makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I've been thinking about this recently. And I'm going to be honest - I was a pretty pathetic dumpee. I was with this man for 2 1/2 years. Following my breakup in October (in which he broke it off in a drunken argument and physically threw me out of the apartment), I was given the complete silent treatment. I desperately wanted answers and to communicate with him. For the first couple weeks I would send a text or an email about every two days. I even went to his door a couple times and he refused to speak to me or answer the door. After that I tried to go no contact and went three weeks before I broke down and sent an email and 3 text messages. Then about two weeks later I sent an email and 2 text messages. Then I went a month and sent 2 text messages and an email. Then I went another 2 weeks, sent a professional email (which was ignored) followed a few days later by 3 text messages. I don't know if the timeline adds up, but this is basically the trajectory. ALL of my attempts to contact him were ignored, except once I received a poem from him in my mailbox at work. Finally I confronted him in person at a coffee shop near my work, had a 5 minute conversation, and now I basically have closure and no longer feel like contacting him. My question is - am I a "stalker?" I never followed him around or anything, all of my communications were polite (although some were emotional), and I didn't send him 30 messages in a day or anything like that. But he has told mutual friends that I have "harassed" him and in our final confrontation he said "stop harassing me." I feel like I he has used this situation to defame my character and that I have been totally gaslighted by the silent treatment - made to feel crazy and desperate for closure. Am I wrong? Btw I am working on forever no contact, so please don't lecture me and tell me to "stop stalking." That is not going to help.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Here is an interesting article on this subject: http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/stalking.htm
scott123 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I've done a lot of work in school about stalking and I don't think you stalked him. To me, it's knowing where someone is all the time and going to those places. Surveilling him and knowing what he's doing all the time. You showed up at his door a couple of times but it's not like you went very far with it. Just sounds to me like you were reaching out to him. He probably felt overwhelmed not harrassed. Just my thought anyway.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Btw I am in therapy and really trying to make sense of the breakup and become more self-aware. Edited March 2, 2011 by makelemonade1974
Rose T Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 You didn't stalk him at all. Silent treatment would have driven me insane, I totally feel for you. Break-ups are hugely hard to deal with and what's normal behaviour, especially in that mad month after all the hurt has come out, in any case? He threw you out in a drunken argument, seems pretty extreme and what I've seen from your other threads, you really got to him on some level so it seems like he was trying to punish you with the silent treatment. It went on too long, it seemed vindictive and unhealthy and speaks volumes about your ex. You just wanted to communicate which was more than normal, it was very emotionally self-aware. The really encouraging thing is that now you're healing anyway - effectively, you did it without him or his explanations. His use of the word 'harassing' sounds like another distortion of the truth. Your impassioned behaviour seems to have helped you make giant strides, while he still seems to be feeding on his anger towards you - not healthy at all. If it's any help, I think you're doing a lot better than him, not that he matters any more.
Movingthrough Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Def. not stalking. To me stalking is more of an "obvioius" thing, sending messages and showing up to talk, is not stalking to me. Read some of that article you posted, its crazy how we all are after a breakup. Still to this day i cant believe how much i changed after mine, all i did was send emails (which she responded to) but in every one of them in the back of my head i wanted to get her back. But yeah you def. were not stalking, that was far from it. Makes more sense why he threw a fit at the coffee shop, you went from being all about him, to not, so he was pissed.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Well, I know that some of you are sort of on my side from reading my posts and communicating with me over the past few months and I appreciate the support, really I do, but technically, isn't any "unwanted contact" stalking? And is there any way to repair my reputation? This other woman, with whom he has an emotional relationship with and who basically interfered with our relationship until he broke it off with me, is a huge social butterfly and gossip. I feel like I am forever going to be known in my workplace as "the crazy stalker." This really bugs me. But maybe, in addition to being a stalker, I am paranoid
Rose T Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Two things really, any ex who bitches about your behaviour during and after a break-up has no class and reveals themselves to be still hugely invested (at least in their own fragile ego, lol). You're allowed to react in an emotional way when these things happen! But whatever does happen in the break-up should stay between you. If he's complained about you the only thing you can do is behave in a saintly fashion. When people ask you for your side of the story, even if you have said things before, it's not too late to impose a press black out. just say that you respect your ex too much to talk about the break-up to third parties and that, this, as many relationships, had reached a natural end. Don't give them any more than that (they'll be really disappointed. ) Second thing, there will always be people that badmouth you, especially because you're smart and beautiful. If they weren't bitching about your break-up, they'd be finding fault in your hair, those heels, that last paper you wrote... It's just the latest scraps for the vultures and they think they've found something meaty. Keep your head high, smile knowingly, and remember that this stuff will pass as well.
