freegal Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I am the other woman. i recently started an affair with a married guy. A chance meeting with an old childhood crush. He intitiated it. I have been married had boyfriends who were single. I have been single for 13 yrs. Why? Because I know I want none of the things that come with a relationship. For 13 yrs I have told friends and family I just want a boy toy. I am independent, I have my own "everything". I do not want someone around all the time. I've done it and don't like it. I just want sex. Plain and simple. I will never have feelings for him, tell his wife, ask if he will leave. That is the LAST thing I want. In fact it annoys me when "he" calls constantly or asks what I'm doing or who I am with. I would love to have an ideal relationship, but sadly the reality is it won't happen. If I could find someone who didn't complain, wasn't needy, liked everything I cooked, liked the same movies I do, didn't try to out macho me, I guess I could be happy. But I just want the sex, and that's it. Come over and do me and leave! Adios. I know it's weird but it's my story. I don't feel bad, he has issues with his marriage and it's not my problem. Or maybe he doesn't and just wants a different flavor. Fine with me. I just wonder if any other "other women" feel this way??
jthorne Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Yep. Usually they are too busy living their lives to post on a support board.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 There have been several ow here who feel the way you do. I am pretty sure you aren't an anomaly.
9Lives Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I am the other woman. i recently started an affair with a married guy. A chance meeting with an old childhood crush. He intitiated it. I have been married had boyfriends who were single. I have been single for 13 yrs. Why? Because I know I want none of the things that come with a relationship. For 13 yrs I have told friends and family I just want a boy toy. I am independent, I have my own "everything". I do not want someone around all the time. I've done it and don't like it. I just want sex. Plain and simple. I will never have feelings for him, tell his wife, ask if he will leave. That is the LAST thing I want. In fact it annoys me when "he" calls constantly or asks what I'm doing or who I am with. I would love to have an ideal relationship, but sadly the reality is it won't happen. If I could find someone who didn't complain, wasn't needy, liked everything I cooked, liked the same movies I do, didn't try to out macho me, I guess I could be happy. But I just want the sex, and that's it. Come over and do me and leave! Adios. I know it's weird but it's my story. I don't feel bad, he has issues with his marriage and it's not my problem. Or maybe he doesn't and just wants a different flavor. Fine with me. I just wonder if any other "other women" feel this way?? Sounds good right now but life has a way of bring these type of arrangements to a close. You can have all the toys you want but none of them should have a ring on them. Why do you have to do this with someone else husband? There are so many guys out there that would love you to be you fkbuddy. Im not putting you down. I cant do that. Im guilty of messing with a mm before but I learned that ....it aint worth it. It is very dirty. What goes around, comes around. You never know what life has in store so you are not getting away with anything. I suggest you change your mindset and just get you a single fkbuddy, tell them what you want, and I know you can find a man that will be down for it.
Carrot2000 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I think you'd be better off with a single guy who's in the same place you are right now. Sounds like MM wants more from you than you're willing to give and is looking for you to be his emotional outlet. That, plus the fact that he's married, makes it not worth it. There are plenty of men out there who will keep you properly d*cked down without any of the hassle.
carrie999 Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 You are lying to yourself. The worst type of lying. You wouldn't be here if you were happy. I agree. What is bothering you? Is it really just that you find it annoying when someone develops feelings for you? If that's the case, why keep going back to one man? While I'll always be the type who needs some sense of security in a relationship, I can understand how you feel in a very different way. Everyone sets their own boundaries. I cannot be in a relationship where I don't have some freedom. I like to plan trips with only my sister or friends, and I need time completely alone, even if it's only an hour to run or read or collect my thoughts without someone hovering over me, waiting for attention. I could sacrifice that for children, but I cannot be with a man who wants me to himself as much as some men (and women) expect from a spouse. To each his own. So in that sense, I fully respect that you have certain expectations for your own privacy, and emotional boundaries. And I understand why affairs are ideal for you in that they are self-limiting in terms of time and emotional investment. But why not find a few "friends with benefits" who are looking for the same extreme degree of emotional detachment that you are?
carhill Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 OP, welcome to LS I think you'll find the postings of this member to be meaningful and perhaps helpful. As with most healthy relationships, clear communication is essential. 'I'm not looking for a relationship; I don't need a man to spend the night. I enjoy my carnal pleasures and my solitude. How do you feel about that?' Good luck
OWoman Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I am the other woman. i recently started an affair with a married guy. A chance meeting with an old childhood crush. He intitiated it. I have been married had boyfriends who were single. I have been single for 13 yrs. Why? Because I know I want none of the things that come with a relationship. For 13 yrs I have told friends and family I just want a boy toy. I am independent, I have my own "everything". I do not want someone around all the time. I've done it and don't like it. I just want sex. Plain and simple. I will never have feelings for him, tell his wife, ask if he will leave. That is the LAST thing I want. In fact it annoys me when "he" calls constantly or asks what I'm doing or who I am with. I would love to have an ideal relationship, but sadly the reality is it won't happen. If I could find someone who didn't complain, wasn't needy, liked everything I cooked, liked the same movies I do, didn't try to out macho me, I guess I could be happy. But I just want the sex, and that's it. Come over and do me and leave! Adios. I know it's weird but it's my story. I don't feel bad, he has issues with his marriage and it's not my problem. Or maybe he doesn't and just wants a different flavor. Fine with me. I just wonder if any other "other women" feel this way?? I used to be like this. I don't agree with posters who say ultimately you will "hurt yourself" in the long run. I think it's important to be true to yourself and what you need, and not to conform to expectations that don't fit you. It worked for me for decades, and I don't regret any of it. As my life circumstances changed, my needs and desires changed, and I landed up falling in love with one of my fMMs, who is now my H. I have never had a bad experience in an A, unlike Rs with SGs which quickly move from NSA to their wanting more and more. At least with a MM they already have "something more" with someone else, so there's less likely to be pressure on you to have to provide it for them. Enjoy
OWoman Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 You are lying to yourself. The worst type of lying. You wouldn't be here if you were happy. I disagree completely! I'm happy, and I'm here. Not every poster here is miserable.
