped, but would I want to do it? No. I mean, I did end up NC, after bitching him out, and we've never spoken since. It was rough for a minute, but I sure don't lose any sleep over it anymore. If she's getting a new guy, and she really loves the new guy, she's going to know whether she likes him better or worse than you. If he's just to fill space, there's no reason why you won't get back together someday. If she likes him more, you're SOL, because even if they break up she won't go back to you because she'll know there's more compatible people out there. I guess where I'm going with this is that if you're doing NC, do it for yourself so you can get the space and perspective to move on. If you don't want to move on, you haven't been sticking to NC for long enough, or else you're stringing yourself along with false hope. I think the trick is getting to the point where you see the relationship for what it was, with all its flaws, and you've sorted your feelings out. Then these decisions will come easily and naturally. Excellent points, and I agree, each time I do NC or LC I end up feeling much better about myself. Even though it's been 4 months and I'm still on here wondering how to win her back, I don't feel like an emotional wreck when I think about her. Interesting point on her new guy, too. I've been wondering how to handle this, since she began seeing a guy almost immediately after we broke up. She said she had been talking to him towards the end of our relationship, but he was really just a blogger she encountered through her blog who lived 3,000 miles away. I want to say that she's in a rebound, because they seemed to be moving very very fast and she went into EXTREME honeymoon mode, but they do seem very compatible. I just wonder when the distance will really factor in and become an issue - It's not easy for an early 20-something student to travel across the country to see someone on a regular basis. And I do live quite far away from her, but not 3,000 miles away, so I wonder if my proximity to her could help me reconcile - It'd be easier for us to meet than for her to meet up with her new guy any time.
scrc1 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I'll tell you this: be extra careful how you handle it. My ex has been calling a fair bit lately, and I've been answering sometimes. Mistake or not, I wanted to talk to her so I did. Having casual conversations with someone you are totally in love with is extremely hard on the psyche if she doesn't steer the conversation in that direction. I just got done a long chat with my ex and got to hear about how great she's doing, made fun of some of our relationship problems we had in the past. She made no indication that she's with someone else, but who fuc king knows. Definitely didn't talk about us reconciling. I think I feel worse than before, as it just puts you in limbo all over again. I feel powerless to resist anything from this girl, because my heart wants it so bad.
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