willpower Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 but technically, isn't any "unwanted contact" stalking? And is there any way to repair my reputation? For me I have a pretty clear definition of "stalker", they 'follow' a person around and when they finally bump into them there is no new ground to cover other than 'what the hell is this wierdo doing here?' If you want to clear something up, and are turning up or communicating without any pretense of "ohh fancy bumping into you" then its definaetly not stalking. I think the stalker frames themself as the stalker, anyone who is up front and says 'I'm here to sort this out with you and I wont be able to let go till I have some answers' is not a stalker at all. How to repair your reputation, honestly dont worry about it and focus on your stuff. If people want to put you in a box as a stalker then let them. Your awesome, you know your not a stalker, anyone who thinks you are is honestly not worthy of your time and energy. Short story to illustrate, in my womanising hayday (which was only 2 years ago and I cannot recconnect with that person right now which really annoys me as its becuase I'm stuck on my ex) I would actually regularly call girls and introduce myself as 'your favourite stalker'. Part of this was banter but part of it was also to push out into the open any awkwardness of a new person calling them. If I really was a stalker would I introduce myself as one? Once your open with people its easy for them to see your not a weirdo. In contrast to this I have a freind who is really awkward on the phone with girls, and sets up his dates as 'freinds' before they meet up. He has massive problems moving from dates to anything more and often ends up with the reputation of being 'creepy'. Why? Because girls are often left clueless as to what he actually wants. Imagine going on a date with a guy, him terming it as freinds, no physical and them him phoning you several times in the next week and talking about general stuff. TBH I'm probably a bigger Ahole than he is but I'm branded 'creepy' less than he as I tend to be an open book, you see what I am from word go and as such no surpirises. In short, worry not about changing peoples perceptions, worry only that you are projecting to the world what you wish to project. the rest will sort itself out. And if people do hold things against you based on someone elses word then they have shown you very cheaply that they are not worth your attention. I genuinely mean that last part.
IanIan Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) I don't think you were stalking either. You just wanted to communicate with someone who'd you'd been having an intense relationship with. Who wouldn't? I think partly the problem here is this obsession people seem to have with going 'no contact'. If you don't then one is perhaps needy, weak or a stalker where as if you do then one is in a way reducing the other person to a drug addiction which is of course absurd. But lets say what you did was stalker-ish? So what? So you went a bit mad? You harassed him? Don't be so hard on yourself. I think he'll be OK. Let us know if he's not. How about the theory that in not talking to you he was being incompetent? Edited March 2, 2011 by IanIan
z00m25 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 it doesnt sound like your a stalker, just that you still care where he obviously doesn't. I would of probably done the same thing in my situation but once i found out i was cheated on I went NC 100%.
marqueemoon4 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 repeated unwanted contact is harassment. not stalking.
carhill Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Some examples of stalking: Purposely driving by or walking by his/her private residence/business/social destinations when there's no other reason for being there. Hacking/cracking or otherwise gaining access to his/her private communications Following him/her Ignoring clear requests for no contact by proactively engaging in unilateral communications. IMO, your zeal with which you pursued closure entertained some aspects of stalking but I wouldn't classify you as a stalker. Why? You're reflecting upon it. A stalker would feel entitled, that it was his/her right and privilege. A further sign of your processing it positively would be to accept his 'version' of the events as his perspective and not binding upon yourself. It's over, done, lessons learned and move on. If you found yourself in a similar circumstance again, what would you do?
