eleanorhurting Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Hi. I am new here and I wrote a post last week about the guilt and remorse (which is completely deserved I know) that I have been feeling since I ended a relationship with my last boyfriend after I cheated on him and confessed (well, he ended it, which I understand and respect wholeheartedly). I know that many people here will bash me for my mistakes (yes mistakes plural). I am genuinely trying to change and reading about other people's experiences is helping and I would love feedback on how to change and this is not exactly the kind of thing I like to discuss with my friends or my peers...(specially since the person I cheated on my boyfriend with is in my close circle of friends... and I have distanced myself mostly because of my NC decision with this person... decision which some of my friends did not support and saw as selfish and immature. I think it is the opposite I believe it was the first good thing I did) I am concerned that maybe my therapist is helping me heal but is not helping me deal with the root of my problems. His approach the whole time has been to help me realize that what I did was wrong but to understand that I am not a horrible person for what I did, to forgive myself and move on. However, I am concerned because the more I have read posts on here the more I have realized that although this was the first time I physically cheated on someone, in this past relationship and the one before that, there were things that I did that were... just wrong. I feel like I recognized a pattern where I have cheated emotionally in the past but I never recognized what I was doing until I cheated physically and confessed and realized what a horrible, damaging selfish thing I did and have done in the past. I feel like this opened my mind to realize that I need to change my mindset because if not I will keep making the same mistakes. My therapist however although he has focused on this I feel like his aim is more trying to get me out of my self-punishment and guilt and move on with my life. I feel like I need to fix these patterns. Is this just part of my cycle guilt and shame or am I right to want to fix my selfish mindset? Am I being too self-conscious to the point where I wont forgive myself? Every time I meet someone who is a guy who tries to get close to me and who I find attractive I immediately put this fence up so I will not be tempted to fall into an old pattern. But if I need to put the fence up is it because I know that I could fall? Could it be that after realizing the error of my ways I still have not changed and I need to restrain myself so severely so I will not err? My therapist says that while it is healthy that I work on myself right now and keep boundaries with the opposite sex, I should not close myself off completely and that having an interest in the opposite sex is normal. But I keep thinking there is something wrong with me! This is not right! I dont want to do the same stupid things! Is he being too reassuring? should I change therapists? Should I find someone else who helps me understand why I have this pattern of having a man to lean on whenever I need support and reassurance in my life? This is the pattern that I am terrified of falling into which is why I dont want to let anyone in... not even as a friend because thats how it ALWAYS starts. Can I change?
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 let me clarify in case someone misunderstands my post I am not DATING in any way shape or form. At first after the breakup happened I tried to go out during Christmas break and stay busy. However, I actually have been pretty secluded to my house. I am a graduate student so when I'm not studying my free time is spent obsessing about what happened and reading posts here and stuff about infidelity in general. I am even watching my lectures online as much as I can instead of going to school. When I say people try to reach out to get to know me they're mostly other students or friends of friends that I have met this semester. I actually asked a classmate why he suddenly started g-chatting with me and he said I was very pretty and seemed very nice and outgoing in class and he wanted to get to know me. I guess that makes sense maybe on the outside I still look attractive and people dont see the big A on my chest. Anyway I let him know right away that I was not interested in absolutely ANYTHYING WITH ANYONE and although at first I think he was taken aback by how forward I was, it ended up being pretty cool and it transitioned into a completely NON flirty friendship. This is the third time this has happened since December. The others have pretty much gone missing after I put up my wall.
Author eleanorhurting Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Today I came up with a crazy idea. I am going to start pretending that I have a boyfriend and that I want to treat him with respect and learn from what happened. I know this sounds crazy but when I am in a situation I will think "Is this something that you would do if you had a boyfriend who you love and respect and would not do anything to hurt him?" example: is having coffee with X person after class something your boyfriend would approve of?" I think this will help me stay away from bad patterns and this way I will learn to have boundaries that I can carry on when I have a relationship in the future again. Does this make any sense?
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