Emme Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 I use to be you. No emotion. Cut off from feelings, people... Over time I grew up and matured because of my best friend who now is my ex-lover changed me. I say you need to stay detached from those around you that you care for. It's safer for you that way. First thing is no more sex in your home. You add warmth to the relationship when they feel you share a part of your life with them. He is in your home, your bed. Comfort in your home has made him more attached. If you are looking for someone who won't bother you it's time to start going to hotels. If not and if you have the funds a small apartment somewhere will do just fine.
Author freegal Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 Okay thanks for the replies. They were insightful. But this is something I have thought about from the DAY I left my Husband. I have thought about it for 13 yrs. I guess I'm not so comfortable with finding just anyone to be a FB, I am comfortable with this because I am familiar with him. We had a pretty close friendship 25 yrs ago. But he said from the get go, all he could offer was sex, and since I know that's all i really want I figured I could go with it. I don't see how he wants more or is getting attached seeing as he said that's all he could offer. Why would he want more? He lingers for kissing as I am pushing him out of the house. reminding him that's not what YOU want. I have shut off my feelings because he asked for it, and it keeps me from getting hurt. From what I see on here I guess eventually I will get hurt? As far as the wife goes, I know nothing about her, I don't ask about the relationship and I don't want to know.
SoleMate Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 A woman who truly wants just sex and not a r/s or love or commitment, can have her pick from a lengthy list of desirable single men, and let her rules be known upfront. Should one of these SGs become too clingy and "want more", then just scratch him off the list for a rules violation and move on to the next. It is a fallacy that a MM is somehow preferred or required for a NSA relationship. Actually, a rational SG who wants NSA is the best bet for a rational single woman who wants NSA. With a rational SG, there will be time flexibility, no drama, no guilt, no need for either person to hide, no need for lies, no negative MM-related consequences, no "throwing under the bus". Just the NSA activities, at your convenience, with one or more. UNLIKE the OW with a MM, the single woman with NSA SGs is in TOTAL control! And that's what the unblushing OW on this board usually claim they want - control in the r/s. If someone who COULD have the deal described above, instead chooses the drama and lies or an A with a MM, I'd have to assume that the claim about just wanting NSA sex is false. If you MUST have an A with a particular MM, it is because he is special to you. That specialness could be love-related, or something else emotional.
OWoman Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 From what I see on here I guess eventually I will get hurt? As far as the wife goes, I know nothing about her, I don't ask about the relationship and I don't want to know. Not necessarily. As long as you maintain sufficient self-awareness and are able to moderate your behaviour accordingly, there is no need to get hurt. I have never been hurt and do not see it as obligatory.
Author freegal Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 I do agree with you. This is something that just happened, shocking actually. I had myself turned off for a LONG time. I work in a field that is 98% male, they disgust me. My career has caused this emotional turmoil, (me not wanting to even consider bothering with a guy.) But, I knew him. We grew up together, and because I know him and feel comfortable he is in another category for me. I will never be able to form a relationship from nothing with a male. Because of my job, I really have a belief that they are all PIGS but because I still see this guy as the 16 yr old I used to hang with, I see him as that person, and not the MAN he is today. Weird I know. Just makes it easier for me. In fact if this had never happened I would still be happy with no one.
OWoman Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 A woman who truly wants just sex and not a r/s or love or commitment, can have her pick from a lengthy list of desirable single men, and let her rules be known upfront. Should one of these SGs become too clingy and "want more", then just scratch him off the list for a rules violation and move on to the next. It is a fallacy that a MM is somehow preferred or required for a NSA relationship. Actually, a rational SG who wants NSA is the best bet for a rational single woman who wants NSA. With a rational SG, there will be time flexibility, no drama, no guilt, no need for either person to hide, no need for lies, no negative MM-related consequences, no "throwing under the bus". Just the NSA activities, at your convenience, with one or more. UNLIKE the OW with a MM, the single woman with NSA SGs is in TOTAL control! And that's what the unblushing OW on this board usually claim they want - control in the r/s. If someone who COULD have the deal described above, instead chooses the drama and lies or an A with a MM, I'd have to assume that the claim about just wanting NSA sex is false. If you MUST have an A with a particular MM, it is because he is special to you. That specialness could be love-related, or something else emotional. My experience is the exact opposite! SGs brought demands, drama, a lack of convenience and a need to hide (to escape their demands for more than I was willing to give!). With NSA MMs there were no demands, no drama, it was all completely at my convenience, there was no need to hide, no lies, and no negative consequences at all. If any of them started wanting more, it was easy enough to "scratch them from the list", as suggested. MMs were a lot less likely to turn into bunny boilers than SGs...
Emme Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) Why would he want more? He lingers for kissing as I am pushing him out of the house. reminding him that's not what YOU want. I have shut off my feelings because he asked for it, and it keeps me from getting hurt. From what I see on here I guess eventually I will get hurt? As far as the wife goes, I know nothing about her, I don't ask about the relationship and I don't want to know. You are his second home. If you never invited him into your home the connection would not go to the next level that fast. You have opened up yourself to him. He is relaxed enjoying all that you offer. Don't mess around and start cooking for him. He'll never want to leave. For now you are suppressing the love you feel. We all are careful who we choose for one reason or another. The love is there from back in time. It will resurface and when it does just be prepared. Just know it will come unexpectedly. Edited March 5, 2011 by Emme
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