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Some examples of stalking: Purposely driving by or walking by his/her private residence/business/social destinations when there's no other reason for being there. Hacking/cracking or otherwise gaining access to his/her private communications Following him/her Ignoring clear requests for no contact by proactively engaging in unilateral communications. IMO, your zeal with which you pursued closure entertained some aspects of stalking but I wouldn't classify you as a stalker. Why? You're reflecting upon it. A stalker would feel entitled, that it was his/her right and privilege. A further sign of your processing it positively would be to accept his 'version' of the events as his perspective and not binding upon yourself. It's over, done, lessons learned and move on. If you found yourself in a similar circumstance again, what would you do? Well, I've never done anything on the above list, particularly because I had no "clear request for no contact," only silence. If I was in a similar circumstance I would have handled it MUCH differently - that is why it was so tough for me to understand. I've never been able to shut up long enough to give someone the silent treatment. When I broke it off with my ex-husband years back, he went REALLY crazy in an abusive way - would curse and say the ugliest things to me on the phone and once called a guy I was dating and threatened to kill him (or beat him up - don't know, didn't get a transcript lol). But I clearly communicated with him several times saying "We are finished. Please be nice. etc. etc." I remember breaking up with a boyfriend in my early twenties and he came to my place of work after because he "wanted to talk to me." I remember going outside and talking with him for a good 20 minutes just to help him feel better because I felt so bad. I did, however, show a level of "zeal" to say the least. I just didn't think he should get off the hook so easy. I thought he should have to face me after being so ugly. In retrospect, I wish I'd done it differently, but watchagonnado?
carhill Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I did, however, show a level of "zeal" to say the least. I just didn't think he should get off the hook so easy. I thought he should have to face me after being so ugly. In retrospect, I wish I'd done it differently, but watchagonnado? Good. I hope this brings closure. The 'done it differently' can apply next time, showing growth from this experience. There's always a next time, IME. Good luck
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Good. I hope this brings closure. The 'done it differently' can apply next time, showing growth from this experience. There's always a next time, IME. Good luck Carhill, I realize you are older, and I think you have much wisdom to bring to these boards. But I think here (and in other posts of yours that I've seen) you tend to be a bit condescending (though perhaps you don't realize the tone you are taking). I'm 36 years old and have been in quite a few relationships, including a 9 year marriage. Of course I will grow from this experience. Of course I have learned things. And I've already stated here, and in several other threads, that the final confrontation has brought me "closure."
carhill Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 That's exactly what I told our psychologist (that he was being condescending) when he challenged me. Good. You'll also note my support. If you don't see it, then I'm being ineffective. In either case, you openly asked for opinion and advice and I offered it.
depplover_1980 Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Lemonade I started laughing as I was opening the thread thinking 'where she coming from now'!! You weren't a stalker at all, but he was a first class DICKHEAD! I know I keep going on about this but I think your therapist is terrible; I'm not even qualified yet, but even now I would get you better with face to face chats! Get a new one, you deserve it.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Thanks Depp. I appreciate it. It's lovely to be amusing.
Movingthrough Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Well, I know that some of you are sort of on my side from reading my posts and communicating with me over the past few months and I appreciate the support, really I do, but technically, isn't any "unwanted contact" stalking? And is there any way to repair my reputation? This other woman, with whom he has an emotional relationship with and who basically interfered with our relationship until he broke it off with me, is a huge social butterfly and gossip. I feel like I am forever going to be known in my workplace as "the crazy stalker." This really bugs me. But maybe, in addition to being a stalker, I am paranoid Honestly to repair your reputation (i dont think there is much to repair) just go NC. Thats how i look at it, i made a ton of mistakes with my ex after the break up, but just me being NC now shows and proves that she isnt a big deal. No communication is about the best way to show you are good to go. Dont get me wrong, a lot of people do it to prove something, and it doesnt mean you are not thinking about them (or them thinking of you) but doing more to prove you are not the "stalker" is just going to make it look more stalkerish..
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I so wish I hadn't even started this thread. To be clear: I HAVE CLOSURE. MY LAST CONFRONTATION WITH MY EX BROUGHT ME CLOSURE BECAUSE I SAW HIM BEHAVE LIKE A TODDLER. THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL THAT I WILL EVER CONTACT HIM BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT HIM IN MY LIFE. NO CONTACT IS NOT AN ISSUE ANYMORE. CLOSURE IS NOT AN ISSUE. Okay, now that is said, I started this thread because I have been thinking about the social repercussions of this breakup. That's all. I also thought that other people could relate to such post breakup behavior and the article I posted might be helpful to them. A lot of dumpers are insensitive, and a lot of dumpees go into repair mode following the breakup. I'm sorry I ever said anything in the first place.
MidnightinMadrid Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 I've been thinking about this recently. And I'm going to be honest - I was a pretty pathetic dumpee. I was with this man for 2 1/2 years. Following my breakup in October (in which he broke it off in a drunken argument and physically threw me out of the apartment), I was given the complete silent treatment. I desperately wanted answers and to communicate with him. For the first couple weeks I would send a text or an email about every two days. I even went to his door a couple times and he refused to speak to me or answer the door. After that I tried to go no contact and went three weeks before I broke down and sent an email and 3 text messages. Then about two weeks later I sent an email and 2 text messages. Then I went a month and sent 2 text messages and an email. Then I went another 2 weeks, sent a professional email (which was ignored) followed a few days later by 3 text messages. I don't know if the timeline adds up, but this is basically the trajectory. ALL of my attempts to contact him were ignored, except once I received a poem from him in my mailbox at work. Finally I confronted him in person at a coffee shop near my work, had a 5 minute conversation, and now I basically have closure and no longer feel like contacting him. My question is - am I a "stalker?" I never followed him around or anything, all of my communications were polite (although some were emotional), and I didn't send him 30 messages in a day or anything like that. But he has told mutual friends that I have "harassed" him and in our final confrontation he said "stop harassing me." I feel like I he has used this situation to defame my character and that I have been totally gaslighted by the silent treatment - made to feel crazy and desperate for closure. Am I wrong? Btw I am working on forever no contact, so please don't lecture me and tell me to "stop stalking." That is not going to help. here i was kicking myself for sending 2 short e-mails then on the second month,a pic msg text. Fast forward 2 months later I sent him an invite to msn later on an e-mail asking him how he is. All which has been ignored so now i vow to never contact him again,and I will stick to it. I have been following your last thread and its obvious this guy means alot to you and he should be ashamed of himself ignoring you the way he has. However I did read how many times you contact him,it does seem excessive,i wouldnt call it stalking unless you follow him and by his doorstep day and night,but still,why give this guy satisfaction of pursuing him? I really urge that you n0 longer do that,in fact I am lighting a candle,you are soo way better than that. Why people told me the same thing,so it takes on to know one.
IanIan Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) I think stalking and harrassment are one of modern society's great stigmas. My suspicion would be that people who ignore others harshly have some awareness of this and to a degree exploit people's fear of being a called a stalker, a bunny boiler or of receiving a restraining order. Perhaps some Hollywood movies should highlight harsh abandonment more? I can actually think of one... Basic Instinct! Sharon Stone's character tells Michael Douglas's that she's moving on and perhaps some of us could take a leaf out of his book... I can't recall exactly what he says but he screams something like, 'THIS IS BULL****!' Edited March 3, 2011 by IanIan
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